Oh no, they're Goddesses now!

by James Pwyll

A Very Bad Choice

"I say, my dear brother."

"Yes, Flim? What's on your mind?"

"Well, Flam, far be it from me to question your choices in life, but are you certain that this is a good choice for you? I mean, there are plenty of fish in the sea after all."

Flam chuckled, patting his brother on the shoulder.

"Oh, Flim. Dear brother, I love you so, but surely there is no doubt as to what a magnificent plan this is!"

He held him close, stretching out his free hand as he was visualising his plan.

"You and I are fine, upstanding gentlemen, and such spiffy fellows require some worthy companionship. We can't spend the rest of our lives just with each other, now can we?"

Flim shook his head, allowing Flam to continue.

"So, our only recourse is to seek out some worthy partners. And after much consideration, I have decided that there is only one sweet lady worthy of my attention!"

He let go of his brother, stepping forward and striking a triumphant pose, his hand pointing out to the horizon.

"My soon-to-be wife shall be none other than Lady Radiant! Queen of the Underworld! One of the fairest maidens in the land!"

The confidence his brother was displaying was practically infectious, and it wasn't long before Flim stood alongside him, hands on hips, sharing in that look of triumph.

"Bully, old boy! I'm with you! Let's go and get this pretty little thing for you! Nothing but the best for our family, right?"

Flam chortled.

"Agreed, brother! After all, if you get to have a Princess as a wife, where could I possibly go but to a Goddess?"

Flim nodded, but then looked thoughtful.

"Yes...shame the girl was only twelve when I convinced her Father to let me wed her."

Flam looked to him slyly, giving him a nudge in the side.

"Hey, she won't be twelve forever, am I right?"

They shared a laugh so uncomfortable to listen to that even nearby rats were cringing and running away. But then they decided to focus on the task at hand. That being, that they would have to go to the Underworld to get Flam's prospective partner, and let's just say it wasn't usually the place that mortals tended to want to go. And none could blame them really, given that the entrance to the place was hardly inviting. It was little more than a massive dark cave, nestled at the base of one of the tallest mountains in the land. Shrouded by cold and mist, it looked about the least appealing place one could think of, made all the worse by the sound of screeching from nearby carrion birds in the dead trees that dotted the surrounding area. But the two brothers were undeterred, and looked on to it confidently. However, it wasn't long after setting foot within the cave for the first time that a rather obvious point began to take centre stage in Flim's mind.

"I say, brother. not to question this plan of ours...but there is the issue that Lady Radiant is...well...married already."

But Flam waved him off.

"Oh, think nothing of it. All we have to do is meet up with Lord Sombra, explain the situation..."

He smirked to his brother while adjusting his hat slightly.

"...all while being our usual, charming-beyond-belief selves, and tally-ho, we walk out there with the Lady of the Dead."

Flim nodded, still thinking.

"Yes...but there is the issue that, well, she's probably not a maiden right now, given how long they've been married."

Again, Flam was unbothered.

"Do try not to be so closed-minded, brother."

Flim hung his head for a time.

"Yes, yes, you're right. Wouldn't want to sound like an unpleasant fellow after all, yes?"

They shared a laugh together, and in all honesty, they needed the levity. For as they journeyed further and further into the cave, it became colder and darker, until they eventually reached the point where little of anything could be seen. Occasionally, they'd bump into a rock or even the wall of the tunnel, but they kept on going, apparently having lost all common sense on the way in. But there eventually came a point where Flim had to, at last, ask the question that really should've been asked by now.

"So...what do we do if Lord Sombra doesn't take kindly to your request?"

Flam shrugged.

"Same as I always do. Talk my way out of it."

Flim opened his mouth to counter that, only to be silenced when Flam raised a finger to him in an authoritative manner.

"Yes I do! Every time!"

"Oh you do, do you?"

The new voice caught them both off-guard, and their blood chilled to ice from the feel of it. Slowly, they turned, and there, not so far away, they could see a pair of piercing eyes looking back at them through the gloom. And those eyes did not belong to anyone their size, but to one who towered over, like a great beast. Before even another word was spoken, there was light, as torch after torch simultaneously lit themselves along the sides of the walls. Flim and Flam recoiled at the sight that now greeted them, for Lord Sombra himself, King of the Underworld, stood before them, arms folded, looking down with sternness.

"So...the brothers Flim and Flam. I must confess, I did not expect to see either of you in my domain for some years. To what do I owe this visit?"

Sure, planning to meet with the ruler of the dead all sounded good when it was all talk on the surface world, but actually being here, looking the guy in the eye, was something else altogether. Flam, despite his earlier bravado, soon gulped nervously, but nevertheless put on the salesman attitude he and his brother were so known for.

"Ah! My Lord Sombra! A fine day to meet such an esteemed member of the pantheon today!" he said with a sweeping bow.

Sombra raised an eyebrow.

"Yes, I imagine it would be a rather unique experience for you. But your politeness, though welcome, does not answer my question."

He leaned over closer to them.

"Why...are...you...here?"

They knew they would have little choice but to give an answer here, given how close the towering Lord seemed to now glare at them. But to their surprise, as well as their confusion, they now saw that he started to laugh. It was a full, hearty one too, and though taken aback by it, the brothers eventually joined in on said laughter, though it took a great deal of restraint to not wince when Sombra slapped his hand jovially on Flam's shoulder.

"Come now! What host would I be if I didn't offer my guests some refreshments?"

Stepping aside, the God revealed, to the brothers' surprise, a long table, covered from end to end in delicious and sumptuous-looking food. Meat, vegetables, fruits, anything tasty you could imagine, it was all there. The two salivated at the sight of it, wasting not a moment as they hurried to whatever the closest chair was. Sombra kept his wide smile, watching as the two began to gorge themselves on a particularly nice bit of chicken.

"Enjoying it?"

The brothers attempted to answer, but their mouths were so full right now that they could only give a muffled response, much to Sombra's amusement. The God walked along the table, standing just behind where the brothers were sitting, looking to each of them in turn before finally speaking again.

"It's been so long since we had visitors. Radiant often speaks of how bored she gets not having anyone besides the ghosts to talk to. And I hear you two are quite the conversationalists."

The brothers smiled to him, with Flam gulping down his mouthful to finally answer.

"Oh yes, my Lord! You won't find tongues more silver than ours, I say!"

Sombra chuckled.

"Indeed. I'm sure you think so, given you thought yourselves good enough to swindle my wife away from me."

"Haha! Right you are, Sir!" Flam responded.

Then, they stopped, for only now did they realise what it was they'd effectively confessed to. Instantly, they dropped whatever food they'd been holding, then slowly looked up to Sombra, who simply kept on smiling at them.

"I suggest you get comfortable, gentlemen..."

He tapped both chairs with his fingers, and in an instant, they came alive. And that was quite literally, for out of nowhere emerged a numerous variety of snakes of all shapes and sizes, each of which swiftly coiled around the limbs of the brothers, holding them firmly into their chairs, no matter how hard they struggled against it. Sombra, holding his own hands behind his back, began to casually stroll away.

"...because you'll be staying for quite some time."

Then, he paused, glancing back over his shoulder.

"If it makes you feel any better, Mr Flam, I respect your taste in women. Mine is not that different after all."

As the brothers watched their hugely-amused host disappear, Flim looked to his sibling, eyes narrowed, leading to another nervous chuckle on Flam's part.

"Well, on the plus side, I guess this does mean we spend the rest of our lives together."

Meanwhile, Sombra had returned to the side of his beloved wife, whom he now kissed tenderly upon the cheek. Radiant, smiling to this gesture, looked to him with curiosity.

"I take it they didn't enjoy your little surprise?"

Sombra cackled.

"Well, I know I certainly did!"

They shared a laugh, but when they finished, Radiant looked to him sternly.

"Oh! Don't forget to get that young Princess released back to her Father."

Sombra's face darkened.

"Oh, don't worry, I won't forget. I'll be sure to loom extra ominously around him until he goes to get her back."

He frowned as he looked back in the direction of the two brothers.

"I mean who schemes to get a child as their wife?! Honestly?!"

Comments

[Scholarly-Cimmerian]

Wow... Flim and Flam set a good standard for sheer brazen hubris in this chapter.

[A.P.O.N.I.]

I knew it sounded familiar.

[Twilight_Shimmer]

LOL this chapter was amusing as hell.

[DavisSentoV5]

I hate those 2 a lot

[ShadowLDrago]

"Oh, think nothing of it. All we have to do is meet up with Lord Sombra, explain the situation..."

He smirked to his brother while adjusting his hat slightly.

"...all while being our usual, charming-beyond-belief selves, and tally-ho, we walk out there with the Lady of the Dead."

(I like that Sombra is a case of Dark Is Not Evil here, he's sinister, ominous, menacing and to most people, terrifying, but he's for the most part a fairly decent guy. Not unlike Hades from the original mythos.)

[Hazey Logic]

9588995
If you didn't link that I would have.

[Bahamut Omega]

9589128
I knew as soon as Radiant was mentioned it was Theseus and Pirithous.

[ShadowLDrago]

9589176

While you're correct, I'm not sure why you're telling ME this.

[Comickook]

REALLY good job on this latest chapter. Yeah, the Brothers' egos DEFINITELY wrote a check they couldn't cash HERE. And, yeah, can't blame Sombra not just for his reaction to one of these bozos trying to woo his wife, but also one of them planning on courting a twelve year old. Indeed, the Flim Flams very certainly got an epic case of karma here. Then again, if these two were realistic enough to settle for good-looking, but unmarried adult women that they actually COULD successfully charm, we wouldn't have much of a story here.
'

Anyway, splendid work on the exchanges, characterization, humor and general chapter wrap-up in all the right places.

[RolkFlameraven]

9588995
How did I miss this myth all these years?!? And man, between the pomagrante and this, I guess the moral is, don't take any food he offers you.

You will be staying for a while if you do.

Though I still blame Demeter for being a helicopter parent more than I do Hades, for the pomagrante thing.

[A.P.O.N.I.]

9589413
Thus the implication that Persephone was just as happy to stay.

[FanOfMostEverything]

Sombra kept his wide smile, watching as the two began to gorge themselves on a particularly nice bit of chicken.

Welp. Enjoy your stay, gentlemen.

"Oh, don't worry, I won't forget. I'll be sure to loom extra ominously around him until he goes to get her back."

"Dear, ominous looming can't solve all your problems."
"I have yet to find proof of that."

In any case... yeah, can't say the brothers didn't deserve that. They're pretty much poster boys for hubris. Good to see them get their just desserts.

[Eroraf86]

I always knew Flim and Flam would go to Tartarus. I just didn't expect it to be quite like this. Regardless, I approve.

[Ri2]

9589253
While one could point out it wasn't uncommon to get engaged/married to very young kids in those days...yeah, screw Flim and Flam. They had this coming.

[Comickook]

9589464

Points taken all around. Though I bet Trixie could probably give the brothers pretty stiff competition in the hubris department. ESPECIALLY if she ACTUALLY WAS a demigoddess with illusion powers (i.e. her father Jack Pot is the God of Illusions and had a one-night stand with a mortal woman. Trixie was born as a result and inherited her father's illusion powers but her mother's mortality, which would make her a demigoddess).

[lilraindash]

9588995
I was just thinking of this!!

[Naturefang]

"My soon-to-be wife shall be none other than Lady Radiant! Queen of the Underworld! One of the fairest maidens in the land!"

Oh, I see, a Teseus and Pirithous parallel, except with two regular idiots instead of two idiots but one is a famous hero.