- Member Since 10th Feb, 2019
- offline last seen Mar 17th, 2023
Dead_Mares
"We're a broken species... All we know is anger and murder. We kill, and kill, and kill, until there's nothing left but our hatred and a barren wasteland."
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Dead_Mares · 106k words · 10 1 · 254 views
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- Dead_Mares · 106k words · 10 1 · 254 views
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Finally! A MechWarrior fic!
9457979
Stompy robots and ponies, my two favorite things.
What's this...? A Mechwarrior pony fanfic? With Clan infighting??? And is that a Mad dog.... (I want to say variant A... But it might be a primary config?) That i spy with my little eye?
Hmmm~ Guess I'll give it a read when I get a chance... A story picking the infamous Vulture heavy mech as it's cover art deserves as much XD And may the gods help you if I don't hear a single ''All systems nominal!'' =P You should be very well aware how picky us mechwarrior fans are about the start up sequence XD
Battletech. My old friend of thirty years.
9458071
I'll have to fix that. For shame: I even grew up calling it a Mad Dog since I played MechWarrior 2 as a kid. The Mad Dog in the story is the c config, but I couldn't find any art of one, so that had to do.
Crap, you just made me remember that I had clanners refer to it as a Vulture
I'm going to use the MechWarrior 2 startup sequence since that's what I'm the most familiar with. B*tching Betty is great.
I haven't gotten much into the BattleTech lore until recent years when I discovered Razorfist's YT channel, so don't crucify me if something is wrong please. I'm still learning.
9458155
XD you're not the only one... I grew up knowing it as the vulture until a bunch of angry clanners took offense xD THAT was an interesting round in MWO when they felt the need to physically teach me not to get the name wrong xD
Though really? C config? :/ No LRM spam or even a PPC? Q.Q I mean sure Gauss spam is neat but...... LRMs~ xD
As an LRM spammer I humbly ask that you at least have a scene with either a primary Mad Dog or a Mad Cat unloading it's volley :3
9459020
Yeah, I'm a sucker for ballistic weapons. Don't worry though, one of the characters gets a Timber Wolf Prime in chapter 3, so you'll get your lrm boat.
9459335
Squeeeee!!! XD
Well this is an interesting story so far, always a sucker for mecha stories. I would have found it more interesting if you had design of the mechs be more equine but this will do just fine. I will be looking forward to see more of this story in the future, keep it up.
Also if you might be interested, I do a lot of art here on fim and if you want a cover art for your story you can just PM when ever you want. The link to mt DA gallery is just below and the one underneath is my mecha folder, Enjoy
DA gallery
https://www.deviantart.com/amalgamzaku
Mecha designs
https://www.deviantart.com/amalgamzaku/gallery/65314007/Pony-Mecha
9470486
Thanks a lot! Quadruped Mechs aren't very common in the BattleTech universe, but I might be able to work some in later in the story. There are only 41 Quadruped Mech designs compared to the 686 Biped Mech designs, so they're not exactly popular.
I actually kind of like the idea of one Clan (or maybe just a Cluster within a Clan) using only Quad Mechs though, so I might roll with that. It's just difficult to justify putting them in otherwise without staying relatively true to the lore.
I think I'm actually going to wait until I'm done writing to bother anyone with making a cover picture for the story. I wouldn't want the cover art someone slaved over to become unrelated to the story past the first couple of chapters.
9471684
Well, my argument that I use doe quad mech designs is that it's easier for equine to control the mech if the body movement is as close as possible to their equine anatomy especially when it comes for neural interfaces as opposed to bipeds who are a lot more alien for them. And eve if this is crossover it doesn't mean that all the mechs have to look exactly like in the games you can adapt it how ever you want it, they could all be quads one way or another and you could always make up your own designs too.
For the Characters I still have trouble relating the what pony tribe most of the character are except for the filly who is a pegasus as I recall.
For the cover art, it would be any trouble, as I enjoy designing them in my art, but I understand and won't being it up again for you.
Still, I am enjoying the read so far and I will certainly be looking forward to see will happen next.
I take it that Sundance and all the other cadets have all accepted that they part of they clan and don't seem to resent that fact or that they just know they are powerless to do any revenge on them and just accept their faith then?
9471724
That does make sense, but I just like the designs too much to alter them. Their unique designs and functions are the main reason I like BattleMechs more than other mecha. Making the Quad Mechs more common definitely makes sense in this case I guess, so I'll fit them in somewhere.
Thanks for pointing that out. I'll go back once I finish this next chapter and make it more clear. Other than Chartreuse, the main characters are all earth ponies.
There's literally nothing they could do to go against their Clan. The Clans are huge, each having multiple planets under their control, and they wouldn't be able to influence anything as freeborn ponies in a Clan which glorifies trueborn ponies.
I think I'm probably writing this with the assumption that most or all of my readers are going to have knowledge of the BattleTech lore, which is probably a mistake. Maybe I should go back through and make everything clearer for everyone. It's gonna add a lot of fluff, but it might be necessary.
9471952
I had guess as much, but I am still surprised that they don't still foster resentment against them. I could guess that they condition and training would have helped a lot on that side and the fact that they aren't in an environment where free thinking and initiative is encourage out side of their strictly regimented lives and always being threaten in being killed for defying their superiors as well. Let me know if you do any major edits in the previous chapters, I would love to see the comparisons; through personally I prefer just keep moving forward with the story and try to explain things better later in the story.
9472044
I hadn't actually considered it that much. I guess Vermilion kind of resents the Clan, but it hasn't really been talked about much. I'll include more of that once the characters get a bit older and learn to think for themselves in a couple of chapters. Them being so young kind of saved me in that situation.
I'm not going to make any big changes once I publish a chapter, just small stuff. You should be fine if you don't go back and re-read any of the chapters.
Is it wrong for me to say that image looks like it is from supreme commander 2?
Interesting chapter, they really did accept their situation at this point don't they. Well I will keep looking forward to the next chapter.
Well it was nice to see the characters point of view on their situation between just accepting, don't care, questioning their roles, to even contemplating escape if they had a change. So I take it that the main cast of the story are assemble with Vermilion and Bittersweat probably going to be a reluctant ally to them if the chance to escape actually comes, he is still a bully. I take it that the whole planet is under the Clan's control and just escaping the base won't end well for them obviously, so they would at least need a ship and a crew to pilot it, or some other ancient forgotten Equesestient devices, escape or turn traitor, or are just going to be conveniently isolated from the main force and sign up for mercenary jobs from that point on. With a number of the characters having Mech themed cutie marks I take it they would be very sot after by other factions if they secure their loyalties and is probably the only trade they would really have any skills related to that.
Now we are starting to have a little bit of world building to this word and some of the conflicts, I wonder what are the other factions around?
I wonder what is the differences between freeborn and true clan members of the clans? I take it they are generally stronger and more proficient at killing but I am not sure they have much in the way of imagination or personal initiative, do they have such a thing as civilians, how do they built, maintain or restore the clan's equipment, with out those infrastructures?
I would have though that paranoia and mistrust between the freeborns cadets with any and all denunciation of disloyalty would be rewarded or have young spies within every cadet groups, with very sever punishments if not out right executions or convenient 'accidents' happen to those cadets.
I take it the clans do a lot of foal 'recruitment' because of the constant severs attrition rates they might have, if they are even willing to to train freeborn cadets to become mech pilots in their persecution of war.
Still a fun read keep it up
9486755
The other Clans involved in the war are going to be introduced later in the story. I don't want to spoil too much, but it's probably not what you're expecting.
Trueborns are basically just stronger, smarter, and faster than freeborns, which is why they're generally considered superior. As for the infrastructure, the Clans have a caste system that builds their society, and the different castes are in charge of different things. While the Clans are very military-forward, the majority of their populations is still made up of average citizens working regular jobs, though with Clan Draconequus being the most aggressive Clan, they have the largest Warrior caste.
As for the freeborn soldiers' roles, there's a bit more to it. It was hinted at in one of the earlier chapters, but it's going to be explained more in depth later. Everything is connected, so what doesn't seem like a hint or foreshadowing, probably is.
interesting chapter, I wonder what spured Sundance to recall the details of his kid/foalnaping in the middle of a simulation? I thoug the medical ward scene was fun and the new characters presented were interesting. For the Equestria I would feel that Discord really was OOC on this one, at least with all those apparent centuries he had been around he seems to have changed a lot to actually shows clear anger and frustrations for caring about the colonies that were attacked centuries ago and to actually bowing to Celestia's judgment. What could have possibly changed so much in him to from schemer and trickster to an authority figure. Could it be that some of his iridescence might have migrated there some time in history? What were the stakes for him to still be flustered by it and why didn't he used his old tricks to sew discord in the Clan's ranks, after all that would be his calling card. It was good to see little more world building in this chapter and it is enough for me to want to know more in what could happen next. Wonder if there has been more alicorns that have appear over the centuries and what could they be doing?
Looking forward to the next chapter
Interesting chapter, happy to see that you hit all the points of worry about them being careful about any seditious statement and have them address issue why it's not a good idea in their current situation and that they would need to bide their time until the opportunity finally point itself to them if ever. It is sad that they had nearly lost one of their own I wonder why they were sent out in the cold like that?
Looking forward to the next chapter
9526756
Clan Draconequus is supposed to be unnecessarily brutal. The rest of the Clans aren't nearly as cruel as them, and I'm going to keep the canon Clans' actions and reputations as close to their lore as I can.
Hum, interesting to find out that the clan's very existence, and are really desperate apparently. I wonder if Sundance is going to confront a a true clan member and see the different in skills. I thought it was interesting to learn that the Six Clans were once based off the Elements. Too bad that the guy lost and eye.
Interesting too learn that Discord's power has been greatly diminished, wonder what happened is it just lost or is it going elsewhere?
Looking forward to see the next chapter
9530750
It wasn't the Clans that formed from the Elements, it was the six Great Houses that make up the Inner System. The Clans just formed off of one of those Great Houses. The first fic I did for this universe probably shouldn't have been in the middle of everything, so anything confusing about it is my fault. I'll have to write a prequel or two once all of the parts for this are done.
Also, he didn't lose his eye, but he came very close.
9526756
Yeah, very odd. The main goal of most Clans is to restore the Star League and they wete still military oriented that this Commander would be removed.
Why do they even have a blizzard. The have pegasi after all.
9548304
Nothing like the Star League ever existed in this universe. And yes, that commander is terrible, but the entire Clan is corrupt. Just watch and wait for the ending.
9548432
I forgot about that. Let's just say the blizzard was on them before they could react (I did mention somewhere in there that the weather tends to sneak up on them on Dike), and the strong winds made it almost impossible to fly in it. There weren't a lot of pegasi in camp, anyway.
interesting now it really seems like they are a team now, too bad the unicorn ran off on his own for some reason. Somehow it all to be written in the sky that something tragic going to happen to Tangelo in the future. Looking forward to the next chapter.
I know what you're thinking. "Two chapters in two days? Why would you write that much?" Well, to put it simply, I don't have a life, I got hit with a sudden burst of inspiration, and I had literally nothing else to do. While I wait for my new hard drive to get here so I can use Windows again (I hate Linux. Save me), the only programs I have on my computer are Firefox, MuseScore, and GIMP, so I don't exactly have a lot of options for entertainment.
I hope you guys enjoyed that little plot twist. I had originally planned to end with this chapter and an epilogue, but when inspiration hits and takes you for a ride, you'd better ride it for all it's worth.
No wonder the clan had many splits with brraking rules like that.
Nice things are really starting to get interesting, we get the addition of new adult characters that are commending the ship, we get to see how a true Clan member just simply out strip anything they freeborn can do and was only killed though blind luck. I the building of anticipation of the coming fine was good on this one with despited the freeborn captain was ready to go rogue, for some reason, and are going into battle that they had no choice but to go in despite the odds staked against them. I was curious to know why other clans would actually accept them into their meets if they already just betrailed their old clan, is there something I am missing? I would why it sounded like such an easy things to do for the commanders sense he didn't know how much of the crew would even follow them in the first place to do that even if they are all freeborn.
I only have two real gripes with the chapter, the first was that learning that they planet they are about to attack was apparently neutral if not sacred grounds for the clans. While this was interesting fact to learn about it I felt that the idea that everyone being so indignant about and were willing to question and even almost mutiny over that fact felt undercooked as I really didn't have a sense why it was so important for all clan member even to Sundance who doesn't care about the clan at all. I think this could have been better explained if there had been more of a down time while in transit to get to know the commanders more and to get a better grasp on the political landscape, might which feels that was just cut out to skip to the really juicy stuff which I don't mind. The second one I think it's might be more my fault for pushing it, but having Sundance talking to talk/wine about his past or how bad it apparently is was a little too much this time around and would have better to worry that there were suspicion of sedition in his group that they have to keep their mouth shut and hope that none of the other would squeal or snitch them out while trying to plan out in how they could escape the Clan while they reach the front and what they are hopping to offer up to change sides. This would have added tension to the situation, but I think that would be better left for later once they actually see how battle is really going to be like for them while going through the crushable of fire.
Still, it was an interesting chapter and I was happy that the anti to the situation and looking forward to see what will happen next.
9552192
Joining a different Clan isn't quite as simple as just asking. It'll be explained more in the Epilogue, but there's a long process where they'll have to prove themselves. Considering their reason for betrayal and Clan Draconequus's reputation and actions, the other Clans shouldn't be too worried about their disloyalty, but they would definitely be more wary of them than others who would want to join.
As for why they didn't leave earlier, Cotton and Hazelnut kind of touched on that, but you're right in that the chapter was rushed, so I didn't explain it very well. In addition to the Commanders' sense of duty keeping them there to protect the future freeborn cadets, a WarShip can't get too close to a solar system (anywhere from 75 million kilometers to 350 billion kilometers from the system's star, depending on its size). This means that DropShips normally have to travel for days to weeks to go from the WarShip to their destination, leaving them vulnerable for a very long time. The range of weapons on a WarShip can be many kilometers, so another Clan Draconequus WarShip could easily jump to their location and destroy all the DropShips before they ever made it close to a planet, making it a very risky plan. And obviously they wouldn't have wanted to do Jump Zero unless absolutely necessary, seeing as how many of the crew are going to die from it. I guess they could just use a pirate Jump Point instead, but that's getting way too complicated to explain for a fanfic, and I don't even want to bother trying to explain that.
And thanks for giving so much feedback. It's helpful when someone actually tells me what I can improve on, instead of just downvoting and leaving without saying anything.
9555222
You're welcome, thanks, and to be honest, I was afraid that I would come off as a nag to you with how much criticism I throw your way, I don't want to come off as a troll. I 'try' the best that I can to point out my issues in the most constructive manner that I can, but it's really easy to misconstrued what I say as pressuring you it to writing the story the way I want it and not just trying to point out issues that might need addressing in the story in later chapters.
9556579
You're not, don't worry. I know I miss a lot of things, and it's helpful to have someone point all that stuff out.
I really had wanted this to be the last chapter, but I got about halfway through the battle and realized I was already at 8k words. For real this time, the next chapter should actually be the last one (excluding the epilogue).
9567874
Awwwwwwwwww!
I think this was one of the best chapters you did yet. Cotton, Obsidian and Hazelnut were a lot of fun to read as they really did felt like part of this word. I take it they managed to reach the rank of commanding a ship because of managed to pull off risky suicidal stunts in succeeding their missions that the Trueborn wouldn't have ever dared to consider. I would love to see more of their life exploits in the Clan and wonder if they will take on a 'mentor' role for the main cast of the story, and what insane lessons they will teach them while leading them? It was lice to have more of an explanation as to why the planet was so important, or at least who it would invite almost certain death and destruction to Clan Draconequis in a decapitating strike of other Clan Khans which could pull all the other Clans to fight one another because of the even. From the sounds of it the Freeborns are used to make a sacrificial attack on the planet because they never were planned to be recovered or survive the counter attack in the first place; I take it their loyalty would always be put into question being freeborn and all, which they were right, so they though of them as expendable troup. I wonder how are the the other characters are doing at the moment? How many mechs or troups were planned to take part on the attack anyway? Keep up the good work.
I really would have loved to do a cover art of a mech designs, but I really don't care draw existing design, I much prefer doing my own original one.
How is Freebirth a slur?
9568387
I don't know, it just is. I'm not the one who came up with it.
Darn, so many dead.
Well this was a fantastic story and you have improved considerably sense you started with this story and I did like many of the twists that you added in this final potion of the story. The combat was interesting and I was happy to see every one with their own moment with Sundance losing his love and losing a lot of friends too. after Sundance's tragedy I was about to roll my eyes when carmine made her confessions Bittersweet only t stab him, it was a very delightful scene. For Mist joining the labors instead of being a mechwarrior is predictable but I wonder if he will still find a way to stay in contact with the others through is new job in mech engineering.
Hazelnut sounds like an interesting character
For the end with Discord finding out that he was having his magic siphon by the ring that Celestia gave him felt much more of a legitimate reason that we would actually turn on Celestia sense this is now actually personal, and sounded much more like his old evil sort, in disregarding all his friendships that he had. I wonder if he actually cares about the wellbeing of Equestria's ponies or will he burn them along with the clans ponies? At least I take it he will leave the government be ruled by ponies and just focus on Celestia and the Clan leader and organization? I wonder if Sundancer and his friends will become his indirect agent of chaos for discord?
The only real part that bothered me what how they managed to 'switch sides' as that part felt rather gargled and was hard to follow who is with who.
9577636
Thank you. I have been trying to plan out my writing more recently instead of just making it up as I go, and I'm definitely much happier with the later chapters. I don't have any plans to include Bistre again in the story, but I guess we'll see what happens. As for Discord, I've got a few plans for him.
Is there a paragraph or two you could quote to show me which part was hard to follow? I had noticed that a while ago during a couple of scenes, but I tried to clear them up as best as I could. I must have missed something during proofreading.
Good chapter, but I noticed you used the word Diashi rather than Dire Wolf like a true Clanner.
9580279
Thanks for catching that. It's correct now.
Where is Equestria in all of this? The last few chapters?
10185131
Equestria (or rather, what Equestria evolved into) does make an appearance in a few of the chapters, but that's not really the main focus at this point in the series.
9568387
9568617
Freebirth is a slur because clan warriors are genetically modified. Those born from iron wombs more than the rest. Especially Elementals, who are enormous super soldiers. Freebirths are born naturally and often lack augmentation and so are seen as contributing less to the clan as well as being generally inferior. Which is not helped by the fact it’s true as they’re not basically superhuman.