You Can't Keep a Good Sun Down Pt.1
By my great God in heaven, just how long would it take me to die? I looked at the land around my inn, smoking a pipe. It has been so freaking long since I got here I literally lost track of time. I said before that I stopped keeping count, but it was still a logical fucking number! As I looked over the horizon I took a puff. Sunrise should be approaching soon, and it was some sort of holiday. I supposed I could check my calendar for which one, or that I should have figured out the holidays by now, but I didn't actually care. The only holiday I still celebrated was St. Patricks day, sure I just said it was the fourth of March because I couldn't really remember the day, but I digress. Half price drinks for all and a Wing Burn for each employee, followed by a total wreck of a party.
I rolled my eyes as the sun staunchly refused to rise. The moon hung in the sky like some mad jester. I stared at it in confusion, something was different. I leaned back towards the inn, calling to whoever was inside. "Hey, can someone come out here and help me establish that I am, in fact, insane?"
I heard some grumbles from inside before the door beside me opened and my grumpy assistant walked up. Pupa, some high born Changeling apparently in their version of the witness protection program. She was fresher than a newborn babe, only showing up about a day or two ago. Thus far she was much too passive for my taste. She looked up at me and rolled her eyes. I beamed at her. "There you go, show some feeling for once." I took a puff of the pipe, doing my best Gandalf pose. "So young Pupa, tell me. Does the moon seem different tonight?"
She glanced at the clean ball of grey in the sky before her eyes bugged out. (Haha) "Mr. Charles, we need to hide!" She bolted back inside, the door swinging slightly as I stared at her smoke outline as it dispersed. I took another puff of my pipe, judging the ever-loving hell out of her for bolting at the moon losing some colored spots. A second later her head peeked out. "Did you hear me, Mr. Charles?"
I rolled my eyes. "Of course Pupa, if we all hide in the only building for miles around we'll never be found! What a brilliant plan!" I pointed my pipe at the surrounding desert. "Look, kid, we're surrounded by zip, zilch, and a small smidge of nada. If something comes looking for us we're nicked anyway, so how about telling me what exactly has you running about like an idiot?"
She stared at me before giving me a look that betrayed her utter astonishment at my lack of what very well may have been common knowledge. "The mare on the moon? You know, the story about the mad princess Nightmare Moon who wants to make the night last forever?"
I tapped my pipe on my chin. "Hmm, that's pretty fuckin' stupid. I mean, don't plants need the sun to do that silly little photosynthesis thing?"
Pupa opened her mouth slightly as if my comment was ridiculously stupid. "What part of mad princess did you miss?"
I nodded towards her, dumping my pipe out on the sand. " You know what? Good point." I tucked my pipe into my chest pocket, making my way to the door. "Well, nothing doing. We'll start up breakfast for my little Gucci gang and see if the sun will figure it's life out later."
Pupa stared at me in horror, as if I was saying something so stupid that it may cause her physical harm. "What if she comes here?"
I shrugged. "Look kid, if this Nightmare Moon chick is so hard up for stuff to do that she'll wander to my little nowhere inn, then she'll do whatever she wants to when she gets here. Until then we're gonna do our jobs and that's it." I did pause when I reached the kitchen though. "Hey Pupa, should we wake up the folks who asked to be woken up at sunrise, or just let them sleep in?"
She looked between me and the stairwell, before throwing a longing glance at the door. She sighed and deflated a bit. "Today's a day to sleep in. I'm sure of that at least."
I nodded. "Yeah, I figured that much at least. Then go and wake up Lord Jeffery the fourth, I've got the wake-up tea for the day." She nodded and stomped upstairs like I just beat her with a 2X4. I raised an eyebrow as I moved a teapot to the stove, grabbing a second one to fill while thinking aloud. "That girl needs to calm down. Not like we're gonna get a guest today, so I highly doubt anything will come of this.
I listened to the bubbling water with a bobbing head, pulling the kettle off as soon as the first whistle chimed. With sure hands, I grabbed the various leaves my special wake-up brew required. Packed with enough caffeine to drop a full grown elephant, and a taste of heaven, this was the lifeblood of my operation. I poured the three glasses my small teapot allowed, grabbing the next one. Technically I only had two employee's, so three glasses were more than enough. The rub of it was that today was gonna suck, so my guests would get some goose juice with my compliments.
I poured the final glasses as there was muttering from outside. A changelings head poked through the service window. "Boss, you're well aware of the current literal apocalypse event going on outside, correct?"
I nodded. "Yep, don't care. Want some tea?"
Lord Jeffery was an odd sort. Upon finding out I named three of my changeling wards Jeffery, he immediately proclaimed he was Lord Jeffery the fourth. I didn't mind this, he made a mean plate of stir-fry and actually had enough manners to cover the front whenever I wanted a break. This did nothing to distract from the fact that the boy was about as strange as they came, and held the airs of aristocracy despite knowing more about architecture than court politics. He looked over the kitchen and nodded. "Good enough chap, I'll handle the bar for any customers. Think you could play us a merry tune while we await our end?"
I nodded. "I can do that Jeff, pass a tea to anything that stumbles down the stairs. It's gonna be one of those days." WIth a positive sounding smack of his lips he disappeared. I placed all but one of the glasses on the window and walked out with y own. Taking a sip I moved over to the King's Corner. My stool had been changed over the years, my various employee's changing whatever they thought they could get away with. Long gone was my simple stool and burned sign. Now an official metal plaque hung freely, with gothic script displaying it's adopted name with pride. The stool was metal, with a plush velvet seat in a soft red. I kinda hated it, but it fit the theme of my corner so I let it slide.
I picked up my fiddle and dusted it off. It had evolved with time as well, though by my own choice rather than others. It had been replaced twice, and this model had gone through more strings then I wanted to share. I felt old just thinking about it. I raised my bow, trying to think of a song that would raise some spirits. After a few experimental pulls of my bow I nodded, and played.
I let myself get lost in the tune, tapping my foot and bobbing my head as my fingers danced across my old friend. I heard several noises in the background but ignored them as my mind stuck to the fiddle like glue. I played with the clarity of a Buddha, and the focus of an ancient monk. Which was odd considering I was as far from enlightened as one could possibly tread and had the discipline of a distracted dog. I finished the song with a flourish, bowing at the small amount of scattered applause.
I looked and found all two of my wonderful patrons standing in front of the bar. I gave them a jaunty wave as I picked up my tea. After a refreshing sip, I smiled wide. "Well, can't ask for a prettier day for the end of the world, eh?"
Jeff gave a laugh, and one of the ponies strained out a smile. The griffon just sneered at me, but he was a grumpy ass, so therefore his opinion was meaningless. The pony spoke up. "So that's it? Nightmare Moon is free and the worlds over?"
I shrugged, looking around to find Pupa pouring herself a glass of whiskey. I waved my bow at her. "Pupa, stop that! If you have to day-drink make it Irish tea so you'll at least stay awake!" She jumped as she turned to me before nodding. She dumped her shot into her tea and stirred the wonderfully evil concoction before taking a sip. "Right, sorry about that folks. But to answer your question, maybe?" I waved my bow about in a hopeless manner. "I figure either something will happen, or it won't. So how about we just enjoy our free tea, and maybe get drunk until we know what's going on?"
The pony looked around as if speaking to a madman, but the griffon nodded. She raised a claw to her beak, tapping it twice. "Yes, that does seem like the smartest course of action. Booze free today?"
I shrugged. "Eh, we'll say two free drinks." I turned to the bar. "Jeff, you stopped being too stuck up to mix drinks yet?"
He chuffed at me. I still had no idea how anything could chuff successfully, but Jeff was a master. "A gentleman takes his drinks straight or abstains. I will not lower myself to your barbaric level."
I laughed, an easy thing with my merry band of idiots. "Yeah yeah, but mom loves me more than you."
I put down my fiddle in its little case. Some little changeling made it a shrine, complete with a plaque which I had used to name it. My Fiddle was Carl if you were curious. I scooted him out of my way, grabbing a tea. "So, you want to make your tea Irish kitty-cat?"
The griffon rolled his eyes. "Of course monkey, though if you want me to come back you could just call me Grimin."
I looked at him. "Is that your real name? Because it sounds fake." She nodded, causing me to begin pouring a bit of booze into her tea. "Well, I'm Charles. I've somehow managed to net a few titles in Equestria, but I made them up so I doubt it does much for my social standing." I paused as a knock rang out through my door. I finished the drink and shouted across the room. "DOORS OPEN, COME JOIN OUR LITTLE APOCOLYPSE PARTY!"
The door slipped open, and Celestia trotted through the door. A collection of bruises and cuts littered her body. I raised an eyebrow as gasps sounded through the bar, but chose to follow my normal subtle stylings. "Damn Celly, you look like shit."
As is the standard for when royalty walks into my door gasps rang out in stereo. I tossed them aside as I reached under the bar, pulling the medkit free. "C'mere Celestia, let's get a look at you." She moved slowly, sitting in front of the King's Corner as I moved over to my stool. I began disinfecting cuts as I looked her over. "So, does this mean we're fucked, or did you have a back-up plan?"
She coughed, but no blood fell. For which I was thankful. When she spoke her voice seemed weak and strained. "I have a plan, and I believe it will work."
I gave her a gentle pat, looking over to Jeff. "Hey Jeff, put on a new kettle. Make Tia the fancy shit, and do whatever gentleman crap you do to make all those ladies smile." Jeff nodded with a smile, running to the back as I gestured to the pony and griffon. "You two, keep doing you." I rolled my hand. "This ain't the first time this old horse wandered in, so just ignore it for a bit until she's fit to talk."
They nodded dumbly, turning around before breaking out into hushed whispers. I checked each cut again, making sure they were clean before slapping a non-bruised area of Celestia. "You're all fixed up boss! Wanna drink while we wait for that plan to finish eh?"
She nodded, a slight smile peeking from under her mane. "But of course Charles. It would be rude to deny such an offer." She paused, looking over the bar. "Though, I don't think I have the time to reenact our second meeting. Perhaps we shall have time to share some Wing Burn later though."
I glared at her. "Celestia, I still don't know what happened that night. I somehow ran out of enough booze for a month in a single night. I found my best two suits on the roof, and Butter called me the lord of dance until she left. I will never do Wing Burn with you again."
Celestia paused, but I couldn't stop the smile as her voice returned to its normal cheer. "If I asked you really nicely and brought a guest would you?"
I've been told I have an iron will. However this was only by liars of the highest caliber, and one of them was actually struck by lightning that very night. I let out a defeated sigh. "Sure, whatever. But I swear to God almighty if you don't send me replacement booze I will write a very strongly worded letter to you and then mail it to the wrong address. I'd like to see your public image after they found out you pulled a dine and dash. Even if it was from a restaurant you've been funding the entire time."
She let out a giggle. "I will prepare the paperwork as soon as I return."
I stood behind the bar and began shuffling back and forth. I looked for breakfast before leaning back. "Yo Jeff, throw on four orders of Pancakes, two with bacon." I paused, before turning to my guests. "I'm feeling like hash and cheese, who else is game?"
The pony seemed to be dumbfounded, mouth open and in an expression of shock. He nodded regardless though so I rose one finger. The griffon simply shrugged. "I will try it, though I have no idea what this hash you speak of is."
Celestia clapped her hooves together like a happy filly. "Oh yes, your hash browns are most excellent. Is it possible I can have some mushrooms with it?" She looked at me expectantly, and I didn't have the will to say no.
I peeked through the window. "And make four sets of browns with cheese, a large one with mushrooms for the princess." Jeff nodded with enthusiasm, passing a large mug to me before returning to the stove. I placed the mug in front of Celestia. "There you go you oversized kid and one set of hash and fungus coming right up."
She stuck out her tongue as I turned to the pony, who was still sitting with his mouth open. I reached over an closed it, before turning to the griffon. "Grimin, right?" She nodded and I checked her half-empty drink. Damn bird drank fast. "Is your friend okay? He seems to be kinda broken."
Grimin shrugged. "I haven't had the honor of traveling very long with him, but from what I gather he is one of Celestia's pet paladins. I think he is simply starstruck at her appearance."
Celestia turned to look at him. "Oh, he is. How are you Comet Trail? Did your mission in Marelantis go well?"
Comet nodded, maintaining a solid unblinking stare at my wall. I snapped a few times in front of his face, getting no reaction. I looked between him and Celestia. "Is this normal? Cause it's freaking me out."
Celestia nodded. "Oh yes, several of the ponies in the Order of Light never expect to meet me. Honestly, the fact that he hasn't fallen to his barrel to spout the various litanies of light is a rather marked improvement over the norm." A ring interrupted everything as my window was filled with food, all smoking hot and smelling wonderful. I began sorting the food to each of my patrons. I reached under the counter, pulling out a large container of maple syrup.
Celestia grabbed it without a second thought, covering her pancakes with a terrifying amount of tree-blood. I watched in abject fear at the pure diabetes slowly leaking onto her plate as a small golden wall rose to keep her hash browns safe from cross-contamination. I shook my head, trying to ignore the affront to health invading my inn and began munching on my own plate. After a few bites, the other guests joined in, me and the griffin enjoying our meat-filled treats. I paused mid-bite, before gesturing my fork to Celestia. After forcing down my flapjack I managed to mumble out my question. "Since you raise the sun, and you can't do that while Nightmare's doing her thing, how will you know if your plan worked?"
She didn't say anything, preferring to shovel the last of her hash browns into her mouth. I raised both eyebrows, unsure whether to be proud or scared of how fast she demolished her plate. Before she could swallow I saw a distant explosion out my front window, a rainbow mushroom cloud rising on the horizon. Celestia pointed to it while nodding. I let out a whistle. "Damn, that's a hell of a cue. Can you make with the sunshine now?"
She nodded, her horn glowing as dawn broke a few hours late, but the sun chasing away the dark desert night. She waved a wing at me before teleporting away. The griffon looked to me with a raised eyebrow. "Did you call the princess of Equestria an oversized kid?"
I nodded, fishing out my pipe. "Yep, called her a horse too." I pointed my fork to her hash browns, only a few bites taken from them. "You gonna finish those hash browns? Tonights gonna be weird."
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9454854
Uh, now-ish. Like just published.
Damn, I'm getting really into this already!
9454946
Thank you!
9455021
Uh, I may also be working on the next chapter. I'm using the power of insomnia for good! Probably.
9455038
I will support that unwise decision. The next chapter is all about the next day. And the self-hatred of binge drinking. It's a magical journey.
Really looking forward to where this one goes; many grins and chuckles have been had thusfar.
Coolio, I'm likin' the story so far. Just started reading, and I haven't checked the chapter dates.
9455064
Hey, lets not. I am working my way to drunk and don't want people to realize my super secret technique.
Have always really liked the dumb, lighthearted stories like these, but this is the best I've read yet. Good job
I can imagine Celestia has a special manor reserved for his personal use RIGHT beside the castle, and have some noble come to his inn complaining about how she won't allow anypony onto the grounds outside of maintenance purposes.
Oh yes CAn I Have a POtato
9455119
incredible
*clicks in impressed* double noice.
Ohh boy I’m laughing so hard.
The little detail of casually using a magical shield to keep separate foods separate on the plate is incredibly striking, and somehow I have never seen someone write it before.
9457186 It is a necessity to prevent abominations, such as spinach juice from mixing with corn juice and making my hotdog bun soggy.
When an occurrence like that takes place, the only solution is to incinerate everything in a 10-mile radius.
IT MUST BE CLEANSED!!!
9457707
This.
This is why I like you.
This is my kind of story: the ones with that one guy who gives zero shits about the insanity that his life has become.
9458172
Hey, if it's gone nuts you might as well have some fun with it, no?
9457707
Ashes to ashes, dust to dust.
Well, this is way better than the shit we get in canon.
In the show its like Celestia peaced the fuck out to have Twilight do the work.
Here you have shown Tia throw them hooves but it just wasn't enough. This also explains why Nightmare Moon didnt just stomp a mud hole in six pony plots that night. One does not simply walk away from a fight with Celestia.
With both of them hurtin, that gives the Mane 6 the chance they need to find the elements.
I tip my hat to you.
This fic will be the end of me one day. XD.
I'm keking.
Huh.
I'll be honest, the initial time-skip of a casual millennium in the first few chapters was a bit jarring, but this is an incredibly enjoyable little fic.
Be curious to see how it develops.
Well, sir - you had my curiosity. Now, you have my attention. This shit is good. Have a Like.
Make this one of his official Titles please!!!!!
Carl hasnt improved yet, cuz everyone still plays him like a goddamn fiddle
Unecessary space.
its?
changeling's
Uppercase i should be lowercase.
my
employees
its
world's
Wait, so is the griffon male or female?
door's/door is?
and
tonight's/tonight is?
So which is it? Is it HE/HIM, or SHE/HER?
Finally, a good explanation of where Celestia was during Nightmare moon