• Published 12th Jan 2019
  • 4,374 Views, 84 Comments

Twilight Sparkle vs Ponyville - deadpansnarker



Princess Twilight Sparkle wakes up early one morning, stretches, then decides to destroy Ponyville. As you do.

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Emergency! Alicorn At Four O'Clock!

Ponyville is under attack!

Run for your lives, mares and gentlecolts!

...Okay, so maybe this isn't the first time the town has been under dire threat. Or even, the second and third.

Truth be told, it's almost become an annual tradition that some unscrupulous mega-fiend would mosey in to try and conquer this seemingly insignificant hamlet.

You might think if it didn't happen this way, the local citizenry would be checking their watches and calendars, that something had gone awry with the schedule.

And even when said preening overlord invaded, with impossible plans aplenty and an e-v-i-l laugh to boot, life would quickly return to normal and the experience would later amount to a mere hoofnote in history.

Why? Well, look no further than the ongoing vigilance and tireless public service of Princess Twilight Sparkle and her friends!

With the elements of Magic, Loyalty, Laughter, Genorosity, Kindness and Honesty on their side, and the more-than-adequate support of the fully reformed Starlight Glimmer and Spike The Magnificent (his humble self-chosen alias), justice shall always prevail!

The bad guys may as well pack away their twirling moustaches and top hats right now, because as long as this studious alicorn and her crew are on the case, nothing shall overcome the forces of good and righteousness!

It's an impossible task! Preposterous! It simply can't be done!

...Erm, we might have a bit of a problem on our hooves, everypony.

For look up yonder, to see the shocking identity of the latest danger to impose itself against the tranquility of this hallowed region.

Two wings. Four legs. One horn (extra long)...

...And a big egghead brain.

Yep, you guessed it. The day we all dreaded is finally here. The Worst. Possible. Thing has literally arrived on our doorstep (apart from unrequested junk mail).

It's time to start panicking everypony, this time for realsies.

For one of our own has turned against us. The mare we thought we knew, we didn't actually know that well at all. This turncoat, this wretch, this vile lavender betrayer has seen fit to lay waste to everything she helped build. And it stinks.

Why? We do not know, and quite frankly at this stage it matters not. All we can do, as we huddle in fear at the scenes of unparalleled destruction unfolding before us, is hope for a miracle. PLEASE, SOMEPONY, ANYPONY, HELP US...

"You talk too much." A ruthless Twilight snarled from the air, as she roasted the narrator with one single blast of powerful magic. "I can describe everything accurately enough without your endless wittering to distract me, thank you. Now, where was I..."

Townsponies galloping around bopping heads everywhere in abject terror? Check.

Widespread property damage? Check.

The successful subjugation of all my former friends? Check.

Cutting of all lines of communication to Canterlot and the Crystal Empire? Check.

A packed lunch consisting of cucumber sandwiches, croutons and an apple? Check, and mate.

"In fact, that reminds me..." Twilight almost kicked herself for forgetting, as her mental checklist was completed. "Sweet Apple Acres, you're the next to go! I remember the time I worked on you for a day whilst Applejack was at the spa, and it was not a pleasant experience! I was too tired to even study afterwards, and it took me all night to scrub that pig dung out of my mane! Take that!"

Not giving a hoot whether any stray Apple family members remained in the general area, Twilight simply torched the farm to the ground, outhouse and all. Then, after nonchalantly turning away from the smouldering remains, she began randomly blowing up other locales in town, which had presumably offended her delicate sensibilities in one way or another.

"Sugarcube Corner? You gave me that filling a few years ago. And I hate the dentist! It's been sweet, but you gotta go!" ZAP!

"Fluttershy's Cottage? Block me from having a decent view of The Everfree Forest from the horizon, would you? Say goodnight, you dirty animals!" BANG!!

"Rainbow Dash's Cloudominium? You're a blot on the skyscape too, when I want a panoramic perspective. Time to disappear into a puff of smoke!" SHAZAM!!!

"Carousel Boutique? You never once got my measurements right since my ascension into godhood! I'm a few inches taller now, stupid! You're out of business... for good!" BAM!!!!

"School Of Friendship? It took me months to get you started, and I'm extremely proud of all the students that've graduated from you. But, your coffee is terrible, and that's a sin I just can't forgive. Class is dismissed... forever!" BOOM!!!!

"Castle Of Friendship? ...I think i always preferred the tree. Farewell." CONFRINGO!!!!!!

Just about out of power (and punchlines) after utterly destroying her old homestead, Twilight postponed her trail of annihilation temporarily to gaze in admiration at her hoofiwork so far.

All around her, complete chaos reigned, to a degree which even Discord might've found excessive.

The countless fires and hysterical locals however, were a far cry from mere cotton candy clouds and chocolate rain. Also, for all his natural malevolence, the crafty draconequus never actually looked to disintegrate an entire town full of ponies...

...The very next item on Twilight's agenda, just as soon as she recovered her strength.

"Twilight Sparkle, stop this madness at once!" As if by magic, the majestic figure of Celestia torpedoed out of nowhere suddenly, casting a large shadow on the burning wreck of the town and giving her old student the most baleful of stares.

"What the?! Celestia... but I thought I took care of you already!" The previously unassailable Twilight raised a petulant eyebrow at the possibility of her brilliant plans hitting a slight snag.

"The jokes on you, O vile backstabber! In your shortsightedness, it was the cherry cheesecake you poisoned! Don't you know I always have a nice moist sponge on a Tuesday afternoon?! Your lack of foresight shall cost you dear, for now you shall pay for the death of my sister and... why are you crying?"

"Oh, I should've known better than try to outwit the calibre of opposition such as you." All the grandiosity and smugness had apparently left Twilight's tremor, and now she hung defeated with her head bowed low in the presence of Her Majesty. "I give up. You got me. I may not ever be able to make amends for the many atrocities I've perpetuated, but could I at least get a fair trial?"

"I promise that by surrendering now, you will be dealt with all the fairness and equality that the Equestrian legal system can muster." Celestia nodded her head brusquely, as her regal mane blew gently in the breeze. "But your multiple crimes are truly abhorrent, not to mention completely baffling. Tell me, Twilight Sparkle, what drove such a formerly respectable mare into the depths of such despicable depravity? If you can tell me this, maybe I could begin to understand your actions more."

"I-I can't say at this moment in time, it's too complicated. A-All I know is right now, I-I need a hug from an old friend. D-Do you mind? T-Then, I'll follow you anywhere. C-Could you do this small favour for me, my queen?"

"Well..." As much as Celestia would've liked to arrest and imprison the pathetically snivelling figure in front of her there and then, an old feeling of familiarity twanged an emotion inside her heart. "...Okay then. Just bear in mind that regardless of your former services to the Crown, the future punishment for you will be most severe. After all, multiple murders and wanton carnage cannot simply be remedied by a simple slap on the hoof, and... T-Twilight Sparkle, I-I don't feel so good.... AARRGH!!"

"I knew your perplexing penchant for 'mercy' would prove to be your downfall one day." Twilight sneered sadistically, as she blew up her mentor into a squillion microscopic pieces with an almighty blast at close range. "Now, who's next? Shall I start disintegrating ponies indiscriminately? Should we draw lots? Eeny Meeny Miney Mo, perhaps? Or a pop quiz... with the winner dying last? What do ya think?"

And it was as the survivors trembled together in despair and pain, as a smirking Twilight rapidly descended through plumes of smoke and decay, that the final resolution was made...

.............................................

"Okay Ms Sparkle, I think that's enough for our session today."

"Aw, no fair! Just when I thought I was starting to make some progress!" Twilight deposited the miniature figurines of herself and Celestia back into the model replica of Ponyville, to glance apprehensively at her psychologist. "You know, Leather Couch, that I could never do anything like this in real life. It's just a simple coping mechanism for cooling off, to help me with the never-ending strain of running a school full of demanding children, protecting a world which is always in peril, looking after a sarcastic dragon and dealing with the fact I've now read nearly every book in Equestria. You don't think I'm dangerous, do you?"

"No, not at all. Not at all." Leather Couch gently guided his illustrious client out of his office. "Now, why don't you trot along? We can discuss the finer points of your long-suppressed minor hostility towards others next time around. My secretary will give you your paperwork on the way out. Oh, Nail Polish..."

"Well, as long as you're sure! Till my next appointment, then..." Twilight walked past the waiting area on her way outside, as the secretary took her place in the doctor's room.

"What can I do for you, Sir?"

"Inform my employers I'd like to take my vacation time now, please."

"Certainly! How long shall I say you're going away for?"

"Forever. The market for vicious beast trainers In Tartarus is ever-expanding, after all. At my age, I could do with a safer job..."

Author's Note:

Hope you enjoyed it. Don't forget to comment. :scootangel:

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Comments ( 84 )

Seems like Leather Couch isn't the right one for this job. Shoulda gone with Dr. Wolf.

Well, this has been an interesting piece of ‘What the hay did I just read?’ Loving the little remarks here and there, as well as the general idea—truth be told, I can imagine it’s not that far from reality of many stressed people.

Good story, and i can really relate to Twilight in this instance:ajsmug:

But really if Twilight ever did go crazy Discord could take her down pretty quickly just by taking away her horn and Wings

At least Twilight doesn't bottle up her stress and frustration like Starlight did that one time. There's not enough bottles in all of Equestria.

I adore it. 10/10

9399180
He wasn't available. Fully booked, as you'd expect... :pinkiesad2:


9399181
I think it's a very relatable mindset, yes. Though, hopefully not to this extent... :unsuresweetie:


9399188
Let's hope it never comes to that. :rainbowderp:


9399199
Yep. And imagine if somepony dropped them... it would make the events of this fic look like a cakewalk... :pinkiegasp:


9399201
Thank you. :raritystarry:

9399209
Indeed, we've seen what crazy Twilight looks like and its a side of her I'd never want to see be fulled by powerful Alicorn magic

Twilight on being told she has a new therapist: “Eighth change this month, I’m beginning to question the mental stability of the psychology department of SGU.”

Dab memes to it, and i'm good to read!

And if anyone tells her that her actions are wrong or stupid, all Twilight has to do is, y'know,

Dab on them haters.

I forgot to comment.

"Castle Of Friendship? ...I think i always preferred the tree. Farewell." CONFRINGO !!!!!!

You couldn’t resist using something from Harry Potter could you?

9399511
You have now though, so it's alright. :twilightsheepish:


9399511
I have been know to insert a few references in my stories... :duck:

Which is worse, Twilight fantasizing about a rampage of apocalyptic proportion or knowing who she is that she’s run the numbers and this is all too plausible... Great read and sweet slingers from Twilight. Nothing like a good ol’ Overpow-light to satisfy one’s desires.

:ajbemused: What set her off this time?
:fluttershysad: She walked in on Spike and Rarity in the Janitors Closet
:rainbowhuh: Then she walked in on Fluttershy and Discord
:pinkiegasp: Then the students
:duck: "Twilight, If I told you once I've told you a thousand times" :moustache: "Just go out and meet somepony"
:derpytongue2: Somepony to love
:ajsmug: Don't tell me about it, I have a farm to run :pinkiehappy: Where's it running to?
:trollestia: As usual I don't do anything for my little ponies
:facehoof:

Have not seen a fic like this before...
I approve, is good!

9399588
:rainbowwild:


9399679
Thank you for reading, and glad you enjoyed it. :twistnerd:

Ha! This is so much more relatable than I'd like to admit!

This was funny :pinkiehappy:

I don't know why I go to extremes.

Too high or too low there ain't no in-betweens
And if I stand or I fall
It's all or nothing at all
Darling I don't know why I got to extremes

Why? We do not know, and quite frankly at this stage it matters not. All we can do, as we huddle in fear at the scenes of unparalleled destruction unfolding before us, is hope for a miracle. PLEASE, SOMEPONY, ANYPONY, HELP US ...

The narrator sounds like Rarity, with a dash of Pinkie Pie.

"You talk too much." A ruthless Twilight snarled from the air, as she roasted the narrator with one single blast of powerful magic. "I can describe everything accurately enough without your endless wittering to distract me, thank you. Now, where was I..."

Oh no, Twilight has absorbed Pinkie Pie!

Townsponies galloping around bopping heads everywhere in abject terror? Check.

Widespread property damage? Check.

The successful subjugation of all my former friends? Check.

Cutting of all lines of communication to Canterlot and the Crystal Empire? Check.

A packed lunch consisting of cucumber sandwiches, croutons and an apple? Check, and mate.

Of course, there's a checklist for causing the Apocalypse.

"Okay Ms Sparkle, I think that's enough for our session today."

I have to admit, while I knew this was going for a twist, I didn't see where the twist was going.


9399213
Unless Plot Convenience intervened in the form of Plot Armor for Twilight, in which case Discord would need a Plot Weapon to even scratch Twilight.

that was ill advised twily

That made my brain squirt.

Ponyville goes through psychologists the same way a machine gun goes through bullets.

A very funny ending.

It look me months to get you started

took

Just when I was thought I was starting

Remove

9400233
Thanks for the thorough review. :scootangel:


9400629
It's a lucrative profession alright... with more than a few strings attached. :unsuresweetie:


9400759
That was the intent. :rainbowkiss:


9400762
Fixed. :rainbowdetermined2:

9400771
Heh, you're welcome.

To be honest, though, I was scrubbing my head for something remotely interesting to say about the parts that interested me – I wasn't much in a mood to think at the time. On the other hand, sometimes I'd have something to say about every little bit, and I'd be trying to hold back my urge to comment.

“Take that, bowling alley! Take that, Hay Burger! Take that, Rare Book St-oh, fiddlesticks....”

theshirtlist.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/10/The-Postal-Dude-and-Champ.jpg

You probably thought you weren't goin' to die today? Surprise!

Please don't think I'm a bigot, I kill races equally...

This was fun, really fun. But this needed heaping amounts of unnecessary :pinkiecrazy:gore:pinkiecrazy: to truly hit my top shelf. So just take a favorite instead.

9400800
How would ponies bowl, that's what I'd want to know. Well, considering they can do almost everything else with their hooves, I suppose anything's possible... :applejackunsure:


9401317
I tried to keep things relatively light, to earn an E rating so everyone could read it. I would hope that Twi's imagination wasn't that febrile, either. But thanks a lot for reading. :scootangel:

9401328
I take it you didn't watch Season 5 Episode 9? XD There's a bowling alley.

9401365
I vaguely remember something like that (it's been a while since I saw the episode), but I can't remember how they actually bowled. Was there one giant hole in the ball, or did they just toss it down the lane?

This is horrible...

I like it. :pinkiecrazy:

9401629
:pinkiehappy: Oh silly, I'm not insane! And I definitely don't make cupcakes out of intestines!

Somepony should recommend she talk to Sunset.

Either her past as a recovering supervillainess lets her help Twilight deal with all that repressed aggression she's feeling,
or else they end up commiserating and the next thing you know Sunset's wearing something skimpy and helping Twilight destroy the world as her sexy and evil Dark Consort.

Ya know, one of the two.

Your story currently is on the featured page and has almost the same number of views as words.

9402402
I know. Thanks everyone! :pinkiehappy:


9402388
If someone wants to think of either of these scenarios as a possible epilogue, they're more than welcome to. :scootangel:

9402412

"I simply couldn't justify taking that sort of risk, no matter how much Twilight needs help. Which is why I need to hide out at your place until she goes back to Equestria!" Sunset proclaimed, giving Applejack a pleading grin.

"Uh huh," an unimpressed AJ flatly stated. "So, purely as a matter of curiosity, exactly how many times have ya fantasized about dressing up all skimpy-like and helping Twilight take over the world as her, quote, 'sexy and evil Dark Consort'?"

"...eheh."

With the elements of Magic, Loyalty, Harmony, Courage, Kindness and Honesty

Since when are harmony and courage elements?
How can harmony be an element of itself?
Why does the psychologist consider being a beast trainer in Tartarus a safer job than being a psychologist?
Why is twilight's coping mechanism mindless violence?
Why would her coping mechanism involve killing her idol?
Will I ever stop asking questions and just go on with my life?
Seriously, I should probably stop asking questi-

9402746
To end any confusion, I’ve edited the Elements section. And there’s nothing wrong with an enquiring mind. In a surreal comedy though, some things needn’t be taken so seriously... :raritywink:

"Forever. The market for vicious beast trainers In Tartarus is ever-expanding, after all. At my age, I could do with a safer job..."

So he considers training vicious beasts from Hell a safer job than dealing with a slightly deranged unicorn?:applejackunsure:

:rainbowderp:

... Nice choice, if i do say so myself.:pinkiecrazy:

9402970
Alicorn, and I think she’d prefer the term ‘a bit neurotic’ (and with her workload, who can blame her), but that’s about the gist of it. :moustache:

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