Temple of Truth

Starlight Nova

Starlight Nova #1 · Feb 11th, 2019 · · ·

Reply

Is your username based off of the Sarmillion?

Xanderfox

Xanderfox #2 · Feb 11th, 2019 · 2 · ·

Reply

Thought this was going to be a shipfic, actually glad you didn't go there. It's nice to see an intimate platonic relationship in fan-fic for once. We all need breaks from our friends (even our best friends). Also just because something is painful doesn't mean we don't need to know it. Like Frankincense knowing the truth about his mom or Smolder knowing she can be a difficult person.

RainbowDoubleDash

RainbowDoubleDash #3 · Feb 11th, 2019 · · ·

Reply

Well this looks interesting. I’m always up for more Ocellus.

Lets Do This

Lets Do This #4 · Feb 12th, 2019 · 1 · ·

Reply

I liked this! It's a nice map-mission adventure, and a good in-depth character story for Smolder and Ocellus. One minor issue is that it focuses mainly on Smolder, and map-missions generally make balanced use of the talent/ability of both characters sent on then. (See Made in Manehattan in Season 5, and Sounds of Silence in Season 8 for some good examples of this.) So for example, Smolder's brashness helps them find the friendship problem, but Ocellus's skills should help resolve it, beyond simply being Smolder's backup in a crisis.

Below is some more detailed feedback. (BTW, if you prefer I can send this to you as a PM instead. Just let me know.)

And she really sort of was. She wasn’t going to cheat on a test again. That wasn’t who she wanted to be. She wasn’t ever going to make cheating a regular thing. Whoever snitched on her should have asked her first, so she could explain. And promptly light them on fire.

Nice one! The opening of this story does a good job of putting us in Smolder's head in general, showing her as she is, showing how she thinks.

“But, you know. If I had a favorite, then...it’s not like I have weekly tea parties with the others.”

This is a nice reference to their interaction during the test in What Lies Beneath, implying that it's helped them build a relationship.

It wasn’t as impressive as Canterlot or Manehatten, of course, but it was beautiful all the same. In the midst of an ocean of pale-golden sand the town stood, strong and unyielding but somehow mysterious. Ancient. Like it was lodged in the past. Like it had proudly refused to move despite the world around it marching forward through time.

This is nice -- in a travel story like this, it helps to occasionally go travel-brochure like this and really sell the effect of the environment.

“Thanks!” Ocellus chirped, skipping towards the town. “And you’re like a cuter Scootaloo.”
Her eye twitched. “I take every nice thing I said back.”

Grin -- this is a fun bit of banter, and is nicely in character for them.

In the distance, just far enough to be hard to see, was something black and winged.

Good foreshadowing, though I'll have a question on this in a bit.

...History was practically oozing out from every crack and splinter in their stone walls.
It creeped Smolder out.
“You know where we’re going?” she asked Ocellus.
“Nope!”
“What?” she said in alarm, turning to—
To see her smug grin at her reaction, an opened map held tightly in her hoof.
Smolder snorted. “You got me.”
“I know.”
“But are you preparedtogetgotyourself?!” she said, words speeding up and building into an incoherent growl as she strafed to the side and stood her ground in front of Ocellus, throwing her arms up and baring her teeth.

This passage threw me a bit: the initial lines set me up to expect something lurching out at them from the shadows, and then it turned into a gag scene, and the intercut of dialogue and description isn't quite smooth enough to carry it. I had to re-read it a couple times before I understood what had actually happened and who had the map. This could be a good comedy scene, it just needs some polish to make it flow more smoothly.

...slithering in place as she basked in her temporary hoard of warmth.

Nice description -- this fits her character as well as her nature as a dragon.

Ocellus shook her head. “It’s fascinating! You know, some of the locals think that they’re still out there. There’s been reports of sightings. Black and orange dragons flying through the sand or standing near strange obelisks. Usually near a mirage, as well, so a lot of those reports get filed away as somepony’s crazy visions in the desert.”

This passage, and the foreshadowing before, sets the reader up to expect both black dragons and orange dragons to appear later on, rather than a black-and-orange dragon, which is probably what you intended at this point. This leaves the reader feeling like something hasn't been paid off properly when we get to the villain at the end.

“Why do I get the busiest place?”
“Comedic value.”

This is a fun, almost-fourth-wall joke.

“You can go looking for those ponies,” Red Clay said. “If they’re in the desert, and they’re lost and they need help, you can find them.”

This would be stronger if Red Clay had a relative who was missing, and was hesitant about going out looking for them himself.

“Cactus Juice right there lost his colt,” explained Sidewinder.

Cactus Juice would work better as a name if this was set in Appleloosa or Dodge, so you could play on the Western theme, but Somnambula is more like northern Africa. So perhaps something like "Bitter Apple" or "Palm Oil" might work better. And he needs to sound more like someone you'd find in a Middle-Eastern town like this. Alternatively, he might work as-is if you provide him with enough backstory so it's clear he and his son are originally from Appleloosa or the Badlands.

She saw Ocellus sigh, and she saw her began to glow...

This passage was a little confusing -- it wasn't clear if what happened to Ocellus was meant to be part of Smolder's vision (i.e. she didn't actually see Ocellus), or meant to be actual events, and it needs to be clearly one or the other, in particular because Ocellus drops out of the story for a while here, so it's not clear whether Smolder is heading toward her or has left her behind in town.

Bahamut’s skull, why did her first friendship mission have to be so weird?

In mythology (no, D&D doesn't count here!), Bahamut is a giant fish, so this doesn't quite work as a dragon curse -- better choices here might be Typhon, Tiamat, or Fafnir.

“I did not think dragons believed in ghosts,” said Cactus.
“I don’t. I believe in weird pony artifacts, magic and monsters.”

This is a nice comeback for Smolder, and a fun meta-comment on the series as a whole.

“A dragon?” one of the ponies (a stallion with a yellow coat and green mane) said. “And he brought Cactus Juice?”

In straight fiction, as opposed to humor, parentheses aren't really right. Instead, use commas, for example: "... said one of the ponies, a stallion with a yellow coat and green mane."

Her confirmation died in her throat as she caught sight of the golden book on the ground. “Was that there before?”

The appearance of the book here is a little too abrupt -- you need to call it out more clearly, so it's obvious it has appeared and they simply haven't missed it up until now.

Ocellus backed away, stammering incoherently. She was wide-eyed and terrified. She looked like how she did on her first day at school. “I don’t—I don’t know.”

Minor typo.

Without Smolder, things are peaceful.
And I like peaceful.
...
"I hate you," she hissed. "I don’t want to be your friend anymore, and I don’t ever want to see you again, you lying, evil parasite."

The story doesn't quite sell this turn of events well enough -- up to now, there really hasn't been a hint that Ocellus feels this way underneath. Suggestion: it would work better if Ocellus had appeared hesitant more than once in conversation with Smolder; so far they've pretty much been working together willingly without issue.

Another dragon was in front of her, appearing out of thin air. He was male, with one horn on one side of his head, and two on the other. His scales were Black, but with cracks of orange throughout. He looked like a volcano’s surface.

Okay, this is a black-and-orange dragon, so you should tweak the foreshadowing passage earlier.

“My name had faded, but I was a dragon, much like yourself,” he spoke. His voice sizzled quietly, like vermin rotting underneath the sun. “The ponies of the desert named me Ifrit. So that is who I am, I suppose.”

Again, "Ifrit" or "Efreet" is from Arabic mythology, and suggests a djinn, or genie, which doesn't quite work as the name of an evil dragon. What might work better here is something like "Azi", or "Zahhak", borrowing a bit from Persian mythology.

She had been laid in front of a small flight of stairs that lead up to a throne, and on that throne was a young violet unicorn stallion with a messy charcoal mane and shiny amethyst eyes. On his flanks lay a slender black stick, halfway burnt and sending a thin line of smoke into the air.

It would be better to describe his cutie-mark plainly as a cutie-mark, e.g. "On his flank was a cutie-mark of a slender black stick...". As written, it sounds like he's balancing an actual stick on his flank.

The stallion on the throne laughed. “Why would I do that? You’re obviously here because you’re a guilty little liar, or else the spell I put on Somnambula wouldn’t have taken you. You’re going to join the rest of your kind when I parade you through Somnambula with your special little sins over your heads for the rest of the good, honest townsponies to see.”

The relationship between Ifrit and Frankincense isn't spelled out plainly enough here, so it's not clear who's working for whom. It needs to be made clear that Ifrit has taken advantage of Frankincense's abilities and personal anger here -- and hence that Ifrit is dependant on him -- in order to really sell the defeat and banishment of Ifrit at the end as a victory of friendship.

Harsh neon light began to flare from behind her. She turned back and saw floating phrases forming above each of the ponies thrown to the pile.

Floating phrases/numbers is a little overused as a visual element -- suggestion: maybe have Smolder hear a voice whispering in her ear when she looks at them, like an irrepressible gossip or tattle-tale, spreading damaging rumors.

“Boo!” she yelled up at him. “You sound way too goodey-two-shoes to pull off that villain stuff.”

Suggestion: "Bah!" would be more in character for Smolder here.

“Friendship,” sang Smolder. “Friendship always wins. And I have a second chance at make it!”

Minor typo.

The colt grit his teeth and slammed his hooves into the floor. His eyes glowed with a fiery magic. Glowing tendrils came out of his horn and made contact with Cactus, who stood there, shivering as they sank into his chest.
...
“It’s the truth,” Cactus Juice said. He began to trot slowly to his son. “I’m sorry, son. I wish I was the villain you thought I was. But it’s not. I’m not. She was.”

The story should make it clear that Frankincense's power only displayed the literal truth (e.g. Lied to his son...) -- until he was compelled to dig deeper for the actual truth. Otherwise it simply sounds like he should have known it all along.

“For what it’s worth,” Ocellus started. “I shouldn’t have hid my feelings from you. I won’t do it again.”
“It’s okay,” she replied. “We’re past that.”

This is a nice ending, in particular their decision not to hurry back. As noted above, the story really should hint earlier on that there's this background issue between them to make the reveal in the middle and the ending pay off most effectively.

One final note: I really like your custom story-break graphic. It beats the heck out of the simple row of dashes I tend to use. One caution: with a complex graphic like this you need to be careful not to overdo it, e.g. some of the short scenes here cause it to come up a lot, which makes it feel repetitive since it stands out so stongly. One possible tweak is to make it shorter vertically, or less intricate, and that would make it easier to use more often. But I have no issue with the graphic itself -- it shows you were willing to put the effort into making the story stand out.

Again, I liked the story overall, so take all this commentary as suggestions for making it even better!

semillon

semillon #5 · Feb 12th, 2019 · · ·

Reply

9452923
Oh my god! First off, I'm so surprised that my fic was compelling enough to fuel an in-depth comment like this, thank you so much!

I definitely agree with the nitpicks you had –– there are a lot of things that I could have elaborated on and foreshadowed and such.

This really helped me with a lot of things that felt a little off in this story and again, this is such a helpful piece of feedback. Thank you.

9451194
No, hahaha

It's one of my favorite wine varietals

Lets Do This

Lets Do This #6 · Feb 12th, 2019 · · ·

Reply

9453327
Hey, no problem -- this struck me as exactly the kind of straight-up, true-to-the-show story we need more of around here, to tide us over until Season 9. Glad I could help!

Deergenerate

Deergenerate #7 · Feb 18th, 2019 · · ·

Reply

9453441
None of the characters introduced in season 5-8 will never appear after season 9 again. They are deleting them for Gen 5. All we will have left of them is fanfics and fan art.

Season 9 will be the beginning of the end. Dread it, don't wish for it.

Lets Do This

Lets Do This #8 · Feb 18th, 2019 · · ·

Reply

9463637
I hear ya... just remember the four words that make you sad whenever you're happy, and happy whenever you're sad:
This too shall pass...

But seriously... it's really a joy whenever a series and fandom like this comes along, one that I can so willingly and trustingly chuck myself into. I appreciate it each time it happens, and worry that it'll be the last time, that this time I'll grow up and get wise, so to speak. And I never do. If it doesn't happen to be Season 9 or G5, it'll be something else equally creative and positive, even if it takes a while to find it. There'll always be a next thing. And there's always DVD/streaming of G4 to remember the good stuff in the meantime. Hang in there and keep smiling!

semillon

semillon #9 · Feb 18th, 2019 · · ·

Reply

9463835
Can't agree more, hahaha

Scyphi

Scyphi #10 · Feb 23rd, 2019 · · ·

Reply

“It could be possible that the map takes into account how adaptable the creature is to the environment it sends them to,” continued Twilight, talking more to herself than to either of the students.

Twi, I for one think it's pretty clear by now that the map probably picks who it does to send on any particular friendship mission because the two selected have something they need to learn from the mission themselves. I mean, I can't be the only one who's noticed that trend, right? I mean, this fic seems to recognize that quite nicely...

Speaking of, this was a wonderful read. At first I thought the friendship between Ocellus and Smolder was being portrayed a little too thick, and I picked up on who ratted Smolder out almost immediately at the start of it all, but by the time they were trapped in the temple, I started to see where you were going with it. At that point, I saw why you portrayed the friendship the way you did, and the pay off was wonderful. Just the right amount of emotion, with a very rewarding conclusion.

Scyphi

Scyphi #11 · Feb 23rd, 2019 · · ·

Reply

9463637
Eh, I'm going to look forward to season 9 anyway. It may be an end, but that doesn't always have to be a bad thing. Better still, it seems clear by now that it's a planned ending, which makes me feel confident that, if nothing else, it'll be ending on as high a note as possible, and really, that's all I want in the end.

And I wouldn't be so quick to judge G5 just yet. Very scant details have been revealed about that as of yet, and what few have were mostly leaked details that weren't supposed to get out just yet and would still be early enough in the production of things that any number of things could've changed about them. Even if G5 does start over fresh from the beginning again, that doesn't necessarily mean Hasbro can't pull it off successfully again...nor does it mean G4 will be dead and gone. So long as we the fans are still around remembering it, G4's not going anywhere.

SmolderTheDragon

SmolderTheDragon #12 · Apr 17th, 2019 · 1 · ·

Reply

Wow. What a gripping story. I felt chills myself as I read about Smolder and Ocellus's flight into the endless hallway and its subsequent collapse. I also appreciated how the conflict here was not necessarily romantic – it was a compelling tale of a conflict between two friends. When season 8 aired, Smolder instantly became my favorite of the student six, and it thrills me to no end that writers are adding levels of complexity to her and the rest of the student character that the show has not yet done. As I was reading the story, I noticed that it was entirely from Smolder's perspective, and there were several moments when I was extremely curious what Ocellus's thoughts were. What was her reaction right after she left the room after their fight, and she realized Smolder did not follow her? What were her thoughts the whole time as Smolder kept claiming they were best friends? Was she guilty about anything, or does she now still feel that all of her actions up to this point have been justified (save, perhaps, not telling Smolder of her thoughts sooner)?

Sparks the griffon

Sparks the griffon #13 · Apr 22nd, 2019 · · ·

Reply

Absolutely amazing!

marzipanne

marzipanne #14 · May 22nd, 2019 · 1 · ·

Reply

this!! was!! amazing!! very well done! a really great read!

Sirlink360

Sirlink360 #15 · May 23rd, 2019 · · ·

Reply

Okay, WHAT DID I JUST READ!?!?
This story was absolutely thrilling. I don't know how you pulled it off but I was hooked to the end. The way everything came together in the end was phenomenal, and while I did want a kiss at the end, I also appreciate keeping the relationship platonic.

There were many moments that just blew my mind. I actually screamed (or whisper screamed since I'm reading this at like 1 haha). The reveal that Ocellus reported Smolder and that was her thoughts in the book REALLY caught me off guard. Lot's of near death intensity moments that made me super anxious (and that's a good thing in a story), and again, the way everything is tied up in the end doesn't feel forced whatsoever. Everything that was written here had a purpose and that really shows how much care and thought you put into this. You even proofread your work! (I didn't see a single typo).

I love how you went into the deeper relationship between Ocellus and Smolder. The idea that one doesn't exactly like the other is quite an interesting aspect to explore. Although, if I did want something, I'd say I would've loved to see how they made up after that explosive argument. If Ocellus feels bad about everything's she's done or if Smolder realizes she needs to change, just a TINY bit more would've been nice.

Overall, just a fantastic read. I'm looking forward to more if you write more cause this is just phenomenal. =)>
(Ps:I hate plot twist for the sake of plot twist. This is a perfect example of a plot twist done RIGHT!)

Kkat

Kkat #16 · Jan 31st, 2020 · 4 · ·

Reply

That was beautiful! A wonderful mixture of action, mystery and character inspection. The situation that the story slowly unveils is dire and surprisingly dark. Yet despite the gravity and seeming immensity of the problem, Smolder nails it with this:

“Friendship’s going to solve literally everything wrong with this place! Watch me, Ifrit! I’m gonna beat you without lifting a claw.”

I really liked that even after this proclamation, the depth of the lie that the conflict centers around was enough that Smolder had a moment of doubt:

Smolder’s eyes widened. Her gaze flicked back and forth between father and son. Suddenly she wasn’t so sure that Cactus could fix everything in such a short time period.

This made the situation feel so much more real than if things had just been fixed almost immediately after her boast above. Even seeing the way to fix things, there was difficulty and pain. Real truth was the way to reconciliation, but it wasn't easy.

You have a real skill with humor, character banter and description. There are several moments where I had to stop and just drink in how well you described something: the Sand Jar, the kids' first sight of Somnambula...

But the one that struck me the most was this:

Smolder woke up face-first and snuggled into her bed. As soon as her eyes opened, she closed them again, instead focusing on the sensation of the soft, warm linens bending and wrapping around her scales. She couldn’t stop herself from purring as she did so, twisting her body one way and then the other, slithering in place as she basked in her temporary hoard of warmth.

Not only was that a wonderfully dragon-y character bit for Smolder, but it made me want to go to bed myself and sink into the warmth of being covered in sheets.

Most of everything else I wanted to say I see as already been said by Let's Do This. But let me just reiterate a few particularly memorable points:

9452923.

“Thanks!” Ocellus chirped, skipping towards the town. “And you’re like a cuter Scootaloo.”
Her eye twitched. “I take every nice thing I said back.”
Grin -- this is a fun bit of banter, and is nicely in character for them.

Yes. Very much yes. Also, the below quote is probably my favorite character moment between the two in the story:

“Why do I get the busiest place?”
“Comedic value.”
She could only glare.

The initial friendship problem between Ocellus and Smolder was delightfully well done. I knew immediately who had tattled on Smolder and was just waiting for it to come to light. Ocellus horrified reaction to the book drove home how much her behavior was eating at her, but we'd seen glimpses of her feelings of guilt and shame before.

However, the severity of the friendship issue between Ocellus and Smolder that was revealed in the book seemed a bit out of nowhere. And I think the issues brought to light in the last revelation undermined the first -- they were either very different friendship problems, or the latter was the real problem which makes the tattling come off as an attempt to get rid of Smolder for a while rather than an attempt to keep her honest and get her to study.

The reconciliation between Smolder and Ocellus needed a bit more fleshing out once the temple had disappeared. The words said and the truths learned aren't ones that can simply be swept aside. Failure to deal with those injuries will just allow wounds to silently fester.

I really liked their choice to stay in Somnambula a while longer. And after that adventure, they needed the time together to heal more than just Smolder's wing. (That was a surprising level of ouch, BTW!)

semillon

semillon #17 · Jan 31st, 2020 · 3 · ·

Reply

10061575
i am
very pleased to see that i've attracted your attention

no, no, that doesn't even begin to describe it

i actually thought that i was dreaming when i saw that you had commented on this story

and what a comment it is, so genuinely thorough

This story brings about such a mixture of feelings for me, I know how many other things I could have done much better—the conflict, fleshing out the Ifrit or even making it a different villain, some of Act 2 feels really slow to me—but once I saw your comment and re-read some of the other ones on here, I can't help but feel pretty satisfied with some of the moments I managed to capture, and I really want to thank you not only for reading my story but for leaving such a long string of feedback because otherwise I might have totally forgotten that I wrote this.

It's always strange for me when I see people comment on my older stories. I have to struggle not to feel bashful and try my best to not urge the commenter to check out my new ones (because they're much better I promise) and I have to really stick by my past choices. In this case I think I'm pretty happy with them. Thank you so much for reading! Again, oh my god, Kkat? Like, Kkat? Geez. I'm kind of falling over myself here because I don't even know how to react.

KalebLovesJesusChrist

KalebLovesJesusChrist #18 · Sep 30th, 2020 · · ·

Reply

Can i do a humanish version of this story? Plz

Ice Star

Ice Star #19 · Dec 10th, 2020 · 1 · ·

Reply

I really admire your ability to do unique world-building and deliver these bite-sized epics. Your choices to really get us in the character's heads just makes it more fantastic. Honestly, with your skills, I'm surprised you aren't more followed.

Semillon, you've gotta heckin' write more. This shit's hella good.

semillon