Chapter 12.5 Anything that can go wrong...
There were three opinions ponies tended to have about Murphy Law. Those who only heard of him knew he was a rather infamous lawyer. Those who met him tended to feel their lives were that much more pleasant before having done so. And then there were those who considered him to be Faust’s own gift to the world. Once he had the chance to prove himself, the masses would sing his praise and glory.
This third opinion was held by a single pony: Murphy Law himself, as even his own mother had accepted that she must have been one of the worst parents in history for her child to grow up into Murphy Law.
Heck, Murphy Law was still the only citizen of Ponyville that Pinkie didn’t throw a welcome-to-Ponyville party for. When asked about this, Pinkie would only declare him “a waste of a perfectly good party.” Murphy Law considered this a badge of honor.
And all of that failed to take into account the fact that wherever Murphy went, bad things tended to happen to those around him. Murphy always denied it existed, and while many a vengeance seeking pony (and griffon) had tried to prove this aura of misfortune’s existence to get the stallion arrested, nothing had stuck yet. Unfortunately.
Officially, Murphy lived in Ponyville as the town’s sole practicing attorney. It wasn’t because he felt business was good in the area, but because of how little effort the job actually required. As a result of him being the only local representative attorney, the number of ponies willing to take petty grievances to court dropped significantly. This was the only reason the mayor hired him in the first place.
But Murphy Law didn’t just work for Ponyville. If anyone was unwise or uniformed enough to seek his service, his door was always open. Well, for a sizable fee of course.
“Alright Miss… Polomare. You have a grievance with one... Rarity?” said Murphy Law as he looked over the paperwork.
“That’s right. She did me dirty, and I want compensation for it, ‘kay?” said Suri Polomare.
“Hm… stealing designs, and use of a material you invented? I would say there’s grounds for a lawsuit here, if it weren’t for the fact you never filed a patent for either. In fact, from this ‘evidence’ you’ve provided, I can’t help but suspect that if Rarity had filed for the patents before entering that contest, your flank would have been sued to the Crystal Empire and back,” said Murphy Law.
“But she didn’t. Nopony can prove she designed them first, and I’m hiring you to spin it so that I get some of that glory for myself, ‘kay?” said Suri.
“Spin it? I may be good at my job, but I can’t squeeze water from a rock. Even assuming Rarity hasn’t filled those patents since the incident, you really have no ground to stand on. The most I can claim is slander after the contest, and unless she’s been going around spreading lies I don’t have anything there, either,” said Murphy Law.
“Oh for the love of… you’re just like every other lawyer I’ve spoken with! ‘Technically’ this and ‘unreasonable’ that! It’s your job to twist the law in a way that benefits me! I’m paying you to make something of it! Now help me sue that ***** or I’m taking my money and leaving!” cried Suri.
Murphy Law permitted himself a chuckle. He had her now.
“Really? You came all the way to the hometown of the pony you want to sue just to hire me on a whim? No, you came here because you need the best pony for the job, and if I can’t do it, nopony can,” said Murphy Law.
“Best? Please, I just came here because no lawyer in Manehattan was willing to take my case. Or Canterlot, or Trottingham, or anywhere else. You’re my last resort, pal. Don’t think I’m here because I want to, ‘kay?” said Suri with a snort.
“Well, regardless of your inability to recognize true talent, the fact remains that I’m your only option. Now do you want to file that lawsuit or not?” asked Murphy.
“Depends. You gonna make sure I win?” asked Suri.
“Give me more details, and I’ll see if I have anything to work with,” answered Murphy.
As Suri began to rant about how much she hated Rarity, Murphy Law held back a grin. He’d managed to get the client blabbering so he could raise his consultation fee. Whether he took the case or not, this was going to be quite profitable.
But, all things considered, he probably would. If that bit about Suri’s assistant quitting because of Rarity was true, he might actually have a case here.
Fifteen minutes later, Suri walked out of Murphy Law’s office with a sneer on her face. It would be short lived, as she tripped and fell into a mud puddle. Alas, or perhaps fortunately, working with Murphy Law did nothing to protect one from the misfortune of his mere presence.
Murphy Law, to his credit, knew he was doomed the moment he stepped into the courtroom. But he was too professional to just bail out at the first sign of trouble. The fact that the only exit was blocked by his client, who was giving him an angry glare, had nothing to do with it. Absolutely nothing.
And Suri, to her credit, had enough self awareness from a lifetime of stealing others’ ideas to keep her angry rant to herself until they were seated. Unfortunately, she had plenty to rant about, and good reason to do so.
“Why didn’t you tell me that Rarity’s some big national hero?!” Suri whispered in an angry tone.
“How the hay did you not know that?” replied Murphy Law.
“I’m a busy mare! I can’t be bothered to learn every minor detail of Equestria,” said Suri.
“I’d think the current status of the pony you’re trying to sue wouldn't be considered minor,” snarked Murphy Law.
“How the buck was I supposed to know it would end up like this?! I’d never have tried to sue her if I knew it would lead us here!” said Suri.
Here being the royal courtroom. Celestia had ordered that, should any grievance be brought up against Equestria’s heroes, it would be trialed fairly under the most talented, strict, and perceptive judge in the nation: Karmic Justice.
Murphy had never met Justice, but he’d heard of her. And judging from the angry glare Justice was sending his way, she’d also heard of him. It was probably safe to say that many of his more… sly methods to win a case would not be viable this time.
“Well, we’re here now. Whining about how rigged the court is against us won’t solve anything,” replied Murphy Law.
“I know. How are we supposed to frame Rarity for anything with that vulture watching us?” asked Suri.
“That’s what you paid me to do. Now shut up, I need to put together a plan,” said Murphy Law.
Murphy looked over his documents. Plan A was now dead on arrival. A lesser, easily persuaded judge might fall for the “stole her assistant away from her” bit, but not a withered old stonewall like Justice. Especially considering Miss Pommel’s own testimony, whom Murphy would not be able to prevent from speaking. That just left Plan B, because a professional like him need not waste time planning beyond a single misstep.
A few minutes later the gallery finally filled up, and Justice banged her gavel.
“Court is now in session for Suri Polomare vs Rarity Belle. Have the defense and prosecution both prepared their arguments?” asked Karmic Justice.
“The defense is ready, your honor,” said the defence attorney with some stupid bird based name Murphy couldn’t have been bothered to learn.
“The prosecution is also ready, your most honorable, and beautiful, ladyship,” said Murphy Law.
“If that was an attempt at flattery, kindly save your breath and the court’s time. Now please present your case,” ordered Karmic Justice.
Though a little thrown off by Justice’s scolding, Murphy Law cleared his throat and adjusted his tie. Time for him to utilize one the most genuine and versatile tools in a lawyer’s arsenal: If you had nothing solid to present, make stuff up until something stuck.
“Well, first of all your honor…”
One hour later…
“...indeed, one cannot ignore the facts. There is simply nothing to debate!” declared Murphy Law.
He paused to take a sip of water. As he did, he peeked at his audience. The crowd was speechless, staring at him in total amazement. Victory was certain to be his. He finished his drink, cleared his throat, and continued.
“Why, it would completely idiotic to…”
Another hour later...
“...which, when one takes into consideration the circumstances, cannot be denied to…”
One more hour, twelve minutes, and twenty-seven seconds later...
“...and in conclusion, my client feels that this behavior was unacceptable and expects to be compensated accordingly,” finished Murphy Law.
It must have been one of his greatest performances. The entire courtroom was silent for several minutes as the crowd looked at him in awe. Indeed, even Rarity had her face buried in her hooves, shaking uncontrollably.
“Well, I must say, this is certainly a novel experience for me,” said Karmic Justice.
Murphy Law looked towards the judge with a confident smirk. The smirk did not last long when he noticed her deadpan glare.
“I never would have thought I’d witness such utter incompetence in my courtroom, but I suppose we do live in interesting times. If a few more Princesses can become part of our fair nation, I must be willing to accept that such stupidity is capable of making it’s way this far through the legal system. Indeed, what I just heard was the most pointless stack of drivel I’ve ever heard in my entire career,” declared Justice.
Murphy Law would later deny that he’d blushed in embarrassment upon hearing this. The photos in the newspapers were clearly edited to slander him.
“Not a single sentence in your needlessly lengthy presentation was even remotely relevant to the matter at hoof. Everypony in this courtroom is now dumber from having listened to it. I will not regard any of your rambling nonsense to be worth taking into even the slightest consideration for this case. And if that is truly all you have to present, then I must ask Celestia to have mercy upon your poor, pitiful soul, for I have none to spare,” said Justice.
At this point, Rarity lost control and started laughing hysterically. Justice gave her an annoyed look, but waited patiently for her to finish. A bit unprofessional perhaps, but even Justice could admit this sort of insanity certainly merited such a reaction. Suri, meanwhile, was also losing her composition. Her face had turned a rather fetching shade of red as her anger started to boil over.
“So, I must ask again: do you have anything of relevance to this case to present to this court? Anything at all?” asked Justice.
Murphy Law was silent for a moment, took the opportunity to flip through his documents one last time, then turned toward Suri and shrugged.
“Eh, can’t win them all,” he declared.
Murphy Law was Faust’s own gift to the world. He knew this beyond a doubt, and just needed to prove it. The fact that he’d never had a repeat customer in his life meant nothing. The argument that almost every client he’d represented had threatened to sue him after the trial meant even less. After all, none of them had actually sued him. The little detail that his clients never had the money for a second lawsuit after his subpar and overpriced performances was irrelevant to this fact.
The “contempt of court” charge, however, was a little harder to ignore.
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The lawyer that Suri deserves.
I love seeing Murphy get his shit wrecked.
You can tell he actually is quite good as a lawyer, he just doesn't put any actual effort in doing his job.
And seeing Suri unaware of Rarity being a National Hero is completely believable.
Overall 2 different kinds of idiot getting a little bit of comeuppance.
oh shit, this fanfic is back!
Back to reading a hilarious story about the weirdest, and most amusing version of the CMC trio in fanfiction
Albeit can't help but dread it may be an Aprils fools joke
Phoenix Wright ref!
And he didn't have to do anything!
----
Mmm.
How much money does he have stashed away? I guess that's how he stays alive?
----
Typo:
arsenal
And here I thought he was gonna try and set fire to the room. Hehe. Arson.
The one time I don’t dispise him
Unusual lives, indeed.
Nice to see the one good Sweetie Bot fic is still alive.
Yay. An update today that isn't just a stupid prank. And it's the return of a story I enjoy. Hope you've been doing well
You forgot to mention his ridiculous-looking manestyle. Also, y'know, probably overkill for anything where only money was at stake.
It lives!
Glad to see this story isn't dead :)
10750872
The date makes this comment excessively funny.
Ain’t that the truth...
Why does everyone but me care about the corona virus. I find it extremely annoying that people try and stop the spread of an airborne virus that cant be cured atm by doing things for contact spreading viruses. its a good thing it cant be cured atm the planet gets its overpopulation problem cut way down and yes its sad if someone that is important dies (not trump though he can die in a hellfire for all I care).sorry if its a rant that has nothing to do with the story the authors notes just reminded me of the stupid virus that is making it where no one in the world can do what they used to do without fear of getting sick and dieing
(Billy Madison - I award you no points)
Good to see it back, I was a little worried given the past year. It's sad to think that some stories may never be finished because of some unforeseen event.
Good luck and healthy life to everypony!
That, moron, would be on you.
Phoenix Wright. Murphy doesn't stand a chance.
Wow, a variation on the Ultimate Insult. Good on.
Hey man, it's been a rough time. It's all good.
I love this chapter because it's a chapter that can be taken seriously (sort of), but it still feels like an April Fool's chapter.
10750579
There's plenty of good Sweetie Bot fics out there. Granted, most of them were never finished. But one that was finished and was exceptionally good in my opinion (aside from some grammar errors as the result of the English not being the writer's first language) is Sweetie Bot - A Heart's Warming Tale.
10750972
Oh, so we don't have a vaccine currently being produced by 3 companies for USA distribution? So all Americans won't be eligible for a vaccine by May 1st? Sure, it's not a cure for after you've already caught Covid19. But it does immunize against Covid19. That's what vaccines do. And Corona Virus has been around for a long time. It's actually the 2nd leading cause of the common cold. So getting this vaccine will be a partial cure for the common cold.
Given that they met in the Ponyville Knitters League, it's also Suri's hometown, but I can see how that detail might have gotten lost in the anti-Rarity tirade.
But yeah, this wasn't going to go well for anypony on the prosecution. Murphy's lucky that he didn't get disbarred. (Though knowing him, he'd probably keep that detail to himself.)
Wonderful to see more URBC. Looking forward to more.
10750713
I can only assume that his aura of personal misfortune managed to resonate with Murphy's outwardly oriented one in such a way as to cancel both. His assistant wasn't framed for a murder this time!
Pfft, 'Aura of Misfortune' nothing, Pinkie just knows a sleezy lawyer when she sees one and treated him accordingly.
The justice system in a nutshell.
10750972
Ok, I just posted something to you and tried to edit, accidentally deleted it. -_- lets try this again:
The reason that people aren’t taking this with the same seriousness as you are is that much of the fear generated from this pandemic is about as natural as AstroTurf, or Biden’s hair plugs, take your pick. Much of the fear mongering in the beginning was mostly political in nature, and while it was seen as a good idea at the time, a couple months in it was pretty clear that the lockdowns were doing nothing to stop the spread of the virus, and to date we have over 25 studies that have supported this claim. Despite all that, several governors and representatives ignore this and double down on these lockdowns, despite the fact that doing so was essentially a knife buried cleanly in between the shoulder blades of both their political career and their public image (I.e. Andrew Cuomo, Gretchen Whittmer, Gavin Newsom, etc.). To say nothing about all the negative side effects from these lockdowns
Look, I’m not saying that we shouldn’t have taken it seriously from the start, far from it. But we have taken it TOO seriously, and in doing so have created far worse long term problems trying to find a short solution, and the fact that those in charge still want to further implement even more draconian restrictions in spite of the evidence is at best negligible, and at worst criminal.
As an aside, I kinda find it hypocritical of you to follow a statement about how a life is important, with “I hope this guy dies”.Not only does is show your bias, you negated your own statement in the process. And before you say it, I personally am not one of those “Trump can do nothing wrong” types, but despite what the media had said the past 4 years trump’s term did have a lot of good come out of it (record low unemployment across the board, especially in minority groups, average income of US families raised by $5000 (in perspective, Obama in both terms had only raised it $1000, while Bush before him $100), not to mention the trade deals he secured as a mediator between Israel and several Middle Eastern countries, that if done right could lead to Peace in the Middle East, as well as having done something similar with North and South Korea). Look, I’m not saying to kiss the ground he walks on, or declaring him the next god-emperor of the US, but I’m just saying give credit where credit is due.
And there it is, re-writing another novel of a post because I had accidentally deleted the original -_-
Also, please don’t take this to heart, I wasn’t trying to say that you're wrong, I’m just trying to give you another perspective. Like I said, I don’t think that trump can do nothing wrong, but in all honesty I just think that people just take it too far on BOTH sides of the political spectrum. He isn’t the second coming, but at the same time he ain’t the devil reincarnated either. He’s just some guy.
If you have read up to this point, that you for taking the time to read this light novel of a comment, and I hope you have a wonderful day!!! :D
Such is the nature of the Chewbacca defense.
Almost a year, damn I honestly forgot about this story.
Hiring Phoenix was a god level overkill for this case.
What is this project of yours? Is it available? And if yes where I can read it?
Alondro walks up and just stabs Murphy Law with a giant friggin anime sword.
Murphy chokes on his own blood as he dies, "Nani?! B-bakana! How could you pierce my armor of misfortune?!"
Alondro turns away in disgust, "Baka... I'm from New Jersey."
Murphy coughs weakly, "Dammit... the one place worse than me..." He dies as Alondro walks off into the sunset with his bandana waving in the breeze.
10754271
*somber harmonica music plays in the background*
Phase sixteen complete. Now we just need him to represent himself and the world may become ever harmonious!
10750402
Well, he IS technically a government worker. Also, fixed.
10752565
It's less of big project and more of a personal writing experience between me and a friend. It's not available yet, and I'm not sure when it will be.
Love the Billy Madison reference
Phoenix Wright and Billy Madison reference? Awesome.