Luna and Twilight take a stroll in the gardens of Canterlot Castle, until the two eyes of twilight are bruised and have to wear a medical band in the eyes. Luna knew what had happened, thinking it was her fault, she became very emotional and sad.
Note: Twilight is a unicorn in this story.
link where I got the background: http://www.movieweb.me/twilight-sparkle-library-background.html
Twilight vector link: http://sulyo.deviantart.com/art/Twilight-Sparkle-320397233
Princess Luna vector link: https://www.deviantart.com/90sigma/art/Princess-Luna-Reflecting-2-341763341
Nightmare Moon vector link: https://www.deviantart.com/90sigma/art/Upset-Nightmare-Moon-Redux-375185142
Chapters (6)
Um i think the description needs a editor. Twilight’s eyes were bursed and were wearing scarfs?
Consider getting an editor for this, otherwise it seems a very promising story.
The story does look good. I agree that an editor would be helpful but I do have a question. Why would Luna take Twilight to the ponyville hospital several miles away when she is in canterlot? Wouldn't there be a hospital in the city or even a royal physician in the castle?
Ponyville hospital? why go all the way there, Canterlot would have a hospital and it's closer, and i would believe that the castle would have medical chambers, for the Royal guards
i am enjoying this X3
this needs to be rewritten, there where so many mistakes, and grammar mistakes
"Twilight to be with hurt eyes" makes it sounds more like an illness then hurting her eyes, it should be, "who hurt Twilight's eyes"?
"It’s my fault yes" it should be "yes it is, it's all my fault"
there are far more mistakes in this one then the other
i agree with bloodnekofox. i like the story though. and it's easier to understand thn the displace of 'greatest swordsman'
9396509
The “It’s my fault yes” part deal with it that is how Luna talks
9397435
that's not old English, and i don't reamer her ever saying yes like that
Hey there. Very promising start.
But as is stated by the others. An editor is needed. Untill you find someone I recommend reading your own work to your self out loud. It will help you find places where you repeat or where you are not clear. It also helps with your pacing and flow.
Use more description is my advice in general. Dont tell us they are in the garden. Show us the garden. An author is a painter of words.
They walked in the dark garden at night.
Vs
The two leisurely strolled along the dirt path. The silver light of the moon making the shadows dance amung the resting flower beds.
See? Same thing. One just paints a picture a little better.
Same goes for the characters. Dont tell us their emotions. Show us how they feel.
Luna stood in shock, paralized.
Vs
The sharp shock bolted through Luna rooting her in place.
See?
Just my advice though.
9396509
While I agree with you. Your wording could have been better.
As a rule of thumb when giving criticism it is good to say the good and the bad. Not just the bad. Its a good way to make sure feelings are not hurt and the message is more likely to be considered.
You're not one of those authors, right? The kind who never responds to comments?
9398289
i left two comments, one of them says I'm enjoying it, it's that not enough? I'm asking this because i am dyslexic, so i don't know if it is or not
9399278
My apologies. I didn’t see it. I would recommend starting with the good. But thats a personal preference on presentation.
I hadn’t seen the coment prior.
9399928
it's ok X3
When will Nightmare Moon turn back into Luna? I'm confused on if it is a two day thing or not XD
9402816
Nightmare Moon will return to Luna when she doesn't feel guilty anymore and when she stops thinking that Twilight hates her for what happened to her eyes. The day she took Twilight back to her house counts as the first day. Twilight will see again on the third day. I hope I have helped you.
I really like how this story is working out. please don't stop, if you ever need help let me know please
A bit rushed...just a bit...the day went by kind of fast XD but I can't complain cause I still loved it >3
I love how you have the time to post a new chapter every day...Love it so far 🖤
9407863
Thanks
cute little idea. not bad
you have two of the same line their struggled on the ground, shaking her head with her hooves still with blood dripping from her eyes.
Twilight Sparkle struggled on the ground, shaking her head with her hooves still with blood dripping from her eyes.
“Yes, your majesty. Follow me“, said Nurse Heart its Nurse Redheart
9733321
Thanks for inform me
9733315
Thanks for inform me
9733330
your welcome but i think you need to edited it never mind you need a editor
I liked this story, was fun. The broken english though turned it into a comedy xddddd
9782175
You mean tje choked on bouquet part?
And then she died, end of story.
Nah but seriously, the story is amazing, it does feel rushed though and there are a few grammar mistakes.
Here's here's a better idea, why not take her to Canterlot Hospital? Y'know, since it's closer!?