• Member Since 4th Jan, 2019
  • offline last seen 10 minutes ago

XzareAce


just your every day Flying fox(not the bat kind), who may or may not have an obsession over the concept of alicorns... :]

T
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Nightmare moon was freed and with the return of the thestrals, Equestria finds it's self at war, while caught in the crossfire and discovering the true power that she had Inherited and from who. it is up to Twilight Sparkle which path she would choose to walk during this conflict.


Cover Art By: Solitude




Story Progress:

Currently Writing a story outline

First Story
Chapter 1: A New Morning, ( 2,765 words) 2/5 Chapter written
Chapter 2: Exam, 0 paragraphs completed (0 words) 0/5 Chapter Outline

Chapter 3: _______________, 0 paragraphs completed (0 words)
Chapter 4: _______________, 0 paragraphs completed (0 words)
Chapter 5: _______________, 0 paragraphs completed (0 words)
Chapter 6: _______________, 0 paragraphs completed (0 words)
This Story

3rd Story

Chapters (1)
Comments ( 14 )

Not bad.

And welcome to the club just finished my first one. Little advice don’t worry about what others think ,and try editors they really do help.

Trying as hard as she could, the five-month-old filly pushed open the door just enough to get in.

Are you going off of real-world horses aging? Because if not that is way too young to be walking let alone running.

"who knows, perhaps someday we will be welcomed home once more."

Well, it's a good start. Your spelling and grammar is pretty good, which is rare for first time writers, however you need to learn when to capitalize and when not to. Other than that minor issue I look forward to see how you do.

Hmm... lets see here...

A few grammar mistakes but that's okay. I know it's your first story and you'll get better. Just some advice.

Split up some of your paragraphs more so it could be easier to read. Others could have trouble reading it.

I also found some mistakes here.

"don't worry, you're going to be fine... " Celestia cooed

Make sure to capitalize the beginning and put a period at the end after cooed.

"w... What is it?" she asked her voice trembling.

Have the beginning capitalized. Also maybe put a comma after asked. I don't really know. Not the best at proofreading but I'm trying to help you in any way I can.

"you half to be... I can't lose you too", she whispered to herself looking back up to the moon.

*You

*have

Well, there are more mistakes, but that's all I'm going to point out.

Happy to help! :twilightsmile:

9414548
thanks, I did not catch those the first time :)

Nice

And i know it's your first time (and people have already said this) but there are a few mistakes, so you might want to run through it again

well well well ... not bad ... a piece of advice ... don't let the bad overwhelm the good ... I like where this is going keep on writing as i'm interested on where this is going

This was really good, can't wait for the next chapter.

The only issue I had with the prologue

Wouldn't Celestia be more knowledgeable of what's going on with Twilight than a Herbalist ?

And the loss of memories thing doesn't really make sense by purely siphoning magic ( but I get the need for it to fit with why twilight wouldn't remember ) I personally would have written Celestia using the memory stone from 'forgotten friendship' on Twilight before banishing the stone through the mirror

9424876
well, Celestia at this age was very naive about things going on around her, even in canon she had known that Luna was suffering for years but just shrugged it off as a phase. however, an actual doctor in a time of dark magic(i.e king sombra, NMM, Tirek), I would feel would be more experience in dealing with those situations.

and the best I'm going to do for the second part of your comment is make it more clear of what is happening, because that part is a bit vague for my taste.

there might be more chapter in the future taking place in this time period to explain things in greater light that may affect current events.

I'm pretty sure in canon, the memory stone was gone from Equestria before Celestia was even born, so I really dont want to introduce it if it won't come up later in the story :pinkiehappy:

Captain Noctis of the Lunar Guard

Look's like someone is a Fan of Final Fantasy XV just like myself.

One thousand years ago, Castle of the Two Sisters, moments after the battle between Princess Celestia and Nightmare Moon, Princess Twilight Andromeda Sparkle

I feel like this should be worded differently. Not sure how tho.

“It wasn't anyponies' fault, she specifically ordered a distraction while she alone dealt with her sister”. Noctis Finally turned to him with anger in his eyes.

I might just be nit picky but I feel like that period should be behind the end quotation.

“ and now look, not only had she been defeated, but her defeat and our failure to protect her are now permanently edged into the moon! ” he scolded, stomping his foot into the ground and towering over his lieutenant, causing him to quake at his feet in fear.

Can't start a sentence with 'and' it basically has the the same meaning as a pause, or comma.

“Our Empress is gone, and judging by the stars, so is Princess Twilight. to the sun cultists and the solar guards, the image on the moon will symbolize that the day shall always be victorious against the creatures of the night.

T should be capatalized, also them ponies are nuts.

"who knows, perhaps someday we will be welcomed home once more."

W should be capitalized. Just move to Hollow Shades :pinkiehappy:

Please update this i thoroughly enjoyed reading what is currently here

Comment posted by EASTON deleted Apr 5th, 2020
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