Chapter 6: Take Me Out
“Ya sure ya ain’t bored, missy?”
*Buck!*
“Why would I be bored?”
*Buck!*
“Ya’re just sittin’ there, under the trees, watchin’ me buck my orchard. Sounds mighty borin’ to me.”
“Tell me about it,” Spike yawned, then took a bite out of an apple.
“Shush, you,” Twilight rolled her eyes at the baby dragon. “You see, Applejack, I was born and raised in Canterlot.”
*Buck!*
“So?” he asked, not unkindly, as he checked the apples felled by his most recent kick.
“Well, this is the first time I’ve ever been on a farm! Aside from the whole Summer Sun Celebration thing, I mean. I’ve never seen a farmpony work in person! I’ve read books about agriculture, but they don’t compare to seeing it first-hoof!”
“Oh. Oh!” Applejack realised. “So, ya’re just here doin’ some kinda research?” he asked awkwardly.
“Not really, no. Though, what would exactly be my hypothesis if I were? ‘Is kicking your trees really the best way to go about it’?” she chuckled.
No one else laughed with her.
“Also, we’re still homeless,” Spike quipped uninterestedly, “so…” He shrugged.
“And whose fault is that, Spike?” Twilight barked at him venomously. Thank Celestia she had the foresight to at least fireproof the books. And that the guys had been kind enough to allow her to crash at their places by turns.
“Apple Bloom did it,” he replied immediately.
“Sweetie Belle did it!” a voice rang across the farm.
“WHO’S SCREAMIN’ IN THE DARN TOOTIN’ HOUSE?!” a cranky elderly voice boomed with the force of a hundred suns.
Applejack chuckled at the hell his little sister had just stirred, then, after a beat, re-railed their conversation with a casual “So, no research?”
“Yup. I mean, what would exactly be my hypothesis if I were? ‘Is kicking your trees really the best way to go about it’?” she repeated, insistence creeping in her voice.
“We heard you the first time, Twi. It’s still not funny,” Spike snarked at Twilight.
Flustered, the unicorn turned sharply to glower at the baby dragon, who grinned toothily at her and continued eating Applejack’s produce.
“Well, Ah ain’t got the faintest. To me, farmin’ is the easiest thing in the world. Ain’t no science about it,” Applejack shrugged good-naturedly.
Twilight was about to reply, when Applejack added.
“Don’t let Big Mac catch ya sayin’ that, though.”
“Why not?”
“He hates it when Ah say things like that.”
Twilight blinked.
“Why?”
“He’s a big geek, and farmin’s his whole life. Why, he’s twenty six and he ain’t ever had a fillyfriend!”
“He might like colts,” Twilight shrugged.
“Mah brother ain’t no colt-cuddler,” Applejack said a bit too forcefully.
Twilight frowned, but decided against pressing the issue. Instead, another, exquisitely devious thought came to her mind, and she grinned evilly as she put her plan into practice.
Y’know.
For science.
“And you, Applejack?”
“And Ah ain’t no colt-cuddler either!” he answered swiftly with inordinate vehemence.
“Didn’t even cross my mind,” Twilight lied smoothly, a rainbow coloured mane coming to her mind. “What I meant was, do you have a fillyfriend?”
“Oh– uh– err…” Applejack fumbled, blushing softly. “Well… No, not anymore, no.” He winced as soon as the words left his mouth.
“‘Not anymore’, huh?” Twilight teased him with the innocence of a little kid bent on manipulating everypony into world domination. The stallion gulped hard. “Ooh, who was the lucky filly?”
“Well… Err… Ya see… T-there was this girl…”
“Oh~?”
“And… Well…” He was growing redder by the word, looking more and more like his brother. Twilight was savouring every single second of his embarrassment. "I..."
*BURP!*
“A letter from Princess Celestia!” Twilight exclaimed excitedly out of instinct as a scroll materialised out of Spike’s burst of flame, before pausing. “That’s… unexpected.”
“Unexpected? Why, somethin’ the matter?”
“Not that I know of,” Twilight said as she unrolled the letter with her magic. Her brow furrowing as she read, she missed Applejack’s brief look of regret while he let out a giant breath. “Oh.”
“What is it, Twi?” Spike asked.
“My dearest and most faithful student:
My brother, Prince Artemis, has been hard at work slowly but surely readjusting to his life in Equestria during the past month. Unfortunately, he still holds close to his heart the same values and manners that he held a thousand years ago, so it’s been quite a challenge to get him to stop referring to our little ponies as ‘peasants’, or to the maids as ‘wenches’, or to the nobleponies as ‘worthless scum’.
It has been the most fun I’ve had in recent memory, and it’s all thanks to you.
But this is more than just a social call. As you might know, the triannual Grand Galloping Gala is coming around next Spring. You, my faithful student, are invited as always. However, given recent events, your presence has turned into something of a main attraction. Indeed, many nobles from all across Equestria have written to me asking about you, up to and including King Philippe of Prance and Basileus Konstantíppos IX of Hayzantium!
So I regret to inform you that, this time, your presence is not requested, but required. However, you can also bring your friends to keep you company. Indeed, it would be preferable, given as how you six have swiftly become the stuff of leg—
Oh dear. Artemis may or may not have just sent a chef to the executioner after mistaking the maple syrup in his morning waffles for poison. I’ll send the tickets as soon as this is sorted out.
With love,
Princess Celestia.
“It’s about the Grand Galloping Gala.”
Spike grimaced.
“The Grand Gallo-what now?” Applejack asked. “Ya mean that fancy schmancy dinner at Canterlot?”
“Applejack!" Twilight gasped. "The Grand Galloping Gala is far more than a ‘fancy schmancy dinner’. It is the biggest event of the Equestrian nobility and high society! It’s an opportunity to gather the rulers of all of Equestria’s constituent kingdoms in one place! A chance to foster goodwill among rulers, to coordinate joint policies, maybe even arrange political marriages! Many significant events in pony history can trace their origin to a reunion, a conversation, an arrangement or even a slight that took place in the Grand Galloping Gala! It is not just any old gala, it’s History in the making!” Twilight lectured him with a stern voice.
“Right,” said Applejack, nodding in understanding.
A beat.
“So, fancy schmancy dinner at Canterlot?”
“And a very boring one, too,” Twilight added dryly.
“Sounds about right,” Applejack nodded, “but what does any of that have to do with ya?”
“With us,” Twilight said matter-of-factly. Applejack went very stiff and gulped nervously, but fortunately for him, she didn’t notice. “They want the Bearers to attend.”
“A-all six of us?” He winced at his stutter.
“And Spike, if he wants to.”
“Hard pass,” the baby dragon said nonchalantly as he finished eating an apple. He then walked towards one of the buckets filled to the brim with recently bucked apples and began looking for a new one. Applejack narrowed his eyes at him. “I’ve got far better things to do than to attend that snoozefest.”
He suddenly pulled out a PERFECT-looking APPLE; an APPLE so utterly perfect that there were simply no words to describe ITS perfection and do IT justice. Theologians old and new had long debated the concept of ‘perfection’, from where and from whom had ponykind first learned such an abstract concept. Had it been a god? Celestia Herself? At the moment, it mattered not, for had they been blessed with the presence of this APPLE, all arguments would have been rendered moot. Only The APPLE would remain. It was so perfect, even the most zealous supporters of Princess Celestia would have been hard-pressed to continue claiming the Princess was the epitome of perfection when gazing at this miracle of sight. Literal angelical voices came from out of nowhere, as sunlight grazed the glittering surface of The APPLE.
Twilight’s eyes widened at the sight. Suddenly, every worry she had was gone. Every weight, lifted off her shoulders. Her mind was clearer than ever before in her life. The APPLE filled her soul.
“Oh, this one looks good!” Spike said in what was easily the greatest understatement in the history of the universe.
And then he immediately proceeded to messily chomp on IT.
Just like that, the trance was broken. Twilight felt all her worries, all her anxiety and concerns crashing back down on her. She knew, right then, that never would Equestria witness such perfection again. It just wasn’t meant to be. Without The APPLE to guide her way, Twilight felt lost and miserable.
“... So when are we goin’?” Applejack re-railed the conversation a bit too forcefully, glaring at Spike with outright hatred, like he had just killed his God and gorged on His intestines without any care in the world. I mean, in a way, he just did...
“Uh, well… Ehhh… the Gala should be by next spring’s time,” answered Twilight awkwardly, trying to shake away the thought of The APPLE, “so there’s plenty of time to train you to endure the high-society ponies. You should ask Elusive for...”
“Missy, Ah’m gonna stop ya right there. There’s no way in hell Ah’m doin’ that.” Applejack chuckled. “B’sides, Ah wasn’t thinkin’ too much on schmoozin’ the stuffy highborns.”
“Oh?”
“Well, ya see… Thing is, the farm is in sore need of some extra bits. Some of our better-off cousins send us a helpin’ hoof from time to time, but this harvest ain’t been the best and FOR FUCK’S SAKE SPIKE WILL YA STOP EATIN’ THE FUCKIN’ APPLES?!” The dragon stopped in his tracks, at least having the decency to look abashed. The stallion sighed, and after rubbing his head with a hoof, he continued. “And expenses are only goin’ up, what with Granny’s hip actin’ up and the need to replace a bunch of our equipment.” By his frown, he clearly was reluctant to share the farm’s difficulties to anypony else.
“Oh,” Twilight said, her ears flattening against her head. “I’m so sorry to hear that. I’m sure the Princess would be glad to help you out.”
“Mighty appreciated, missy, but it ain’t necessary,“ said Applejack, raising his hoof with a reassuring smile. “Ah only need an opportunity to make some honest work, and Ah reckon the Gala might actually be such an opportunity.”
Twilight tilted her head. “What do you have in mind?”
The Grand Galloping Gala is a momentous occasion. Hundreds and hundreds of ponies from all over Equestria would gather in the most important event in Equestrian Society. Kings, queens, dukes, princes, minor nobles, billionaires, businessponies, bourgeois ponies… in short: important, rich, wealthy ponies. Oh, and the Bearers of the Elements of Harmony, too, though they’d stuck out like a sore hoof.
And, as was a common practice in such fancy schmancy events, there would be very little food available. Fancy ponies would be starving, desperate for something, anything, that might save them from a terrible evening of foodlessness.
But look no further, fellow hungry fancy ponies, for there is a solution to their suffering: Applejack MacBrightMacintosh Apple of Ponyville!
Why, out in the gardens, he would set up a cart filled to the brim with copious amounts of delicious, homemade Apple family products! Tired of the scarce, bland, plain fancy food of the fancy cooks of the Royal Palace, the fancy ponies will be delighted to see such delicacies!
The Crown Prince of Prance, Sabre Flamboyant, would be amongst the first in the line. Once he reached the stand, Applejack would receive him with a grin.
“Howdy, partner,” he’d say, “ya see somethin’ ya like? Caramel apple? Apple pie? Homebrewed apple cider?”
Jumping on his hooves from the excitement, the Crown Prince would rear up his legs.
“Yee-haw!” the dauphin would yee-haw, before excitedly setting his hooves back in the ground. “Do Ah? Ah’m hungry as all get out! Gimme yer best, partner!”
Applejack, grinning, would give him one of his best, most delicious apple pies, knowing that it was sure to satisfy the poor pony’s hunger.
And he’d take one bit, and his eyes would light up so brightly that they would rival the moon in the sky. He would yee-haw even stronger than before, and loudly proclaim Applejack’s apple delicacies to be the best food he’d ever tasted. At such a royal recommendation, every single fancy pony in the Gala would line up at Applejack’s stand to buy his products. But that’s not all, nu-huh. Prince Sabre Flamboyant would be so delighted, that he would convince his father, King Philippe, to sign a trading contract with the Apples of Ponyville! Perhaps he might even sign it himself when he ascended to the throne!
By the end of the night, Applejack would have earned a gargantuan amount of money! Money they could use to replace the saggy old roof in the barn! Money they could use to replace Big Macintosh’s saggy old plow! Money they could use to replace Granny Smith’s saggy old hip! And not only would they still have some money left, but the trade contract with Prance would be so profitable, that they wouldn’t need to depend on the help of some of their better-off cousins ever again! They might even be the ones doing the helping instead!
“... and that’s what Ah was thinkin’,” Applejack finished confidently.
Twilight blinked.
“I don’t think you’ve fully grasped how nobleponies think,” she said, not unkindly. “Or talk, for that matter,” she added.
“Nonsense, missy. Hungry ponies are all the same, no matter whether born in a barn or a palace. And with what little food is served at these fancy schmancy events, they’ll be starvin’!” Applejack explained good-naturedly. “B’sides, what kind of pony doesn’t love apples?”
“Ponies who like pears?”
“Missy, please. No real pony likes pears. It is known.”
"It is known," echoed Spike.
“I like pears. Are… are you saying I’m not real?” she pouted in a sad, hurt tone, her eyes wide, and her ears flat against the sides of her head.
Applejack’s heart skipped a beat in horror as he realised he had just insulted the pretty filly in front of him. Oh, crap!
His brain went into overload as he tried to find the magic sentence that would fix everything, but all that he came up with just dug himself further into an early grave.
Think, Applejack, think!
‘Er.. Uh… Ah meant—’ No stutterin’, no explainin’, AJ! Ya’ gotta be confident!
‘That’s just what they want ya to think, pears are evil Ah tell ya!’ Nnope, she’ll think ya’re just a crackpot hick.
‘GET OUTTA MAH FARM!’ Well, now ya’re just bein’ rude.
Twilight giggled, taking the panicking stallion out of his daze.
“Well, real or not, this pony right here” – she said, pointing to herself – “doesn’t quite have the tickets, so don’t get too excited yet.”
“W-why not?” Applejack stuttered, still bucking himself internally for his faux pas.
“Well, Artemis miiight have sentenced a pony to death at Canterlot” – Say what now?! Applejack blinked – “while the Princess was writing her letter. She was going to send them as soon as—”
*BURP!*
“—possible. Thanks, Spike!” She unrolled the scroll as the dragon returned to laze around with his back against a tree trunk. “Let’s see here… Oh.” She frowned.
“What is it?” asked the farmpony.
Twilight showed him the letter.
“He’s dead.
Here are the tickets.
I don’t want to talk right now.
Celestia.”
“... Well, that sucks,” Applejack sighed. “Told ya guys it was mighty suspicious that the Elements would just go and change a pony completely.” B’sides, corrupted or not, he was being a total creep to Missy ‘ere, and that ain’t somethin’ Ah’ll forgive easily.
“He thought they were trying to poison him, but… perhaps you’re right,” Twilight mumbled, pursing her lips. She stored the letter in her saddlebags, and proceeded to open the adjunct envelope in Applejack’s sight.
Inside the envelope, however, were just two golden tickets. The letter accompanying them only said 'Twilight Sparkle plus date'.
“Huh,” Twilight said.
DATE?! Applejack’s eyes widened. He glanced at Twilight swiftly, trying to gauge her reaction, but she had none. He was about to say something, anything, to break the uncomfortable silence that had set in, but the unicorn beat him to it.
“Guess it’s just the two of us, then.”
Applejack felt his heart somersault, spin on its axis, turn itself upside down, explode into a gazillion pieces and collapse in on itself, all at the same time. It was a Celestia-darn miracle it didn’t tear itself into pieces or burst into flames or something, but it did come to a full stop.
“Just make sure you don’t leave me alone all night at the Grand Galloping Gala,” she winked at him.
Eeyup.
He was dead.
He had died engulfed in the dragon’s firebreath.
He had died and gone to heaven.
“Seriously though, you take the ticket, and I’ll—” Twilight continued speaking, but Applejack heard none of it, entranced by what was happening. Lightheadedness setting in, a goofy smile began to form in his lips as he had that wonderful, giddy feeling in his stomach and chest that he hadn’t felt since those sweet first days with Car—
*CRASH!*
“Did you say ‘Grand Galloping Gala’?”
“Rainbow Blitz!” Twilight screamed. “You killed Applejack!”
“Huh?” The cyan pegasus shot up, his eyes wide, noticing the stallion for the first time. He was knocked out cold. Unmoving. Unbreathing.
Blitz’s posture relaxed immediately. “Nah, he’s fine.”
“He’s not even breathing!” Twilight yelled. “How can you be so sure?!”
Spike crouched over Applejack.
“Yo, Applejack!”
Twilight glared angrily at Blitz, who held himself aloft with his wings, forehooves crossed.
“You alright?”
The orange stallion croaked weakly.
“Yeah, you’re gonna be fine.”
“See?” Blitz said, “he’s a tough old goat. He used to wrestle with Big Mac.”
Twilight scowled at him. “That’s completely different, they’re almost the same si—”
“When he was still a scrawny colt and Big Mac was already Big Mac.”
“... Oh.”
“... Wait, that came out wrong.”
“Yes. Yes, it did.” Twilight rolled her eyes. “What do you want, Blitz?”
“Well, I was practicing some awesome tricks nearby and overheard you talking about the Grand Galloping Gala with Applejack.”
“And you had to land on him?” she chastised Blitz.
“I’m still working on the whole ‘landing’ part…” he admitted begrudgingly. “Anyway, what’s up with that?”
“The Princess sent me two tickets for the Gala—”
“And you were going to go with Applejack?!” Blitz interrupted, sounding offended.
“Actually, I was going to—wait a second,” Twilight frowned. “Why do you care? I thought you hated all that stuff.”
“Well, usually, yeah, but this is the Grand Galloping Gala!” Rainbow Blitz explained. “The Wonderbolts are going to be in attendance!”
“... So?”
“‘So’? This could be my chance to meet them! My chance to impress them with my awesome moves and tricks! My big break!”
“I thought you rejected the Night King’s offer because you were still ‘not good enough’ for the professional scene.” Twilight was starting to think her frown was slowly becoming a permanent feature on her face.
“I rejected his offer because it was obviously a fake,” Blitz rolled his eyes.
“And what happened to the whole ‘Element of Loyalty’ thing?”
“Well yeah that too I guess. Aaanywaaay,” he drawled forcefully, “I’ll take whatever chances I can get. I never said I was going to perform with them now, but y’know, get to know them, make some contacts. Hell, maybe even impress them enough to get a slot in the Academy!”
“Hey, guys, Applejack’s awake!” Spike interjected. The orange stallion was rubbing his aching head and breathing heavily, but still managed to give Rainbow a nasty glare.
“Now hol’ on just one second, partner…” Applejack coughed as he picked up his fallen stetson. “There’s just two tickets, and the missy invited me, so scram!”
“And what are you going to do at the Gala, huh? Sell some apples?” Blitz raised an eyebrow in amusement.
“... Nnnnnoooo? Maybe. Shut up!” Applejack barked back.
“Guys, I was thinking—”
“Of inviting Rainbow Blitz so he can begin his sure ascent into stardom, yeah!” the colourful pegasus interrupted her.
“Ya wish!” Applejack scowled. “She’s gonna invite me!”
“Nuh-huh!”
“Yah-huh!”
“Guys—”
“Oh, you wanna go, pal? Alright, let’s settle this like stallions!” the pegasus provoked.
“Ya’re on, partner! Winner goes to the Gala with the missy!”
And with no further ado, they jumped on each other, trying to wrestle the other into submission.
Twilight stared at them, unblinking, for a whole minute.
Then she facehoofed. Hard.
Stallions. Truly, the dumbest creatures to ever walk this land.
She knew, however, that some of the fault lied in her. Perhaps she had teased Applejack a bit too much, gone too far, and now he had forgotten that all six of them were supposed to go together.
Sure, she found that she rather liked him, just not enough to actually go on a date with him, let alone a date at the freaking Gala. They had only known each other for three weeks, after all, and she wasn’t going to rush her first foray into romance.
Heck, she was only just discovering friendship as it is!
Rainbow Blitz, however, never actually allowed her to properly explain the situation, interrupting her at every turn, and in the end, his temper had gotten the best of him. At least he had his own valid reasons for wanting to attend the Gala, Twilight supposed... But if she had to pick only one, it probably wouldn’t be him.
… Okay, it definitely wouldn’t be him.
She sighed.
“Let’s go, Spike.”
“Aww, do we have to?” he whined, amused by the wrestling happening in front of him.
“I guess. Seems like we’re done here,” she grumbled, glancing at the fighting stallions. Applejack had Rainbow Blitz on a chokehold, but the pegasus was making it increasingly hard for the farmpony to keep him in his grasp. “Lunch time’s coming up. We could go to the Hay Burger; I think it survived the Incident...”
Spike jumped to his feet.
“Great! I’m starving!”
Twilight death-glared the baby dragon, her mind and soul still mourning The APPLE.
“... What?”
“Hmm, you’re in quite a pickle,” Spike mused, the two of them walking down the streets of Ponyville. While the town had, generally speaking, survived the Incident (as they’d come to refer to it), it hadn’t done so unscathed. Like, at all. Almost everypony on the streets was, in one way or another, helping with the reconstruction efforts, financed by the Royal Treasury. Still, most of them paused to wave at the pair when they passed by, even if some did glance rather sourly at Spike.
The baby dragon returned the waves. The unicorn didn’t. “If they would only listen to me, they would have realised that I intended to ask the Princess for the four missing tickets when she’s feeling better,” she said crankily. “But nooooooo, they have to go and make a big fight for it. As if I’m some kind of prize to be won! I’ll buck Rainbow Blitz in his big dumb face…”
“But not Applejack?” The dragon raised his eyebrow.
“He just got… distracted, but he knows we’re all going, that’s all.”
“‘He just got distracted’? You were flirting with him!”
“I was not!” Spike looked at her, unamused, with his arms crossed. “... Was I?” Spike raised an eyebrow. “Gah! This whole Friendship thing is so new and alien to me! I just wanted to tease him, like the Friendship Manual recommended! I didn’t mean to flirt with him!”
“Wait, you have a Friendship Manual?”
“Well, of course I do," she stated matter-of-factly. "This is, after all, an academic assignment given by the Princess herself.” Her eyes narrowed aggressively. “And I intend to pass it with honours!” she said, finishing with a hoof stomp.
“You’re really not getting this whole ‘friendship’ thing, do you,” Spike snarked.
“If I did, the Princess wouldn’t have sent me to study it, now would she?”
“... Touché.”
Twilight sighed, then frowned. “It’s weird, though.”
“What is?”
“Well, it just doesn’t add up,” she said as she pulled out the invitation from her saddlebags with her magic. “First, she says that the six of us are pretty much required to attend, but then she sends me only two tickets.”
“She might be upset, what with Artemis executing somepony,” Spike pointed out. “She probably didn’t even realise.”
“I thought so at first, but look here” – she passed the invitation to Spike so he could read it –: “‘Twilight Sparkle plus date’. It’s the same invitation she’s sent me the last three times. No changes whatsoever.” She knew it all too well; she had memorised the whole invitation the first time she got hers!
“Got lost in the mail?” Spike shrugged unhelpfully.
"What mail? The police closed down the post office until the forensic investigation is over," Twilight frowned.
"Okay, that one wasn't our fault."
Twilight couldn't help but chuckle. "I know, Spike. You only destroyed half of Ponyville, and caused millionary damages to the other half. Then said half destroyed itself on its own."
"What do they need to investigate for, though?" the baby dragon swiftly steered the conversation away from his own crimes. "The police found Crafty Crate in the basement of the post office with a butcher's knife on his hooves, a pentagram drawn with blood on the floor, the corpses of at least seven interns with their hearts ripped out, and chanting invocations to the Elder Ones in eldritch tongues," he summarised. "I mean, it's kind of obvious he's guilty."
"Well, it's more of a formality, really. Due process and all that. Besides, Celestia knows Derpy could use the vacation, the poor mare. In any case, why would the Princess send me a letter through the mail? We always use Dragon FaxTM!"
"She wants to mix things up?" Spike snarked.
Any response Twilight might have had was cut short when she collided head-on with the pink force of nature Ponyville called “Phil Pie”, who was currently dashing across town without a care in the world.
Both ponies fell to the ground with a yelp, a tangle of technicoloured legs and manes crashing into the dirt below.
And as Fate would have it for their own sadistic amusement, the Gala tickets had fell from Twilight’s magical grip straight on top of Phil’s eyes, blocking his sight.
“AAAGGGHHH! MACGUFFINS! OH DEAR GOD THEY GOT IN MY EYES! AAAAAAAHHHHHHH!” Panicked, Phil ran in circles seven full times before the tickets finally fell off. Relieved, he said, “ahhhhh, that’s better. Oh? What are these?” He picked up the tickets.
“They’re—”
“Tickets to the Grand Galloping Gala!” Phil exclaimed excitedly, interrupting Twilight. “Oh! Oh! Pick me! Pick me!”
“I… What?”
“Oh, it’s just that there are only two tickets, and you look very upset and confused and I thought it’s because you don’t know whom to give the ticket to without giving him the wrong impression because it’s the Grand Galloping Gala and there’s no way in hell anypony is going to think an invitation to such a rare and fancy event is not romantic in the slightest,” he said without once pausing for breath.
“That’s… almost exactly what is going on, but the problem is that nopony is bothering to listen to my explana—”
“I’ve got just the thing!” Phil interrupted, not bothering to listen to Twilight’s explanation. “Just take me with you, and problem solved!”
“How does that solve anything?!”
Phil scrunched up his face, thinking hard.
And long.
Very long.
“... Huh. I guess it doesn’t really solve anything, does it? Just like my therapist.” Phil eventually shrugged, before perking up again. “Still, take me with you!”
Twilight rolled her eyes.
“Alright, Phil, amuse me. What’s your reason for wanting to go?”
“‘Amuse’ you? Why, that’s exactly my reason! You see...”
Canterlot. The Grand Galloping Gala was in full swing… Or… something. It was actually as much “in full swing” as a dead, rotting corpse could be said to be “climbing the walls in excitement”.
It was absolutely Boring. Capital B and everything.
Ponies were crying out of boredom, dismaying, falling asleep. The Bearers were completely out of their elements (pun unintended… or was it?). Even Princess Celestia looked more interested in the cake than in the absolute snoozefest the Gala had turned out to be. Desolation was absolute.
But then, out of nowhere, coming down the mountainside… Music. Non-party related, copyrighted, lyrically-improvised music. And, at the front, a pink stallion, with black sunglasses, mane shaved bald except from a short stripe down the middle, a black goatee, some weird patterns of ink running down his right forehoof, a black leather vest covered in metal plates and an uncharacteristically deep and rumbling voice, was singing...
In time of need, they call for me
A party as dull is travesty
It makes my heart ache, it gives me the creep!
Stare in dismay at the sky
Bored attendees left to cry
Will they stay awake, or will they fall asleep?
Desolation, desolation,
Everypony’s having no fun
And the snoozefest’s begun
THEN THE PARTY STEED™ ARRIVED!
WITH PARTY CANNONS AND THE LIKE!
THEN THE PARTY STEED™ ARRIVED!
CRASHING IN, HE MADE YOU SMILE!
As the hours are passing by
And as Blitz wants to kill himself
No escape and no salvation!
Highborns tire Elusive out
And Applejack’s luck’s running out
Butterscotch’s fears are getting all too real!
Desperation, desperation
Everypony wants to slip away
It’s a race against time
THEN THE PARTY STEED™ ARRIVED!
WITH PARTY CANNONS AND THE LIKE!
THEN THE PARTY STEED™ ARRIVED!
CRASHING IN, HE MADE YOU SMILE!
Confetti is coming down from the sky
Nobleponies, are you ready to dance?
We will have some fun, trade yawns for a laugh
You’ll be rescued from the clutches of sleep
On this night you’re only dancing in cheer
By her throne, the Princess’s wielding a grin
An awesome guitar solo blows everyponies’ minds away, stuffy highborns squealing like angsty teenagers on a concert by a colt band. His forehooves busy with the guitar, Phil dips his sunglasses with his tail and winks in the crowd’s direction, causing King Rocinante V of Espuela to faint in excitement. Or probably die of cardiac arrest. The poor horse is so old it might be any of both, really.
We remember
In December
That’s the night the Gala was fixed
We made everypony cheer!
THEN THE PARTY STEED™ ARRIVED! (Streamers, games and songs,
Fun from above drove the boredom away)
WITH PARTY CANNONS AND THE LIKE! (Dancing, laughter and punch,
Fun from above, it’s an army of cheers)
THEN THE PARTY STEED™ ARRIVED! (Streamers, games and songs,
Fun from above drove the boredom away)
CRASHING IN, HE MADE YOU SMILE! (Dancing, laughter and punch,
Fun from above, it’s an army of cheers)
“You guys really have no idea how high society works…” Twilight realised as Phil continued singing, reprising the chorus. Her stomach sank deeper and deeper.
“Tell me about it,” Elusive huffed, startling both unicorn and dragon. “Oh, very sorry, my dears. I just happened to listen Phil’s, err, ‘song’. A most peculiar tune. Catchy, if a bit repetitive towards the end, though I can’t help but wonder how is he doing the second voices simultaneously with the first one. Or where is the music even coming from.”
“We remember! In December! When the Party Steed™ arrived!” Phil finally finished, before bowing to an imaginary audience. What little audience he had in truth only stared at him as if he was a madpony.
Which he was.
"My dear, the Gala's in May, not in December," Elusive deadpanned.
Phil simply waved his hoof. "Details, details."
Elusive rolled his eyes with a sigh. “If I may ask, what is the reason for all this commotion regarding the Grand Galloping Gala?”
Twilight and Spike shared a glance. Just how much worse it can get? they thought.
Much, much worse, as they would soon find out.
“Princess Celestia sent Twilight two tickets to the Grand Galloping Gala,” Spike began reticently.
“Yes, but—”
“Tickets to the Grand Galloping Gala?” Elusive’s eyes widened. Twilight flinched. “Twilight, that’s wonderful! Oh, I feel such envy! Why, I’ve always dreamed of attending the Grand Galloping Gala!”
“Okay, we walked right into this one…” Spike muttered. Twilight nodded wearily.
“You remember what I told you when we met, Twilight? About how fascinating I found the Royal Court?”
“Yes…?” Twilight drawled out warily.
“The Grand Galloping Gala is all that and more! Oh, can you imagine it?”
How could one even possibly begin the describe the Grand Galloping Gala? What words could receive the honour of being deemed worthy to try and paint the scene that Canterlot Palace is host to every three years?
You could go through many, many words, and none would be sufficient.
Elegance? There’s plenty of that.
Beauty? An unending supply.
Romance? Not even Heart & Hooves Day can even begin to pretend to convey such a strong, undiluted sense of love and passion as the Gala can.
Inbreeding? My dear, now that’s just rude (not entirely wrong, though).
But in the end, while all of them can ring true, they are all hollow appearances.
For the only word that can be applied to the Gala without any imprecision whatsoever is “Power”.
Kings and Queens, Princes and Princesses, Dukes and Duchesses. Merchants and Politicians. Heads of businesses and influent characters. Even those with nothing more to their name than massive sums of gold. What do they all share in common?
They are all the power-brokers of Equestria. In their hooves, they hold the future of the land. The passions of the Gala can result in the birth of Emperors and Warlords, of Mages, heroes and villains. Kingdoms have been conceived or buried at the Gala.
And in the middle of it all...
Me.
A lowborn most nobles would usually ignore, brought by my own merit rather than my ancestry.
A whispered word here, a confession given in confidence over there, and suddenly, I would become a knowledge broker, a necessary staple among the Royal Court to guarantee the stability our realm so sorely needs.
For Equestria, these days, lies in the brink of chaos.
And chaos, my dear?
Chaos is a ladder that only the brave and the cunning can climb.
A new Lord Chancellor, to help the Princess navigate these dangerous times.
For the Realm’s peace, of course.
Well… At least he knows what he’s on about, Twilight had to concede. Far more than he has any right to. Why couldn’t he just be a harmless social climber? she mentally despaired, before returning to the rather urgent matter at hoof.
“Well, yes, but—!”
“She already invited me~!” Phil piped in out of nowhere, interrupting Twilight for the umpteenth time of the day.
“Twilight!” Elusive gasped, “We all like Phil well enough, but we’re talking about the Grand Galloping Gala! You can’t possibly think to invite him!”
“I didn’t!”
“Yeah, because she invited me first!” Rainbow Blitz interjected, suddenly appearing with a flash of colours.
“No!”
“Ya wish!” Applejack shouted from afar, his running figure appearing in the distance. “She invited me!”
… Why do I even try? Twilight’s mind checked out of the building, went to the nearest spaceport, got on board the first rocket it could find and got the fuck out of there.
“Every man for themselves!” Spike shouted, running away from the incoming chaos.
He didn’t get too far, however, barely taking a few steps before crashing against a butter yellow stallion.
“Oh! Spike, you scared me,” Butterscotch yelped in reaction. “Are you okay?”
The baby dragon, instead of answering like any civilised creature would do, rashly picked himself up from the floor and darted in the opposite direction at full speed, arms waving frantically in the air and shrieking in panic like a maniac. A few ponies nearby started glancing nervously around themselves, the Incident still all too fresh in their minds for comfort. Bon Bon collapsed to the ground, her hooves clutching her head, and started cradling herself, shell-shock setting in.
“... Was it something I said?” the butter pegasus blinked, far too stunned to properly react.
“Butterscotch! Oh, thank Celestia you’re here!” Twilight wheeled on him, a window of opportunity appearing as the four other stallions bickered among themselves. “I really need a reasonable pony right now! You’re a reasonable pony, right?!”
The pegasus instinctively cowered at being given any sort of attention.
“... yes...?” he asked in the lowest voice imaginable.
“Great! I need your help, urgent!”
“Oh… Uhm… W-what for?”
“I’m in trouble,” Twilight sighed. “Big, big trouble.”
“Oh,” Butterscotch muttered, slowly regaining his poise. “What is it?”
“You see, Princess Celestia wants me to attend the Grand Galloping Gala, and she wants you guys too, but she only sent me two tickets, and now everypony is fighting over it and—”
“I-I could go with you.”
“NO SWEET CELESTIA NOT YOU TOO!”
Butterscotch flinched.
“No no no no no, you see…”
I’ve been reading the books you lend me about Nordic history – thank you so much –, and I’ve been discovering so many new and exciting things I never knew. For example, did you know that the Nordics were the first pony culture to develop runic magic? Or that they were the first to ever sail the seas, allowing them faster movement for earthbound ponies and to get to places previously only pegasi could reach?
Oh. So-sorry. I’m getting sidetracked.
Well, you see, after the dragon incident, I couldn’t help but wonder how exactly my family got hold of such a strange, wonderful armour. I asked my dad, but all he knew was that the armour has been in our family for centuries. And, while insightful, fascinating and full of information I didn’t know, none of the books have been much help... Sorry.
S-s-so, I was thinking... I was thinking that maybe... w-would you mind if I-I were to g-go with you to the G-Grand Galloping Gala? I-I would slip away as soon as possible, m-maybe ask Princess Celestia’s permission to investigate in the Royal Library. Maybe there I will find the answers I’ve been looking for.
“I-I don’t want to impose on you, of course,” Butterscotch tried to reassure her, “but I would be really grateful if you could do this for me.”
Twilight didn’t reply, her gaze staring blankly ahead, eyes unfocused.
Twilight had never truly grasped how shell shock felt.
Of course she knew what it was, what caused it, its consequences and how best to treat it. But she couldn’t ever fathom how it felt; to be trapped inside yourself, reality slipping away from beneath your hooves, senses numb and completely desensitized to your surroundings.
The truth of the fact was that to her shell shock was more of an abstract concept, a psychiatric oddity instead of a real mental condition ponies suffered.
She had once asked Shining Armor how it felt, but he, as big brothers are given to do when asked awkward things by their younger siblings, had hoof-waved her question away and quickly changed subject.
She surmised it felt something like this.
At least he’s got a valid reason, a little voice in her mind shrugged. He doesn’t want to Littlehoof his way through court, like Elusive, or is outright misinterpreting everything, like literally everypony else.
Through great difficulty, Twilight brought herself to close her eyes in an agonised grimace.
Okay, Twilight, just calm down. Breathe. In and out. In and out. You can do this. You can calm them down and make them listen to you.
Yes, you can deal with this.
Yes, you can—
“Fuck off, Butterscotch! That ticket is mine!” Blitz shouted.
“Nu-huh!” Applejack exclaimed, but his voice was swiftly drowned in the loud bickering of the group. Passerby ponies looked at them with concern.
Butterscotch flinched. “Err. Uhm. Sorry?” he cluelessly said, apprehension in his eyes.
“Oh, you’ll be sorry, alright! You’re stealing my thunder!”
“I don’t give a fuck about your lightning show, Blitz! Equestria’s golden age hinges on this!” Elusive shouted.
“DO YOU WANT ME TO SING MY SONG AGAIN?”
—nnnnot deal with this shit.
So she did the first thing that came to her mind.
She fired up her horn, and with a flash of purple light, vanished without a trace.
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I thought male Pinkie's name was Bubble Berry. Also, if this is a serious story, then why is there a comedy tag?
Again, very good job on the exchanges, characterizations and future chapter set-up in all the right places. I have to admit, I do feel bad for Twilight, not only for being temporarily homeless due to Spike and the Crusaders' shenanigans, but also not getting the chance to explain that THEY WERE ALL going to get tickets anyway. And at least Twilight actually KNOWS the Gala is a snoozefest (which is why she has avoided it in the past) and I DID like the alterations to Elusive AND Butterscotch's reasons for going to the Gala. And, on another note, yeah, I can see why Artemis would have a hard time re-adjusting to modern life. And, at least Trixie isn't gender-flipped (Twilight's got enough to worry about just with her five best friends AND Prince Artemis after her without "the Great and Powerful Presto" zig-zagging between challenging her and flirting with her).
At any rate, I will very assuredly be looking forward to more of this.
I'm guessing Discord would be thrilled to meet Elusive.
9735166
Because it can still be funny, even when there's a real plot underneath it all, as well as character growth and developments to the status quo. Because the 'throwaway jokes' are still incorporated to the overall plot, and actions, no matter how dumb or silly may seem, actually have consequences.
Except Caramel's death.
Because no one really cares.
9735284
Nope, not even her.
9735203
I never said Artemis was interested in Twilight. His genderswap has more to do with the A plot (the main plot) than the B plot (the romance). Everyone else remains their canon gender.
And Trixie doesn't have to be a dude to flirt with Twilight.
#lovewins.
This chapter was just too damn funny! From Artemis having a chef killed to the boys jumping at chance to be Twilight's date & not letting her explain the misunderstanding was hilarious! I can't wait to see how the boys try to "win" their chance with Twilight in the next chapter!
9735166
1) Phil Pie's name is explained in his wall-of-text-rant.
2) On the one hand ("hoof"?), when Slireon said that this was a "serious" fic, he meant that the idea of the five main characters chasing after Twilight, in The Unexpected Love Life of Dusk Shine, was done entirely for laughs. Here, meanwhile, as much comedy as this might have, actions do have consequences, even the throwaway jokes (for instance, when we mentioned in Chapter 5 that Derpy's supervisor was sacrificing the interns to the Elder Ones, and then in Chapter 6 it turns out he's actually being investigated for that); therefore, we're trying to explore the evolution of the characters' attitudes and relationships. If the characters aren't chasing after Twilight yet, it's because it makes no sense for them to do it so soon, when they barely even know her.
On the other... uhm, forelimb, this is still early Season 1. The A plot will get more serious as time goes on.
Or rather he starts smashing his right knee while going in circles on the scene.
Love this story also what is the apple a reference to ,is it supposed to represent the apple of eden from assasins creed?