The Inn At The End Of Equestria

by Nobodyslament

Don't Party With The Princess

It had been a long time. Like, a really long time. I stopped counting when I realized my age was apparently hard-locked in my early twenties. My changeling had left after a few decades, only to be replaced by another. It appeared hiring one spread through whatever passed for a rumor mill in their home because I always had at least one exiled changeling working in my kitchen. With occasional wait staff for a few months before they wandered off to do whatever it is they did. The ponies and griffons adjusted quickly, probably because I complained at them until they either ignored them or left.

Of course, It still was hardly a hotspot of customers, their slow funneling rate showing just how little my area was traveled. This was the main reason I was so confused when early on a winter morning a knock sounded at my door. I put down my fiddle and walked up, opening the door without fanfare. I didn't bother looking at who was behind me, instead going back to what Sam-I-am, my first employee, had dubbed the king's corner. A small plaque proclaiming it proudly hanging above my stool and fiddle. I picked it up and watched the door. A head poked through. "Er, are you going to announce the princess's arrival?"

I stared at the guard in all his shiny glory. I raised an eyebrow at the embarrassed pony. "No, if she wants a drink then go tell her to come on in, but I ain't gonna put on airs for her."

There was a fearful look from the guard, but he ducked back out without much preamble. I began to play on my fiddle, beginning a sea shanty for fun and profit. "Yo ho, up she rises! Yo ho, up she rises!" I began going through the full shanty as the same guard ran through the door. "Presenting her royal highness, Princess Celestia!" I paused my playing, watching as the sad winged unicorn from all those decades ago walked through the door. She seemed a bit taller, and her sad eyes now glinted with joy as she scanned the area.

She stopped at a small painting of the desert, strange shapes and otherworldly figures haunting the way. She looked it over. "My, what a unique piece!"

I put up the fiddle, walking up as soon as it was resting softly. "Yeah, dude who sold it to Sam was half-baked. Literally. I'm pretty sure he was smoking some speed weed becaude he said this was the view outside his rooms window." I began move behind the bar. "Of course, the fact that his room didn't have a window seemed to vex him quite a bit. Been a while Celestia, cashing in that free room?"

She stared at me in confusion. "Charles? You still reside in this inn?"

I nodded, grabbing a glass before peering around my first customer. "6, 7, 8. Eight guards. I don't have enough rooms unless some of them are fine doubling up, but I should be able to host you guys pretty easy. Food's free too, I have a cook now, so I'm not scared you'll throw up or something."

Celestia seemed to stare, and a small tendril of that old golden magic reached out, lightly touching me as my vision flashed slightly. She took a half-step back, confusion evident on her face. "You are Charles, how are you alive?"

I smiled. "Good eating and the will of my many many customers." I gestured to the empty bar. "And the gangs all here tonight, lemme check on the cook." I turned around to face the small window we cut between the kitchen and the bar. I saw Butter half-asleep in the corner. "Yo Butter, get your shit together! We got customers who need a fresh meal and a cold drink. I'll handle the floor if you can make orders!"

There was a solid thump as she fell off her chair, and I laughed. She grumbled a bit. "I told you I'm not Butter. I am D - 163, and I would appreciate being called by my given name."

I laughed again. "If you think I'm calling anything a number I got bad news. Down that path lies unions, caring about profit margins, and soulless paperwork. So come up with something better if you want me to stop calling you Butter!" I turned back to Celestia, who was watching in both confusion and delight.

One of her guards spoke up. "Uhm, sir? Was that a changeling I heard in the back?"

I nodded. "Eyup, just don't call her by whatever it is she just said. She's Butter until she comes up with something better. Or Butter. Haha, puns." I clapped my hands together. "So, what can I get you wonderful ponies tonight. Butter is pretty bad at meat, but luckily when it comes to veggies she's a grade-a supastar!" I did a few energetic motions I spoke if only to wake myself up from my own sleepy haze.

The guards all looked worried, but Celestia let out a small giggle. "I'll admit, I was here to see how you could keep signing for things far past how long I thought you would remain alive, but we did need a place to rest tonight. If you would be so kind as to suggest a meal, we will gladly use your generous offer."

I nodded with a wide smile. "Badass." I leaned back. "Yo Butter, get me one order of your greatest sampler, I'll get the other's in a sec." I looked at the guards. "Aight gold boys, there's a menu above my head, take your pick. Drinks are on the house but don't get too rowdy, my only waiter is passed out upstairs right now."

I begin pulling out glasses as orders slowly funnel in. I let myself get lost in the humdrum of day to day work until one of the guards says something not relating to work. "So this is the special service a princess gets?"

I shrug, filling his glass. "Nah, she doesn't get any special service besides free. I don't fake stuff for my guests, I believe the term for what I do is keeping it real."

The guard scoffed. "Respect isn't fake. For a weird ape, you seem awfully sure that you need not care for proper decorum."

I finished off his glass, and moved to the glass beside him, filling it up. "I don't put on airs because I don't care. I respect her like I respect the sea. I know she wields power that could destroy everything, and that I owe her, but like I don't bow to the sea I don't bow to her. If she needed me to bow to show my appreciation then she would be far more foolish than I believe." I paused, looking at Celestia as I thought. "Though you are right. YO CELESTIA!" The guard sputtered as I walked off.

I began grabbing a few bottles of various booze, pulling out a large glass. She looked to me with a raised eyebrow. "Yes Charles, do you require something?"

I smiled as I sorted the bottles on the counter. "Yeah, loose women and new set of fiddle strings. But that ain't what I'm talking to you for." I put the glass in front of her. "You've done right by me celly, so I ask you. Do you want to taste the drink that can only be brought to you by the greatest human mixer in all the land?"

She giggled. "Of course, though since you are the only human I've ever seen I fear you may have earned that title by default."

I nodded. "Yep, the best way to win a title. Then let me give you my under the table special. I call it Wing Burn." I spun a bottle in my hand. "Fair warning, don't go flying for twenty-four hours after drinking this, and please remember the vomit bucket is conveniently located in each corner and under the bed of the private rooms." There were a few laughs and many more gasps as I began splashing various drinks in the glass. Celestia watched as I spilled more and more liquid courage into the cup. Whiskey, Rum, beer, ale, cider. They all mixed and swirled inside as grabbed the final ingredient. With the holy care it deserved, I grabbed a small golden vial. I popped the top and spilled liquid rainbow into the top. A small pillar of smoke rose from the drink, and I smiled.

Celestia reached forward, and I slapped her hand aside like she was a toddler. "No, not yet your majesty. This drink hasn't earned its wings yet." The guards glared while I poked my head through the window behind me. "Hey Butter, you got a few seconds?"

Butter glanced behind her, removing her pan from the heat and nodded. "Yep, gotta let this sit for a moment anyway. What does my useless boss need today?"

I flipped her off. Because I am a mature adult. "We're giving a patron wings, I need you for the finishing touch."

Butter smiled wide, vampire fangs glinting in the firelight. "Oh Tartarus, why didn't you say so." She began galloping around, opening the door and ignoring the patrons as she approached the bar. I'll admit, watching Celestia turn to her was perfect. The way her face fell and she skidded across the floor into a table was perfectly perfect. Her head popped up from an empty pan that had been on the wall. "Uh, boss? Did you perhaps notice the leader of an entire nation sitting at your bar?"

I smiled. "Don't worry about it Butter, I need you to light this drink up like a firecracker."

She groaned. "Whatever, guess your plan is to get us killed for giving the princess alcohol poisoning." She slowly trotted up to the counter. "I want it on record right now, I am being forced to do this against my will." She began to use sarcasm so thick I thought of making it my newest drink. "Oh, ah no. Please don't make me boss."

Despite the complaints, she lowered her horn to the tall glass and a thin spark of magic arced into it. The drink erupted into flames, the topmost layer softly burning. I gave a bow."Princess, your drink is ready."

The whole group stared as Butter took the moment to slink back into the kitchen. Celestia raised a wing to point at the drink. "Is it supposed to be on fire?"

I nodded happily. "Yep. Couldn't call it Wing Burn, if it didn't burn, could I? I am many things my dearest princess, but liar is only kinda on the list." She still appeared hesitant, so with a roll of my eyes I grabbed another glass. "C'mon Celly, I'll drink one too." I paused, before pointing to a random guard. "You, go upstairs to room 9 and wake up Billiam." The guard looked to Celestia who nodded. As I began mixing my own drink I shouted after him. "Tell him I need his help because I'm about to get wasted."

I did my work quickly, letting my hands move like blurs as I focused on the task at hand. I knew I only had a few more vials of liquid rainbow left, but I was so fine with using it like this. Turning up with a princess was quite the achievement even without it being my own special drink. I cracked the top, and added a flourish to its dump for my own ego, spinning the bottle as I emptied it into my mixture. I held the drink through the window. "One more Butter, light up my world." I heard a sigh, but felt the fwoosh of flame and pulled the drink to my chest. "Alright, princess lets go." Without any lead in I flipped the drink into my mouth, chugging down flaming alcohol like a white girl with daddy issues.

I will say, you've never been to a college party if there weren't a bunch of lost students with no clue what they were doing in it. I may have earned a degree, but it was useless and I knew as much. So I hid my own lack of plan under a mad amount of alcohol, and my chug game was on point. Within ten seconds my attack run on my liver was complete, and I was pretty sure I nailed the exhaust port if you catch my meaning. Mostly because the world probably wasn't wobbling and I don't remember when I doubled the signs hanging around the eating area. Celestia let out a breath as her own drink hit the bar. "Oh my, that was much stronger than the last drink I had here."

I nodded and felt myself fall into my bar with a solid thunk. I laid on the floor for a second before several heads peeked over the counter. I raised a thumb to them. "Hells yea, Wing Burn's a hell of a time." I began stumbling into a vertical stance that I hesitate to call standing. "I think- I think it's the strongest drink I make. I normally only let employees have it, but you're a good gal Celly. Hope ya liked it." She nodded with a smile. It was a nice smile, though I liked everyone's smile. I'm probably biased. "Hey Celly, I got a room special for you. Since you said you might wander in, I got number... uhhhhhh." My train of thought derailed as a sight came from beside me.

I turned to it, and Billiam was standing behind the bar. He looked at me with lidded eyes, disappointment flowing from his face like a waterfall of issues I hadn't seen since I told an ex I ran a bar. "Boss, go sit down." I nodded emphatically as he gave a bow to Celestia. "I'm sorry for my bosses actions, I don't know what made him think it was a good idea to drink Wing Burn with guests in the bar."

I raised a hand, pointing to the sky while trying to spin to his direction. "Hey!" I overshot, scrambling to find my balance as I stumbled backward. I caught myself before impacting a chair, steadying myself with the bar. "Celly's no guest. She's a friend. Like- Like..." I snapped my fingers as a thought coalesced. "Like Bob Ross, or Mr. Rogers. A true Hero of her time!" That was as far as my speech went, as the floor decided to reintroduce itself to my face. With another loud thump, I hit the floor.

***

I groaned as I woke up, my head pounding. I looked over my surroundings, trying to make a checklist of my fuckups. "Okay, number one. This is almost 100%, not my room." I glanced at the bar floor, with a fair number of loose bottles scattered across the floor, and a single guard still in armor passed out in front of the door. I stood slowly, patting myself down. I was still wearing clothes, so that was a positive. Unfortunately, my pipe was missing from my pocket. I felt my bag of tobacco, so I had that still. I glanced around before my vision settled on the carved Griffon head on my wall. It was based on some hero of legend and Sam bought it before he left. My pipe hung from the beak, and I grabbed it before packing it and walking to a small candle. I used the open flame to light it, and took a few puffs, looking at my current trash pit of an inn. I peeked in the kitchen and found it empty.

"Okay, so everyone is probably hungover. Sadly I'm included in this list." I rubbed my face, before popping out a smoke ring. "Okay, so pick up the floor and make hella hash browns and pancakes. Ultimate hangover cure. And if I can do it without burning myself it will be a successful morning." So that's what I did. Using many years of training I silently cleaned up the floor, placing each glass bottle gently against the wall so I could trade them to the next passing merchant. As soon as that was done I moved to the back and turned on the oven.

It took another thirty minutes before proof of life came from on high. Heavy hoofsteps sounded from the stairs as I threw together the second plate of hash browns. A thump sounded from somewhere outside, and I grabbed the plate with the easy grace only given by repetition. Bussing tables were always my best skill, being loaded up with tons of food and delivering it with style was a hobby I rarely got to enjoy anymore. Walking out of the kitchen I found Celestia, apparently, none the worse for wear as she happily sat at the bar. "Oh, hello Charles! I must say you do know how to throw a party, I think that was the first Nightmare Night I've enjoyed in ages."

I placed the plate in front of her, before pawing behind the bar and throwing a prepared bottle of water that I kept for moments like this in front of her. I began to slink back into the quiet kitchen before my brain loaded what she said. "The fuck's a Nightmare Night?" No answer followed, and I heard Celestia begin her meal. I decided that was a question for another day. As a lance of pain speared my head I changed my mind. It was a question for another year because today was definitely a quiet day.

Comments

[Alondro]

I suspect that chalice may have granted Charles the power of... Not Dying A Lot!!

[Nobodyslament]

9454673
Yep, or at least close enough.

[rikusorasephiroth]

9454687
I can see it going all-out on being literal with him being immortal.
Immortal, not invincible. Someone comes in and kills him, only for him to wake up in one of the rooms the next day and kick out the one that killed him.

[Tide Hunter]

Of course, I still was hardly a hotspot of customers, their slow funneling rate showing just how little my area was traveled. This was the main reason I was so confused when early on a winter morning a knock sounded at my door. I put down my fiddle and walked up, opening the door without fanfare. I didn't bother looking at who was behind me, instead going back to what Sam-I-am, my first employee had dubbed the king's corner. A small plaque proclaiming it proudly hanging above my stool and fiddle. I picked it up and watched the door. A head poked through. "Er, are you going to announce the princesses' arrival?"

it
employee, had
"princesses" is plural. I do believe you meant "princess's"

She stopped at a small painting of the desert, strange shapes and ptherworldly figures haunting the way. She looked it over. "My, what a unique piece!"

otherwordly

I nodded, grabbing a glass before peering around my first customer. "7, 6, 8. Eight guards. I don't have enough rooms unless some of them are fine doubling up, but I should be able to host you guys pretty easy. Food's free too, I have a cook now, so I'm not scared you'll throw up or something."

I think you meant "6, 7, 8."

I nodded. "Yep, best way to win a title. Then let me give you my under the table special. I call it Wing Burn." I spun a bottle in my hand. "Fair warning, don't go flying for twenty four hours aftrer drinking this, and please remember the vomit bucket is conviently located in each corner and under the bed of the private rooms." There were a few laughs, and many more gasps as I began splashing various drinks in the glass. Celestia watched as I spilled more and more liquid courage into the cup. Whiskey, Rum, beer, ale, cider. They all mixed and swirled inside as grabbed the final ingrediant. With the holy care it deserved, I grabbed a small golden phial. I popped the the top and spilled liquid rainbow into the top. A small pillar of smoke rose from the drink, and I smiled.

Celestia reached forward, and I slapped her hand aside like she was a toddler. "No, not yet your majesty. This drink hasn't earned it's wings yet." The guards glared hile I poked my head through the window behind me. "Hey Butter, you got a few seconds?"

after
conveniently
as I grabbed
ingredient
Also, the "I grabbed a small golden phial" almost feels redundant. I feel like it may work better as "as I grabbed the final ingredient, a contained within a small golden phial, with the holy care it deserved." Though, my main gripe with it is how you say that he grabbed it, and then, he grabbed it again.
I do believe that Celestia has hooves, not hands.
while

Despite he complaints she lowered her horn to the tall glass, and a thin spark of magic arced into it. THe drink erupted into flames, the topmost layer softly burning. I gave a bow."Princess, your drink is ready."

her
The

I nodded happily. "Yep. Couldn't call it Wing Burn if it didn't burn could I. I am many things my dearest princess, but liar is only kind of on the list." She still appeared hesitant, so with a roll of my eyes I grabbed another glass. "C'mon Celly, I'll drink one to." I paused, before pointing to a rnadom guard. "You, go upstairs to room 9 and wake up Billiam." The guard looked to Celestia who nodded. As I began mixing my own drink I shouted after him. "Tell him I need his help, because I'm about to get wasted."

could I?
too
random
him, "Tell

I did my work quickly, letting my hands move like blurs as I focused on the task at hand. I knew I only had a few more vials of liquid rainbow left, but I was so fine with using it like this. Turning up with a princess was quite the achievement even without it being my own special drink. I cracked the top, and added a flourish to its dump for my own ego, spining the bottle as I emptied it into my mixture. I held the drink through the window. "One more Butter, light up my world." I heard a sigh, but felt the fwoosh of lame and pulled the drink to my chest. "Alright princess, lets go." Without any lead in I flipped the drink into my mouth, chugging down flaming alcohal like a white girl with daddy issues.

spinning
flame
alcohol

I will say, you've never been to a college party if there weren't a bunch of lost students with no clue what they were doing in it. I may have earned a degree, but it was useless and I knew as much. So I hid my own lack of plan under a mad amount of alcohal, and my chug game was on point. Within ten seconds my attack run on my liver was complete, and I was pretty sure I nailed the exhaust port if you catch my meaning. Mostly because the world probably wasn't wobbling and I don't remember when I doubled the signs hanging around the eating area. Celestia let out a breath as her own drink hit the bar. "Oh my, that was much stronger than the last drink I had here."

alcohol

I raised a hand, pointing to the sky while trying to spin to his direction. "Hey!" I vershot, scrambling to find my balance as I stumbled backwards. I caught myself before impacting a chair, steadying myself with the bar. "Celly's no guest. She's a friend. Like- Like..." I snapped my fingers as a thought coalesced. "Like Bob Ross, or Mr. Rogers. A true Hero of her time!" That was as far as my speech went, as the floor decided to reintroduce itsself to my face. With another loud thump I hit the floor.

overshot
itself

It took another thirty minutes before proof of life came from on high. Heavy hoofsteps sounded from the stairs as I threw together the second plate of hash browns. A thump sounded from somewhere outrside, and I grabbed the plate with east grace. Bussing tables was always my best skill, being loaded up with tons of food and delivering it with style was a hobby I rarely got to enjoy anymore. Walking out of the kitchen I found Celestia, apparently none the worse for wear as she happily sat at the bar. "Oh, hello Charles! I must say you do know how to throw a party, I think that was the first Nightmare Night I've enjoyed in ages."

outside
I don't know if there's such a thing as "east grace," but I think you mean "ease and grace"

[Nobodyslament]

9454746
Fixed

[WARGAMES]

whens next up

[Nobodyslament]

9454848
Uh, I'm writing it now, so probably a couple hours? Unless I manage to hurt myself or pass out.

[WARGAMES]

9454853
thats legendary

[Nobodyslament]

9454854
I am an absolute mad lad.

[PaintedPony]

This just keeps getting better.

[WARGAMES]

Butter is pretty bad at meat, but luckily when it comes to veggies she's a grade-a supastar!"

Is that intentional ?

[leaderofstars]

9457341
yes.

[Hein des Nisseroi]

9454746
Pretty sure it is meant to possessive, rather than plural.

I'm pretty sure he was smoking some speed weed becaude he said this was the view outside his rooms window

because
room's

get me one order of your greatest sampler, I'll get the other's in a sec.

others? Not sure if it is meant possessive or plural.

I gave a bow."Princess,

Missing space.

"I'm sorry for my bosses actions,

boss'

[Tide Hunter]

9530028
"Princesses" is still the plural form. The possessive form is "princess's"

[Verdauga]

Hoo. That's strong stuff. And liquid rainbow? That sounds awesome.

[Cheshirek4t]

9542226
Your comment got me thinking
Maybe its the same liquid rainbow from the rainbow rainbowfalls on rainbow's house... rainbow

[Bahamuttone]

speed weed becaude he said this

because

energetic motions I spoke if only to

motions while I [probably?]

right by me celly, so I

Celly

ask you. Do you

you: do

[Dashie04]

I like that you’re giving the changelings different personalities. It really makes this story pretty good.

Might be one of my favorite comedy stories I’ve read.

[reader238]

"Celly's no guest. She's a friend. Like- Like..." I snapped my fingers as a thought coalesced. "Like Bob Ross, or Mr. Rogers. A true Hero of her time!"

I am sad we didn't get Celestia's reaction to this proclamation. This is only their second meeting and he already treats her like they are old friends

[StabbymcKnife]

For the mobile users

[KvAT]

9962838
And so highly too, up there with the legends