• Member Since 31st May, 2018
  • offline last seen Last Sunday

SolaceStone


An amateur writer. A simple reader. Perhaps with a spark of confidence glowing inside.

E
Source

Everyone says that Flash Sentry is sweet, gentle, kind, good-looking, a total goofball, and honest-to-earth a good man. Sunset knew that, and she used it to her advantage. Now that she’s really given him a second look, she realizes just how right everyone is about Flash. After everything they’ve been through together, maybe she wants something else from Flash; something aside from forgiveness and a platonic friendship. But how can she do that when he was the one who she hurt most in the past?

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My first fimfiction story, which is part of a whole folder of other stories than I'm currently brewing up in my knoggin. I hope you guys enjoy!

Chapters (5)
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Comments ( 25 )

Color me intrigued will definitely track.

I think this definitely has potential. Keep it up.

9414687
Thanks so much! I promise I won't take too long updating this story!

nys

Loving it!

Humm, good use of the music video to make a frame of reference for the reader.

Great work with the integration of the music video.

nys

Ah! I got butterflies when I read this chapter! Your story is so cute, I can't wait for more. :heart:

nys

Enjoy it?
I'M OBSESSED! This was the cutest thing ever! I can’t wait to see how their relationship continues out. Bring on the fluff.

9431517
Glad to hear it!! :] Your comment just made my day

Awww. That was a nice resolution to clear their crummy past. Sure, it's not totally gone and will probably come back from time to time but at was a nice talk they had.

They are now friends but Flash is still basically in the free market. I wonder how she will handle seeing other girls flirt with Flash.

9435983
OH HO HO HO I'm glad you think the same way!

Looks like a promising start so far. Definitely interested to see where this goes.

You did a really good job tying the music video in with the story.

This was really nicely done. I enjoyed reading it. Glad to see that they've started clearing out the baggage of their past relationship. Looking forward to seeing what happens next, now...

This was really fun reading. I especially got a kick out of the Rainbooms' discussion about Big Mac, and of course the ending... yeah, Sunset, Rarity "Romance" is on your case now. She's not gonna let up! XD

Rarity is on it like a bloodhound on a steak. She smells blood in the air.

nys

lol rarity! I should of known she wouldn't let this go. SunFlash 4 Life!

This was fun. Flustered Sunset is pretty amusing. I also got a kick out of Pinkie and Rarity tag-teaming on the shipping front (and Pinkie being misunderstood by the other students XD)

The ending of this chapter promises some intriguing potential developments for the future. Count me interested to see how it turns out!

nys

Yep. She totally needs to ask him out. xD

Glad to have you back. <3

This seems interesting, there aren't many SunFlash stories in this site and this definitely caught my atention. However, I must point out that you have a terrible habit slipping from past to present tense. This story is clearly in past tense, so stick to it. When you're telling a story in past tense, it's because it already happened and you are re-telling it to us.

Here you have an example:

Most students would wait impatiently for their class to end, eyeing their gaze towards the counting hand of the clock to reach the 12 on top. Rainbow Dash in particular was thumping her feet in excitement, ready to dash out to play in the field. The only known exception would be Twilight Sparkle, who didn't want the class to end for at least another hour or two. Or three. Now, however, unbeknownst to all, Sunset Shimmer was with Twilight Sparkle in not wanting the class to end as well. It wasn't that she was just as eager as Twilight in learning more things; on the contrary, she was confident that she’d pass every class with flying colors, being only second to the lavender girl in terms of overall scores. Compared to the application of magical enchantment and Starswirl’s theory on spell construction, something like physics or chemistry was a walk in the park.

About this one

The only known exception would be Twilight Sparkle

I'm not a grammar expert, you might be right on it, but I personally think it would look better if you re-structured it with "was".

And here:

Most students would wait impatiently for their class to end

I also personally think it would look better re-structured like this:

Most of the students were waiting impatiently for their clases to end

More examples of you slipping from past to present tense

The other girls looked at her with raised eyebrows but nodded in understanding. After an exchange of goodbyes and see-you-laters, before she knew it Sunset was alone with Rarity at the gym bleachers, which was shared by other groups of students, chatting away to their own gossips. The two are seated at a good distance from everyone else, so there's no problem of them being overheard.

Sunset grunted and lifted her head to the ceiling. It's not that Sunset doen't want to share with her friend, explaining it is the hard part. The fashionista then looked at her anxious friend with a serious face.

There's no reason for these to be in present tense when the rest of the paragraph is in past tense, as well as the story itself, this issue is present in every chapter.

I also noticed a typo here:

“Remember how I said that I dreamnt of my break up with Flash?” She began, her friend listening intently in silence.

It should be "dreamed".

Sunset raised her eyebrow. Color her intrigued. And Flash knows that look, to which he gave out a nervous chuckle.

I really don't know what you were trying to say there.

Through the story, there are many more grammatical and spelling mistakes like paragraphs where you used periods instead of comas, sentences where you repeated words, making them redundant, etc. I think it's enough with this, though, besides, I'm too lazy to point out everything because it's a lot :applecry:. All of this makes the story jarring to read and can drive away a lot of readers :applejackunsure:.

And about the plot, well, I feel Sunset having a bad dream about her break up with Flash should've been triggered by an specific event instead of coming "out of nowhere", something like they both having previous interaction that later triggered that dream. For example a small chat, they could be talking about a specific topic or nothing in particular, even something as simple as Sunset looking Flash passing by or her accidentally glancing at an object that reminded of him, listening to a song, anything that made her remember about the days when they were dating and later triggered that dream that makes her consider seriously how she felt that day and how much she's hurt him in the past. But maybe that's just me.

Well, this comment turned out to be way longer than i had planned :twilightblush:, sorry if I was a bit too harsh on you, I'll probably get some downvotes due to that :rainbowlaugh:, but this comment isn't mean to discourage you in any way. Take it as a constructive criticism for you to take into account so you can improve in future chapters. You might want to get an editor, it's the best advice i can give to you. Despite the above, I'm still tracking this to see where it heads :twilightsmile:

On a side note, given what has been said in the small talk beetween Rarity and Sunset, I think it would be interesting to see the closure conversation Suntet and Flash had in full detail so we can see how they slowly began developing feelings for each other up to this point as their talk progressed :pinkiehappy:, maybe through a flashback.

9700127
Hi! Thank you so much for you constructive criticism. I will admit it did sting a little, but that's to be expected given my current writing skills. Despite this, I truly appreciate your support in my story. As for your comment, I will try to address all points as much as I can. :twilightblush:

Firstly, thank you for pointing out my grammatical errors, particularly on my slip ups in tense. I edited the mistakes I could find, and if there were any leftover, I would appreciate it if you would notify me, though perhaps through private message.

Secondly, I totally agree about my redundant words. In truth, it concerns me--a lot--on how I try to describe a character quoting or expressing their dialogue without sounding redundant, such as exclaimed, declared, looked at, turned to, etc. As for my placements on periods and commas, I appreciate it if you could discuss it with me in detail.

I started out as a poet at first, so my writing style revolves around me making a mix of long and short sentences, and sometimes placing multiple short ones to add a rhythmic like read. If my writing style bothers you and other readers, I sincerely apologize, but it is not something I can improve overnight, nor perhaps change entirely, so I humbly ask for your patience. :pinkiesmile:

Thirdly, although I appreciate your thoughts on how my story could play out, I do not plan on changing posted chapters to such an extent. For example, what you mentioned in your comment:

I feel Sunset having a bad dream about her break up with Flash should've been triggered by an specific event instead of coming "out of nowhere", something like they both having previous interaction that later triggered that dream. For example a small chat, they could be talking about a specific topic or nothing in particular, even something as simple as Sunset looking Flash passing by or her accidentally glancing at an object that reminded of him, listening to a song, anything that made her remember about the days when they were dating and later triggered that dream that makes her consider seriously how she felt that day and how much she's hurt him in the past.

I find it very interesting to have you think that way, and I respect your enthusiasm. However, I hope you may respect my decision to have my posted chapters remain as is, with only grammatical errors to fix here and there.

Lastly, I think having an editor would be a great help indeed, but I am not entirely sure how that works, especially online. For one, is there payment involved, or is this voluntary? And for another, like I have mentioned in this story's description, this is my first ever fanfic, so I never really expected to have an editor right of the bat. Furthermore, I'm writing this story as a hobby; I commit to the story to the amount of free time I have after work, so there's that. If you wish to help me in my endeavor of writing this story as an editor, I'd gladly discuss about it further in a private message.

Once again, thank you so much for your input on my story, it inspires me to continue writing this story after seeing a reader commit a lot to wanting my story to improve. :pinkiehappy:

Pretty imagery. Very engaging.

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