• Member Since 31st May, 2017
  • offline last seen 7 hours ago

Barricade Pax


"Part of the journey is the end" ~ Tony Stark (Iron Man)

T

My names Nathan Dailey me and my brother Thomas finally saved up enough money to go to TFcon, like Comic-Con, but only Transformers. After we both buy things from a guy we got sent to a version of the Equestria Girls universe. Me as Barricade from The Last Knight and my brother as Barricade from the 2007 movie.

Chapters (1)
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Comments ( 27 )

Ok, there is are a couple of problems with this story. The main character is too calm about his sudden change and the fact he realizes it too quickly of what he had became without any form of panic nor denial, he has also learned too fast on how to transform.

You're avoiding quite alot of character growth.

Yup, going too fast. If you want an example of how to pace this sort of thing, check this out:

TAn Apple a Day
Of all the people it had to happen to...
The Blue EM2 · 18k words  ·  38  17 · 494 views

"Let me guess" said Sunset. "One where the Decepticons are good and the Autobots are evil?" She asked.

Shattered Glass Reference

It's a good Story Concept, the one thing that really bugs me is the fast pacing and the shift between P.O.V and a little bit of the grammar. There is a program named Grammarly that you could download. It is free and it helps you with your grammar mistakes and misspelling.

9394325
I can see that, I'll try to work on stuff like that in the future

9394354
I'll be sure to do that

9394360
Thank you, I'll look into the app

no problem barricade is my favorite decepticon (I hope I spelled that right) next to blackout (combat helicopter) I'm sure the story will be great :)

9394534
Thanks! And Barricade and Blackout are two of my favorites as well.

Please continue i love it

This is pretty cool need to read this more when more chapters come out. Awesome job by the way.

9394360
Yes but some words are made up, or you spell them wrong intentally. So that can mess it up.

Wait if aj can see if someone is lying, then how exactly did she didn't expose them for all there lying, for example, there not from shattered glass, so she should have said they were lying.

9395031
I might just have something planned for that

9395031
Except her lie detecting isn't perfect. If it was perfect, it would have prevented the author from wanting to use certain plot ideas.

9395029
That's understandable, but go into more details in the story that makes your readers more invested

Another day, another Displaced story. Let's see where this trainwreck go-

Two words into the description and I spot a grammatical error. (Names =/= Name is)

Aside from that, typical lazy minimalistic description, typical self-insert, typicallly typical Displaced. The only thing noteworthy is that there's two overpowered Gary Stus rather than one. Also The Micheal Bay Transformers? Definite teenager, I assumne around the age of 15 (Old enough to have seen the Last Knight when it was new, but young enough not to absolutely despise what that shlep did to Transformers.)

Right, the story. attempts to click story
The story. attempts again
THE STORY! fails again
BY UZUME'S TITS THIS IS WAY HARDER THAN IT SHOULD BE

The literal one pixel that represents the link to the first chapter aside (Please don't make the story nigh-impossible to click on, it makes it hard to actually read the damn thing), we're onto the story and...

Earth I (our Earth), TFcon, March 15th 2019, 11:00AM

Nathan's P.O.V.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Pro writing tip: Show, don't tell. You see this? This is bad. Do not do this. It is immersion breaking, which is impressive, considering that the story has only just started.

After that, dialogue for days. Pro tip agian: This is too much dialogue for the first chapter. You've barely done anything to write the story. Where the fuck is this, who are these people, and why should I care?

At the very least, you win the award for Worst Intro to a Displaced fic 2019. Congratulations, you win my suicide note.

Jokes about my depression aside, blah blah blah, teleported to Equestria Girls World (Or Earth II if you're so inclined.), literally one paragraph of realizing that you are in fact a giant fucking robot, another immersion breaking perspective change that makes it look like you're writing for illiterate people (Seriously, if you wrote better there wouldn't even be a need for X'S P.O.V.) , wrongly formatted time (Either 6PM or 18:00, not both.), more garbage grammar, (Did all the editors get snapped out of existence, or do people not care about writing?) pretty typical lazy-writing, woopty doo.

It's sad because Transformers x MLP is a cool idea. You rip out that idea when you just insert your personality into a third-tier robot who I never even heard of until today. Ah well, perfectly good ideas ruined by self-inserts, what else is new? vignette.wikia.nocookie.net/rwby/images/8/8e/Tohru_shrug.jpg/revision/latest?cb=20180127190639

TL;DR Typical Displaced, aside from the concept (Which is ruined by Displaced) it's nothing special. Sort your grammar out and you have a Sturgeon's Law-level story of thoroughly average.

9397499
Thank you for your review! I'll try to get better at the things that you pointed out. And you where only two years of from my age, im 17, and I actually hated The Last Knight, I just liked some of the designs, Barricades included obviously. But I appreciate your being honest with me and calling out what's wrong with my story so far, I will do my best to fix these issues in the future.

Edit: I fixed the chapter name problem

9397499
I am sorry for eavesdropping, but when you are going to give someone a review and give someone criticisms, you don't have to be an asshole about it.

When I read a story that could have a lot of potentials, I don't trash it, I give the author some tips. I live with the quote "You can criticize something as long you are not an asshole about it,"

9397612
Dude it's OK. I accept and listen to all reviews of my story, "good" or "bad".

9397777
Yeah, it is constructive criticism but when I criticize something, I am not an asshole about it.

9397777
9399428
Both of you please stop fighting!

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