Ponyville's Most Wanted

by Kaffeina

Pinkamena Diane Pie v. The Country of Equestria

Somewhere around eight in the morning, Pinkie Pie wiped the dusting of flour that had covered her off her forehead, or she meant to. Instead she had just smeared it and now had a streak of flour going clear across it. The particularly positive pink pony positively paid no attention to that, it wasn't an issue since she was always in need of a cleaning after cooking. The Cakes were out front, calmly serving the few customers that came around at this time of day.

The morning was, as usual, fairly peaceful despite the fact the town was often subjected to disasters that no other could ever hope to compare to. Whether it was the time Twilight got into a fight with that pebble named Jeff who lived by the fountain, or when Discord himself had made an appearance, Ponyville was typically comparatively calm. For the most part. You really could excuse the occasional impromptu dance numbers or the fact that the fountain occasionally screamed something in frantic germane and spat out weird red bands.

Beyond that, of course, the town was normal and it just so happened that nothing was actually happening at this very particular moment and what happened next simply completely and utterly surprised the townsponies, aside from one particular pink pony. In the midst of making yet another pastry, her body started to shake, her eyes bugged out like when you squeeze an animal too hard, and her tail swung around like a fan before she slammed face first into the mixture before her.

A loud, extremely drawn out gasp followed the pony as she floated off the ground for a mere moment. She looked around the kitchen and grabbed the strainer, a large pot, and a roller. With her battle armor now equipped, she muttered something to herself. "They're coming." She waltzed out of the kitchen as three guard ponies walked into the establishment. They looked towards the armored pony, one of them whistling loudly when he saw her armor.

"Are you Pinakmena Diane Pie?" the rougher looking of the three guard ponies asked, taking a step forwards before disregarding the question, you had to ask even if they didn't answer for some reason. These types were always the absolute worst about such things. "You're under arrest, you have the right to a whoopie cushion, you have the right to a single somewhat deflated balloon, and the rights to two lawyers who will halfheartedly defend your case. Please come with us to-" he was cut off by a puff of flour the pony had thrown.

With a yell, she charged towards them, "You'll never take me alive, coppers!" She cackled for a split second before slipping on a banana peel that had been there for some inexplicable reason that not even she was completely sure of as she looked towards the ceiling. Miss Cake was the one who finally said something after a few seconds.

"You know I had to do it to 'em," the older mare commented before staring at Pinkie in anger, as many of the other ponies in the establishment did. "Please take that horrible criminal out of here and away from my children," she said as she began to tear up and the two small foals in her legs began to softly cry in fear. The guardsponies all nodded and cuffed the criminal's hooves together, dragging her out of the building.

As the horrible criminal was dragged through town, many of the ponies started cheering due to the fact that the biggest criminal in town had been arrested as well as the presence of the strong and brave guardsponies who had apprehended her. Several of the Wanted posters that had been stuck up in town were now rolled up and tossed at her with careful precision so as not to hit the guards. Her head hung low as a tomato that hadn't been thrown landed and splattered over her head, the juice dribbling down her face.

Finally, they arrived at the city hall to a crowd of pink ponies jeering and booing at her arrival. It was quite depressing to see such a scene. Ignoring the ponies that tried pushing their way towards her, a few of them holding notepads and quills in their magic, the guards shoved her into the city hall with no regard for her safety so she slipping on yet another peel and landed before her two lawyers.

"Twilight," Pinkie gasped at the lavender unicorn who wore a set of rather thick glasses, "you're here to defend me?" Pinkie was practically tearing up at the presence of an old friend who would believe what she said. "You know I didn't mean to do it! I never meant any harm," her eyes watered as she grasped the pristine suit her friend wore in her hooves.

An irritated look graced her friend's face and she brushed the small bits of dirt off with her hoof before scoffing, "That's the stance you wish to make? Innocence?" the mare snorted and looked to her colleague, "Great, imagine how difficult this is going to be now." The lavender unicorn looked back to the pink mare and rolled her eyes heavily.

Meanwhile, her colleague snorted as he checked the watch on his claw before nodding, "We're all set for whatever stance she wanted, shall we?" Twilight nodded at the draconequus and turned back to Pinkie. "Come along, it's time for your trial."

Pinkie nodded dejectedly as she trudged behind them, the large chain ball on her back leg scrapping loudly against the floor. As she entered behind them, her black and white stripped shirt already covered in a thin layer of dirt, several ponies in the stands jeered and the jury of pink ponies stared at her, one of them sniffing past her moustache. Taking a seat between her lawyers, Pinkie stared up at the Mayor, who slammed her gavel down. "Very well, we shall begin the case of one Pinkamena Diane Pie versus the Diarchy of Equestria. Prosecuting, you may begin."

"We would like to call our first witness, Fluttershy, to the stand," the yellow Pegasus in question quietly entered the room and nervously took a seat in the witness chair. The prosecutor walked forward and eyed her for a moment. "Miss Shy, would you please tell us how long you've known the defendant."

"I...um," the yellow Pegasus stuttered nervously, "five or six years?"

"And in all that time," the pony eyed her carefully before looking towards the jury, "how many times have you given Miss Pie permission to hug you?"

The yellow pegasus teared up and choked out, "N-none." The prosecuter nodded as the jury gasped rather loudly in utter shock.

"No more questions your honor," the pony said as he smirked and took a seat leaving the now sobbing pegasus at the witness stand. Several ponies in the room were glaring even more openly at Pinkie now and she slunk down in her seat. Discord stood up and stared at the mayor, Twilight nodding he began.

"I would like to direction your attention to Article C, Subsection 7, paragraph 2, sentence 3," the draconequus stated as the jury shuffled through the papers one of the guards was now placing before them The mayor was the first to say anything and the only one since you're not allowed to interrupt the judge when she speaks.

"Mister Discord, this merely says 'Got eem', what else is there?" The mayor eyed him quizzically as he gestured for Twilight to speak.

"Your honor, it is due to this that my client must be determined innocent, that is all," she answered before taking a seat and looking at Pinkie with deadpan expression on her face. After a few moments of silence, the mayor looked towards the jury. They whispered violently for a few seconds before one of the pink ponies who simply wore a bow tie stood up.

"Your honor," Pinkie Pie said, "We find the defendant guilty!"

Pinkie Pie stared in shock at the jury before she started to tear up as one of the guards grabbed the cuffs and started dragging her towards a door on the left of the mayor. "Pinkamena Diane Pie, you are found guilty and sentence to ten years of tickle fights in the depths of Tartarus where your hooves will be chained and you cannot retaliate."

"Noooooooo!" the pink mare screamed as she was shoved through the door and found herself in a dimly lit room before a stallion who wore a mask, a large feather in his hand and her legs curiously strapped to the wall. A loud piercing giggle echoed through out the depths of the prison as the pink mare was faced with her first tickle fight. When he finally finished, she lay there wheezing, her stomach now extremely cramped.

The filly beside her, with a light blue coat stared at her with lifeless eyes. "What are you in for?"

Pinkie took a few seconds before she managed to wheeze out a response, "I fought the law," she coughed, "And the law won."

The filly nodded, "Big Mood."

Comments

[DragonMaster24921]

That was frigging great!

[Greyson]

Miss Cake was the one who finally said something after a few seconds.

"You know I had to do it to 'em,

cdn.discordapp.com/attachments/531239714716516392/543935601397727243/ft1TE9PYmp6AjtvsL2zobta99VFP19KZSKBcRirnTLCYAMpP4HgJdf0dDbi8AAAAASUVORK5CYII.png

[muwun]

9449362
amazing.

[Adorkable]

Such Drama!

[IDontWatchMLP]

The absolute pinnacle of criminal intent:
Non.
Consensual.
Hugs.

tHE hORroR

[phantomlord01]

"I fought the law," she coughed, "And the law won."

I miss my baby and it feels so bad, I guess my race is run.
She's the best girl that I ever had, I fought the law and the law won
I fought the law and the law won

[Foreflight]

My god. A crime duely punished, I do believe.

[fanreader999999]

Huh.

[Kaffeina]

9450054

What

[Mother3Forever]

Wait, what the hell is Snowdrop doing in there?

[Luna Aeterna Solutae]

The fuck did I just read

[Scoutboy25]

Um, what?

[EdBoii]

Big mood indeed.