02/2024 UPDATE: UNDER EDITING
Walter "W" Waters, a young, immature gangster also known as Bedmaker, and his older partner Jack, have to take care of Rarity and Sweetie Belle, granddaughters of an older and more important gangster in the business, Abraham, from three brothers who threatened both girls due to an old debt from the past. What W and Jack don't know is that they may find other problems while staying on Canterlot.
On the other hand, gangsters all over the country have become quite interested in robbing a mysterious fort in the outskirts on Las Pegasus, but nobody knows how to turn off its magical security. Maybe the secret will be discovered in Canterlot High?
Proofreading by Time Reaper
This is the original fanfic. There is a remake with another plot and better development, writing and organization.
Rated T because of:
- Deaths
- Use of narcotics
- Profanity (a lot)
- Graphic Violence
- Sex Mentions (no Sex Scenes)
Pretty good but you need an editor for the finer details. Your grammar is decent but the way its written sounds odd.
9444469
Ok. Thank you for your opinion!
Alright, this looks promising.
Great fic so far, hope you find a good editor soon!
9462128
Thank you! I'm looking for one at the moment for editing my second chapter.
9463118
I wouldn’t mind editing for you, if you’d have me.
9463121
Ok, if you want. I've already finished it.
9463684
Shoot me a pm!
But, Walter, Jack, and Abraham aren't pony names!
9468815
It's the human world. They have pony names but they use them as their nicknames.
E.g. Bedmaker is Walter's ponified name.
Correction: "How many years old can Celestia be?"
9471604
Oops, I'll correct it. Thank you!
9471710
You welcome.
Well, this certainly is an improvement.
All the words after the letter are boldened. Otherwise, I think it's ok.
9746400
It's on purpose, because there's no character narrating the story.
Sorry for not being specific, I'll write the author's note.
A third person narration gives you more freedom to tell a story. If you want to use this, I recommend you to tell it in situations where there is no person witnessing an event but there's something happening that you need to show to the audience.
It's a story.
9776400
?
What do you mean?
If the main OCs in this story were voiced, what would they sound like?
9907815
In my opinion, W would have the voice of a young man, between 23 and 24 years old. Maybe with an american accent.
Both Jack and Abe would have raspy, old voices with a british accent, and Ron would have the same voice as them but deeper.
I can not believe I have not seen this one before. Definitely going to keep reading.
9922955
Thank you!!!!
I really don't understand what's happening, but I think it's awesome.
9939818
Lots of new characters and crazy stuff. Thank you!! 
Yeah!
No way
9952346
Yes way!
Fall.
Her. And this error is repeated in multiple times.
She shouts.
but he gets up quickly and kicks Pietro on his stomach.
Sequel?
9984658
Thank you.
I wrote this chapter so fast I made lots of mistakes.
9984665
Rereading, now I realize this:
If you first say that he's the commissioner and then the character says so, you start to make the information repetitive. You can make Percival say first that he's the commissioner and then you can add up how he got there.
Also, nice one adding a hint for the second story regarding W's pet. Well, at least it's clearer now.
10232792
I kinda liked presenting the character through the narrator at first and then through the character's dialogue only to answer Trenderhoof's question, but if you say it is repetitive, OK then. I can change it.
Yeah.