• Published 21st Jan 2019
  • 425 Views, 17 Comments

The Cute One Part Trois: School Craze - No one is home

The most well-meaning degenerates in Equestria are founding a School of Friendship for all creatures. The Cute One Rides Again.

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Hey look... There's a Theme Song...

My Little Pony
I used to wonder what cuteness could be
My Little Pony
Then I realized that it was me
Expectations are quite low
Our morality is all for show
Justification is an easy feat
And Cuteness makes it all complete
To have
My Little Pony

“Sooo… you can just magically summon a school?” Starlight asked, looking sideways at her mentor.

“Well, I had to get the proper building permits,” Twilight replied sheepishly.

“Yeah…” Starlight Glimmer rolled her eyes. “I can see how that would be a problem with summoning an entire campus magically into existence… getting the proper permits.”

“I know right?” The purple princess replied obliviously. “It was a lot of paperwork, and I can’t use Spike as my assistant until he’s actually enrolled in the school. It turns out there are loopholes in foal labor laws for ‘teaching assistants’.”

“So they didn’t buy the whole ‘Friendship Farm’ pitch?” Starlight asked drily.

“Oh no, the idea that I operate a ‘friendship farm’ was actually very well received.” Twilight shook her purple head. “Apparently there’s an issue with Spike being my adopted son.”

“Let me guess…” Starlight rubbed her chin with one hoof in thought. “The reason for this is ‘not racist’ because ‘reasons’?”

“To be fair to the Bureau of Foal Services they were established strictly with the welfare of literal pony foals in mind.” Twilight held up her hooves defensively. “I mean it says ‘foal’ right in the name. Spike’s been taking the news… not well…”


“They said I was a pet!” Spike fumed before the assembled crusaders. “A PET!”

“Wow,” Applebloom mused thoughtfully, “that’s just racist as buck.”

“Don’t let Twilight hear you say that,” the young drake muttered, “She’s still making excuses for the damned bureaucracies.”

“It’s like Granny Smith is always sayin’,” Apple Bloom said in comforting tones, “‘Danged gov’mint tain’t good fer nuthin’ but collectin’ taxes and wastin’ time’. Huh, ya know it’s got bad when somethin’ looks even more racist when you hold it up to Granny.”

“I know it’s a bad time to ask,” Sweetie Belle interjected haltingly, “but… uh…”

“Yes, Sweetie Belle,” Spike grumbled in annoyance, “that means I can’t inherit any properties or titles from Twilight. Also, I’m pretty sure it anuls our betrothal and almost certainly derails your political ambitions.”

“Wait, so you and Sweetie are breaking up?” Scootaloo looked up with sudden interest. “Yes! Scootaloo is still in the game!”

“Wow…” Applebloom looked between her two friends. “I just… seriously… no words…”

“Still. In. The. Game!” The orange filly reasserted with a confident grin.


A pony, a yak, a dragon, a hippogryph, a changeling, and griffon were hanging around a school campus, and despite this being in Equestria, it was somehow was not not the opening line of an off-color joke.

“So,” the blue griffon smiled mischievously, “You guys want to go get high out by the pond?”

“Oh wow! You can get high on dry land too?” The hippogryph filly squee’d, “That is SO weird!”

“Bro,” the earth pony with a cutie mark of three sea turtles replied with a relieved grin, “I was worried I was gonna have to be the first to ask!”

“Yak are best at getting high!” The extremely fluffy yak declared in her most confident voice, “Winter is long in Yakyakistan! Young yaks get much practice!”

“Pfft, I guess you guys might not be as lame as I thought,” the purple and orange dragonette rolled her eyes.

“Is that legal?” The changeling filly shuffled nervously.

“Meh, it’s legal it Griffonstone.” The gryphon shrugged.

And so much very chillaxing took place by the pond and Sandbar, Yona, Smolder, Silverstream, Ocelus, and Gallus became instantly great stoner buddies, because that’s how that works.


“They declared your adopted son and/or little brother a pet darling,” Rarity stated flatly, pausing a moment in thought, “Although that have would solved the enrolling him in school issue… surely by now you have to realize that was a little… teensy bit…”

“The new government is racist, Twilight. It’s just a thing.” Rainbow dash rolled her eyes.

“Heck, even Granny Smith said them gov’mint varmints is racist,” Apple Jack drawled, “And when Granny Smith says yer racist…”

“It was a just a little mix up with the forms,” Twilight spoke with a near manic grin, “It’s funny… really. Everypony had a good laugh… except for me and Spike of course, who were mortified and enraged respectively. But looking back one day I’m sure I’ll understand that it was all in fun and they fixed the mistake and Spike is now a non-pony citizen, 2nd class. Which is really just one step down from citizen 1st class, which is only two steps down from unicorn nobility and I’m going to stop talking now.”

“Well, the important thing is it all worked out in the end,” Fluttershy smiled and said contentedly.

“And of course that you got your school accredited so your not just selling junk diplomas,” Pinkie grinned mischievously as she stroked her chin.

“Pinkie!” Twilight admonished her insanely pink friend. “We’re not going to charge ponies for education. What kind of monster would do that? Besides, the school is fully funded. This is an official mission of friendship.”

“Like that smoothie party last weekend?” Pinkie winked at her purple princess compadre.

“Those were smoothies of friendship, Pinkie, those are the rules,” Starlight replied as she walked by, “I’m going to go hand out with Maud in her cave and do not-cult things with her and Trixie…”

“I looked into, and it works the same way we get reimbursed for expenses and lost wages on any friendship mission,” Twilight continued happily, “So long as it involves ‘friendship’, we get paid.”

“I like to think of it as a ‘Thanks for the rainbow-lasers’ thank you card that I get every month!” Pinkie interjected randomly.

“So for instance, if I were to… say… ask one of you to watch one of my shops… as a favor for friend,” Rarity mused out loud, “Not only would I be reimbursed whatever I would have paid the pony I would have paid, you would also be reimbursed for all travel expenses and possible lost wages? I mean should that ever come up…”

Comments ( 6 )

Spike is now a non-pony citizen, 2nd class. Which is really just one step down from citizen 1st class, which is only two steps down from unicorn nobility

... Wait what class is between citizen first class and nobility?

Careful, though. With people being upset at racism and about being treated like less than a real person, and thus the desire to change it existing, you will sway dangerously close to morality.

And here we go with some more pony racism! Yay!

Also, her name is Smolder, not Ember. With reminds me, Ember and Thorax, may have a double clawed finger salute coming there way!:pinkiehappy:

Not-unicorn nobility of course. :ajsmug:

Didn't the Crystal Empire gave Spike the title "Great and Honorable, Brave and (singing)Glorious"

I say screw the government and let those 3 sweet fillies married Spike I believe even Cadence would officially wed them right there on the spot.

With the opening to the final season having Sombra conquer Canterlot and Twilight and co. snuff him out like an old match, does that mean they re-established the monarchy? They basically couped his coup. It would also explain why Celestia and Luna would need to take some time before handing Twilight the job of 'Princess of all Equestria' as it is suddenly actual govermental position instead of the just being a 'powerless figurehead.'

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