The Elements of Absolution

by leeroy_gIBZ

To the prize you kept your eyes on

Once the clown was sorted out and, by sorted out I mean disintegrated, Sugarcoat and I went to check out the other ponies. Sunny and Sour were still asleep, leaning against each-other and snoring slightly. A light shake brings them back up on their hooves and Indigo only needed a light slap before she stopped spasming. Sugarcoat helped Lemon wipe the apparently not-illusory butter of herself and then we kept walking. Nobody was in the mood for lunch, especially not the token musician.

The temperature started picking up pretty rapidly once we’d escaped the clown’s little slice of this shithole forest. At least it was bright enough now for Sunny and I to put the lanterns away since they were running low on fuel. My head still kind of stung but it sure felt a lot better than when I was stuck in the burning restaurant. I almost felt relaxed as the forest began to thin out into sparse trees and shrublands. A few clouds drifted by lazily, giving some much-needed shadow now that the thick canopy of leaves was behind us. Damn good thing too, I was getting tired of squishing a worm every few steps.

“So, why did you choose to come with us, Sour? No offense, but this doesn’t really seem like your kind of place.” Lemon said as we walked.

“You know, the first thing I saw when Daybreaker appeared was all that beautiful jewelry she wore. That and the fire.”
“It was quite extravagant. In an antique sort of way. Terribly out of date nowadays.” Sunny added.

“Sure, I guess. But it still looks amazing and I bet that all that gold would go a long way to financing my new restaurant after that fucking bitch burned it down.” Sour said, smiling, And how about you?”

Lemon shrugged, “I guess I wanted the prestige of doing it. I bet I’d sell way more records if I named the band Alicorn Slayer.”

“Nah, you’d sell way more if you just made good music. I mean, ripping off actually nice singers is one thing, but rock?”
“Symphonic metal.” Lemon corrected.

“Nopony cares. Basically, Indigo’s point is that you’d be far more popular if you wrote your own music that conformed to a mainstream style, instead of plagiarizing underground artists.” Sugarcoat said.

“For the last time, I write my own songs already. Just because I take inspiration from somepony doesn’t mean I copy them.”

“Wait. Stop. Do you see that?” I said, pointing to the ravine we were approaching. The rough rock and dry grass suddenly gave way to a massive crack in the earth, and I could spot a bunch of stone spires behind the darkening clouds. Those should be Castle Everfree, or what’s left of it anyway.

“Yeah. It’s a canyon. So what? It’s not like we can’t just fly over it.” Indigo said.

“Well, that’d be just wonderful for you and Sour, dearie, but the rest of us can’t actually fly,” Sunny said.
“Oh, I keep forgetting you’re all lame.”

“Excuse me?”

“She means that you’re literally lamer. It’s Pegasus slang for creatures that can’t fly.” Sour explained, “Now if you all will excuse me, I’m going to fly across.”

“What about us? Full offense, you’re not going to be able to defeat Daybreaker with a pointed stick and a sharp chunk of metal. The Elements need six ponies to work.” Sugarcoat said.

“Hey, cool it. We’re gonna scout out the castle and then we’ll come back. Hey, maybe we’ll even find the Elements and save you all the trouble of figuring out how to cross the bridge.” Indigo said, before taking off.

The wind started to pick up just as her hooves left the ground. It was strong enough to permanently destroy any chances of my mane looking decent for the rest of the trip, but both Pegasi managed to overcome it. Together they flapped and glided over the canyon, slowly but surely making it toward the Castle.

A bolt of lightning smashed down in front of Sour just as she was about to land. Screaming, she jumped back and managed to dodge the next one. Indigo wasn’t so lucky. A bolt of white-hot fire flashed into her spear, jolting her out of the sky.

I galloped to the edge of the canyon as the storm picked up, hailing down golfball-sized lumps of ice and blotting out the blazing Sun. Indigo had managed to catch a branch on the way down, and her wing looked bad. The thing was charred black and smoking. It twitched uselessly as Sour tried in vain to pull the larger Pegasus up. I summoned magic toward me, pushing past the stinging pain, and focused on Indigo, willing her to move up.

She was soon coated in a cyan glow as Sour and I pulled her up. What in Tartarus did she eat? I know I’m not exactly at the top of my game right now and the storm was making it tricky for them to fly, but another pony and I should’ve easily been able to lift Indigo Zap. Then I saw it. The spear. And still impaled on the spear was the Jabberwocky’s head, well camouflaged against the dark rocks and patches of grass. I don’t know if that nasty thing got bigger since I’d last seen it but it sure was weighing us down.

Sour was actually trying to lift the spear itself, not Indigo directly. I thought about calling Sugarcoat for help, but the flickering purple barrier above us told me that that was probably a pretty stupid idea. No point in letting all of us get brained by hailstones, after all.

“Hey!”

“Yeah? Can you throw down one of those Healing spells, Sunset? That’d come in really useful right now!” Indigo shouted back.

“I don’t have enough magic. I’m running on fumes as is and Sugarcoat’s busy shielding us from the storm!”

“I know you’re tired and all, but so are we. Just fucking try harder, Sunset! Unless you want us to die, that is!” Sour shouted, flying back as something in the canyon snapped back up at her.

I didn’t notice those before. Basically, the bugs were same muddy grey as the canyon itself and about the size of a foal each and, just like foals, there were way too many of them. Hundreds of ants, at least, and they were gaining on Indigo. Okay, time for Plan B.

“Drop the spear!”

“What? Fuck no! She and I agreed to split the cash from selling the head! Do you even know how much a genuine Jabberwocky skull goes for?” Sour said, still struggling to lift it and Indigo.

“I don’t know about you, but I’d rather be poor than dead, Sour!” Sunny shouted.

“Bold words coming from you, you’re like the third richest pony in town. Some of us have to work, you know! Some of us didn’t get a fat loan from mommy’s film industry!”

“Shut up, both of you. I’m trying not to get eaten here!” Indigo shouted, kicking against the approaching ants.
They were getting closer. Way closer. A brown wave of clicking and chittering insects was advancing on the Pegasi. I funneled for magic into the levitation and managed to get both of them off the ground at least. Indigo bucked one off the spear, and the ant tumbled back into the hungry mass of bugs.

Said mass started building a tower. Standing on each-others backs, the ants were like bricks in a pyramid that was rapidly gaining on the mares.

“Alright. Plan C.” I said, “Sunny, give me the lantern.”
“If you insist, dearie.” She said, nudging it over.

I took a deep breath, before picking the glowing lamp up and enchanting it. The shock from splitting spells nearly made me drop Indigo, but I tried as hard as I could to push through, effectively making the lantern a grenade.

I chucked it down into the pile of ants, aiming far away from the Pegasi. The lantern exploded brilliantly, covering the insects with a flaming cloud of boiling oil. That should teach them.

“Now drop the spear and move,” I ordered.

“No! I need it!” Sour said.

“Just drop the spear, alright? I can get another from the Guard. Hey, I reckon I can even kill another Jabberwocky. But we aren’t ever gonna do that if we die here.” Indigo said.

“But. But…” Sour mumbled, before sighing, grabbing hold of Indigo, and letting the spear and head tumble into the writhing mass of bug and fire below.

With the weight basically halved, Sour and I managed to hoist Indigo out of the canyon and we collapsed from exhaustion afterward. Never am I doing that again. Next time, I am so fucking investing in a bag of holding.

“Alright. What’s the next plan, Sunset? I can’t keep this up forever.” Sugarcoat said.

“We need to get out of this storm before somepony’s get cracked open. Now it’s absolutely magical considering how the only lightning we’ve seen so far has only tried to attack us when we’ve tried to cross the canyon.” I said, “So does anypony have an idea?”

“Shit. You’re supposed to be the smart one, right? Why don’t you figure it out?” Indigo said, brushing bits of ash and chitin out of her coat.

“Because it’s a storm, dearie. Unicorn magic doesn’t work with the weather and, besides, even if it did, we’re still technically in the Everfree.” Sunny explained.

“Well, I’m not going out there again to chase around a cloud. I almost died last time!” Sour said.

“I know that you penny-pinching twit, I was there. But it’s not like we have any other options.”

“Why don’t we just, like, ask the storm to stop?” Lemon asked.

“Because it’s an unintelligent atmospheric phenomenon, Lemon. I doubt it speaks Ponish.” Sugarcoat said.

“Hey, it’s worth a shot. I mean, you Pegasi make storms so maybe this is like that? You never know if you don’t try.”

“Fine, go ahead. That’s only the stupidest idea you’ve ever had and yes, I am counting that time you tried teaching a minotaur to waltz.” Sour said.

Lemon cleared her throat. And then, moving slightly out from under Sugarcoat’s shield and dodging the chunks of hail, she stared directly upward into the dark sky.

“Uh, hello? Anypony there? We’d kind of like to, you know, get across the canyon and we can’t do that if you’re shooting lightning bolts at us.”

Naturally, Lemon’s plan failed and the clouds ignored her. Supernaturally, however, a bolt of lightning struck the ground just inches in front of Lemon’s hooves. Now, I don’t know exactly what that mare smokes but I’m pretty sure I want a pipeful of it now if it lets you stare down a thunderbolt and win. Seriously, I have a newfound respect for her now.

“Cool. Nice light show, but could maybe talk face to face for this?”

The sky darkened and thundered in response. I almost miss the Sun now. At least that only tried to burn me alive, not blow my mane into a bird’s nest. But the hail subsided at least, letting Sugarcoat turn off her shield.

“Can you come out, please? We just want to talk!” Lemon shouted.

Okay, wow. The clouds have officially parted, letting a scorching ray of light shine back down like a spotlight. I take it back. I do not miss this and I feel sunburnt just looking at the sky.

“How many of there are you?” A voice asked. It sounded pretty good. Really good, actually. Like, the accent was cultured and kind of foreign but not obnoxiously posh or anything and the tone lay somewhere between sultry and mildly annoyed. Put simply, it was hot.

“Six of us, Miss… uh?”

“Call me Pizzicato. And if there’re six of you ponies, why don’t you talk to yourselves?”

“Because, if brains were dynamite, only the bacon-haired one and I would have enough of the stuff to blow our heads off.”

“Well, you’ve got a mouth on you, alright. What’s so important across the canyon that you simply can’t just walk around it?”

“There’s a castle on the other side we really need to get you. Like, the fate of the world is at stake here. Can’t you help a sister out?” Lemon said.

“Maybe. But I feel like a having a storm right now. What you could possibly offer me, Pizzicato the Siren, in exchange for removing it?”

Oh fuck. She’s a Siren. Well, if today could get any worse, it official has. Those things are serious trouble. I don’t really remember too much from my days as a lion tamer, but my act was right before this magician who liked to tell stories. I remember pretty clearly seeing the Great and Powerful Trixie regale the crowd about how this ancient hero from like a thousand years ago had to actually tear a rift open to a different dimension to get rid of some of them. I wasn’t much for fairy tales then or now but I have a bad feeling that, for once, Trixie wasn’t actually lying.

“Wow, I never thought I’d see a Siren before!” Lemon said, completely oblivious to the fact that these things require Alicorn-tier magic to fight, “Could you come down and sing for us.”

No. No, that’s like the one thing you never want them today. They’ll steal your soul. And I would have said that too if Sugarcoat hadn’t clamped a hoof over my mouth. There’s a time and a place for that kind of thing, honestly.

“Well, I haven’t had a performance in centuries. I don’t see why not.” Pizzicato said, before flying down to see us.

Now, I had always pictured Sirens as a sort of Merpony kind of creature and that was completely wrong. This thing was about the size of a small dragon and coated in sparkling white scales. Its mane was the color of molten copper, and it waved almost lazily in the gale-force wind and its eyes looked to be carved from giant sapphires. This creature looked awesome, but wait, no. It’s not supposed to be beautiful or whatever, that’s just its spell working.

“Incredible! I’ve never seen such amazing colors before. Pizzicato, have considered performing?” Lemon cheered.

“Excuse me? I am a Siren; I don’t perform for the entertainment of lesser beings. I eat them.”

“No, not like that. I meant you could totally take over the world with that voice. Just listening to you speak is giving me so many ideas!”

The Siren raised an eyebrow, “Go on?”

“In Pony culture, pop stars are a super serious deal. Ponies, like, we treat them like gods. Why bother living here, in the ass end of nowhere, when you could be living it up in Canterlot?”

“And do what? Be surrounded by rats?”

“Hey now, you’d be surrounded by worshippers. Imagine, you wouldn’t have to hunt or whatever, they’d just walk straight into your mouth. And all you’d have to do is do what you already love doing?”

Pizzicato smirked, “Perhaps I could to that? But why are you telling me all this, little pony? Don’t you care about your herd?”

“Hey, between you and me, I’m only working with these tools until we get can rid of Daybreaker. After that, they’re on their own. So, like, if you want to chow down on one of them next week or something, be my guest.”

“You make a good offer, pony. But how do you suppose we accomplish this then? What’s to stop me simply devouring you all now?”

“My cleaver in you neck, for starters,” Sour said, brandishing the knife.

Pizzicato raised a webbed claw in response, preparing to strike. Sugarcoat and I started charging up spells. Indigo jumped into action with a short sword. Sunny jumped behind Indigo. Lemon stood perfectly still, despite the brewing storm of combat and the very literal storm of rain.

“Please, ignore my bodyguards. They mean well but they’re not exactly the smartest tools in the shed. You see, my name is Lemon Zest. You might have heard of me.”

Pizzicato lowered her claw, the appendage shimmering in her ray of sunlight. “I haven’t heard of you, Lemon. Why would I have?”

“Because I own the largest record label in Equestria. You’ve got talent, sure, but you’re going to get real far without a manager on your side. I’m saying we split the profits 60-40 and take over a city or two? What do you say to that?”

“I say you make a very interesting proposal, manager. I accept. Pizzicato Dawn is at your service.” The Siren said, shrinking down until she was about the size of a pony. She then extended a claw. Lemon shook it.

“Don’t call me. I’ll call you.”

“Noted. Now, about this canyon. I believe this should suffice.” She said, starting to hum.

Shit! She’s singing!

Sugarcoat was surprisingly strong, or maybe that was just because Sour was helping. Again, I really do not like being touch and I made sure to get the latter a good kick or two to hammer that message home. But, to my surprise, none of us were brainwashed into zombies. Not that I was too worried about that for Indigo and Sunny because they’d actually need brains for that to be a problem.

Instead, clouds began to break out their formation in the skies above and they drifted down to us while the most beautiful song I ever heard danced through my ears. I stopped struggling at some point, going limp and just marveling at how perfect Pizzicato’s song was. Not a note was out of place, and if her speaking voice was good, hearing her sing was like a combination of silk, chocolate, and orgasms.

But then it stopped, and I looked up from staring at the Siren. Beside her was a line of clouds stretching the length of the gorge, sparkling with the same pearl radiance as her coat. She bowed slightly.

“Shit, that was awesome!” Indigo said.

“Absolutely incredible. I’ve never heard something more amazing in my entire life.” Sunny agreed.

“Yeah. Wow. That really does the trick.” Sour said.

“It was nice. You have an excellent grasp of harmony and crescendo.” Sugarcoat said, actually smiling again.

Lemon started to clap, “You see, Pizzicato? Ponies love you! That was superb! Here, take my card.” Lemon said, dropping a small business card into the Siren’s claws.

“Why thank you, my little ponies. I eagerly await the contract, Lemon Zest. I think it’ll be the beginning of a delicious relationship.” She said, winking before the clouds started to dissipate, and she flew back into the sky.

Once she was gone, Lemon broke the stunned silence. “Told you I had that in the bag.”

“You do realize that we’ve got to kill a Siren now, right? Those things do not go down easy.” I said.

“Hey, I didn’t mean any of that stuff I said. You mares are my friends. I just needed a way to get rid of her and I thought that tricking her into flying over Dragon territory would be a great way to do that.”

“Well, I totally misjudged you. It turns out that you actually have a brain between those earphones.” Sour said.

“Couldn’t have said it better myself. Now, let’s go get theses Elements and save the world.”

The bridge held and Lemon walked across it first, with about as much triumph as somepony who’d just outsmarted a Siren had any right to. Sugarcoat stepped onto it, more nervously shuffling than walking across it, with Sour and Indigo prepared to catch her if she fell. It seemed that the schoolteacher did not have a thing for heights. Then, once she was finally across, it was Sunny’s turn. The mare was staring blankly into space, silently mumbling something.

“Hey, Sunny. You’re up.” I said, waving a hoof in front of her face. “Sunny. Sunny… uh… what was it? Flare, right? Sunny Flare. This is Sunset.”

Nothing.

I slapped her. Gently.

Nothing.

Okay, I guess I’m moving in with the only other vaguely attractive mare in town because this one seems to be broken.

Seriously though, if it wasn’t that there were exactly six Elements and exactly six of us, I would have left her. But that not being an option, I opted for magic.

“SUNNY FLARE. THIS IS SUNSET SHIMMER. REMEMBER ME? I’M BEAUTIFUL AND TALENTED.”

Hopefully, that Telepathy sank in because I was starting to feel like one of those damn ants chomped me on the head. I felt like shit after that.

Sunny blinked.

“Sunset?” She asked nervously.

“Correct. Now can we go and save the world or are you going to keep admiring the view?”

“Oh, sorry. I must’ve just blacked out there for a second. Must be the dehydration. I haven’t had a cup of tea in what feels like days.”

Sure. Not buying that.

“Alright. Take a drink and then cross the bridge. Or do it in the opposite order. Either one can work.” I said, starting across it myself.

When I was about halfway across, I looked back and saw Sunny still standing there, that thousand-yard stare back on her face. For fuck’s sake. Nothing is easy in this place, is it?

“Come on!”

Sunny shook her head and hurried after me. I know I’m nice to look at, especially from behind, but this is getting ridiculous. There’s a time and a place, you know?

Comments

[FanOfMostEverything]

Well, this is certainly an interesting twist on the formula. Thus far, we seem to have the Elements of Bloodthirst, Unflappability, and Cunning. And Sour Sweet may qualify as Pragmatism. Eagerly looking forward to further trials.

[leeroy_gIBZ]

9428768
Thank you kindly. I sort of wish I actually picked those names for the Elements.