• Member Since 28th May, 2014
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foxmaster


big time mlp and ace attorney fan

Sequels1

Comments ( 94 )

I only wish it was this easy but I will gladly keep watching and reading.

Another great chapter. I can't wait to see where you take turquoise on this adventure. Please write more.

Why is this story in the All Things Femdom group?

9499008
it's a crossdressing fic I thought boys dressing as girls fell under that category.

Squeals
Oh I'm so excited, I can't wait to see how this turns out! Please do more it's so refreshing to see this story pop up.

don,t worry Silver me and Rarity

Don't

so please don,t

Again it's don't

Okay just go through the story and make all don,t in to don't it will help

9514833
your welcome. It would make it a lot easier for me to read at least

I feel like the date happened to fast and a ace stating his sexual preferences would help a lot

I have no words to describe my jealousness over Turquoise. You really are an amazing writer.

Hmm things are going to well something has gotta be up.

9516395
Well I mean in order to keep the story entertaining conflict must exist that isn't resolved in one chapter

I'm still not entirely sure that her boyfriend is on the up and up

Comment posted by foxmaster deleted Mar 23rd, 2019

9522752
it's the cosplay, isn't it?

9524770
No it's the fact we as the reader know nothing of him

"Silver and Lemon kept talking about how great these songs from Japan were and when Lemon asked Silver about dreams Silver brought up the one he had last night about the mystery girl who looked almost like him."

Because that happens in normal conversation. "Yo, these songs from Japan are great."
"Yes, but do you dream?"

Silver was impressed by Lemon’s room. She had many posters of bands from Japan mixed in with all the girly things you would find in a girl’s bedroom.

Girly things such as...?

“ I see you're impressed by my room Silver,” Lemon said as she came in carrying some stuff. Silver asked what that stuff was for and Lemon told him it was all part of his transformation. Lemon told Silver that his dream was showing Silver a vision of his inner desires and that he must conquer his doughs and Lemon was going to help him.

Firstly, nothing Silver does shows any reaction to Lemon's room. Second off, what are doughs, and why does Silver need to conquer them? Are we discussing socialist theory? Are you Kropotkin reborn?

[EDIT] Just realized that you had just said "Silver was impressed by Lemon's room". Still, show, don't tell.

Lemon pulled out a long-haired wig that was the exact color Silver described and placed it on Silver’s head. After straightening it Silver was complete. Lemon pulled out a mirror and Silver was in awe seeing the lovely girl staring back at him.

Why does Lemon have this wig?

Silver understood where Lemon was coming from since most of the time it felt like people were taking advantage of him because of who his family was and how wealthy they were.

Now I am confused. I thought this was socialist literature, but now he is bourgeois?

As Silver and Lemon kept talking they noticed it was late and went to sleep. Lemon’s mom opened the door and smiled at the sight of Lemon and Silver asleep and more at the fact that Silver made a better girl than he did a boy.

I skipped over the Sword Art bit, not even going to touch on that.
So, Silver just falls asleep in this random girl's house? Doesn't contact his parents or anything?

“ Oh give Lemon a break Michael beside Silver looks better like this,” Lemon’s mom said while admiring Silver’s feminine appearance.

Michael. He is named Michael. Huh.

“ That's just Silver wearing your clothes isn't it,” Indigo said with a skeptical tone.

Shit, Sherlock Indigo here has cracked the case.

“ I assume this is Silver?” Rarity asked looking at Silver with a discerning eye.

Bunch of top-tier empiricists, these girls are. Deducing someone's name and identity at a glance.

“ Rarity, Lemon fancy seeing you here,” Sci-Twi said invited the three of them to join them at their table.

I do not think anyone actually calls her "sci-twi" in-universe. I think that is a fandom nickname.

Other stuff, yada yada, not gonna address it.

Final bit: is Silver/Turquoise a feminine boy, or a trans girl? Because there seems to be signs of both.
If it's the latter, though, why are they addressing her as a "he"?

Not bad not bad at all the only flaw I found was how did aces parents get there so fast

9527046
Cadences called them in while Ace was busy blabbing his true colors.

I fell Hook line and sinker for just how realistic this felt. I honestly thought I was turquoise. Thanks for such an amazing chapter. It's just compelling to read and hopefully reread when this is all done.

Not bad but hopefully harku will get some fleshing out

I wonder if turquoise is so convincing that the boys at Crystal prep don't care that she's a he or if more of them are in the closet then they realize.

Rambling aside lovely chapter

Silver and Lemon thanked Rarity for her help and left for the parking garage. Lemon asked Silver if he wanted to go home dressed like Turquoise concerned about what his parents might think. Silver told her he did not mind what they thought and they drove to Silver’s Mansion.

You are no worker!

As Lemon reached Silver’s front gate Lemon was impressed with Silver’s home. Lemon pressed the intercom and the guard answered.

Guards, too? What sort of dystopian world is this, where the wealthy can purchase guards? (oh wait that can happen in real life shit)

“ After meeting my new friend Lemon Zest and hanging with her and her friend Rarity today I realized I’m not much of a man like you are. I’m not strong I’m not emotionless and I am not indestructible but like this, I feel like that part of me I lost is coming back,” Silver replied with Lemon and Silver’s Mom agreeing with him.

See, when people discuss concepts like toxic masculinity, this is the sort of thing they refer to. The idea that all men must be strong and without emotion. Thus far in the story, whether or not Silver is trans is left (in my perception) rather vague, and so I do like that these themes are being explored. Though, you could probably stand to add a few commas, here and there.

“ Turquoise or go back to being your boy is his desition in the end so please don't hassle Turquoise,” Silver’s Mom said. Silver’s Dad was about to object to that until he realized how dangerous his wife is when she is mad.

This does not seem like a healthy family.

“ Fine you may stay as Turquoise but don,t come crying to me when some muscle headed criminal makes you his plaything,” Bullet said making it clear that Silver is responsible for whatever happens to him.

Oh. Well. This! Is a thing. That you wrote. Just gonna move on.

“ Hey I take that as an offense Mr. Chance I may not like most of the flimsy crap America makes but at least I know how your son feels do you know how he feels,” Lemon retorted.

What do you mean by "flimsy crap America makes"? I mean, we could go into a discussion of capitalism and manufacturing standards, but seeing as everyone in this story is clearly bourgeois, I don't think that is your intent.

“ Who cares how he feels he is a boy and boys no matter how old they are can never be allowed to show their feelings or emotions,” Bullet shouted ready to verbally attack Silver until Ruby interjected.

Yeah. Not the happiest family. See my previous bit about toxic masculinity. I might argue that the theme is a tad blunt here, and could use a bit of finesse.

“ Ow, I’m sorry for what I said truth is I’m worried about my son you don't understand the male mind like you think you do,” Bullet said.

“ You mean about the part where men only care about sex and dominance,” Lemon said.

This... might be going a tad far. A frank discussion of masculine social roles, and of how our society treats gender as a whole, is something that should be had, indubitably. However, I now see that this writing rather lacks the finesse to handle it in an accurate and careful manner. Universally denouncing men as a whole is not a particularly graceful or eloquent manner to discuss these sorts of things. Putting people on the defensive doesn't really help.

“ Never knew Silver had a phobia of needles,” Lemon said.

I'm pretty sure a phobia is an extreme, pathological fear. A general dislike of a thing and a phobia are dramatically different. Interestingly enough, "needle phobia" is actually the correct medical term here, though aichmophobia (a fear of sharp things such as pencils and knives) may also apply, though it is a tad broader. Have a relevant wikipedia article.

“ My friend Twilight explained to us that it's a voice modulator its to help with Silver’s voice,” Lemon explained before Ruby took it off of Silver. Ruby taught Silver a little trick for raising the pitch of his voice. She told him to try singing from a low note and then go as high as he can and try talking from there. Silver sang from a low note and went up until he reached the right tone then spoke.

Developing a feminine voice is, to my knowledge, quite difficult for trans women, and most certainly not something which can be taught in a timely manner. As always, I am confused as to why the people around Silver are possessed of this knowledge. Furthermore, most of the description in the story seems to imply that Silver/Turquoise is transgender. (I continue to use he/him pronouns and Silver for simplicity's sake.) If that is the case, however, would it not be prudent to stop using he and him pronouns throughout the story? I may have mentioned this in my previous comment.

“ I just got off the phone with Crystal Prep and they are willing to accept Silver status as trans,” bullet said.

Yeah, see, if that's the case, you ought to change the name and pronouns.

“ I see you found the outfit I laid out for you and also how you mastered walking in heels,” Ruby said as Silver came closer.

Instantaneous mastery of heels. Bravo.

As Silver and Ruby got close to the store they were going to most of the boys were beginning to bleed from their noses at the site of Turquoise. Ruby was impressed with what happened.

Look, I get that you like anime. That trope can be rather comedic, but as a general thing, it really doesn't work in a written medium. Furthermore, I am fairly certain that spontaneous nosebleeds are a cause for medical concern.

“ Well in any case pleasure to meet you Turquoise don't let Sour Sweet get you down she is bipolar so she has mood swings,” Sunny said.

Hoo boy. I don't think you understand bipolar disorder on anything more than a superficial level. For an example of how to write a good bipolar character, may I recommend the Unstoppable Wasp? (The ones from Oct 2018 onward) I've been reading them lately, and there is an excellent representation of a bipolar character. (Shan't mention who, spoilers and whatnot.) It also helps to read up on the condition itself, and perhaps some notable real-life figures with bipolar disorder. Another relevant page.

“ Whoever this girl is we must get rid of her before she steals our spotlight,” Suri said.

Goshdarnit, Suri Polomare is the Doctor! You shall not dishonor her good name. (Ignore this bit, I'm joking around.)

“ He is not perverted and she Identifies as female if you must know,” Lemon replied.

Yeah? Then switch the names and pronouns.

Cadence stated she heard enough to make a fair decision. Suri, Fleur, and Upper Crust were each sentenced to two weeks suspension for not only threatening another student but for attempting to get said student raped against their will.

1. Rape is never voluntary, this is an oxymoron.
2. Trying to get someone raped is grounds for, I would argue, a far harsher punishment then a brief suspension. (Though the educational system is not known for its administration of justice.)

As for Indigo, she got detention for the rest of the day for assaulting three students it could have been the rest of the week if not for her heroic actions.

Whether or not this is fair really depends on your feelings about law and ethics. I would argue that this isn't really just, and heroic action in the defense of another is inherently good. The courts, however, would have a day of it. Here in Canada, there are laws regarding self defense, and the defense of others, but I am admittedly somewhat unfamiliar with them. I think the crux of the matter, however, would be whether or not Indigo had reasonable grounds to assume that inaction would lead to the harm of herself or another.

Suri sarcastically said she and her friends were so scared until Cadence told them who Turquoise’s dad was.

And this is why hiring private lawyers is unfair. In this case, hiring a private lawyer may ensure that justice is served more swiftly and accurately, but given this precedent, it can be understood that it can be reversed. Such that a poorer family who is in the right may be forced to settle for an overworked public defender, while a large corporation who is in the wrong may be able to hire a whole team of lawyers, or perhaps even have their own staff. Not to mention the potential for bribery. Wealth has no place in the legal system.

Closing notes: This was a thing. I don't know how I feel about this. It feels like you came really close to touching upon several fascinating social issues, but stopped just short of really hitting on the interesting bits. I am happy that you updated the name and pronouns towards the end, though. Good job.

Okay 3 things
1 the plastic pussy is funny to me for whatever reason
2 I feel like even tho turquoise identifies as a girl he still has a penis and should probably get his own room unless the girls don't mind in which case ignore.
3 challenging rookies to a race that you are probably gonna win is not sporting

9499015
It doesn't fit. Femdom is when the woman takes the lead during sex in some way. I'd take it out if I were you. Please respond to this comment.

9560952
I took it out of the group but do you have any groups you would recommend I feature this story in?

I think that I have seen enough of what I wanted to see. It is not a bad thing it's just the characters have no depth to them

that was funny just straight up funny

9591597
thanks I thought it was

Why does toon have such a grudge

9602998
I may not know him personally but I feel like he is the type of man who won,t let things go so easily. besides as one of the villains in the story he can,t let go until he hits rock bottom

Its definitely a improvement

9615046
I disagree. I really liked the other one.

It's Good however I think the other one was better because toon had it coming

9616182
Be that as it may I don't like the idea of forcing anything permanent on some one

9616191
You are entitled to your opinion but I personally think depending on what happened certain things must be done even if it is permanent

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