My Life's a Sitcom

by Ashfur

Sludge wave

Hey dad, I'm bored. You wanna tell me a story?”

Slap Stick chuckled at his son. “Sure, Laugh. Sit down, I'll tell you about one of my favorite memories from when I was a young stallion…”

“I hate this. I hate this so much.”

“Hey, it's a living.”

Slap Stick and his brother Heavy Set trudged through the rain, towing a heavy metal cart full of trash that had been compacted into cubes. Being a garbage pony as a part-time job wasn't fun, but it was the kind of job that required strong earth ponies like Slap and Heavy to heft the trash into the cart and pull it. So, there they were: two brothers, hauling trash, in the rain. What's more, the rain was making the garbage in the cart less like a pile of trash and more like a soup of disgusting things, so the two had to be more and more cautious as they slowly tipped cubes into the slop they were hauling with each stop they made.

As the two made their way to the Mareiot hotel, Slap Stick groaned. “Alright, let's get this over with. Biggest load of garbage on the block, here we come.” At the very least, the rain relented, leaving the sky a somber overcast.

Working together, the pair parked the cart near the exit and started hefting the heavy blocks into the cart slowly, ensuring they didn't cause a splash. Slap was weaker than his brother, so he was struggling a little to keep up, but managed to handle it until the last large cube. The brothers worked together to lift it, Slap Stick visibly struggling.

“Hey, Slap. What's a tree's favorite drink?”

Slap knew what was about to happen. He didn't want it to happen, but it was going to. “Heavy, don't you dare! I barely have a grip as it is!”

“Root beer!”

Slap stick let out an amused snort, which evolved into a full blown laugh, dropping the cube to the ground with a thud. “Dang it, Heavy! Now we gotta lift it again.” Slap used his weight to raise the cube of trash up, his hooves not having the best grip due to the rain.

“Hey, Slap. Hey, little bro. What did the elderly pirate say when somepony asked his age?”

“No…”

“Aye matey!”

“Ha ha h- Celestia damn it, Heavy! You made me drop it again!” Digging his hooves under the cube, Slap lifted it with his brother one more time, determined to not drop it again.

“Hey, Slap. Slaaaap. Hey, Slap Stick.”

“I'm not listening to you anymore.” Slap positioned himself under the cube, carefully moving it into position so he could tip it into the murky soup in the cart.

“What's the difference between a piano, a tuna, and a pot of glue?”

“Aha! I know that one, you can't fool me! You can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish! You won't make me drop it this time! Wait…” he paused, holding the cube teetering on the edge. “What about the pot of glue? Never heard that part.”

“I knew you'd get stuck on that one.”

“WILL YOU TWO FILTHY MUD PONIES HURRY UP?” An angry unicorn stallion stormed up in a fancy tuxedo, fuming mad at the pair. “Your stupid garbage cart has been blocking the exit for a good five minutes, and I'm going to be late! Just rear up…” he reared up on his hind legs, so done with waiting he was willing to finish the job for the brothers.

“Wait, don't!” They cried in unison.

“And KICK IT IN!” The stallion bucked the trash cube with all his might, sending it toppling into the sludge in the cart. The resulting impact sent a wave of liquified garbage cascading over the sides of the cart, swamping the immediate area in icky, stinky goop. Slap stick was the only one to react fast enough, diving under the cart to avoid the incoming torrent of gross. The rich stallion didn't even have time to see what was happening before he was drenched, and Heavy Set could only look on in horror as the disgusting splash claimed his cleanliness as well.

“Oh, jeez, that smells AWFUL!” Slap cried out, emerging from his hiding spot. What did you guys roll in?”

“Slap, we need to go. Now!” Heavy quickly hitched himself back up to the trash cart, Slap following suit as they fled the hotel grounds, leaving a stunned, smelly, and now decisively irate stallion standing stock still behind to reconsider his patience and life choices.

As they galloped away, Slap spared a glance at his brother, a grin on his face as a chortle escaped his lips. “Hey big bro, what's slimy, smelly, and got what he deserved?”

“I swear to Celestia, if you finish that sentence I'm gonna kick you so hard later that-”

“The answer is you!”

Author's Note:

Sludge wave: Poision type ponymon attack, base power 95, accuracy 100. Hits multiple targets for maximum hilarity.

Comments

[Eroraf86]

Nice jokes.

[Venerable Ro]

Y'know, personally, I'd have brought a tarp.