Chapter 4: How to Make An Apple Meat Pie
One day, the CMC failed to show up for school. Anyone who spoke with their sisters were informed that they were “busy,” but would return the next day.
Sure enough, they arrived the following morning, but everypony was surprised to see that Apple Bloom entered the schoolhouse without her bow, leaving her undead form plain to see. Just as plain, in fact, as the look of utmost displeasure on her face. Despite the entire class looking at her in surprise, she didn’t say a word on her appearance, or why she’d been absent.
Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo entered behind her and didn’t say anything either. Their expressions were probably worse than Apple Bloom’s. The three of them just went to their desks and took their seats. Despite the overwhelming curiosity in the classroom, none of their classmates had the guts to ask what had happened.
Cheerilee, however, still had a class to teach, and this tension did not make for a productive learning environment.
“Er… is everything alright, Apple Bloom?” asked Cheerilee.
Apple Bloom let out a sigh, which came out sounding somewhat like a growl. It was impossible to tell if this was because of her mood, or her curse.
“Ah’m fine. Ah just lost mah bow. Ah’m stuck like this until Twilight finishes enchantin’ a new one for me,” she explained.
“Oh? How’d you lose it?” asked Dinky.
“Y’all don’t want to know,” answered Apple Bloom.
The classroom was silent for a moment. Several ponies opened their mouths to ask, but then Apple Bloom’s friends spoke up.
“She’s right, you really don’t want to know,” said Sweetie Belle.
“We were there, we know what happened, and we wish we didn’t,” added Scootaloo.
Again the room fell silent, but now the curiosity in the building was simply overwhelming. Everypony just had to know.
Apple Bloom could see this on the expressions of everyone in the classroom, including Cheerilee, so she just let out another sigh.
“Alright, fine. Ah’ll give ya the short version, but don’t say Ah didn’t warn ya,” she announced.
Two days ago…
While it could be said that the CMC had given up on their quest for cutie marks, this was only true in the sense of actually acquiring said marks. They were still very eager to set out and try new things. And as a result, they were still more than capable of getting into trouble.
Though to be fair, this particular sort of trouble was hardly CMC exclusive.
“Ok, one last time. Helmets and safety pads on and secure?” asked Sweetie Belle.
The three fillies gave their safety gear some quick tugs.
“Check,” answered Apple Bloom.
“Pillows set up in expected landing site, and most likely places for us to end up if something goes wrong?” asked Sweetie Belle.
Scootaloo looked down the hill at the stack of pillows, and glanced at the other pillows scattered around, mostly in front of trees.
“Check,” answered Scootaloo.
“And most importantly, no sign of Murphy Law?” asked Sweetie Belle.
She pulled out a pair of binoculars and peered out towards town hall.
“Check. He’s still arguing with the mayor. We’re good to go,” she announced.
With a smirk, Scootaloo pulled down her goggles and got into position behind the wagon.
“Ready girls?” asked Scootaloo.
“Ready!” said Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle.
“Alright, here we go!” cried Scootaloo.
She gave the wagon a mighty push, making sure to aim for the ramp at the bottom of the hill before jumping on. Gravity took over from there, and things went downhill fast. Literally, and figuratively.
“Do Ah even want to know what happened this time?” asked Applejack.
“To be honest, probably not,” admitted Sweetie Belle.
Applejack sighed as she looked around at the damage. Once again, the CMC had left a rather impressive wave of destruction in their wake. The only consolation was the, now normal, lack of tree sap. Something about the three of them sharing their secrets magically made that stuff vanish from their lives.
Applejack wasn’t complaining. This was Ponyville, after all. It wasn’t a question of whether some disaster would strike, but rather how much would have to be cleaned up afterwards.
“Let’s see… Barn’s collapsed again, half the sheep have run off, gonna need a whole bunch of hammers and tape to fix that wheelbarrow, and Apple Bloom…” Applejack paused.
“And Apple Bloom’s kind of… besides herself right now?” said Sweetie Belle with an awkward smile.
That was one way to describe the fact that Apple Bloom was currently reduced to a pile of burnt looking ghoul flesh. Said pile was still moving and making strange, nauseating sounds. It would be horrifying, except that Applejack knew that Apple Bloom would be fine once she was put back together. It was genuinely surprising what the undead filly could walk away from these days.
“Yeah… besides herself. Ah know she ain’t in serious trouble or nothin,’ but how the hay did she end up like this? This is even worse than that time she fell off the barn. Y’all were just ridin’ a wagon down a hill, right?” asked Applejack.
“Well…” started Sweetie Belle.
She paused at the sound of Scootaloo making another sacrifice to Nurgle in a nearby bush. Or at least, Sweetie Belle hoped it was Nurgle. She doubted any other god, fictional or otherwise, would care for that much vomit. It was apparent that Scootaloo’s stomach didn’t agree with Apple Bloom’s current status as meat paste.
“So… you know how Big Mac borrowed that fancy new wood chipper to get rid of that dead tree? And he was storing it in the barn?” explained Sweetie Belle.
Applejack let out another sigh.
“Ah think Ah get the picture. Ah don’t know how y’all managed to turn the dang thing on by accident, but Ah have to admit Ah’m glad it was Apple Bloom and not you or Scootaloo. At least mah sister’s still alive after that, or at least she ain’t no less alive than before she went through it,” said Applejack.
Instead of turning pale or wincing, Sweetie Belle actually blushed. Applejack noticed.
“Wait… Don’t tell me…” said Applejack.
“Well, her head was already stuck in it, judging from how her skull was sort of…” Sweetie Belle started to explain.
Scootaloo loudly gave another heave. Applejack just facehooved.
“Sweetie Belle, do ya mean to tell me that ya intentionally sent mah sister through a wood chipper?” asked Applejack.
“Well… for a certain definition of intentionally, I guess,” admitted Sweetie Belle with awkward smile.
Applejack let out another sigh. Did any of her cousins have to deal with something like this on a regular basis?
“Ma, if ya slip one more doggy treat in mah lunch tah prove Ah’m a werewolf, Ah swear…”
“Did ya at least remember to take her bow off first?” asked Applejack.
This question gave Sweetie Belle pause.
“Oh… right. Forgot about that. OK, that was definitely a mistake on our part, and we probably should have thought of that,” admitted Sweetie Belle.
The expression on Applejack’s face was so deadpan it could have cooked an expired animal.
“Great. That’s just great. Now Ah’ll have to swing by the library and let Twilight know she needs to enchant another bow. In the meantime, Ah expect the three of ya to clean this all up. And that means puttin’ Apple Bloom back together first,” declared Applejack.
“Well, yeah. That was the plan. It might take awhile for me to do it by myself, though. I don’t think Scootaloo’s going to be able to help me much while she’s, you know, busy...” said Sweetie Belle as she glanced towards her still-in-one-piece friend.
Scootaloo groaned before tossing her cookies once again.
At this point, several ponies in the class had turned green, and a few had already dashed off for the bathroom.
“I… think that’s quite enough, Apple Bloom. I believe we all get the picture,” said Miss Cheerilee in as calm a voice as she could manage.
“Aw… but I wanna know what happens next,” said Snails.
The rest of the class simply glared at him.
Sweetie Belle let out a sigh.
“Look, if you really want to know, we’ll explain at recess. And yes, this is why we were absent yesterday,” said Sweetie Belle.
“It took you two days to put Apple Bloom back together?” asked Cheerilee.
“It’s a little more complicated than that,” said Sweetie Belle.
It was not the first time Sweetie Belle had reassembled her ghoul friend, and it likely would not be the last. It was, however, the grossest endeavor to date. It didn’t help that Scootaloo was still busy trying to get her stomach to settle.
“Bleh. When I asked you ‘what’s in your head’ the other day, I didn’t mean it literally, Apple Bloom,” grumbled Sweetie Belle.
At the moment, Sweetie Belle was just trying to sort the pile of undead pony meat (and pieces of shredded ribbon), which was every bit as disgusting as it sounded. Not to mention the rotten smell that had only got stronger the longer she worked.
“Mumf… mulllf… malllll…” groaned the pile of Apple Bloom.
“I’m working on it, Apple Bloom. Can you just wait until I’ve put your mouth back together before you start complaining? I can’t understand a word you’re saying” said Sweetie Belle.
Scootaloo, meanwhile, gagged as she struggled not to make yet another sacrifice to the Plague Lord.
It then occurred to Sweetie that she’d actually taken some geek culture she’d learned from Button Mash to heart if she was making a reference like that. She wasn’t entirely sure if it was good sign to be referencing a series that dark, though. What did it say about her if that was the fictional universal that stuck in her memory?
Then again, it might just be on her mind because she was in the middle of the morbid task of assembling her undead friend. Funny, that almost made it sound like she was a mad scientist, putting all the pieces together in the right…
“Wait…I’m not a doctor. I can’t tell which part goes where. And if Apple Bloom can’t help me when she’s in pieces like this, how the hay am I supposed to put her back together properly?” asked Sweetie Belle.
…
“I think… *ulp*… we need… a professional…” choked out Scootaloo.
She then proceeded to once again paint the floor with her stomach.
“After she was finished puking, Scootaloo headed to the hospital to grab a doctor, while I had to stay and make sure nothing tried to eat Apple Bloom. Unfortunately, no pony at the hospital knew how to reassemble a brain. So, eventually we had to send a letter to Princess Celestia asking for a doctor who knew what to do, and he didn’t arrive until the following morning,” said Sweetie Belle.
There were far fewer ponies still listening to the story as this point, but she still had a bit of a crowd in the playground.
“OK, and you had to help put Apple Bloom together, which is why you were absent yesterday. But did it really take you the whole day, even with a Canterlot doctor helping?” asked Snips.
“Have you ever tried to reassemble a zombie, Snips? Do you have any idea how hard and disgusting it is?” asked Scootaloo.
“Uh… No,” answered Snips.
“Then trust us when we say it was a miracle it only took us one day,” said Scootaloo.
“Try bein’ the one who needed to be put back together. Ah swear, it was worse than gettin’ lost in the hivemind,” grumbled Apple Bloom.
“...and there we go. She should be coherent now, if a little disoriented from being in pieces for so long,” said Dr. Direct Stylus.
With a rather nauseating squish, the last of Apple Bloom's head was put back together.
Apple Bloom let out a groan of misery, her eyes rolling in their sockets as she struggled to regain her bearings.
Her friends weren’t much better off. Sweetie Belle’s face was a little green, though she managed to keep herself from throwing up. Scootaloo, meanwhile, had already lost that struggle. And what little of her breakfast she had left.
“Ugh. I can’t believe you were able to do that. I don’t think I could even touch somepony’s brain like that, let alone put it back together. And how the hay were you able to tell which parts of her brain were which?” asked Sweetie Belle.
"Oh, well, I am a royal surgeon. You don’t get to the top of the medical world without knowing a thing or two. Though I have to admit, reassembling an undead brain was certainly a new experience for me. Usually such things are the Dark Magic Department’s responsibility,” said Dr Stylus.
“Really? Then why did they send you instead?” asked Sweetie Belle.
“Well, working on a shredded body is definitely a medical problem and not a magic one, but I’m not entirely sure. Something about “experience with the unusual,” I think. And I admit I have dealt with some bizarre medical conditions in the past, like the razor parasites, the heart spider, and that weird triangle infection. Seriously, that one was strange. How the hay does a viral infection form a perfectly symmetrical triangle pattern like that?” asked Dr. Stylus.
“Magic?” offered Sweetie Belle.
Scootaloo just groaned, struggling to hold back another wave of nausea. She dearly wished she could be anywhere else at the moment, loyalty to her friend be darned. She wasn’t even able to help because she was too busy puking her guts out.
“Perhaps. Well, at any rate, we’re making progress. How are you feeling, Apple Bloom?” asked Dr. Stylus.
Apple Bloom let out another groan, but then blinked and looked around.
“Ugh… what the hay happened? Ah feel like Ah went through a woodchipper, and mah brain got reduced to mush,” said Apple Bloom
Sweetie Belle gave an awkward laugh. Dr. Stylus rubbed the back of his head. Scootaloo’s stomach decided it was time for her to start emptying it again.
“Ok, that’s either a bit of mah liver, or mah right kidney,” said Apple Bloom.
Sweetie Belle looked down at the bit of Apple Bloom in question.
“Your right kidney? Why not your left kidney?” asked Sweetie Belle.
It’s a ghoul thing. Ah get a feelin’ of where the bits go, but not exactly. Ah can tell it goes on mah right side, but Ah ain’t sure which,” answered Apple Bloom.
“Hm, I think I overheard some ponies from the Dark Magic Department talking about that in the coffee room once. “Darkness Infused Enhanced… Detection, I think?” said Dr. Stylus.
“Yeah. Ah just sort of know where things go. Kinda,” said Apple Bloom.
“Well, at any rate, I’m fairly certain this is a piece of liver. Though I must admit, it’s rather difficult for even me to tell with how burnt it looks,” admitted Dr. Stylus.
“Well, it’s not like the pieces get stuck together. I guess if we pick wrong we can just pull it back out and…” started Sweetie Belle.
She paused as Scootaloo demonstrated that changelings had pretty strong stomachs. Strong in the sense that they could make a lot of bile.
Everyone turned to her in concern.
“OK, seriously Scootaloo. This is getting ridiculous. This is disgusting, yes, but you’ve done nothing but be sick and puke for two days now. Do you have the flu or something?” asked Sweetie Belle.
Scootaloo turned to look at them, green in the face.
“I… don’t do well with gore, OK? There was this one incident with Twitch that even he thought went way too far and… *ulp*...” said Scootaloo.
The memory of that incident made her turn and give the bush another coat. Her friends looked at each other in concern, but also understanding.
“Geez, Ah don’t wanna even imagine what Twitch would consider ‘too far.’ Must of been outright traumatizin’,” said Apple Bloom.
Sweetie Belle let out a shiver, and nodded in agreement.
“Yeah. Though you know, it seems like a lot of her problems tend to have something to do with Twitch,” noted Sweetie Belle.
“Ah can’t say Ah surprised,” deadpanned Apple Bloom.
Somewhat confused, Dr. Stylus gave an awkward cough.
“Well, at any rate, we’d best get to work and ease her suffering. The sooner we finish assembling Apple Bloom, the sooner Scootaloo’s stomach will settle down,” said Dr. Stylus.
By now, Snails was the only one still listening. Even Snips had opted to find something, anything, else to do than hear more gruesome details about what happened.
“So, yeah. Apple Bloom spent the last two days pulling herself together, Scootaloo spent the last two days puking, and I spent the last two days doing all the work with Dr. Stylus,” said Sweetie Belle.
“Most of the work. After Ah was whole again we had to fix everythin’ else we broke. Applejack was right, it took a whole lot of duct tape to fix that wheelbarrow,” added Apple Bloom.
“At least Dr. Stylus volunteered to help us. Seriously, the guy was just so nice and helpful,” said Sweetie Belle.
“He’s a doctor, Sweetie Belle. Helping others is kind of his job,” said Scootaloo.
“Yeah, but he only came out here to help with putting Apple Bloom back together. He didn’t need to do more, but he did anyway,” said Sweetie Belle.
Apple Bloom rolled her eyes, ignored her friends arguing, and turned towards Snails.
“So yeah, that’s about it. Anything else ya wanna know?” asked Apple Bloom.
“Nah. I’m good. Thanks for the story, Apple Bloom,” said Snails.
“You’re welcome, Ah guess. Ah can’t believe somepony wanted to hear all of it,” said Apple Bloom.
“Oh, I didn’t. I turned my brain off when you got to the really nasty bits. I just wanted to know how the story ended,” said Snails with a goofy smile.
Apple Bloom stared at Snails in disbelief for a bit, then shook her head.
That was probably for the best, honestly.
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Direct Stylus didn't sound like a usual pony name for any kind of surgeon, went thinking of medical doctors, saw a bit of the AGDQ LetsPlay a while ago, etc:
Also, nice reference to the DS.
Derek Stiles.
https://tvtropes.org/Characters/TraumaCenter
----
When you said Triangle Virus, I thought you were referring to this novel I read some years ago.
But no.
https://www.amazon.com/Infected-Novel-Scott-Sigler/dp/030740630X
At least Scootaloo doesn't look like a paint factory vomited on her like the official 'redeemed' changeling design.
Hmm, you've said AB regens parts, albeit slowly, but in that state, what part would be considered the core of the regen?
That line is the reason for this chapter’s existence, isn’t it?
Trauma Center is definitely SO underappreciated. Nice to see you add a little touch of the series' silly naming with D.I.E.D., too!
Also, I almost expect Babs is going to become a hengstwolf at this point. Just because she's the "new" ancestor of the bat ponies doesn't mean she can't get weirder...
Gotta love the advantages of being unable to die! Poor Scoots though.
9572851
What does that even have to do with the story at all?
9572922
It's welcoming, safe, warm, relaxing aspect to the story.
9572922
Oh my god, is your PFP of Sheer Heart Attack? But LEGO?
Oh my god, exploding LEGOs everywhere instead of just blowing up. Say goodbye to your feet!
Welp, glad I haven't eaten in a while. Gross.
Still a nice chapter though.
Too bad Apple Bloom does not have an ability to pull herself back together. Who could say there aren't any bits of hers still left in the machine?
I can't help but think that most of Scoots' bile is just unhardened changeling slime.
Nurglite!
Reassembling zombie pony's body parts, bones, organs, and other stuff back together. Erk. That must've been a difficult and disgusting task to do. Good thing the CMC were able to find a doctor to help them out. It kinda sucks that Apple Bloom doesn't have an ability to regenerate her body parts, though.
This is a story I have to hear.
I, see?
Oh boy!
Naturally, you three are trouble magnets.
I'm afraid.
Oh no...
Probably.
She does not get paid enough for this.
I am genuinely surprised you have anything left in there.
Very I'm guessing.
I mean, yeah that's, not an UNfair point.
About that...
I'm with her.
Noted.
Duct tape fixes near everything.
... You, realize if she's telling you the story obviously she survived.
Yeah.
No no, that's fair.
YES, HAIL NURGLE‘S PESTILENTIAL GLORY!!
MORE WORSHIPPERS WHO ARE READY TO SACRIFICE, EMBRACE THE SICKNESS, EMBRACE THE LORD OF PESTILENCE
NO, LET IT FLOW! FOR NURGLE!!
(I would say I am sorry, but I am not. I just couldn’t resist
)
taco timepoor apple bloom
Why is everyone looking at me?
Really?
Oh alright, if it will get you to stop staring.
*Exhales a noxious, corrosive miasma*
There, you happy now?
9573383
VOMIT FOR THE VOMIT GOD! BILE FOR THE BILE THRONE!!!
9573341
This is Snails we're talking about, remember?
9573604
Point taken.
For the record, I recognized that Trauma Center reference. Dr. DS was a bit of a giveaway.
Heh. If the League of Sweetie Belles have been through, Nurgle might even be able to accept that offering.
Not the best chapter to read during lunch, but still a fun slice of unlife. Thank you for it.
Oh. For a second we though Snails had a thing.... Well.
I'm kinda wondering why they didn't just behead Applebloom first, would have saved them a lot of time with only her head to reassemble.
It makes sense. Changlings are able to produce that weird slime, their ability to produce liquids in general is probably vastly greater than a pony. A changling with a cold probably buys their tissue in bulk.
Poor Babs. Doggie treats in your lunch bag and doing that when she goes to school? Asking for the werewolf rumors to spread.
9574436
at least they gave up the vampire idea...honestly im amazed she hasnt just said 'fuck it' and gone out to ask some supernatural being to turn her just to be over and done with it...would have to be something that can still reproduce and a curse that isnt herditary...so not vampirim, lycanthropy depending on the varient can either be specific to the host or genetic...so that might work...could also become a were bat like flutershy, that would make being the mother of thestrals more easy to understand.
The name gave me a pause, but the past experiences was to much they even my "didn't very recognise references" self got it straight away.
Well I pretty much already book my seat in Hell, so I have no qualms laughing all through this chapter.
I'm not a fan of gore, but I do appreciate dark humour.
9574541
Have you ever seen the live action Grinch with the razor as a gift as a result of bullying? Babs might deal with that...
Which I realize could be counted towards canon-wise as to why she has her cutie mark. >>
9575991
if you belive the religikous nut jobs all the fun people are going to hell anyway.
9573846 There is only one best Trauma Center parody, though...
Grumble... missed this one:
"Oh
“She pulled out a pair if binoculars and peered out towards town hall.”
Uh, not to sound pompous, but I think you mean a pair ‘of’ binoculars.
Welp, I stand corrected. I am very pleased to know that quite a few people actually recognized Trauma Center. Cookies for everyone!
9572873
Apple Bloom's "core" is her soul, which like most undead souls in fiction, tends to cling to whatever part of her is most convenient for the story at the time.
9572879
Well, not that line in particular, but yes.
9572987
Well, Apple Bloom did warn you that it wasn't going to be pretty. Hope it wasn't too gross for you.
9573001
9573278
Apple Bloom can regenerate, but it's never been specified how effective this is, or how long it would take to pull herself together on her own. That said, it is suggested that at her age it's not much to write home about.
9573846
Well, I am still considering whether to make that LSB chapter canon, so it's not entirely off the table...
9574359
Same reason they didn't take out her bow first. Hindsight is 20:20.
9578682
9578820
Fixed.
Illuminati virus confirmed.
I think this needs a Gore tag just from how much Scootaloo was vomiting. I mean, I know she doesn't do well with gore. But I'm concerned for her health with that amount of vomit. Changeling or not, how can her stomach hold that much bile?
Omg, that was a trauma center REFERENCE!!!!
... Is it bad that i kinda want the cmc to dress as a tyranid, a necron, and a nurgling for nightmare night now?
Loving this story so far! Though I feel bad for poor Scootaloo. You'd think someone would have the presence of mind to tell her to go wait at the house or do some repair work. There's not much reason for her to stick around. The humor of it started wearing thin for me. I'm surprised she didn't stay home another day to recover her fluids and eat something.
Hoping to see more soon! Keep up the good work!
GRANDPA NURGLE IS PLEASED WITH YOUR OFFERINGS AND "REQUESTS" MORE!!
What would she do? Turn into an werewolf and eat her to prove her wrong?
9614340
Agreed I know in a lot of ways Scootaloo is kinda like a mini Rainbow Dash, but seriously, was she afraid that her friends would think less of her if she didn't stick around no matter what? On one hand/hoof it is kind of endearing that she was willing to sacrifice her own comfort for the sake of her friends, but on the other hand/hoof it shows a mile-wide stubborn streak as well as a long ways to go in the maturity department that she thinks so little of the friends who swore to stick by each other's sides through thick and thin. Loyalty is not a one way policy and you can be loyal to someone even if you're not at their side 24/7/365 (or Equestrian equivalent).
Darkness Infused Enhanced Detection...
DIED....
...
GET OUT...
This was disgusting as all Tartarus and I respect that. You've got some serious guts for writing this (pun totally intended
)
Why must so many of my favorite franchises be so dang obscure?
As a enjoyer of space engineers, I understand being part of a obscure franchise (to anyone but there fans of course)
Poor Apple Bloom 😔
Dr. Direct Stylus is definitely a Trauma Center reference, right?
40K référence lol