• Member Since 25th Aug, 2015
  • offline last seen 7 hours ago

Saiyan of the North Star

Saiyan of the North Star Joined 25th Aug, 2015 · Offline

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Starlight Nova
Starlight Nova #1 · Feb 10th, 2019 · · 2 · Dance of the Sunset and Flower for a Sentry ·
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Care to tell me more about Horizon in the Middle of Nowhere?

Hclegend
Hclegend #3 · Feb 10th, 2019 · · 1 · Dance of the Sunset and Flower for a Sentry ·
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Quickly glancing over this:

You could attempt to be more subtle with your transitions. (Bolding and whatnot are nice, but working said transition into your scene is even better than throwing it in.)

There is an absurd abuse of redundant usage of words. ("Sunset felt happy from those words feeling joy", for example.)

The story could use with a ton more description. As it is, it's more like a script. A ton of dialogue, not much actual action.

Is the crossover truly necessary? This seems more like a Sunset x Flash Sentry fic with Horizon of the Whatever lazily slapped in than a true crossover.*

Anyway, that's my piece. I'm not going to go into it and tear it apart because I typically don't do sequels, but your technical aspects need work and don't require context.

*I decided to come back and expand on this point. Take for example, Hypderdimension Neptunia. An absurd series based on lolis being goddesses. Now, if I casually just inserted Neptune (The main, fourth wall breaking, self-aware memelord herself) into a Fimfiction story without context, would you question my sanity?

Exactly. You don't even know what the fuck a Neptunia is, let alone the context that had her existence come about. She might even be a detriment to the narrative. Crossovers are nice, but people need to know the context to get the full narrative, and not everyone is going to go out of their way to watch an anime series just for a goddamned fanfiction.

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