Chaotic Birthdays
Today was a holy day. One to be retold in the ancient tomes of the inn that I totally didn't write myself. Today was an employee birthday. Normally such days were marked with a small party and a simple gift, but Pupa had chosen the most foolish action she could. Not warning me ahead of time. She had refrained from mentioning it until complaining about a large mass of travelers passed in. Thus my holy crusade began. A chalkboard and tape changed the king's corner to the Queen's Corner. A chair from my room and a hack-job in upholstery gave her a throne to match the corner, and some free drinks turned the entire inn into a large party. everything was perfect. From Jeffery hosting a large card game, to Pupa glaring daggers at me as I drank whiskey straight from the bottle with a smile on my face.
I spun around the room with a smile on my face, dancing to a lively tune a merchant was playing on a guitar. A random minotaur lady joined my impromptu dance, spinning and laughing alongside me before grabbing the whiskey from my grip and leaving with a smile on her lips. I didn't let it faze me if the worst thing to happen at this party was some stolen drinks then it was going to be a huge disappointment. I twirled my way over to the birthday girl, my happy buzz guiding my stumbling steps. I stopped in front of her. "And now, we reach my endgame. You stand charged with the crime of not forewarning me of your birthday. How do you plead?" Pupa stared at me in confusion. Her mouth opened to speak, but I cut her off. "Of course, guilty. Choosing the honorable way." I raised a hand and placed it on her shoulder. "I shall take this under consideration during your sentencing."
Pupa's eyes widened. "Sentencing? What would the punishment possibly be for not telling everyling my freakin' birthday?"
I leaned forward. "I'm glad you asked my fine chitin'ed friend. Your sentencing is thus. You shall tell me your heart's desire for a birthday gift. Upon sharing with me this great secret, I shall upend the heaven and the earth to bring it unto you." I raised a hand to the air. "Was it not the great Thomas Jefferson, one of the founders of freedom, who said that honesty is the first chapter of wisdom?!" I raised my other hand as if signaling to God above my words were holy writ. "While I make no claim to have the book of wisdom, I remain true to the first chapter. So tell me desire, and if I have to call the princess herself, it will be delivered unto you like divine salvation!" I clenched my fists to my chest, finishing my acting scene to scattered applause from several of my drunker customers.
Pupa's face had a green tint, but after a moment she opened her mouth to answer. "W-well, if it's anythi-"
She was cut off by a loud pop sounding off above a table. She stared at it with an open mouth as I turned, and saw something strange. Even by my standards. A mismatched creature, floating in the air above my table. He was looking around as if searching for something, but I was more confused by his appearance. I saw a bit of snake, dragon, goat, deer, and nightmare all making up his body like a blender had gone haywire in a petting zoo from hell. I stared as his eyes fell on me, and he perked up. "Ah, you must be who I'm looking for. Tell me, have you ever heard of the creature named Strife?"
I stared at him a moment longer before my fine instinct for survival kicked in. I slowly turned around, walking to the bar and pulling out another bottle. I took a sip, letting the flavor rest in my mouth as the creature looked at me with a quirked head. He looked around the bar. "Can this thing hear? Or is it some strange pet of the owners?" He snapped his finger, and I began glowing like a Christmas tree.
I took another sip of whiskey. Because when weird shit happens it's better to be drunk than sober. As I lowered the bottle I confronted the problem as my centuries of experience allowed. "Questions are free, info comes with drinks."
The creature raised its eyebrows. "Are you serious? Do you know who I am?" He gestured to the creatures in my bar. The drunk ones had begun to party even harder, while the sober ones had all started to glare at their drinks. Pupa was sniffing hers. The creature turned it's eyes to me with a crestfallen expression. "Apparently they don't care who I am..."
I shrugged. "Well, you just crashed a birthday party. By the laws of man, I must say a quick phrase to you." I cleared my throat. "Fuck you." I smiled wide. "With that done, it's two bits for a drink of your choice. Three bits if you want to join the party and get four free drinks."
The creature raised a paw, counting on fingers that appeared in order. By the end, his paw had somewhere around twenty digits. "That's a huge discount."
I shrugged. "It's a party. Everything else got it free, but crashing parties comes with a cost." The creature shrugged, and with another snap of his fingers, three bits appeared on my counter. I nodded and scooped them up. "And with that, you get your info. Never heard of Strife, unless you mean the emotion." I bent under the bar. "What's your poison?"
One of the creature's ears twitched. "One moment, something happening." He snapped again, disappearing with a flash of confetti. I watched dumbfounded and nodded. I took another sip of whiskey. This was one of those days. Right about the time I decided to return to Pupa, the creature appeared again. "Sorry about that, had to see a pony about a necklace and a boulder." He leaned forward into the bar. "Ugh, ponies can be such a bore." He waved his hand. "Whatever you think would fit a sad immortal.
Instantly my thoughts turned to wing burn. Just as instantly I shut them down, and instead grabbed twin shot glasses and a bottle of bourbon. I poured both and grabbed one for myself. "I find the medicine for an immortal of any sort is company and hard liquor, what's on your mind?"
The creature sighed, before slinging back the shot. "Well, you see..." His ear twitched again. "One moment." He disappeared again, this time a full strawberry cake replacing him on the seat. I leaned over the table and grabbed it, placing it on the counter for later. Sure enough, he returned. "Sorry about that." He straightened himself out a bit, floating above the seat. "My name's Discord and the only other of my kind I knew of is missing." He let out a breath, blowing sparkling glitter over my bar. I took a sip of bourbon and refilled his glass.
He gave me a thankful nod. "The last place I could find a hint of his power is here, and all I find is a strange monkey and a birthday party. While that would be exactly where I would be if I was hiding. My poor older brother would be somewhere much more boring."
I shrugged. "Well then, let's do what you'd do." I slammed back my bourbon, before walking out from behind the bar. "LET'S GET THIS FUCKING PARTY STARTED!!" I grabbed my fiddle and bow, hooking it into my cheek and smiling. "I DEDICATE THIS SONG TO TWO FOLK! FIRST UP IS OUR RESIDENT BIRTHDAY GIRL! PUPA, RISE FOR THE CROWD!" Pupa shot me a glare but rose as the customers began stomping and clapping. I pointed my bow to Discord. "AND SECOND, TO THIS RANDOM IMMORTAL WHO WANDERED IN, GIVE IT UP FOR DISCORD!" The applause was stammered and broken this time, but Discord bowed deeply and caught a few roses that I was about seventy-percent sure weren't thrown by anyone. I ignored it and sawed out a happy tune.
***
I woke up in the bathtub. As far as after-party stupor went, this was actually pretty high on my ways to wake up scale. I slowly sat up, moving downstairs in the light of dawn. I went down to find my guests gone, apparently leaving early. Pupa was in the kitchen, making my normal after-party meal. She smiled through the window and passed the plate to me. I smiled back. "Pupa, you're a goddess, don't let anyone tell you different."
She nodded and came around to the front, a glass of tea held in her grasp. She sat down beside me. "Well, I had to thank you somehow. Because of you, I got advice from a god, and I liked what I heard."
I looked at my plate for a moment. "Advice from a god, how'd I manage that. The only guy I helped was that Discord schmuck."
Pupa giggled at me. "Silly Charlie, Discord is a god."
Pupa was evil, telling me that as soon as I shoved a banana in my mouth. I choked for a moment. "Wait, that dude's a god?!"
She smiled and nodded. "Yep, Discord, god of chaos and disharmony. Once he sent everyone home he said for my birthday he'd give me five minutes to talk before he went back to Ponyville to something with the elements of who-cares. I just asked him for some advice, and he gave me some pretty solid pointers."
I nodded. "Like what?"
She shrugged. "You'll find out." She leaned in and kissed me on the cheek. As she walked off I raised an eyebrow. I began thinking as I munched on the food. Did female changelings get touchier than I was used to the more comfortable they got around you? I had only had one female employee, and I was fairly sure Butter hated me. I shrugged as I took a bite of pancake. It'd all come out in the wash anyway.
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This was awesome
Pupa is slowly getting there...
where about on the periodic table does Charles fit in terms of density?
9486954
Hella
If you go even denser then equis is in for a blackhole
9486954
(OS) Osmium. Probably.
ah yes. as dense as a brick made of anime protagonists
9486975
Then comes the implosion
Hmm, yep dense as ever. Is that the secret to his immortality, to dense to know when anything is being directed at him.
Oh buddy jolly gee. This’ll be some fun shizzle.
Ah, you have circumvented my logic with plot convenience.
Your author powers cant protect you forever.
Okay, so only Pupa and Butter were female changelings. The rest were male. Now while i could follow that to its logical conclusion, im going to skip the low hanging fruit.
Are you going to dance around the topic with all the grace of a dense anime protagonist, or are we going to get some fluffiness? Or, option three, a serious heart to heart followed by saying goodbye to Pupa?
After all, not all crushes get reciprocated.
I'm guessing strife sent Charles to equestrian.
9486981
Oh yeh of little faith, that's waaaaay to light for Charles
9487220
All in favor of creating a new Periodic Element that may accurately portray Charlie's density?
Aye
..sure, why not...
Aye
Eye!
>[Y]/N
There we have it, the new element, Densnium, (Id), which is dense enough to bend light, approximates Charle's obliviousness
9487204
Or plot twist Strife is the Inn.
Intresting that Discord went to a party and the building remained the same shape, never mind material. Youd almost think it was hiding from him so he didnt even notice he hadnt noticed not noticing it. Not even Poster Boy there.
9487204
That fits the facts we have, but we're missing a motive.
9487321
Okay, two things. One: that’s not how any of those things works. And two: ever heard of neutron stars?
9487767
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memegenerator.net/img/instances/29420118/scatter-boish.jpg
6amcrisis.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/06/woopwoopwoop-800.jpg
I hope Charlie didn't drink Discord's friend.
9487767
Sure I have
They help Commanders get to Colonia damn quick
Pancakes for Shrove Tuesday
9487767 Why yes I have!
So, what do you think: quark-gluon plasma or strange-quark-neutrons for their cores?
Pupa got advice from Discord.
This surely shall not lead to anything amiss.
9491858
Hard to say. It's not exactly easy to create that kind of pressure in the lab. Personally, I'd lean more towards quark-gluon plasma.
9491902 I suspect the truth is far more horrifying. Leans forward and whispers, "Infinite Neil Breens..."
I wants to see him meet the Elements.
lollol
though I'm not sure how I should be feel about my similarities to Old Tom. . .
Welp, that was fun.
He woke up in the bathtub. I giggled like a schoolgirl at that (kinda hard to do when you're a 6'1" 230 Ib guy). I have no idea why that was so funny to me.
9508579
You lose your head, too? I know the feeling. It's a pain when I can't find it back.
Pupa use Sweet Kiss!
Charlie is oblivious, and there for unaffected!
9486954
Denser than Lead.
9717040
so osmium?
9487329
OR He was what Charles drank when he got there!!!!!