• Published 7th Aug 2012
  • 19,832 Views, 661 Comments

An Egghead's Guide to Pick-Up-Lines - LittleAngelStocking



Twilight Sparkle finds a book of Pick-Up-Lines

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Chapter One - Art of the Book

Okay, you guys, this really wasn't supposed to get posted on here, I wrote it at my grandmothers while bored. I'm sure this has been done a million times, but whatever. And it wasn't supposed to have more then one chapter, but oh well. I think there will only be two chapters... I know my writing isn't at my best, but this isn't meant to be serious. Just something written while I couldn't access my other fanfic.

~~~

Twilight Sparkle flopped down on her bed, exhausted.
A new shipment of books had just arrived, and she’d spent all afternoon reorganizing everything. She sat up in bed, she wasn’t really sleepy tired. Just... well, not too tired not to read!
I’ll read one of the new books, she thought. Most of them were ones she’d hadn’t even heard of, so she was excited. She’d read almost every book in the library by this point, so it was good to have some new ones!

Not that reading the same books over and over ever got boring, of course!

She hopped up and trotted down the steps, then used her magic to highlight all the new books, she looked them over one by one, then stopped. She picked one up in her magical pink aura, and read the title.

The eggheads guide to pick-up-lines
All the mares will love you!

“Oh, how interesting!” Twilight exclaimed. Satisfied, she went back to her room and settled down with the book. She opened it and begun to read.



A few hours later, Twilight heard the sound of the front door. “Twilight?” came Spike’s voice.
“I’m here!” She called, walking happily down the steps.

“Did you have fun at Rarity’s?” she asked.

“Yeah…” he said with a little smile, his gaze wandering dreamily.

“That’s good!” Twilight said, a big grin on her face.

“Um…” Spike backed away. Why was she looking at him like that?

“Spike,” she addressed; “If…” she wracked her brain thinking of which one to use. “If… if you were a booger I’d pick you first!”
Spike blinked. “Um… thanks, I guess?”

“Only the best for my Number One Assistant!” she smiled, patting his head with a hoof.

“Now, can you watch the library for an hour or so? I have some things I’d like to do.”

“Sure, Twi.” He said. She then immediately ran out giggling like a school-filly. Spike pulled a little book out of nowhere and begun writing. “I'll have to try that one on Rarity!”

~

Twilight trotted down Mane Street, looking for her friends.
Twilight jumped about fifty feet as Pinkie materialized out of nowhere and pressed her nose against Twilight's. “Hi, Twilight!” she smiled widely, “How are you? I haven’t seen you all day, and that can’t be right! You know I was thinking of visiting you but then I decided that I’d throw an ‘I-haven’t-seen-you-all-day’ party! But now I’ve seen you so now I have to throw an ‘I-haven’t-seen-you-all-day-but-now-I’ve-found-you-but-who-cares-let’s-party-anyway’ party!”
Pinkie was about to continue but Twilight stuffed her hoof in the party ponies mouth. “Mmmf mff pershmffff”
“Pinkie?”
“Hmmm?”
“Um…” Twilight thought. “I don't have a library card, but do you mind if I check you out?”
Pinkie laughed. “Silly, you don’t need a library card! You own the library; or maybe you do need one. Do librarians check books out to themselves or do they just take the books whenever they want? Does it even matter since you live in the library?”

“Uh - Are you cold? You look like you could use some hot chocolate... Well, here I am!”

“Oh; thanks Twilight but I have to get your party ready – I’ll make plenty of chocolate milk; I think the weathers too nice for hot chocolate! Oh, what am I saying? It’s never too warm for hot chocolate!”

The pink pony rambled on, not even noticing that Twilight had left.




After fleeing one of Pinkie's never ending rambles, Twilight pranced along. She was glad she hadn’t offended Pinkie – the book had guaranteed all her friends would love her (Not that they didn’t already,) but still. Not everypony was the same, and she didn’t want to offend anypony!
Twilight was so busy thinking, she crashed into somepony else – she fell back on her rump. “Ow! I – Oh! Fluttershy!” She immediately leaped to her hooves and helped her yellow Pegasus friend up.

“Oh – um, that’s okay Twilight. I should have been watching where I was going…”

“No, it was me, Fluttershy. I was lost in thought. Sorry,”

Fluttershy smiled softly. “No… it’s… fine…”

Twilight smiled, “So, what are you doing?”

“I was just walking home – I found a lost baby squirrel so I had to take him back to his mommy.”

“Oh.” Twilight said. Perfect! “You’re so kind, Fluttershy.” She smiled politely. “Did it hurt?”

“Um – did what hurt?”

“Falling out of pony heaven?”

Fluttershy looked confused for a split second before her eyes widened. “Oh! Oh my… I… I…”

“If you were a tear in my eye, I wouldn’t cry for fear of losing you.” Twilight smiled.

“Oh… oh my goodness.” Fluttershy blushed, the faintest hint of a smile on her face. “That is so kind of you to say… I…” she hid behind her mane, letting out a tiny squeak. Twilight could barely contain her excitement. Fluttershy looked at her shyly. “Um… can… may I come to your house tonight? To… to visit?”
“Sure!” Twilight exclaimed happily. “I’d never pass up the chance to see my best friends!”
Fluttershy turned red again. “Sorry,” Twilight said; “But I have to go for now. I want to say hi to everypony else, too. See you tonight!”
“Yeah… See you tonight…” Fluttershy said barely above a whisper. Twilight trotted off with a wave. Fluttershy watched her go, then quickly turned her gaze away from Twilight’s plot, turning scarlet.





On the other side of ponyville, Rainbow Dash yawned; stretched, and turned over, burying her face in the soft, plush-like cloud she was laying on.

“Hello, Rainbow Dash!”

“Ugh… my egghead senses are tingling,” Dash mumbled half-asleep. “Rainbow Dash! Are you awake?”

“No.”

“Hey!”

Dash lifted her head, blinking her eyes. She yawned again, opening her wings and standing. She stretched again, then dove off the cloud landing perfectly on the ground, dust kicked into the air. “What is it? Is the meadow on fire?”

Twilight chuckled, “No, I just wanted to say something.”

“Can’t it wait?” Rainbow Dash rubbed the back of her neck, folding her wings, eyes half-closed.

“Well… I must ask… Is there a rainbow today? I just found the treasure I've been searching for!”

Rainbow Dash cocked her head, puzzled. “What?”
“Should I smile because we are friends, or cry because I know that is all we will ever be?” Twilight said, smiling. “You’re my best friend, Rainbow. I’ll never regret meeting you.”

“Um. Thanks… Twilight. I mean… don’t get all sappy on me!” Rainbow said. This was completely out of nowhere!

“Sappy?” Twilight hurt. “I’m just trying to be nice…”

“Oh… sure.” Rainbow said, still quite confused. “I… thanks.”

Twilight hung her head. Rainbow sighed. She hugged Twilight, “Thanks.”

Twilight smiled softly. “Hey, would you like to visit my house tonight?”

“Hm? Oh sure! I mean… sure!” Suddenly she wasn't very sleepy anymore.

Twilight walked away feeling a little better. As she trotted out of view, Rainbow Dash’s folded wings suddenly whipped upwards.

~

Twilight headed to where Applejack usually was around this time of day - “Hey, Applejack!” Twilight waved. Applejack looked up from her apple-stand, it was obvious she had just finished closing up for the day, she was in the process of harnessing the cart to her saddle. “Oh, hey Twi. What’re y’all up to?”
Twilight decided to overlook Applejack’s improper use of ‘y’all’ and walked up to her friend. “Have you always been this cute, or did you have to work at it?”

AJ stared, mouth open. “I… uh…”

“I mean… is it hot out here or what? I got warm the second I looked at you!”

Applejack flushed. “Oh, Twilight….”

“I have many friends; but you’re the apples in my pie crust!”

Applejack, in a rare moment of total embarrassment, turned her head away. “Gee, thanks Twi… I…”

“Hey, would you like to come over tonight?” Twilight asked with a smile. AJ blinked. “I’ll… I’ll have to check my schedule… oh, fiddlesticks! Yes!”

Twilight grinned. “Would you mind bringing one of your amazing apple pies? Oh – bring whipped cream as well, I don’t have any!”

Applejack turned bright red. “Yeah… I’ll do it…”
She watched Twilight leave with a wave, her heart fluttering madly.

~

Rarity heard the little bell ring as the front door of her boutique was opened. “Who is iiit~” she sing-songed, trotting to the door. “Oh, Twilight dear! You’re here just in time – Would you mind letting me measure you up a bit? I’m working on a surprise dress for a distant family member, and you’re just about her size.”
Twilight nodded. “Of course, Rarity!”
“Excellent, darling. Just stand over here while I get the measuring tape."

Twilight trotted over to the designated spot and stood still. She looked around at the array of dresses, mannequins and other such things. Rarity approached with the measuring tape held in her magical aura.

“Rarity?” Twilight asked as Rarity looked at her, adjusting her little red glasses. “Yes, Twilight?”

“You wouldn’t happen to have a map on you, would you? I’m getting lost in your eyes.”

Rarity blinked. “Oh my stars…”
Twilight grinned.
Failing to force back a blush, Rarity wrapped the tape around Twilight’s torso; then wrote the size down.
“Can you touch me once more?” Twilight asked; “I want to tell all the others that I was touched by an angel.”

Rarity smiled gently, “Twilight… I… what has gotten into you?”
“Just being nice,” Twilight stated. “Say – you aren’t a thief are you? Because you stole my attention from across the town!”

Rarity blushed harder, continuing to take the measurements. “Darling, I…”

Rarity’s heart was fluttering.

Could Twilight really be the one she was looking for? Her very special somepony?

She looked at Twilight’s perfect frame. Her beautiful mane, her luscious coat…

She finished taking the measurements and set the tape dreamily on the table. “Twilight… darling…” she put her face close to Twilight’s, but not too close…. “Oh Twilight… may…. I would like to come over to your house tonight. I have… business to attend to here but… I want to talk with you tonight…”

“Sure!” Twilight backed away slightly, Rarity was getting a little too close. “Yeah,”
Twilight begun to happily talk about how all her friends were coming over tonight, but Rarity had faded into her own thoughts, Oh my. I never realized… How could I not have? Twilight and I…. it truly is meant to be, isn’t it…
Rarity pulled herself back into reality.

“-With whipped cream!”

Rarity turned scarlet. She had never realized Twilight was so…

Oh, she was nervous yet… she couldn’t wait!



Twilight Sparkle arrived at home to find Fluttershy walking away from the library. “Fluttershy!” she called. Fluttershy looked up. “Twilight! I mean… Twilight….”
“Sorry I’m late,” Twilight said as she opened the door and allowed the yellow Pegasus in. “Rarity wanted to take measurements and that sort of thing.”
“Oh, it’s fine, Twilight…. I just…” she looked around. “Is Spike home?”
“He should be. Why?”
Fluttershy’s ears flattened. Twilight noticed a scroll on the desk. She levitated it over; opened it and read.

Twilight,

Pinkie Pie wanted me to go go to Sugarcube Corner to help set up an ‘I-haven’t-seen-you-all-day-but-now-I’ve-found-you-but-who-cares-let’s-party-anyway’ party or something. Be back later, sorry.

Spike


“Nevermind,” Twilight rolled up the scroll. “He’s out for the night.”
Fluttershy’s embarrassment faded, just a little bit. “Oh, that’s… good.”
Twilight yawned, and backed against the wall. “I’m tired – I could sure use a soft pillow to cuddle.” She chuckled to herself.

Fluttershy came over, her face hidden behind her mane.
“Is everything okay, Futtershy?” Twilight asked, furrowing her brow.
“Oh, I’m fine… just really nervous… about…”
About what? Twilight thought. But before she could say anything at all, Fluttershy’s lips were pressed against hers.
“Mmmf!” her eyes grew big, pupils becoming little pinpricks as she sat there, frozen with shock as the usually timid Pegasus kissed her so tenderly…


Then there was a knock on the door, and without waiting for an answer the pony on the other side practically blew the door down.
“Twilight!” Rainbow’s raspy voice called out, “I’m-“

She stopped dead in her tracks, mouth hung open.

Fluttershy pulled away from a very mortified Twilight, blushing furiously. “Rainbow Dash- I- I uh! Um!!”

But before she could say anything, Rainbow Dash flew across the room and collided with Fluttershy, pinning her roughly to the wall where several books fell off the shelves and rained on them.

“Fluttershy! What?! How could you! I thought we were friends!” Rainbow yelled furiously.

Fluttershy begun to cry. Rainbow Dash flew over to Twilight and wrapped her hooves around her; “She’s MY marefriend! She picked me for a reason! Not you!”

Twilight wasn’t sure what to say. She was too dumbfounded to say anything. When had they become marefriends? Twilight wasn’t even into mares!

And that’s when Applejack trotted in with a pie on her head. “Hey, Twi, I- WHAT!?” she cried.

“What in tarnation!” Applejack yelled angrily, betrayal burning in her eyes. “Applejack?!” Rainbow snapped. “What are you doing here?!”

Applejack trotted in and pressed her face against Rainbow Dash’s. “I came to see my marefriend!”

Rainbow Dash let go of Twilight and shoved Applejack back. “Yours?! She’s mine!”

“Actually,” a teary eyed Fluttershy murmured from the corner, “She’s kind of… actually mine…” she recoiled when the two tough mares gave her a look that would put the stare to shame.

All the while Twilight sat there dumbfounded. Had somepony snuck something into one of her snacks in the past week?

And, naturally, that’s when Rarity decided to show up, wearing more make-up than one of Photo Finish’s models and a fancy purple hat perched on her head. “Oh, Twilyyyyy~”
She sang, then stopped dead. She looked at the three other mares, and then Twilight.
“…Did I miss something? Darling, what’s happening?”

“These backstabbing wastes tried to steal my marefriend!”
Applejack and Rainbow Dash said together, each one referring to the other and Fluttershy, who started crying again.

“What?!” Rarity screeched. “Your marefriend?! But – but – she belongs to me!”

Suddenly a pie hit her square in the face. She stood there, mouth agape as the pie foil slid off her face, landing on the ground where it spun a bit before falling upside down. Bits of apple pie and whipped cream slid down her face, her eyelid twitched. The culprit, Applejack, stood her ground. She snorted, pawing the ground with a hoof. Fluttershy rushed over to Twilight. “Help me…”
Suddenly, there was an explosion. It all happened to fast, Rarity, Applejack and Rainbow Dash all charged each other, and now the library was a mess of flying hooves, books being hurled around and mane-pulling and tail-biting and punching and kicking. Somepony grabbed Fluttershy’s tail and pulled her into the fight. Leaving Twilight standing there, as confused as ever.
“Stop this…” she said.
The four continued fighting. (Well, Fluttershy kept trying to escape but was pulled back in)
“Quit! All of you!” Twilight said louder.
Nopony listened. Twilight focused her horn, and then amplified her voice.

QUIET!” she yelled with enough force to send several more books tumbling off the shelves.

Everypony stopped. The dust cleared away to reveal an angry Applejack with a furious Rainbow Dash lying over her back and pulling her mane; Rarity was on Rainbow Dash, her forelegs around the cyan Pegasus’s neck trying to strangle her, and Fluttershy was pinned under all of them.
Twilight glared at them. “All of you, stop this now! And tell me, what the heck is going ON!”

“Well!” Rainbow Dash spat, bucking Rarity off of her and flying up to where the others couldn’t reach her. “I came for my date with you, and what do I find when I get here? That little plot-face” she motioned for Fluttershy, “Was forcing herself on you! Totally ruining what would have been an AWESOME night!”
“No! No!” Fluttershy cried. “It isn’t what you think – I thought – she – she invited me over, and I was just….”
“What in tarnation are y’all talkin about?!” Applejack hissed. “She invited me over! This was supposed to be my first date! The greatest night of my life… ruined…”

Rarity gasped in shock. “No… no you’re both wrong! This was my special night! Me and Twilight…. You ruffians ruined it for the two of us…” she gave Twilight a sad look. “Oh, darling, we were meant to be…. I can feel it…”

Twilight Sparkle was mortified. “No… no! No, you guys…. I didn’t… this was just supposed to be a fun night for all of us! When did I become everypony’s marefriend? What happened?”

Everypony stared at her.
“You…” Fluttershy begun. “You called me an angel…” she blushed again. “And I thought we were going to have a first date tonight….. Unless… did we miss-communicate?! Did I come at the wrong time? Wrong day?”

Rainbow Dash landed, and folded her wings, pawing the ground with a hoof. “You… you said such cheesy things. The kind of things an egghead would totally say to somepony they love… I…. I love you.”

Applejack hung her head. “You came up to me and flirted a bit…. And… I thought we were gonna date tonight…”

Rarity huffed. “You started with harmless flirting, but… I think the entire time we’ve known each other I’ve had these feeling for you, and didn’t know it… You’ve opened my eyes. We were meant to be.” She smiled dreamily.

“Wha… what?” Twilight blinked. “Flirting? Those lines were flirting?!? No… no no! I didn’t mean to flirt! I – I found this book. It was a pick-up-line book… and…”
She facehooved. “Pick up lines! How could I not have seen?” she groaned. She levitated the book over, and held it against her chest. “I think I’ve just messed up my entire life… Girls, I love all of you… but not in that way, I’m sorry. It’s all just a big misunderstanding.”
Fluttershy hung her head, “Oh… it’s okay, Twilight…. Just a misunderstanding…”

Rainbow Dash lowered her ears. “A misunderstanding. I see… no biggie! No problem!” she laughed nervously. “It happens all the time… yeah…”

Applejack sighed. “I… I’m sorry, Twilight…”

Rarity looked positively heartbroken. “I see…. Twilight, I… need some time to think.”

She galloped out.
“Yeah, me too.” Applejack and Rainbow Dash both said, and Applejack galloped out while Rainbow Dash flew over her head.
Fluttershy slowly trudged out, head low. “I’m so sorry, Twilight….”

Twilight collapsed. How would she ever make up for this?