• Member Since 4th Jan, 2019
  • offline last seen 26 minutes ago

XzareAce


just your every day Flying fox(not the bat kind), who may or may not have an obsession over the concept of alicorns... :]

T
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Nightmare moon was freed and with the return of the thestrals, Equestria finds it's self at war, while caught in the crossfire and discovering the true power that she had Inherited and from who. it is up to Twilight Sparkle which path she would choose to walk during this conflict.


Cover Art By: Solitude

Chapters (5)
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Comments ( 29 )

Not bad.

And welcome to the club just finished my first one. Little advice don’t worry about what others think ,and try editors they really do help.

Trying as hard as she could, the five-month-old filly pushed open the door just enough to get in.

Are you going off of real-world horses aging? Because if not that is way too young to be walking let alone running.

"who knows, perhaps someday we will be welcomed home once more."

Well, it's a good start. Your spelling and grammar is pretty good, which is rare for first time writers, however you need to learn when to capitalize and when not to. Other than that minor issue I look forward to see how you do.

Hmm... lets see here...

A few grammar mistakes but that's okay. I know it's your first story and you'll get better. Just some advice.

Split up some of your paragraphs more so it could be easier to read. Others could have trouble reading it.

I also found some mistakes here.

"don't worry, you're going to be fine... " Celestia cooed

Make sure to capitalize the beginning and put a period at the end after cooed.

"w... What is it?" she asked her voice trembling.

Have the beginning capitalized. Also maybe put a comma after asked. I don't really know. Not the best at proofreading but I'm trying to help you in any way I can.

"you half to be... I can't lose you too", she whispered to herself looking back up to the moon.

*You

*have

Well, there are more mistakes, but that's all I'm going to point out.

Happy to help! :twilightsmile:

9414548
thanks, I did not catch those the first time :)

Nice

And i know it's your first time (and people have already said this) but there are a few mistakes, so you might want to run through it again

well well well ... not bad ... a piece of advice ... don't let the bad overwhelm the good ... I like where this is going keep on writing as i'm interested on where this is going

This was really good, can't wait for the next chapter.

Well well well... Chapter 1 is out!

I was actually waiting for this to come out! :pinkiehappy:

9422195
wel l time to wait for chapter 2 ... egh

The only issue I had with the prologue

Wouldn't Celestia be more knowledgeable of what's going on with Twilight than a Herbalist ?

And the loss of memories thing doesn't really make sense by purely siphoning magic ( but I get the need for it to fit with why twilight wouldn't remember ) I personally would have written Celestia using the memory stone from 'forgotten friendship' on Twilight before banishing the stone through the mirror

9424876
well, Celestia at this age was very naive about things going on around her, even in canon she had known that Luna was suffering for years but just shrugged it off as a phase. however, an actual doctor in a time of dark magic(i.e king sombra, NMM, Tirek), I would feel would be more experience in dealing with those situations.

and the best I'm going to do for the second part of your comment is make it more clear of what is happening, because that part is a bit vague for my taste.

there might be more chapter in the future taking place in this time period to explain things in greater light that may affect current events.

I'm pretty sure in canon, the memory stone was gone from Equestria before Celestia was even born, so I really dont want to introduce it if it won't come up later in the story :pinkiehappy:

Captain Noctis of the Lunar Guard

Look's like someone is a Fan of Final Fantasy XV just like myself.

Looking forward to the next chapter

9485741
i am Currently at 3,104 words written in on the next chapter.

currently, I have a few more scenes to finish up after that is done, I also need to look at the speed in a few places so it does not feel rushed. ill need to go over it and check for grammar/spelling mistakes once that is all done then

I can release it however, this takes time which I only have so much of in a week

but don't worry ill Update soon. I am almost done so it will be pretty soon. however, I can't give a specific date and time.

I can only say that it will be up this month

“I haft to do it, I half to kill her, with the elements gone, It's the only way.” she thought to herself, almost breaking down into tears.

don't you mean have?

9526865
sure thing, I'm not the best when it comes to writing, so I tend to make mistakes like that

9526889
your doing a great job... please keep on making this story ... i'd love to read more ... ill be keeping a eye on this

This was really interesting can't wait for the next chapter.

9554991
im currently taking a small break from writing due to writer's block,

One thousand years ago, Castle of the Two Sisters, moments after the battle between Princess Celestia and Nightmare Moon, Princess Twilight Andromeda Sparkle

I feel like this should be worded differently. Not sure how tho.

“It wasn't anyponies' fault, she specifically ordered a distraction while she alone dealt with her sister”. Noctis Finally turned to him with anger in his eyes.

I might just be nit picky but I feel like that period should be behind the end quotation.

“ and now look, not only had she been defeated, but her defeat and our failure to protect her are now permanently edged into the moon! ” he scolded, stomping his foot into the ground and towering over his lieutenant, causing him to quake at his feet in fear.

Can't start a sentence with 'and' it basically has the the same meaning as a pause, or comma.

“Our Empress is gone, and judging by the stars, so is Princess Twilight. to the sun cultists and the solar guards, the image on the moon will symbolize that the day shall always be victorious against the creatures of the night.

T should be capatalized, also them ponies are nuts.

"who knows, perhaps someday we will be welcomed home once more."

W should be capitalized. Just move to Hollow Shades :pinkiehappy:

I haven't even started reading this yet, but I already like the sound of it.

My dear twilight there is more to a young ponies life than studying, so I'm sending you to supervise the preparations of the summer sun celebration, in this years location Ponyville. And I have an even more important task for you to complete, Make some friends.

Twilight should be capitalized. Celestia, c'mon! Friends are overrated.

"same with me, ill tell you what, After the meeting, if there is anything I can tell you, you will be the first to know." shining said in response. the earth pony looked up to him.

Capitalize the S' in Shining and Same. Comma i'll, and capital T .

"thank you, that means a lot." Saying nothing else, they made there way down the stairs and broke off into different directions.

Capital T in thank you.

She gave out a cry of frustration, as she tried and failed to calm down. over the thousand years, she had learned and mastered her emotions, however, the subject of her sister or her Lunar pegasi, and Night Guards had always affected her.

Capital O in over.

“I have to do it, I half to kill her, with the elements gone, It's the only way.” she thought to herself, almost breaking down into tears.

Celestia! You're going to half your sister and kill her?!
Have that half, elements should be Elements.😊

The doors opened as the princess entered a huge conference room.

Capital the P in princess.

taking a seat at the head of the table, Princess Celestia looked toward Princess Cadence, who was Staring at her while completely speechless. The white alicorn took a few moments to organize her thoughts, closing her eyes she spoke with sorrow.

T in taking, Staring should be lowercased.

the Princess turned to see a white unicorn captain of the Royal Guard, and a black earth pony bowing before her.

T in the, U in unicorn and E in earth pony should be capitalized.

Princess Celestia walked forward towards the head of the table, the sound of iron clanked with every step she made. Everyone stared at her in disbelief, after all, it's not every day you see the princess of the sun armored for a battle. Her wings shined in the room's light, reflecting off razor-sharp blades that layered over her feathers.

*Princess of the Sun

"what do you mean by~," Cadence tried before being cut off by the white alicorn, who raised her hoof to silence her.

Rude, just rude. Also the W in what needs to go big or go home.

"I'm afraid we do not have time for Questions. we must act Quick, within fourteen hours the thestrals of the north will commence their invasion of Equestria." everyone started to murmur among themselves, and it was clear that they were in disbelief of what they were hearing.

W in we, and T in Theastrals

"from the beginning of my rule, I had a sister that ruled by my side. however exactly one thousand years ago, she had grown envious for reasons I still don't know. she had made her stand in the throne room and betrayed Equestria"

*From, However and She need to capitalize.

"Using the Lunar Guard to take control of the city, her rebellion was nothing more than a distraction, so she may end my life without difficulty from the Solar Guard. She claimed a new name, nightmare moon and she had vowed to plunge the lands in eternal night."

*Nightmare Moon

"Thirty years later, my mentor Starswirl on his deathbed gave me one final prophecy... on the thousandth year of her banishment, on the day of the summer sun celebration. The stars will aid in her escape, and she will bring forth nighttime eternal. I knew then that with the return of nightmare moon, those who were loyal to her would return as well."

*Nightmare Moon

they had spent the next 3 hours, planning deployment and strategy. by the time they were done, it was three in the afternoon.

Capitalize the T in they, and the B in by

shining armor was ordered to take Two legions up to northern Equestria, he was put in charge of setting up a fortified location on the coast of the Crystal Mountain Lake, then to lock down, and evacuate Manehattan.

*Shining Armor

the wonder bolts were ordered to make all reserves Active members. Spitfire, Fleetfoot, Soarin, and Silver Zoom, as high officers they were split up and tasked to lead these new platoons on to the battlefield.

*The Wonderbolts.

but most importantly was spitfire's team, she was tasked to keep track of anypony who entered the Everfree Forest, and report to the Princess of anyone inside or entering the forest.

*But, Spitfire,

when spitfire heard that her task was the most important, she was excited. but now knowing what the task was, she became confused about how that was important.

Capital W in when, S in Spitfire, B in but.

captain Stone Hoof, The captain of the rangers was ordered to send two Garrisons to scout out and ambush any thestrals they came across.

*Captain should be capitalized as should Thestrals.

ponyville's Golden oak Library, Midnight, the day of the Summer Sun Celebration, Twilight Sparkle

*Ponyville's Golden Oak Library

Her Curiosity got the best of her, so she opened the window, and used her levitation magic to float down to the dirt path outside.

Bad Twilight, bad! Curiosity should be lower cased.

I could go on but this is too long already. :twilightblush:

I really love this concept! I was wondering if you have come up with a name for this universe yet, and if I could write a story that takes place in this universe (with your approval, guidance, and overview, that is) so that I can enhance and explore new areas of writing.

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