• Published 10th Feb 2019
  • 365 Views, 18 Comments

Inspired by . . . - Dave Bryant

“‘[Cookie Pusher] reacts to other fan fiction’ sounds like way too much fun in general.” —FanOfMostEverything

  • ...


Author's Note:
TTwilight Sparkle Was Shot
The Mane Seven have united their powers before, and over time their friendship has become stronger than ever. But only now, as graduation looms, do they unite for revenge.
Coyote de La Mancha · 9.2k words  ·  154  9 · 1.5k views

Come quick, the text message read. No punctuation, no additional information, nothing else. I sighed and muttered, “Gods and little fishes, what have they dug up now?” In return I tapped out, Where?

The answer chilled me to the marrow.

She’ll live. Over and over I repeated it to myself. It’s hard to retain the appropriate metaphorical distance when one has come to care so deeply about the seven bright, charming teens one was sent to keep an eye on. Six of them already had left; the remaining one lay on the hospital bed before me. Only Twilight Sparkle’s family, by special dispensation including her talking dog Spike, also stood or sat in the room keeping vigil. Finally my tight lips loosened enough to ask, “Where did they go?”

“Sunset’s place, for a sleep-over, I think,” Twilight replied before anyone else could. “They were pretty upset.”

“No. You think?” I just couldn’t help myself. I’ve been told I have a terrible sense of humor.

Her laughter, weak and coughing as it was, warmed my cold bones.

“You what?” Turbulent emotions flooded through me. For once I was speechless, a rare state of affairs in a professional diplomat. On the other hand, I defy anyone to have a ready response to the news one’s charges hared off on a mission of vengeance and very nearly murdered another young woman.

On the other other hand, who that young woman was posed a huge, uncomfortably spiky problem in its own right. Finally I managed, “I searched for your counterpart, Sunset. I looked hard.

“She kept herself under the radar, Cook,” Sunset said, shame and bruises clear on her face. “She worked even harder at that. And I’ll bet you couldn’t get into the foster system’s records.”

I blew out a breath. “Not deeply enough, apparently. I did check, but when I didn’t turn up anything immediately, I figured that was enough. It looks like I was wrong.” I was upset enough to let slip a curse, one of the very few I had uttered in front of the girls. Just because some of them occasionally swore like sailors didn’t mean I had to.

“It ain’t yer fault,” Applejack assured me stoutly. “The way ya talked about investigatin’ us, you were tryin’ ta juggle plates while runnin’ across a tightrope. So somethin’ slipped through the cracks.” She shrugged, blithely ignoring the mixed metaphors. “Ain’t nobody perfect, Cook.”

“Yes, but—if I’d found her, we could’ve avoided all this mess. I could’ve done something for her.”

Rainbow Dash made an exasperated noise. “Don’t beat yourself up over it. None of us thought about it either, right?”

For a moment I rubbed my face with both hands. “Fine, set that aside. But there is that little matter of attempted homicide. Two of them, actually, though we might be able to tap-dance fast enough to make yours disappear, even in my reports.” I pointed a stiff finger at the Sunset in front of me. “Still, it’s only a matter of time, and probably not much of it, before CCPD shows up. A revolver shooting in the middle of a mall food court isn’t exactly unobtrusive. We need to get ahead of this.”

The six of them exchanged glances before turning back to me. “We’re listening,” ventured Rarity cautiously.

“All right. That offer you told me you’ll make, Sunset. You said Princess Twilight already signed off on it, right?”

Sunset nodded, and I continued, “Good. In that case, could you ask her a favor? I can’t; it would be an obvious conflict of interest. But if she’s willing, it could be a big help—maybe decisive.”

I swallowed my mouthful of rice and lemon chicken. “So all’s well that ends well?”

Sunset nodded hard. “Yeah. It took her a while to work through everything, but once she did, she jumped right on in. I gotta admit I was kinda surprised. I expected t’have to talk her through deciding whether to stay or go.”

“Whew,” I breathed. “Okay. That’s the first hurdle. You got the court date?”

“Right here.” She held up her phone, a calendar view displayed on the screen.

“And she’ll be there for it?” I pressed.

“Princess Twi said she promised to be.” Sunset looked less certain. “I just hope this all works out. There’s still a lotta room for things to go wrong.”

“Don’t worry,” I said confidently, covering my own trepidation. “Look, we all have to do this. If we don’t, she becomes a fugitive, and your life gets really complicated.” To her expression of discomfort I added, “We have a wild but true tale to tell, a ream of documentation and testimonial letters, a formal request from a friendly nation, and me to present it all. What else do we need?”

Her mouth pursed but finally relaxed in a small grin. “Don’t ever change, Cook.”

“Yes, Your Honor.” I stood, heels together, in my best three-piece suit, expensively made and expensively tailored. “I’m present in the capacity of amicus curiae, as my superiors and I have an interest in this matter and a possible resolution to propose.”

“And what interest might that be?” The judge gave me a patently skeptical look, no doubt honed by years of presiding over fractious courtrooms. The rest of the court’s occupants eyed me with varying degrees of puzzlement, annoyance, or hope.

“That requires considerable explanation—and discretion, as it touches on classified matters. I crave the indulgence of the court and a conference in chambers.”

His Honor sat back in his high button-tufted chair. “This just gets better and better.”

“With all due respect, Your Honor doesn’t know the half of it,” I told him wryly.

A seat-rocking pause of consideration culminated in a sharp nod. “Very well. But if you don’t have a very, very good reason, Mister Cookie Pusher, I’ll hold you in contempt.”

“I understand, Your Honor.” I took a deep breath. “I can assure you, however good you need it to be, it will surpass that expectation.”

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Comments ( 18 )

Oh, this is going to be amazing. And it gives me an excuse to plug another story I forgot to in addition to this one. Eagerly looking forward to more. Glad I could provide the short description.

Alright, I want to see where this megacross fic goes.

Less a mega cross and more a set of what ifs, I think.

If this is gonna be good 😈

So let me understand, a fanfic about reviewing fan fics

Not exactly reviews. More like what if the various fanfics used as prompts happened In the context of the additions to canon shown in Foreign Nationals of Unusual Performance, as well as it’s sequel and semi side story Amphorae.

I recommend those works, and reading them will give you a better idea of what Dave Bryant’s ‘verse (for lack of a better term) than I can typing on the phone

Oh, this is gonna be an awesome story!

Looking forward, with much anticipation, to each new installment!

Ah yes, yes, this is going to be a fun little governmental hiccup. LET US CROSS OVER ALL THE FICS!

If you don't already have this suggestion already, FoME's Oversaturation is pretty much the best alternate world for EQG.

-GM, master of the League of Sweetie Belles.

Shenanigans. Shenanigans EVERYWHERE. Let's do this!

I very much look forward to seeing how this progresses.

I second this. I'd love to see (among other things) Cook's reaction to "Sometime in the next few days, both our universes will collide and disintegrate to its constitute parts."

I love this story! Can’t wait to see more. :twilightsmile:

Ha! Cook's reaction to any of the worlds were Sunset becomes a "god" would be hilarious, if not hard to make fit with the other stores like this one does.

9450629 9450665
Essentially this will be a series of short pastiches based on the question “What if Cook were around for the events of this other fan story?”

9450539 9450714 9450648 9450721 9450883 9451114 9451658
I will do my best to satisfy! I imagine some will be serious and some will be silly, but likely most will make him wonder about his life choices. :trollestia:

9453315 I know you will, but you always never fail to please your readers, me included.

And that sounds good to me.

So, is this involving any story, or just the ones focusing on EQG?

I've a good one, Ranger. At one point, X-COM Sunset gets body-swapped with EQG Sunset and rips up the cafeteria thinking she's been put under some sort of enemy hallucination. She also places a call to the native X-Com, which is amazingly classified, and is certainly unknown to the local Sunset. I'd love to see Cook's perspective as all of the security alerts suddenly trigger.

Theoretically, stories on either side of the portal could be eligible, since Cook does become chargé d’affaires and later ambassador to Equestria. I avoid crossovers, though, so I’m not familiar with that particular story, other than seeing it listed on the front page.

Hmm, a pity that, 'tis an excellent story. In any case, you know you'll be receiving quite a few suggestions now? You certainly won't lack for reading material!

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