• Published 27th Jan 2019
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Guardians of Harmony - The Penal Guard - Tropic_Turd



Cloud Clipper, a prospecting smuggler, runs out of luck and finally get's caught. He thought this was the end until he was given a chance. And that chance forever changed his destiny.

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Chapter 2 - Boot Camp Beatdown II

“Rise and shine, Scumbags!” I heard the drill instructor shout while she walked around carrying an empty trash bin which she repeatedly hit with a baton. “Get your bunks made and put your uniforms on! Police call will commence in 5 minutes. Move!”

I immediately woke up along with the rest of the recruits, glancing at the calendar as I did. It was Friday, and the first month of basic training had ended yesterday. Just two more months and we’ll all be out of this shithole.

The past month was a lot less exciting than expected for most of the faggots.

Most of our time here was spent doing PT, basic sword and spear drills, basic weapon maintenance lessons, marching drills and Fire Guard duty. If that sounded boring, we also had lectures about the guard’s history and we were forced to read government approved propaganda. Only Canopy and Cum-guzzler enjoyed those activities. Fucking patriots.

It was all mind-numbing and exhausting, but if you’re observant like me, you will notice that it has achieved its purpose. “Total Control”, as they like to call it. This is when all us trainees only do what our drill instructor told us to do.

In short, the word “why” has been surgically removed from our tiny little heads.

Overall, the entire month had been torture for us. In my case, literally.

Our senior drill instructor really took the whole “I will break you!” thing seriously.

After the first day she doubled the weights that were chained to me during jogs and PT’s.

She brought in her pet eagles during the Pegasus flight drills and have them chase me around. They were golden eagles and those talons were sharp.

Occasionally, she even had me pulled out in the middle of the night for a surprise PT, jog, or both.

To make matters worse, she ordered the mess staff to restrict all my meals to a single uncooked potato and half a pickle.

All because she wanted me to quit, because there’s no room in the guard for criminals. There was somepony who didn’t agree with her though.

Initiate Dusty ‘Cum-guzzler’ Dusks, my battle buddy, joined me in all my torture sessions to show me that she took the whole battle buddy thing seriously but mostly it’s because she wanted to spite the sergeant.

She stayed by my side during the jogs even if it risked her getting beaten by the LAW, she got up during my late night torture sessions and joined in, she insisted that she be chased by eagles as well during flight drills and she snuck me some extra food every now and then.

All this served as her constant reminder to me that I wasn’t alone and that I shouldn’t give up, so I did the same for her. Because we’re battle buddies. Every time she fucked up and get punished, I insisted that I get punished as well. And every time she was given Fire Guard duty, I volunteer to join her.

This weirded out our fellow recruits and somehow, for some odd reason, it impressed the sergeant much to my battle buddy’s disappointment.

The vile fucker once told us she hadn’t seen anyone take the battle buddy system that seriously before. We asked her if it mattered and she just waved us off and told us to get back to work instead of shouting an insult or telling us to get down and do fifty push ups for every syllable we uttered.

“Move, move, move!” The drill instructor shouted while watching us do our shit.

After finishing my bed, I went on over to my foot locker to get my trainee fatigues. It was not there.

“Scoundrel! Catch!” I heard a familiar voice shout from the other side of my bunk.

Looking up, I saw Dusty, already decked out and ready to go. I then raised up my hoof and caught the bundle she just threw me. It was my uniform.

“How-”

“Cause I’m faster than you, that’s why. Now move it, before the drill instructor decides to cook fried initiates for breakfast,” she whispered. Life in a smuggler vessel might’ve thought me how to act quick, but growing up in a military family thought Dusty how to be swift. She was faster than all the other initiates while also being among the toughest.

“Initiate Cum-guzzler, Initiate Scoundrel!” The drill instructor called from behind us just as I finished buttoning up my uniform.

We both turned around and stood at attention. “Ma’am!?”

“I want you two to clean the latrines. I want those latrines to be so shiny and white that the Holy Faust herself will come down from her eternal throne in heaven and take a piss on it,” she ordered.

“Ma’am, yes, ma’am!” we answered in unison.

“Initiate Cum-guzzler, do you believe in the Holy Faust?!”

That’s a pretty stupid question to ask since just about every Thestral was Lunarian, not a Faustinist. But I know where this is going. The drill instructor’s testing her resolve. Either that, or she’s such a devoted Faustinist that she’ll torture those who don’t believe her religion. I wouldn’t put both those things past her.

“Ma’am, no, ma’am!” Dusty answered.

The drill instructor’s eye twitched. “I don’t think I heard you correctly, initiate. Either I’m going deaf from my own outcries or I just heard you say you don’t believe in the Holy Faust?!”

“Ma’am, I said no, Ma’am!”

“Why you little piece of pagan shit! You make me sick!” She shouted, slapping dusty with her baton. My instincts almost made me jump in and defend her. But if I do that, I’ll probably get beaten twice as hard.

“Listen here you, filthy heathen! If I don’t hear you say you love the Holy Faust, I will rip your guts out and decorate my altar with it!” She said, glaring at Dusty with the rage of a thousand zealots. “Now tell me, do you love the Holy Faust!”

“Ma’am, I do not, ma’am!” she answered while a drop of blood trickled down her head.

“Initiate, are you trying to piss me off on purpose!? Do you have a fucking death wish!”

I wonder how much longer Dusty would last, but I have faith that she will. She won’t give in to the drill instructor’s demands. Because her family didn’t raise her to be a pussy, they raised her to be a warrior.

“Ma’am, no, ma’am! Ma’am, but it’s gonna take a lot more than simple threats to make me reverse my faith, ma’am!”

The answer made the drill instructor glare even harder on Dusty. “Who’s your squad leader, heathen!?”

“Ma’am, my squad leader’s, Initiate Fatherfucker, ma’am!”

“Initiate Fatherfucker, get your filthy mudpony ass over here!”

Fatherfucker stopped what she was doing and dashed on over to where we were. “Ma’am, Initiate Fatherfucker reporting as instructed, ma’am!”

“Initiate, if you don’t make Initiate Cum-guzzler tell me she loves the Holy Faust, you better begin praying that her holiness will grant you salvation from the eternal damnation that is my bad side!” she ordered, pointing her baton at the Earth Pony mare.

This is a hard one. Dusty and Fatherfucker are great friends, besties as they like to call it. There’s a really good chance that Dusty might break if their friendship is on the line.

“Initiate Cum-guzzler, tell the drill instructor that you love the Holy Faust. Now!”

“With all due respect, Initiate Fatherfucker, you can take that order and shove it up your asshole!” That’s my mare!

The drill instructor stared at Fatherfucker in disappointment. “Initiate Fatherfucker, you’re relieved of your command,” she said before turning to Dusty “Initiate Cum-guzzler, is promoted to squad leader.”

“Ma’am, yes, ma’am!”

That confirms it. The drill instructor doesn’t give a shit about Dusty’s religion, she’s just testing her persistence.

“Now get your ugly face out of here.”

Fatherfucker blinked several times in disbelief. My guess is she’s expecting punishment. “Ma’am?”

“Are you deaf, initiate! Get your filthy, mud waddling, cousin fucking, meth smoking, trash scrapping, peasant mudpony ass outa my face right now or I will strangle you with your own botched family tree!”

I gotta say, Drill Instructor Hard Knock was the most racist and hard-ass Unicorn I have ever gotten the displeasure of meeting. Never in my lifetime had I seen anypony slug that much insults on an Earth Pony in just one sentence.

“Ma’am, right away, ma’am!” Fatherfucker replied before fucking off, sighing in relief as she did.

“Initiate Dykelord!”

Initiate Sweet Bean a.k.a. Dykelord, came forward. She got that name after the drill instructor found out she was a dyke. “Ma’am, yes, ma’am?!”

The initiate was the unit’s laughing stock. Not only was she a wimp, she also sucked at just about everything. Hell, I was actually better than her in most training activities by a long shot even if I always have handicaps while doing it. As a result, almost everypony bullies her.

Except for her battle buddy, Initiate Buster. Nopony picks on her while Buster is around.

I’m not actually sure why she even enlisted, she’s clearly not Harmony Guard material. She’s not even fit to serve in the Solar Guard, the most laid-back of the three guard branches.

“Dykelord, I’m transferring you and Initiate Buster to Initiate Cum-guzzler’s squad. She’ll teach you everything there is to know about being a guard! She’ll even teach you how to shit properly! Do you understand.”

“Ma’am, yes, ma’am!”

“Initiate Cum-guzzler! Dykelord might be a Grade A dumbass unlike her battle buddy, but she has will power. And that will power’s enough! You will straighten her out! Can I count on you?”

“Ma’am, yes, ma’am!”

“Good. Cum-guzzler, report to the infirmary and get that head of yours patched up. Scoundrel, drop and give me fifty. The rest of you ladies carry on!”

Why does this asshole always have to make things difficult for me?


“Move it, Scumbags!” Our drill instructor shouted while us recruits crawled through the muddy obstacle course, the barbed wire above us restricting our movement. Her shouts did as much help to us as the heavy downpour of rain. Goddess, I fucking hate rain.

“Go, go, go!” the assistant drill instructor shouted while he twirled the LAW, his favorite baseball bat. “Sweet Celestia, you guys are slower than my stroked grandpa!”

I would’ve already finished this damn course if it weren’t for these heavy chains on my back. Luckily, my battle buddy slowed down her own progress as to not leave me behind. Plus, I got a nice clear view of her flanks from where I was. Damn, that’s one finely sculpted piece of art.

“Ah fuck!” I heard somepony shout from behind. It was Dykelord. Her uniform got snagged on the wire. I snuffled and laughed as I watched the helpless wimp wiggle frantically in an attempt to free herself. I felt bad for her, but was an amusing sight and I just couldn’t help myself.

“Holy Faust, Dykelord! You better get your ass out of there because I sure as hell won’t!” the drill instructor shouted while leaning down on her. The initiate then gave up and buried her face in the mud. “Are you giving up on me, initiate! You better start moving your dumbass before I drag your back across that wire fence, you hear me!”

Fucking idiot. At this rate the drill instructor’s gonna punish our whole squad because of this bitch’s stupidity.

“Scoundrel! Move back and help me get that dumbass out of there!” I heard Dusty shout from in front of me. “And stop staring at my ass you perv!” She shouted before kicking me lightly in my face. That wasn;t gonna leave a mark, but it sure as hell painful. I deserved it though.

“Don’t wawry, ma’am. I’ll take care av huurr!” Shouted somepony ahead of us. We both knew who that strong redneck accent belonged too. It was Steel Fist, or Buster as the Drill instructor liked to call him. He’s Sweet Bean’s battle buddy.

The Unicorn was supposed to be heading for the next station but I guess he heard his buddy’s faint whimpers. He dived on the mud and began crawling back much to the assistant’s drill instructor’s dismay.

“What the hell are you doing, initiate!” he shouted. “Get your dumb hilly billy ass out of there now before I-“

“Ser, i’m nahwt gonna leave my partnuurr behind, suurr” he interrupted while he slithered through the mud like a snake.

Buster wasn’t your ordinary hilly billy, he’s an apex hilly billy. The Unicorn stallion was born and raised in the Badlands and lived there for most of his life. A clear indication that he’s no normal pony, since only the strongest ponies survive into adulthood on that Faust forsaken wasteland. He probably learned how to fight before he could even talk.

Sure he wasn’t as buff as the Fatherfucker, but he was twice as strong. He wasn’t as skilled with the blade as Dusty, but he was faster than her. He didn’t have Canopy’s inherent magical power, but he knew all his spells like the back of his head.

He was tough, but he was also well-mannered. Despite his tough exterior, he was surprisingly sociable and kind-hearted. I’ve never seen him put up a sad face, he’s always smiling for some reason. Dykelord was lucky to have him as a battle buddy.

We continued crawling forward and left Dykelord to his care. She was his responsibility after all. I pity him.


The rest of the day passed by like a breeze since we were so used to the basic routine. Everything slowly became a lot easier for us as the month went by. Even I felt the weights I carry become lighter every time I wear them.

Now it was time for Friday night letter opening, also known as the only part of boot camp anypony enjoys. But I really didn’t enjoy it as much as my comrades because I never get letters. Instead, what I got was quite possibly the most depressing job during these events.

It was about 7 that night and we had just finished dinner when I sat at the corner of the barracks beside a white board that had four tally marks written on it. While my fellow recruits were reading letters from home, I was on a chair holding a marker.

At the corner of my eye I saw Dykelord’s smile slowly fade as she progressed through one of her letters. I gulped. Why her of all ponies.

First there was quiet sniffing, then came the audible sobs before she finally broke down crying. The other trainees began to chuckle while a few others started looking worried. We all knew where this was going.

“Cucked?” I asked, already knowing the answer.

Canopy trotted to her side and swiped the letter while the crying mare buried her face on a pillow. He skimmed through the letter, a malicious smile creeping up on his face. “Cucked!” The trainee replied.

“Jody’s got another one, boys!” The Fatherfucker shouted before the rest of the trainees broke out in laughter. The stout Earth Pony nodded at me before I added another tally mark. That makes a total of five marks on the Cheat Board.

Poor Dykelord. At this point, her marefriend’s kind words were the only things keeping her sane. Buster could’ve comforted his friend right now, but he was guarding the forts walls as punishment for the insubordination he committed earlier. The likeliness of her snapping had probably doubled, perhaps even tripled when she received that letter.

Canopy walked on over to where I was and handed me the letter. I pinned it at the bottom of the board along with the four other big reveal letters.

As I finished, I spotted Initiate Dusty at the corner of my eye carrying a small stack of letters. My battle buddy trotted towards me in a bee line. “Sup, Scoundrel-” she stopped, nearly dropping her mail when she saw the new tally mark. “Who?”

“Dykelord. Her marefriend cucked her,” I answered. “Who knew dykes could also get cheated on.”

“Oh dear. Is she…” she turned to see the cucked mare on her bunk with a thousand-yard stare. “Alright?”

“No,” I answered before laughing. I am a horrible pony. But then again, I was a criminal after all. Dusty just glared at me and my insensitivity.

Unlike these poor bastards, Dusty, Canopy, Buster and Fatherfucker could all read their letters without fear of adding another tally on the Cheat Board. They were all single for their own reasons.

Canopy was a socially awkward shut in before he enlisted. He used to get nervous when he’s near mares his age. The thought of a relationship never really crossed Dusty’s mind. She was far too preoccupied by the thought of preserving her family’s legacy. Buster is a widower. He refuses to share any more details on that and everypony in the unit respects his privacy on the matter. Fatherfucker had a coltfriend. He broke up with her for a rich mare a few weeks before she enlisted. Bringing that up to her was a quick way to get your ribs crushed.

What about me you ask? I don’t even get letters. I don’t have a family or friend outside of boot camp who isn’t in prison.

“Scoundrel! The drill instructor wants to see you!” I heard the assistant drill instructor shout from his office near the entrance of the barracks. I found out a while ago that his name was, First Base. A fitting name for a pony whose weapon of choice is a Baseball Bat. “You haven’t picked up you mail.”

Anyway, this’s probably just a misunderstanding. As I said before, I never get letters.

“Uh, Scoundrel…” Dusty said. “I think you should check it out.”

“Nah!” I answered, leaning back on my chair.

Suddenly, a very pissed assistant drill instructor burst into the barracks. “Initiate Scoundrel, get your ass up and head to the senior drill instructor’s office, now! Do I have to repeat myself? Cause if I do, I will drag your lazy ass into the-”

“Sir, I apologize, sir!” I stood up out of instinct. “Sir, I don’t have anypony outside who’ll bother to write to me, sir!”

“Well then it looks like you have a secret admirer, Scoundrel,” the assistant drill instructor replied sarcastically. “If I were you I’d get my sorry ass to the senior drill instructor’s office now before his assistant decides to give his LAWful response to your bullshit!”

“Sir, yes, sir!” I shouted in reply before marching off to the said office at the entrance of the barracks, the assistant drill instructor following me.

When I got there, I was met by the stern gaze of the drill instructor while her assistant stood guard at the doorway. She’s sitting behind her desk with her hind legs raised on it. “Well, well, well! Look who finally decided to show his fat ass!”

“Ma’am, I-”

“Drop and give me one for every second of my time you wasted! You waste of sperm!”

Without another word, I went down on the ground and began counting to sixty.

“You have a family, Scoundrel?” The drill instructor asked in a rather casual tone, for her standards at least.

“Ma’am, no, ma’am,” I answered, raising my head to look at her. She was holding an envelope and from the looks of it, she was reading the info written at its back.

“I’m not surprise. If I was your parent or sibling, I’ll abandon you as well.”

This mothefucker! I swear, the only thing stopping me from assaulting her is the fact that I’ll get thrown into prison if I did.

“Ma’am, who sent the letter, ma’am?” I asked between breaths of air.

“Some corporal from the solar guard,” she answered.

No, this has to be some kind of joke mail. She’s just a recruiter, there’s no way in hell that letter’s written by her. This has to be from somepony else.

“Ma’am, did she write her name, ma’am?” I asked.

“She didn’t write her name on the back. Just her service number, rank, unit and cutie mark,” she said before showing me the front of the envelope.

My eyes were locked on the image ingrained on the red wax seal, a sun with a smiley face peeking from behind a cloud.

It was Sky Slasher’s mark. She said it was supposed to symbolize her ever positive attitude even during the gloomiest of days. But ever since I found out she’s a snitch, I’m no longer buying that.

After I was done with my pushups, I stood up. The sergeant then handed me the letter.

“Don’t forget to write a reply. If you don’t, I’ll skin your hide, Scoundrel!”

Sarge was very insistent that anypony who received a letter is obligated to write a reply. She once had a trainee go on a sixteen-hour Fire Guard duty without break after she questioned the Sarge’s order.

“Now get the fuck out of my office!”

And get the fuck out of her office I did. It wasn’t that hard since the assistant drill instructor was shoving me out as well.

As I did, my ears picked up the most annoying sound in existence.

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

That was the sound of a very ecstatic bat pony mare. Not even the shouts of the drill instructors have gotten that close to shattering my ear drums. My ears are fucking ringing and it took a while before me and the other trainees could hear again.

“Fucking hell!” Shouted a mare from the bunk right beside ours. Unlike me, she might’ve received permanent damage since she was only a few feet away from ground zero.

Cuuuuum-guzzleeeeeeeer!” I heard the drill instructor shout from his office. I struggled not to break out in laughter. The sound of an adult pony screaming ‘Cum-guzzler’ like that is something I’d never not find funny.

Down on the ground and give me half a grand before I come there and strangle you with your own entrails you, nocturnal piece of shit!” she instructed, the door and walls of her office doing nothing to inhibit the volume of her roar.

“You heard the mare, Cum-guzzler! Five hundred pushups, now!” the assistant drill instructor repeated before heading back to his office.

“Sir, yes, sir!” The mare replied enthusiastically, jumping out of our bunk and hitting the floor. The heavy punishment failed to dampen her exultant mood.

With that out of the way, I trotted quietly towards my bunk. As I sat down, I was met by the sight of Canopy and Fatherfucker. From the looks of it, they were both eager to see what my letter was.

“Uh… guys… a little privacy please,” I requested. It’ll be a miracle if they actually give me my privacy.

“Oh come on, Scoundrel!” Fatherfucker smirked. “We want to know more about this secret… admirer of yours.”

“Yeah, Scoundrel,” Canopy joined in. “You don’t need to hide anything from us. There’s nothing wrong with having a lover.”

I groaned. It’s a fucking letter from the narc that got me caught, not some well written and heartfelt letter. “Guys, this letter is from the pony that snitched on me. She’s literally the last pony I want to hear from.”

“Aww, little Scoundrel’s a star crossed lover!” the Fatherfucker teased.

“Buzz off, Fatherfucker!” Dusty interrupted, talking between gulps of air.

Sometimes I feel like I won the battle buddy lottery with Dusty. “Thanks, Dusty! Now if you’ll-”

“If there’s somepony who’ll get a peek at that letter, it’ll be me!”

And sometimes I feel like I praise her too much.

Thinking quickly, I scanned the room for a spot where I could read my shit in peace. I’ve had enough of all this teasing. Thankfully, the overhanging fluorescent light fixture suspended on metal wires are strong enough to support my weight.

“Sayonara, land peasants!” I chuckled while flapping my large wings, the two ponies ducking in order to avoid getting hit by it. My heart skipped a beat when I saw Fatherfucker, the absolute unit, lunging towards me as I flew. I breathed a sigh of relief when her teeth missed my tail by an inch.

“Get down here!” she shouted, waving her hoof.

“Eat my shorts, Mudpony!”

Canopy stared at me in disbelief. “The fuck. Dude, that’s ra-”

“You too, Pinhead!”

I was safe up there. Fatherfucker can jump high, but she couldn’t fly. Canopy on the other hoof may have magic, but the last time he attempted to teleport he missed his mark by half a kilometer. The kid’s magic is unstable. He couldn’t even do a simple telekinesis trick without breaking something.

With all that out of the way, I finally took out the letter. From the looks of it, the thing was written using a typewriter. Which wasn’t a surprise since writing with quills is somewhat hard for non-Unicorns.

Anyway, the letter reads.



Dear Clippy.

I got fired! :) Not from the Royal Guard though. Apparently, the brass started bickering over who’s in charge of what. Again! Me and the rest of the non-Harmony Guard recruiters got caught in it and we got kicked out of the Penal Guard recruitment program. From now on the HG will be the sole recruiter, not that I care and all. Anyway, I’m being reassigned to the Ponyville Solar Guard garrison! That means we’ll probably see each other in the near future. I’m so excited to see you again and check on your progress! Did you enjoy training? Have you made new friends? Did the drill instructor dip your balls in honey and nail you on an ant farm? I have so many questions!

By the way, I’ve been reading your diary a lot lately. It’s so loooong! I haven’t even finished a quarter of it, but I have reached the part where you joined the smugglers. I don’t know about you but I think this thing might make for a good novel. But then, I found it. Your diary’s secret compartment! I found all the pictures you’re hiding! We have to talk about those when we meet again. I want to know the story behind every image. I want to get a clear timeline of your life!

That’s all for now though. I wish you the best of luck and hope you’ll continue to endure whatever life throws at you!

P.S.- I included copies of the photos in this letter.

P.P.S - The interrogator (Yes, that Thestral) is also getting reassigned to Ponyville. He also wants to check on your progress.

Your Dear Friend

Wispy

The gall of this mare. She wrote as if she didn’t fuck me over and bash my face! “Dear Friend” my ass. I’ll give her a pass though. She was the pony who got me my ‘get out of jail free card’ after all.

Now about those pictures.

As I expected, she only opened the first compartment. I hid something even more important somewhere in that diary, but the photos in the envelope were still important to me nonetheless. They were all a mirror to my past. A luxury for a pony of my stature in life.

“Watcha got there!” I almost jumped off the damn light fixture when Dusty shouted that.

After sighing in relief, I turned around and glared at her. The Thestral mare hovering beside was drenched in sweat and she looked a bit tired, but apart from that she looked perfectly fine. “The fuck’s wrong with you?”

“What? You think I can’t reach you cause your high up? I’m a Thestral remember. Bat wings bitch!”

I rolled my eyes. “Still, you shouldn’t jump on ponies like that, especially somepony whose balancing on a stick of metal and glass.”

“Ohhh! Are those pictures?” Fuck. She noticed the photos I’m holding with my wings.

I quickly shoved it back in the envelope along with the letter. “Those, are none of your business,” I explained courteously. “Now buzz off!”

“No.”

“Please?”

“Still, no.”

Stubborn bitch. The only way I could get out of this is trying to change the subject. “Why’d you scream like a mare being raped earlier?”

I saw the mare’s eyes sparkle as she beamed. Looks like my diversion tactics backfired. “I’m officially an aunt!” She squealed, that high pitched tone of hers making it more annoying than it had the right to be.

She quickly flew to our bunk and back to me in an instant carrying one of her envelopes. She then took out a photo from it and shoved it on my face.

“Isn’t she cute?!” She asked, squealing with excitement and glee.

It was a photo of a mare holding a little foal wrapped in a cloth bundle. “That your sister?”

“Sister-in-law and my newborn nephew!”

I already envied that foal. He’ll grow up surrounded by ponies that love him. I wish I had something like that when I was a kid. “He’s cute.”

“He sure is!”

Fuuuuck! Fucking fuckety fuck, fuck, fuuuuuuuuck” I heard somepony shout. The last scream took us all by surprise at just how loud it is.

Holy fucking dogshit!” Our senior drill instructor shouted in surprise from her office followed by a loud crashing sound.

“Cucked?” I asked.

“Yeah,” one trainee answered.

I shook my head, not even bothering to find out who was cucked. Then I shoved my letter in my trainee fatigues before flying to the white board, Dusty following me close behind.

While I was writing the tally mark, I felt a familiar presence behind me.

I turned around and looked up at two tall ponies.

“Salutations, sky dweller,” Fatherfucker greeted with her best rape face.

“Top of the morning to ya!” Canopy grinned.

Dusty stepped in front of them, taking out a fork shiv from her fatigues and spreading her wings to make herself look bigger. The two ponies responded by pulling out their sock clubs. I just sat there and clenched my butthole. The four of us usually get along, but sometimes things turn ugly.

“Who the fuck shouted fuck!?” The assistant drill instructor shouted, marching in angrily.

I breathed a sigh of relief as my fellow trainees hid their weapons. I’d never once in my short life thought I’d be happy to see a drill instructor walk in like that.

“Whoever did that shit’s in for a world of pain,” he said coldly, pointing the LAW at random recruits.

As usual, none of us snitched. We were a unit, not a bunch of backstabbing traitors that were corralled together.

I immediately assumed this had something to do with the senior drill instructor. “Sir, is the senior drill instructor alright, sir!?”

“if she was, I wouldn’t be here right now, Scoundrel!”

Bingo.

“You know what, fuck it! I don’t care which one of ya’ll did it!”

I guess it’s time for group punishment then. We’ve never gotten punished by this guy though so I have no idea what it’s gonna be like.

“For that shitty display of gross misbehavior, you all owe me a late night march!”

I heard somepony groan from the crowd of recruits.

“Write your fucking reply letters now! I’ll meet you all outside in ten minutes!” He ordered before marching out.

The three of us quickly forgot about what almost transpired earlier and we went to our respective bunks to write our replies. Poor Dusty, she had the most letters out of all of us. She had like fifteen of them.

I grabbed a piece of paper and a pencil from my footlocker and began scribbling my brief message to my friend.



Dear Snitch

Stop reading my diary and give it back along with my fucking jacket!

Sincerely

Sir. Suck-a-cock Mcfuckyou

Author's Note:

Military term of the week: "Jody" - The hypothetical person (often a sinister character who decided not to go to boot camp) that is doing your marefriend/coltfriend/husband/wife while you are on deployment overseas.