• Member Since 2nd May, 2012
  • offline last seen Mar 16th, 2017

LittleAngelStocking


T

After Twilight Sparkle discovers a new book of pick-up-lines, she wants to bring her friends closer by complimenting them with cheesy lines.

And it does more than bring them closer...

Chapters (7)
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Comments ( 661 )

This story has potential, but there are mistakes littered around here and there. There are also some minor formatting errors.

I am interested to see where you take this.

Sadly, can't read the whole thing in one sitting, but its been gladly added to my "Read Later" list! I say ditch the disclaimer saying it wasn't your best work, because from what I read so far, it's hilarious. (I laughed aloud when I read Twi say the Library card line :rainbowlaugh:)

So yes, I'll do another comment when I finish it, but so far, so good.

I agree with Crimsongraph about the mistakes but overall it was an awesome story!:twilightsmile:

Took so long favoriting and thumbs uping it due to reading in phone, sorry for keeping you waiting.:pinkiehappy:

There were some mistakes but... Oh, screw the mistakes! It was amazing.
Also... Incomplete? Oh my fucking God there will be more?!
inb4 featured

Holy crap... those pick up lines were hilarious and the whole story was like watching a train wreck in motion. “You wouldn’t happen to have a map on you, would you? I’m getting lost in your eyes.” This was probably my favorite pick up line. Though Twilight innocently asking for an apple pie and whip cream was the funniest part of the story all together. :rainbowlaugh:

I'd say to touch up the structure a bit and that would help a lot. With how some parts are spaced out and others are clumped together detracts from the story and it'd be an easy thing to fix. Maybe add some kind of break, like *******, or ________, between scenes also.

The end part with Twilight's big reveal probably would have been funnier if Twilight had just held up the book itself when stating the title, thus allowing for a wide range of "Oh god Twilight is so Naive" reactions between the characters. As it stands, it felt like it went a little fast through that end scene given how much emotional damage had just been wrought. Though, the stories a comedy so that's fine overall, if it was played out with a more comedic tone. Like after they all leave Twilight goes "I just don't know what went wrong..." :facehoof: (i.e coining a turn from Derpy after goofing something up on accident)

Anyway, thanks for sharing it, I definitely enjoyed reading this. I'll be looking forward to the next chapter.

:fluttershbad::raritydespair::rainbowhuh::ajsleepy::twilightblush: that is an awesome story!! loved it

Twilight Sparkle gets all the fillies. Guess she's just going to have to bite the bullet and put her organizational skills to work managing a harem!

hahahaha I love this!

But as a proper southerner, I did twitch mightily at "ya'll".

It's "y'all". Contraction of "you all" :twilightblush:

Can't wipe the grin off my face.

Now there are a few grammatical errors, such as a comma at the end of an action tag, but nothing systematic.

EDIT:

Ya mite want ta consida adding ah romance tag, suga'cube. aaaaaaaaaa

I see this getting featured soon

Sometimes a mix of inspiration, boredom and free time can deliver some amazing, even if unexpected, results. Maybe it could use some fine tunning but it still is a good story. Though I have to wonder if the next chapter will require a new tag, the ending does feel a little sad...

Has potential. Funny how they all want Twilight, kinda makes sense as she central to all their lives.

You used my "did it hurt... when you fell from pony heaven?" pick up line. :moustache:

I think I feel tears of joy rolling down my cheek. :pinkiesad2: This reminds me so much of my fic... I'm so proud of you.

I love fics like these. Though the grammar could use a little work, it was still a very fun and entertaining read. :twilightsmile: Have a thumbs up and a fave :pinkiehappy:

Aside from a few grammatical errors, my only other complaint is that you may want to add the romance tag. Otherwise I laughed my head off through the entire thing.

My favorite line is the only I've never heard before: “If you were a tear in my eye, I wouldn’t cry for fear of losing you.”

I felt my heart dawww at that line...

:rainbowlaugh: My face throughout this entire fic.

I love how it all had gone so horribly right in the beginning but then goes so horribly wrong in the end.

:rainbowlaugh: My face throughout this entire fic.

Onhonhonhon~ You have amused me.

1047512 I'll admit; you did inspire that line :rainbowlaugh:


Thanks!

Having never in my life gotten a pickup line to work, I was highly gratified by this tale.

Geez rainbow is such a bitch to fluttershy.

1047924 Isn't she usually? :rainbowwild: (Not counting the mild FlutterDash fanservice season two has snuck in...)

And Discord immediately broke free of the statue, chuckling, "Am I ever glad I had the forethought to order a copy of that book for dear Twilight! Looks like she put it to the use I intended! TIME FOR SOME CHAOS!!"

(Don't worry, I appeared and beat him up real bad! Cuz I'm the ultimate badass. :trollestia: )

Don't you dare finish this story! This story is perfect as it is. Well, other than what the other people have said.

Sometimes, stories need to end on a bad note. Does the make the story any better or worse? Up to a reader to decide.

But sometimes, a story that ends on a bad note can start something else. Adding a chapter to this would defeat the purpose of the story and change its whole point.

Pick-up lines.
:twilightoops: Pick-up lines?

Pick-up lines...
*Steel says with a sagely nod and folding of his arms.*

:facehoof: Ohhhh no...

Ohhh YES.

:rainbowkiss: Let's read. I gotta see this!

I'm a bit surprised this got featured, actually. I mean, the basic premise is entertaining, and a few of the lines were pretty funny, but it's so unfinished. Grammar and formatting errors, inconsistent pacing... this isn't so much a good story as it is a first draft of a good story.

Maybe I shouldn't say anything, though. People are gonna like what they're gonna like, and good on you for providing that, I suppose.

1048135 I'm shocked too, I never expected it would get so popular so quickly. I agree, this isn't my best. I'm going to go through and fix errors, fix the pacing, and stuff like that soon.

Yep, definitely written out of boredom. :derpytongue2: Could be fun if you fix up the paragraph layout, adjust the pacing at the end, and don't drop-kick Spike outta the story while everypony starts falling in love behind his back.

There is only one way to fix this: form a harem. Throw Pinkie into it as well.

wow just wow this is funny as hell, seeing as it is incomplete i do wonder how Twilight can resolve this matter

>improper use of y'all
I snickered. It's true. But only Twilight would pick up on that when she doesn't even use the word herself. :twilightsheepish:

1048004

Even better? This could tear the Elements apart without any effort from Discord.

And he gets a good show as well.

1047969

Oops, computer derped, responded to the wrong comment.

Meh. I think Twi deserves a harem! :trollestia:

The awkward! It's too powerfuuuuuuulllllll-
XXDD
That was funny, though really, really weird.
And now the Elements all want :twilightoops:.
:twilightblush::twilightoops::twilightblush::twilightoops:
This can't end well, not that it has.
I await the conclusion!
:rainbowlaugh::rainbowlaugh::rainbowlaugh:
That is all.
Journcy Out.
:twilightsmile:

At least she didn't send any to Celestia...

At first I thought Twilight would be using pickup lines purely to mess with other ponies since the story was only tagged for comedy. I wish you had tagged it for shipping. The pickup lines were funny, but the shipping just killed it for me. :applejackunsure: I stopped reading it when it got to Rarity. I don't like same-gender shipping, and I'm picky about traditional shipping. It should have been revised more thoroughly before it was posted and tagged for shipping, but the pickup lines themselves were pretty funny, so I can't really rate it. :derpytongue2:

1047629

how can Twilight make it up for all of 'em?.... :facehoof:





sex change spell! :twilightoops:

it's works both ways! :trollestia:

The pick up lines were so cheesy, that I think it gave me diabetes. Expect A medical bill, jerk.

Major props though. This was a great read. And I Expect you to write a second chapter.

Pretty decent, I'm interested in seeing where this is going. :pinkiesmile:

1048976
Couldn't stop smiling. It wasn't as dramatic, but it was a warm smile. Some of those pick-up lines were nice. :twilightsheepish:

this is some good shit

I can't find any errors in your writing. Maybe some grammer errors but this is a wonderful read on the internet, not a published work. I can't wait for the next chapter!:twilightsmile:

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