Chapter 2
“You cannot find the right word? This is a problem, of which I've heard.”
Zecora circled around Twilight, regarding her with a critical eye. She put a hoof to the princess' mouth and gently guided it open, squinting a bit to peer down her throat.
“Whew!” Applejack smiled, and looked over at Twilight and Rarity. “See? I toldja Zecora would know what's goin' on.”
“Make talk work better now please?” Rarity said-- the first words she'd let slip from her lips since leaving Twilight's palace. Spike had stayed behind to keep at his research, leaving the three ponies to make their way down the now-familiar path to Zecora's arcane-yet-cozy hut.
“As much as I would like to help you, dear-- things will be harder than that, I fear. The problem that lays before us, is that you have been struck by a Thesaurus.”
“You sayin' somebody threw a book at them two?” Applejack said. “That's what knocked 'em silly?”
“Not a book, but a creature. One with quite a fearsome feature. This beast's favorite source of nutrition, is to feed on others' erudition.”
Applejack blinked. “Do what now?”
“It eat word!” Twilight said, both horrified and fascinated. “How do?”
“The reptile gets inside your head-- and that is how it gets fed. Once it makes a psychic link, of your thoughts, it does drink.”
“Hold up-- where'd this Thesaurus feller come from!”
“Fancy party!” Rarity blurted in terrible realization. “Big lizard at fancy party!”
“Her am right!” Twilight nodded. “Big lizard talk lots!”
“Once the psychic link is made, your words and thoughts begin to fade. If the Thesaurus feeds too long, then your power of speech will be gone.”
Twilight and Rarity whimpered in unison.
Applejack narrowed her eyes. “That ain't happenin'.” She paced back and forth, brow furrowed in thought. “Y'all know what this thing is, Zecora-- y'all know how to stop it?”
“The Thesaurus is the reason I speak in rhyme-- it protects a pony, at least sometimes. The couplets give my words a flavor, that Thesaureses do not favor.
“So we just gotta talk poetry at it?”
Zecora shook her head, sadly.
“The rhyming only keeps the beast away-- to fix our friends, we need a different way.”
“So ... lemme get this straight. We got some kinda magic brain-lizard that's slurpin' up Rarity n' Twilight's vocabulizin' like a strawberry milkshake, right?”
Zecora nodded.
“And I bet he's happier than a pig in slop right now, 'cause there ain't anypony in town who likes usin' ten-dollar words more than them two.” Applejack nodded over at Rarity and Twilight-- and then blinked as the epiphany hit her. “And that's it!”
“What it?” Twilight turned her head to the side.
“I think I've got a way to fix this.”
“Sexy pony save us brains?” Rarity blurted-- and then immediately started blushing (either from the oversharing or the butchered grammar, depending on one's perspective).
“But first, we gotta get back to Ponyville.” Applejack said, and tried to ignore the blush threatening to rise in her own cheeks.
“Why us go back town-place?” Twilight said.
“Because, Twilight, I need you to give me a dictionary, and I need Rarity to give me a makeover.”
Applejack had set hoof in the untamed wilds of the Everfree Forest many times before, and she imagined she'd brave the dark wilderness for many times to come.
She'd never forayed into the Everfree wearing an evening gown, however.
Applejack stumbled a half-step as she got one of her hind legs caught up in her skirts. Rough and rocky dirt trails were a far cry from a ballroom's dance floor, after all. Applejack had at least drawn the line at high heels-- and for once, Rarity hadn't argued.
Applejack wished she had.
Of course, assuming everything went to plan, Rarity would be back to her typical eloquence in no time. If it didn't ...
Applejack shook her head, and then took a moment to push a curl of blonde hair back into her meticulously coiffured hairdo. Apart from the lack of heels, Applejack looked every inch the Manehattan socialite. She wore a sleek, shimmery-black dress, a tasteful silver necklace, and her mane swept and twisted up into a style that added several inches to her already not-inconsiderable height. The necklace was the most important part of her outfit, pulsing faintly with magical energy, leading Applejack deeper and deeper into the forest.
While Twilight's vocabulary diminished with every word she spoke, her magical skills were as potent as ever, which had allowed her to enchant the jewelry. “Neck-shiny say where big lizard am!” Twilight had explained (or at least tried to).
As far as Twilight's magical lecturing went, it was downright straightforward. Applejack had been kind enough not to mention this at the time.
And so, guided by the magicked necklace, Applejack went further and further into the Everfree. As she expected, she didn't have to go far to find the Thesaurus-- after gorging itself on Rarity and Twilight's respective lexicons, the draconian creature had settled down to nap in a secluded meadow.
Applejack stared at the slumbering creature for a long moment; for something that had caused so much trouble, it looked frankly ridiculous. If Applejack didn't know any better, she would've mistaken the Thesaurus for a particularly skinny dragon. Bigger than a pony, yet shorter than Discord, the serpentine creature lay curled up in a ball, snoring a content snore.
Unlike most dragons she'd met, however, the Thesaurus wore clothing: a tweed jacket, a mortarboard hat (complete with tassel), and a set of pince-nez spectacles perched at the end of its snout. Its scales were a of a yellowed white, the color of aged paper. No wonder Twilight had talked to it.
“Welp.” Applejack murmured to herself, “Here goes nothin'.”
And she stepped on the Thesaurus' tail.
Immediately, the reptile reared up, sputtering and flailing. “Assault! Battery! What kind of ruffian dares assail me while I take my sylvan reprieve!?” It's-- no, his voice was deep and refined-- at least, as deep and refined as one could be after being rudely awoken.
Applejack neatly stepped backwards, avoiding the Thesaurus' whipping tail, and affected an expression of shocked ignorance. “Oh, bother.” She said.
This, Applejack knew, would be the hard part. For as much as she'd love to simply knock the stuffing out of the Thesaurus for what he had done, she knew that wouldn't help her friends get their voices back. Instead, she dredged up every memory she could of her time staying with the Orange family in Manehattan, as well as every conversation she'd had with Rarity (not to mention the arguments, though the lines there tended to blur more often than not), in order to put on the poshest, most refined accent she possibly could.
“My apologies, good sir.” Applejack said, even as the words felt strange and alien in her mouth. “It was my fault entirely-- I was merely admiring the pastoral tableau, when I happened to tread upon your appendage.”
The Thesaurus clutched the end of his tail and peered at Applejack, curious-- and intrigued. “Ah. My apologies, miss. I wouldn't have raised such a hue and cry if I'd known it was an ingenue such as yourself disturbing my momentary dormancy. Though I suppose one can forgive my consternation, as one would hardly expect such a thing in the middle of untrammeled wilderness.”
“Oh, you must forgive me, dear sir. As I ... may have endeavored to seek you out specifically.”
“Specifically, you say? Whatever for?”
Applejack smiled her most vapid smile, and launched into a speech she'd been practicing in her head for the last few hours. She spoke slowly, carefully, over-enunciating each syllable, tortuously twisting her tongue in ways antithetical to her normal habits of speech.
“I fear I was unable to attend a soiree at the Princess' castle last night-- prior obligations, you understand –but no sooner had the party ended, that Princess Twilight herself sent me a missive-- she's quite the advocate of epistolary correspondence, you know-- informing me that she had met quite the scintillating conversationalist.” Applejack paused for breath, and tried to remember the rest of the words she'd picked out of Twilight's dictionary, based on length. “Once I read what Twilight had to say, I knew I just had to meet such a fascinating being for myself. It's so very rare to meet someone with such a level of refinement in a backwater such as Ponyville, after all.”
The Thesaurus blinked, smiled, and with the briefest flicker of a forked tongue, wet his lips. “You are correct in that assertation, yes. It is rare-- especially given the fact that I myself am a rare, singular creature-- quite far from my normal habitat, I might add. But, I long ago came to the conclusion that my life was to be one of transient meanderings, so I might best share my particular gift of erudition with the world. But, lest I prattle on for too long, let's talk about you, my lovely little poppet.”
The Thesaurus uncoiled itself, looming over Applejack. She grit her teeth through her vapid smile, doing her best to ignore the way her skin crawled under the Thesaurus' hungry gaze.
“Oh, me?” Applejack said, “I'm nopony of particular interest, I'm afraid. Just another young socialite without the proper outlets to ... socialize.” Applejack cleared her throat. “But, if nothing else, I suppose Ponyville's relative obscurity is something of an upside-- gives one plenty of time to read, you know. Princess Twilight has made it a point to stock her library in a most comprehensive manner. Does wonders for one's vocabulary, if nothing else.”
“Ah.” The Thesaurus shuddered, in barely-contained-pleasure. “Elucidate. Please.”
“Well, Princess Twilight is quite proud of her reading, especially in the realm of certain rare and esoteric texts. Why, one can barely associate with her for any period of time before one begins to pick up a veritable cornucopia of new words--” As Applejack spoke, she felt the Thesaurus' presence grow heavier, as if his shadow somehow had weight. If she didn't know what to look for, she would've just put it off as a passing feeling of unease, but Zecora's tales of how the Thesaurus fed told her just what she needed to look for. She prattled on, and with each multi-syllabic word, the Thesaurus edged closer. Applejack felt as if a long, slimy tongue had curled itself around her brain, constricting it, forcing her to keep talking, squeezing the very words out of her--
Finally.
“--but sometimes I ain't got the faintest idear of what she's talkin' bout.” Applejack let her aristocratic affectations fall away, and she instantly felt much, much lighter.
The Thesaurus blinked. “Beg pardon?”
“I said, sometimes I ain't got the faintest idear of what Twilight's talkin' 'bout. When it comes to fancified speechifyin', that gal likes givin' out big words like they're gonna spoil by the end of the week.”
The Thesaurus blanched. “What ... what are you doing?”
“What am I doin'? I'm conversatin', that's what. That's what you wanted, wasn't it?”
The Thesaurus clutched at its belly, and let out a gassy, uncomfortable belch. “Stop it! Stop this preposterous dialect!”
“Why should I? This is how I like to talk. Nice and straightforward-- none of this highfalutin' nonsense.” Applejack grinned, and took a step forward. “I mean, sure, some folks just got to be fancy, sometimes-- Twilight's got her magic, Rarity's got her fashion, and I reckon there's plenty of ... special words that ya gotta use then. But you? Way I figure, y'all just like to talk fancy to make yourself feel important, don'tcha?”
The Thesaurus backpedaled, hissing and glaring. “You shall cease this chicanery this instant, or else the consequences shall be dire!”
“Uh huh.” Applejack said with a wry smirk. “You're bluffin', and you know it. 'cause right now, you're lookin' sicker than a sailor's dog on shore leave. Just the way I figured you would.”
“Explain yourself!”
“Oh, ain't much explainin' to be done. Way I figure, it's just like mixin' cheap whiskey n' fine champagne-- either one's fine on its own, but if you try drinkin' 'em together, that's a one-way ticket to sickville. I mean, you are what you eat, right? So with you tryin' to eat my brain or whatever, I figured I'd just give ya more down-home cookin' than you could handle. A lot more.”
“I ain't—” The Thesaurus' eyes went wide in horror, and it clapped its claws to its muzzle. “I ... I'm not--”
“Well, shoot!” Applejack yokeled. “Lookit you! At this rate, y'all gonna be talkin' like a good ol' pony in no time at all! Yes sirree. Y'all ever been to a hoedown? I bet you'll fit right in. Might have to get you a different hat, though.”
The Thesaurus staggered backwards as if he had been struck, then braced one claw against a tree. He opened his mouth to reply, but only a sick, retching sound came out.
“'Course, it don't have to be this way. All you gotta do is give my friends their words back, and promise to never set foot in Equestria again, and I won't have to keep crammin' country wisdom down your ... aw shoot, what's the word?” Applejack said, surprising herself.
“Gullet?” The Thesaurus said, weakly.
“That's it!” Applejack said, albeit with forced confidence. “Shoot, y'all's scarfin' down my words already, ain't ya? You're like ... like a ... “
“Like Granny Smith at the early-bird buffet?” The Thesaurus gave a queasy groan.
“Exactly!”
“Fine! Whatever you want! Anything to make it stop!” The Thesaurus reeled again, and Applejack felt the slimy, hungry tendril wrapped around her brain slither away. The tweed-clad reptile then bent over double, opened its fanged mouth, and puked on the forest floor. The Thesaurus' sides heaved and heaved as it vomited up a steady stream of nouns, verbs, adjectives, and entirely too many adverbs.
Applejack blinked at the surreal display-- she almost felt sorry for the Thesaurus as it choked out polysyllabic words (including, ironically, the word polysyllabic itself). The words splattered onto the grass, lingering there like the world's grossest learning aid before they dissolved away, leaving little but foul-smelling puddles in their wake.
Some time later, the stream of words ended with a splatter of conjugations. The Thesaurus dry heaved a few times, then finally looked up at Applejack with bleary, defeated eyes.
“That all of it?”
The Thesaurus nodded, shoulders slumping in nauseous defeat.
“Alright then, git.” Applejack said. “But remember, iffin' you're lyin', or iffin my friends ain't back to normal next time I see 'em, I'm comin' for you. And next time, I'm bringin' my friend Pinkie.”
And that was that.
By the time Applejack got back to Ponyville, it was getting dark. She still wore her fancy gown, though the forest itself did quite a number on it with various pointy twigs and spatters of mud. Zecora, Twilight, and Rarity waited for Applejack on the edge of the forest.
As soon as Applejack emerged from the treeline, Twilight spoke. “Did it work? Wait-- I can speak properly again! I think it worked!” She laughed, triumphantly.
“Applejack!” Rarity cried out a moment later, flinging herself onto the surprised cowpony. “You beautiful, marvelous, courageous pony! You're a hero! A champion! A veritable legend amongst ponies!” She savored the words as she spoke them, and pulled Applejack into a more-than-friendly hug.
“I am sure the conflict was heated, but I assume the beast's defeated?” Zecora said.
Applejack looked over Rarity's shoulder and nodded to the zebra.
“Darling?” Rarity paused. “You're not saying anything-- unless –no! No! That foul creature hasn't stolen your voice now, has it? Oh, I knew we shouldn't have let you go out all alone! Oh, Applejack, whatever have you--”
“I'm fine, Rarity.” Applejack said with a rueful grin. “And trust me, that Thesaurus feller ain't gonna show his scaly face 'round here anytime soon.”
“But however did you do it? You must tell us-- you must!”
“And I will. Eventually. But right now, I think I've done more than enough talkin' for one day already.”
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Well, now I want to see how Pinkie would deal with the creature...
9416858
Annoying low-brow pop song earworms, or if that failed, puns.
Awww, you missed the chance to have Twilight and Rarity having to eat the half digested word barf to regain their speeches. Just imagining their disgusted faces
... 
Especially Rarity. Would have needed to be forcefed with a spoon to do it!
Neat little story that could have easily featured as an episode on the show.
You’re serious. Oh wow.
Oh shit.
Huh. Didn’t expect that.
Effectively.
Oh this will be fun.
Winning.
Almost.
Oh god.
9416858
Ditto. XD
9416858
Well, if words could give you diabetes, Pinkie is a one-way ticket to losing limbs. Also she’d just roll with the lack of words and enjoy not knowing the correct things to say. There’d be too much for her to say and that beast would be thoroughly stuffed in less than *clears throat* ten seconds flat.
A magnificent resolution, and a fine entry into the Equestrian bestiary. Rather bizarre mental image of the Thesaurus in defeat,
but I doubt even Agent Sweetie Drops could've handled it better.The previous sentence has been redacted by an organization of no particular notability. Please do not read it. Thank you.
In any case, thanks for a quick, fun adventure.
Aww, it's over already? I was kinda hoping it would be longer. Oh well, that was still pretty fun.
9416900
Seconded.
I imagine Ian McKellan as the voice of the Thesaurus for some reason.
9416965
Funny, I was thinking more Kelsey Grammer.
Excellent bit of wordsmithing!
I must say, that was gloriously stupid.
That's some pitch-perfect verb use.
(Also, a proofreading nitpick -- it's "pince-nez", instead of "prince-nez".)
9417033
It also reminded me of V from V for Vendetta.
9416937
I second your motion, and I third Bookeater's.
"Third a motion"? Is that even a thing people say? I can't remember. Hopefully I'm not being infected by a Thesaurus.
This ended up great, thank you.
9416908
Pinkie would make up her OWN words, brand new ones that boggled the mind. And then pun in them horribly, and start singing...and the meaning of the words changes halfway through because she has to make up a new one...
Uhhh...Rarity?
derpicdn.net/img/view/2016/5/9/1150388.jpg
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Applejack turned to walk back to Ponyville. Hopefully Twilight and Rarity would have recovered their respective vocabularies and she could query Rarity more closely just what exactly she meant by "Sexy—
*squish*
Applejack stopped short at the sound. It was a distinctive sound, a slippery, ripe, organic sound all too common around Sweet Apple Acres. The sort of sound one's hoof makes when one unintentionally trods upon a hidden pile of Winona's...business...lurking in ambush in the grass. It promised olfactory and tactile unpleasantness for the foreseeable future (a real promise mind you that you could bank the farm on, not a politician's promise).
Applejack cautiously lifted up her forehoof to survey the damage. Much to her surprise, it was not a pile of business she had stepped in. It was a word, more specifically it was gooey, crushed, splattered, sticky remains of a word.
She peered closely, examining the dangling "tion" on one end and a sad little "Sh" at the other. There were a few broken ascenders and descenders poking out and maybe a diacritic or two, but Applejack could not make heads or tails of it. It also stank.
The whole mess started to slide unpleasantly down Applejack's frog. She snorted and quickly flicked it off and thoroughly wiped her hoof clean on a fresh clump of grass.
"I sure hope that wern't one of Twilight's big important Princessing words..." She shrugged her shoulders and continued walking on, carefully stepping around the sullied grass so as not to stain her dress' hem. "Oh well. Say la vee as they say in Prance. I'm sure Spike can help her out with that one..."
I was expecting three or four chapters, but this works too.
That creature got off with a proverbial slap on the wrist. HAd AJ brought Pinkie it would have probably died.
Eeyup.
Yer fic is mighty perty. Yeehaw!
In a shameless attempt to entice you into writing a Pinkie-Thesaurus meeting, I'll paraphrase Phillip Fry: SHUT UP AND TAKE MY BITS!
For a hair over 4,000 words of, as you put it, "stupidity," this is the kind of story that doesn't come along every day at FiMFiction. Sometimes a scrumptious hors d'oeurve is more satisfying than a seven-course dinner. Don't box yourself into believing only 100,000+ word opuses are worthy stories.
TV episode-worthy writing. And I'll second Kelsey for the VA.
9416336
That was as funny as the tale itself!
“Do me are stupid?” LOLOLOLOLOL!!
9417472
... Darn it, you nerd-sniped me. I'm not sure which word it might be and now I need to know.
9417782
Agreed. This is just a fun short adventure.
An Omake of a Pinkie vs Thesaurus would be fun to read.
(For those who don't know, an Omake is an extra to the story, either canon or not, that is not necessary to the story. That goes from telling a characters unnecessary background, to what would be considered a crackfic.)
Absolutely brilliant in its delivery and stance. True to the show, the characters and the feel of the episodes, a rare treat here on FiM.
Only a shame seven low brow, inarticulate neanderthals felt the need to downthumb it. Perhaps it goes to show not everyone has a IQ above eighty.
Silly though it was, this was just kind of silliness I needed on a stressful day. While it may not technically be your best fic, not every story needs to be a big adventure. I think this was just the right little fic at the right time.
Bravo, my honourable gentleman! Your tale was a veritable, vernacular voyage. A gratifying read, indeed!
9418320
Stuff like this is such a scary example of the elitism which dogs this festering sinkhole of a website. Just because an author is popular and they wrote a silly story doesn't mean it's exempt from being disliked.
9418712
Has nothing to do with popularity, and has everything to do with the lack of responsibility. People who downthumb come in 3 flavors.
1)do it just to get their jollies, pissing on other peoples work./following what others do to fit in.
2)OMG my wafiu/flavor of the month you offended me!
3)Dislike of an author.
I would say less than .0001% of all downthumbs are genuine and is likely being generous about it.
The solution, force a 100-300 word explanation of why you downthumb. This way the writer can understand what was wrong and why, and correct themselves as they grow and continue to write. This site is about writing, if you can't do 100-300 words explaining a simple thing, well you have bigger problems.
9418751
People less dogmatic than you have been bitching about the rating system for years. Here's the simple fact of that matter: it's not ever gonna change. And here's why: it's simple and clean. The wisdom-of-crowds approach means that something close to the truth will emerge. You might be right about certain downvotes, but don't get me started on how many people UPVOTE a story without ever reading just because it's by Pascoite, or Aegis Shield, or this guy.
9418320
This is not a Youtube comment section.
Shame on you.
9418751
It's like you entirely missed:
4) Disliked the story, presentation, or content.
Wow, this is a very interesting idea. Wonder what would happen if Thesaurus attack(?) the Nobles of Canterlot ...such as Blueblood?
9418941
Because it doesn't exist. Not in the reality of the way the site works.
9418118
Well to put your mind at ease, it was supposed to be a made up word (just think of it as a technical "Princessing" term of Twilight's or a Fancee figure of speech for Rarity).
Alas, Applejack accidentally trod on it and violently disemvoweled it. Even if Applejack knew field expedient stemming, there is just no way that word could have survived; no where near enough grammatical context to save it. A skilled team of crack grammarians equipped with the latest and greatest in unabridged dictionaries would have been hard pressed to conjugate the the poor word back to fluency without leaving it a crippled pidgin...
Edit:
Significant Other suggested the following to search for words:
9419061
You have tried to make a silly story's comment section about your anger.
Isn't there a more appropriate hill of soap boxes to die on?
9415148
I mean, it's fanfic, so anybody can pretty much write whatever they want? Whether anybody wants to read that, however, is another matter entirely ...
9418320
Meh. Some folks like a story, others don't. Not much to be done about it (apart from, y'know, write good stories).
But there's no real reason to argue about it, much less here. One's time could be far better spent by, say, reading more fanfic. More of my fanfic, even, as I am something of a shameless hack like that.
For some reason, the Thesaurus's voice in my head sounded like Nigel Thornberry.
9419702
I didn't get that but now you mention it, it does suit it
Okay, this is great. I do understand if you would prefer not to, but...
An alternate ending with her bringing Pinkie to meet a new friend would be amazing.
His palate is unrefined. Every gourmet know the best food is regional dialects.
Great concept, really well-executed character writing. I could see the Thesaurus as a creature appearing on the actual show.
Great jorb.
In the first chapter, she called her brain “head-organ.” You’ll need to fix that.
Beyond that, it’s a terrific story that I could definitely see being an official episode. Nice job!
So many delectable new words that i don gobbled up just like thesaurus
This is excellent, but I think my favorite part is a giant lizard in a tweed suit wandered into a fancy party and everyone went "It's Ponyville" and didn't even question it until the next day, and then only because of a suspiciously timed malaise.
Best. Sentence. EVER!
Next time I'll bring Pinkie.
Goodness, that would have been dreadful for the reptilian monster.
I am always being told I use a lot of big words. Eh, I just talk.
This pony word thing fun read!