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Disaster has struck three little ponies. Sweetie Belle has a terrible case of hiccups and it's up to her friends to find somepony to help before their fellow Crusader finds herself with a cutiemark for hiccuping... then they'd never stop!
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Yay! Hiccups is up! Keep more cute coming uSea! ^_^
Short, simple and funny :)
Good job on keeping me on my mental toes! The twist at the end managed to surprise me, even though I was starting to have a hunch as to what was going to happen. Well played, indeed.
A nice, funny story with everyone very much in character. Why aren't there more stories like this?
Great. Simple and not too long. Congratulations.
I don't get how that worked. Great story, though.
Very cute short story. Could've used a bit more detail in a few places, but certainly not a bad fic by any means. Stories that focus on being cute and close to the show's spirit are in short supply in this fandom.
Keep up the good work.
*wild applause*
Very light, very fun, and very silly story!
And scary Dash is best Dash.
heh. Cute.
Lol great story!
Short, light hearted, episode-like.
Best kind of story there is. Thank you uSea!
You.
You did well.
Ha, this really did felt like a mini-version of the show, and it was still funny to the very end.
Great job all around with capturing the characters voices and that small moment of Scootachicken.
Please do keep up such good work upon such future ideas like this one.
The best way to get rid of hiccups is to give them to someone else.
Monty Python reference. I approve.
"...became a reptile (but soon recovered)..."
"Well she turned me into a newt!...It got better..."
To cute
Being a very fluent reader I have to say I have never EVER thought of this idea of a story, that gives a strong point at the start for originality.
replace it with more interesting words...
Also having that you made AJ's and Big Mac's AND AppleBloom's accent are practically SPOT ON that gives anOther up for me!
Only and I mean only think that baffled me is that at the beginning you used the word said being a writer I have been held accountable also for this. I derp a lot
Eg.
Instead of...
ScOotaloo said,
AppleBloom said,
Sweetie said,
Say...
Scootaloo stifled,
AppleBloom demanded,
Sweetie added in,
Y'know just gives more variety to an already amazing story, double awesomeness!
Being a very fluent reader I have to say I have never EVER thought of this idea of a story, that gives a strong point at the start for originality.
replace it with more interesting words...
64529
Also having that you made AJ's and Big Mac's AND AppleBloom's accent are practically SPOT ON that gives anOther up for me!
Only and I mean only think that baffled me is that at the beginning you used the word said being a writer I have been held accountable also for this. I derp a lot
Eg.
Instead of...
ScOotaloo said,
AppleBloom said,
Sweetie said,
Say...
Scootaloo stifled,
AppleBloom demanded,
Sweetie added in,
Y'know just gives more variety to an already amazing story, double
awesomeness!
But overall, AMAZING!!!
A fine, fine bit of reading.
Congrats on being featured in Equestria Daily!
The thought of squeaky hiccups is making my head explode from the cuteness.
I like your...mane premise?
Mind you, reading that, I now almost want to hiccup myself.
So cute!
Love it. Cute, funny, and I made the mistake of taking a bite of my sandwich when I read the punchline. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to get this lump of sourdough rye out of my trachea.
Now for the review. Although it is quite well written, I'm noticing some use of passive voice at a couple points. Specifically, "She looked over and saw Angel looking back at her, which was odd because the window was at pony-height and she didn’t remember Angel being able to fly." Just rephrase that and break it up into two sentences. It makes for less detached reading.
Also, the dialogue statements don't have a lot of variety. It's always "he said, she said." Recommend replacing the occasional one with responded, called, huffed, etc. Just minor fixes, really.
Now for some random observations. "Sweetie Belle had been turned various colours, became a reptile (but soon recovered)". I see what you did there...
So, although there are some minor issues with form, structure, et cetera, the humor, cleverness and cuteness merits a 4.5/5. Very well done.
64534
Ok I wasn't originally going to comment on this but I feel like it's my civic duty to vehemently disagree with this comment.
The nice thing about the use of the word "said" as a dialogue tag is that to a modern reader it's nearly invisible. The mind simply processes it appropriately and almost skips over it. Alternative dialogue tags draw attention to themselves and more often then not seriously disrupt the flow of a paragraph. While sparingly useful in terms of adding flavor and description to a scene, overusing said alternatives actually makes a piece look horribly amateurish. In particular, the more exotic a dialogue tag gets, the more ridiculous it looks in actual practice. For example: compare
"“Didn’t Sweetie Belle say that her sister was busy making dresses today?” said Scootaloo."
to
"“Didn’t Sweetie Belle say that her sister was busy making dresses today?” inquired Scootaloo."
Euch. It's horrid.
Anyway the phenomenon of over-avoidance of the word said is often known as "Said-bookism", and a quick googling of that phrase will give you some spectacularly awful examples and many other people ranting about it other than me.
Personally, I wouldn't be concerned as your writing was quite good and avoided this problem entirely. I just want to make sure that you avoid taking this well-meaning but very flawed criticism into account.
RD is awesome that is all
64534
64890
Said is good. I like said. Having said that, if it becomes noticeable (like it was) then I clearly used it too much.
What I should have done is used more... I'm not sure what they're called; action tags or dialogue beats or something, to identify the speaker.
This one really made me smile- it's funny, smart and incredibly sweet, and it almost feels like it could an actual episode. In particular the bits with Applejack made me laugh, especially the lines "we’re gonna cure it with apples,” and "you take that back." It's always fun to see ponies acting ever so slightly insane
For the record, I never noticed the word 'said' until it was pointed out in the comments. Maybe others wouldn't have done either if the comment hadn't been made in the first place? But in the list of all possible complaints you could make about a story, 'using the word said too much' comes pretty near the bottom. Awesome story
Wow! I could almost see this being a real episode! Everypony was so in character that as I was reading through this I could almost hear them speaking. This is a very awesome fic! yay
That was supermegafoxyawesomehot! I liked the ending :)
Hey,
Wonderful, wonderful story. Feels just like the CutieMark Crusaders, and just like a real episode starring them.
Yours,
JMH
Hah! I thought RD would give someone else the hiccups at the end of the story, but I didn't think it was Rarity xD
Hilarious little thing xD
haha Sweetie Bell got turned into a fox and began chasing Scootaloo around.....I see what you did there
I don't have much to say that hasn't already been said, but I'll say it anyways:
This was a really cute story, and I loved it.
Short, sweet, and to the point. And hilarious. And just generally all-around good. With a few tweaks and a moral, I could easily see this being an episode. So...yeah. A very enjoyable break from all the long, serious fics I've been reading lately.
SOMEBODY! ANYBODY!! TURN THIS INTO AN EP!!
I spent most of the story doing three things: Enjoying it, laughing and...
...wondering who was going to get the traditional final line of the 'get rid of the hiccups' story.
Thanks for that pleasant little diversion!
google.com/search?tbm=isch&source=mog&hl=en&gl=us&client=ms-android-verizon&q=well%20played%20sir&sa=N&biw=569&bih=239#i=5
You sir have a talent for the CMC
i1100.photobucket.com/albums/g414/nokajohn/images-3.jpg?t=1324068539
Another good fic that could work well as a real episode! Seriously, this is hilarious!
Nice and breezy, it flowed well and was genuinely funny. Reminded me of the show a lot, that way. Excellent work.
I found this sooooo funny.
Sweet story.
Just wanted to say this is still one of the very few stories I reread on occasion when I need a pick me up.
168209
Thank you very much for taking the time to comment!
Hearing that a story has helped to cheer someone up makes me very happy.
Great story you have there. It was able to bring in an extra smile of sunshine into my partly cloudy life. I loved every bit of it.
Great story. You really captured the CMC.
XD lol funny!!!
