Impostor Syndrome

by saarni

II. The Talk

Gesturing toward a comfortable sofa in the living room, Fluttershy asked, “Would you like some tea? I was just about to make some for myself.”

Rainbow Dash looked around the room, a pensive expression darkening her features. She’d been in here so many times, it had almost become like a second home to her; every detail of it was as familiar to her as the back of her hoof, but now … now it felt alien and strange. It was as if she’d come back to discover that all of the furniture had been replaced by identical duplicates and moved an inch to the right. She shook her head, realising belatedly what bad taste that particular thought was in. It was a cosy, snug little place, and the muted colours of the walls were calming without being drab. The softly flickering lanterns added a soothing amber glow to the space.

No, her mood was nothing to do with the room itself. It was the things that had happened in here that were the problem. No matter where she went in the cottage, Rainbow Dash knew that she’d find reminders of the intimacy she’d shared with a Changeling impostor. She couldn’t even bring herself to sit down on the sofa, knowing that their combined smells were woven indelibly into the fabric.

“Rainbow?” Fluttershy’s voice took on a note of concern.

“Hm?”

“Tea?”

For a moment, she was tempted to play the cool and tough card, but her heart just wasn’t in it; plus, she was near-dehydrated having not had a drink in some time. Rainbow Dash nodded, and even that small action made her feel vulnerable. As if she were admitting to a weakness. “Sure, I’d love some.”

“Twilight brought back a new mint blend from Canterlot a few weeks ago and I’ve been itching to try it,” Fluttershy said. “Princess Celestia highly recommends it for coping with-” her eyes narrowed imperceptibly “-stress.”

“Great. I’ll take a gallon.”

Despite herself, Fluttershy stifled her giggle with a hoof. “I’ll be right back.”

Watching Fluttershy depart to the kitchen, a look crossed Rainbow Dash’s face; anypony who didn’t know her well enough would assume that she was fine, but she could see the darkness behind her eyes that Fluttershy was bravely trying to conceal for the sake of her friends. She wanted so much to tell her that she didn’t have to put on an act around her, but Rainbow Dash knew just how hypocritical that would sound coming from her: she wasn’t exactly Little Miss Empathy. The nearest she got to displaying any kind of sappy emotion was around her adopted little sister, Scootaloo.

Her mind was brought back to reality by something small, white and fluffy prancing around her feet; Rainbow Dash frowned at Angel Bunny, who had somehow managed to remain completely oblivious to the events of the past year. Every now and then, he took a bite from a carrot that had, judging by the sickly-sweet smell hititing her nostrils, been oven-roasted in a layer of cinnamon sugar. It was a sweet treat that he was only supposed to have on special occasions. Rainbow Dash wasn’t so sure that this qualified, but she wasn’t about to argue the point with Fluttershy. Her ears pricked up when she heard the whistling of the tinny little kettle from the kitchen.

“Just another minute or so,” said Fluttershy, her voice barely rising above its usual dulcet tone despite her being in a room on the other side of the house.

If you were taken in, Rainbow Dash thought, her eyes returning to Angel who continued to prance and scarper merrily about in-between the furniture, what chance did I and the others have? Still, it did little to assuage her feelings of guilt about the situation: Angel Bunny had been Fluttershy’s first Ponyville friend, being there to comfort her when she’d fallen from Cloudsdale all those years ago and – somehow – miraculously surviving the landing. How much time have the two of you spent in this cottage together since then, as close as any two beings could ever be, and you didn’t know? Rainbow Dash knew it should’ve made her feel better, or slightly less-worse at least, to know that nopony was really to blame, but it didn’t.

Though they were all hurting, Rainbow Dash knew that soon an entirely different set of anxieties would be pervading Fluttershy’s closest friends. Perhaps all of Equestria entirely, should the news ever make its way to the general population. Twilight would go to Princess Celestia and inform her of Fluttershy’s imprisonment, and Celestia would in turn brief her closest advisors. They would ask the question that nopony wanted to know the answer to: “How many other replicas are out there?” It made her sick just contemplating it. She didn’t want squads of guards battering down ponies’ doors looking for infiltrators, but equally she didn’t want anypony else going through what she and her other friends were suffering either.

“Rainbow Dash, you’re very quiet,” Fluttershy said, poking her head into the living room to check that all was well. Truth be told, she was afraid that Rainbow Dash might’ve taken off and was relieved to find her still there, even if she was just hovering awkwardly near the sofa.

“Sorry. Just thinking.”

“You, thinking?” Fluttershy giggled again.

Even though the joke had been made at her expense, Rainbow Dash smiled all the same; no matter how dire the situation they found themselves in, the mood always lifted when Fluttershy was there to offer her support. It was enough to break her out of the funk that pervaded her mind, though unfortunately it couldn’t last very long when she remembered that the impostor would behave in the exact same manner. It had spoken with the same voice. Had used that same laugh. Had even whimpered plaintively under its breath just as Fluttershy probably would have at the point of … she terminated that line of thinking right there, a wave of revulsion causing her to shudder.

“Thinking about it,” Fluttershy said, softly placing the mug on the table in front of Rainbow Dash, “isn’t going to help anypony, least of all yourself.” She had a sympathetic expression etched into her muzzle, understanding the deep hurt that her friend was enduring. “I know you’re driving yourself crazy, wondering what you should’ve done differently, what were the tells that made it obvious in hindsight that the Changeling was an impostor, but there were none.” Her hoof wavered gingerly in the air. She wanted to place it on Rainbow Dash’s wither, to let her know that it was going to be okay, but she wasn’t sure if she would welcome the contact right now.

Blowing out a breath, Rainbow Dash thanked Fluttershy for the tea. She knew that she should be asking how she was doing, how she was coping now that she was back home, but her mind was awash with other questions. Questions she wasn’t sure she wanted or needed the answers to.

Fluttershy sat on the ground in a meditative position on the opposite side of the table so that she could study Rainbow Dash’s features; it was obvious that her body was wrought with tension, and she recognised the signs of an animal having a classic fight-or-flight response. Rainbow Dash was gripped with the desire to lash out at something, but in the absence of her preferred target she was having to restrain her impulses. She couldn’t help smiling at that. Rainbow Dash was not a pony who could be talked down very easily out of following her passions. “Talk to me,” said Fluttershy, taking a sip of her drink and enjoying the way in which the cool mint flavour forced open her sinuses. “About anything.”

Studying her steaming drink, Rainbow Dash replied, “I don’t have much to say.” As rotten a pony as it made her feel, she wished Fluttershy was still in the kitchen. Looking at her now in the ruddy lantern light, the well-kempt pink mane, the bright blue eyes, the shiny yellow coat, all she could think about was the Changeling and how it had copied every detail of her form right now to the gentle curve of her flanks and the trio of butterflies depicted upon them. Fluttershy hadn’t done anything wrong, but she was the one paying the price for what had happened.

Putting just the tiniest edge of challenge into her voice, Fluttershy said, “You always have something to say. That’s what I like most about you, Rainbow. Even if it’s not necessarily appropriate or welcome, you’ll still make your feelings known. Why wouldn’t you do that now?” Striving for a sense of composure that was just beyond her grasp, Fluttershy took a deep breath, wishing the crushing weight would lift from her chest. She didn’t appreciate being made out to be the bad guy here, even if she understood where Rainbow Dash was coming from and that it wasn’t deliberate. It was important to get her talking about her experiences so they could move on. “You can keep it bottled up inside you for only so long. We can discuss these things now or later, but sooner or later, we’re going to have to face up to what happened to us. Why shouldn’t we face it together?”

Fiddling with her mug just so she wouldn’t have to reply right away, Rainbow Dash savoured the warmth in her hooves. It had been cold outside and she was only just realising now how chilly she felt. “I don’t want you to say that I didn’t do anything wrong,” she eventually said. “I’m sick of hearing it.”

“None of us did anything wrong, Rainbow Dash,” said Fluttershy evenly. “The Changelings were very analytical about the whole thing. They must’ve been watching me for weeks, waiting for the right time to pounce.” That thought alone made her feel quite ill, but she didn’t let on. Her cottage normally felt so safe, but knowing it had been – literally – bugged left a vile taste in the back of her throat. “When I went off with the ESPRC, I was an easy target for them.” Fluttershy didn’t remember much about the initial kidnapping, and so she assumed that the Changelings had somehow spiked her drink or food.

“Are you blaming yourself for this?” asked Rainbow Dash incredulously.

“No!” Forcing herself to be calm, Fluttershy said, “Like I said, nopony did anything wrong. The Changelings were simply far more insidious than we’d expected. Maybe we were a bit naive, but none of our encounters with them in the past suggested that they’d be capable of a deception this intricate.”

“That’s true,” said Rainbow Dash, though she didn’t sound convinced. “But it’s not going to stop me from waking up tomorrow feeling like I betrayed you.”

“Even though you didn’t?”

“Fluttershy, don’t you get it? I had sex with that thing in your house. In your bedroom. No amount of showering is going to wash that stink off.”

“You did it because you thought it was me,” Fluttershy said carefully. “If you’re worried that my feelings for you have changed, let me assure you that they haven’t, okay? If you’re upset that you were duped into a romantic relationship, then that’s perfectly understandable and … I’m sorry for what you’re going through.”

Rainbow Dash opened her muzzle, then closed it again. That was it, wasn’t it? It wasn’t just that nagging sense that she’d somehow let Fluttershy down, it was also the idea that she’d been taken advantage of. Her love used against her for another being’s gain. It wasn’t something she wanted to immediately think about, but she knew it was going to be with her for a while. Probably forever. “Did you … know what was happening?”

Not answering right away, Fluttershy took her cooling cup of tea in her hooves and placed it to her lips. Despite its tepidity, it was refreshing and helped to clear away the lump that was now forming in her throat. The pleasant spiciness of the mint felt even more invigorating now that it had gone cold. Meeting Rainbow Dash’s eyes, she inclined her head in a slight nod. “Yes, I knew.” She placed her now-empty cup back on the table.

A grim curiosity seized Rainbow Dash. Just how much had she known? How much had she felt? Had the bug relayed the sensations back to her? Her stomach knotted suddenly. No doubt, the entire Hive had been aware of what was happening. That was the purpose, after all, of the whole subterfuge in the first place: to sap the love of an Element of Harmony. Well, they’d gotten that and then some. She wanted to throw up. “What was it like?”

“For the most part, it felt like a dream,” replied Fluttershy, watching the play of emotions on Rainbow Dash’s face. “If all they’d needed was a copy of my memories, that could’ve been done easily enough, but they’d wanted to know how I’d react to certain situations so that the impostor could do a better job of blending in long-term. They, um, they would feed me different scenarios and gauge my responses.”

“One of those scenarios,” Rainbow Dash said bleakly, “was us having a physical relationship.” She stroked her chin thoughtfully. “I suppose you have to credit their ingenuity, huh?”

“It’s disgusting and invasive is what it is,” said Fluttershy with feeling. “But-”

“-But what?”

“We’re both still alive. It’s not often you get a predator-prey dynamic which ends like that.”

Rainbow Dash was horrified. “You’re not defending them, are you?”

Fluttershy shook her head. “Not in the slightest bit.”

“Good. Because Celestia as my witness, if I ever come across one of those things again, I’ll-”

“-What good will that do?” asked Fluttershy, her eyes going wide.

“Are you trying to use the Stare on me?”

“I’m not staring. I mean, I’m staring, but I’m not Staring.” Some of her old easily-flustered attitude returned and Rainbow Dash actually found herself heartened by this. “Revenge isn’t going to make you or anypony else feel better, Rainbow. Promise me you won’t go looking for it.”

Her body was so tense, her anger so raw, Rainbow Dash was amazed to find her resolve wilting all the same when she looked into Fluttershy’s imploring eyes. If she’d had the power to do so, she would’ve hunted down every last one of the Changelings. She couldn’t recall a time when she’d been so thoroughly outraged. “I can’t make that promise, Fluttershy,” she finally said, willing herself to relax. “I want to hurt them so badly for what they did to us.”

With shame in her voice, Fluttershy said, “So do I.” Her eyes sank to the carpet and her hindlegs wanted to kick out like a petulant child. She was used to being seen as weak, but this was an altogether different sort of weakness that she was admitting to. At the end of the day, Changelings were what they were through no fault of their own. If the Swarm Leader was a bad apple, then the drones could do little about it. “But it wouldn’t accomplish anything, would it? We’d still be in pain afterwards.”

“So. We just accept it? Move on with our lives?”

“Do you get angry at wolves?”

“Huh?” Rainbow Dash cocked her head, confusion evident in her expression. “What’s that-?”

“Bears? Sharks? Any predator, really. Do you hate them because they feed on the flesh of other animals?” Fluttershy asked quietly.

“Well, no,” said Rainbow Dash, frowning. “I mean, I’ve not thought about it much, I guess.”

“It repulses me, it really does. Far more than I let on to you and the others.” Fluttershy had slumped back in her chair, eyes half-closed. She was utterly exhausted both by her recent ordeal and this conversation. “But I accept it as part of their nature, and do my best to love and care for them all the same. The Changelings … they, too, evolved a system of feeding that seems reprehensible to us ponies, but it’s a part of who they are. We can be disgusted by it, we can try to protect ourselves from it, but we have to be forgiving.”

“Would you forgive a wolf for eating Angel?”

Fluttershy couldn’t meet Rainbow Dash’s penetrating gaze.

“I didn’t think so.” She shook her head. “I’m not gonna just compartmentalise all this away, Fluttershy. They kidnapped you, stole your memories, used your very feelings against me, and I’m supposed to accept that because, hey, at the end of the day they’re nothing more than a bunch of hungry animals in need of a decent meal. Sorry, but no. They acted in a ruthless, calculating manner, and they’ll very definitely do it again because they know it works. Tartarus, they’re probably doing it right now.”

On impulse, Fluttershy reached out to embrace Rainbow Dash; she recoiled at first, but soon surrendered herself to the warm embrace. Memories came unbidden of the nights she’d shared with the impostor. “You’re hurting, Dashie,” Fluttershy said in a low whisper.

“I know.” She leaned into the nape of Fluttershy’s neck and inhaled her heady aroma. Why did the copy have to be so darned perfect? It was going to be a while – if ever – before she’d be able to separate the two in her mind. “So are you. And our friends. Will it ever stop? I don’t want to feel like this any more.”

“It’ll pass, eventually,” said Fluttershy soothingly. It might not, of course, but Rainbow Dash didn’t need to hear that right now. “All wounds heal in time.”

“Fluttershy ...”

“Mm?”

Rainbow Dash backed away slightly so that she could see Fluttershy properly; she debated whether to tell her this or not, but she finally set her jaw in a look of certainty. “With you – um, the Changeling, I mean – it was my first time.” A blush rose up from her chest. She looked down at the floor, her face registered a mixture of embarrassment and shame at the admission.

“Oh, I see,” was all Fluttershy could say. Her ears flattened against the side of her head. “I’m sorry.”

“I mean, sure, I had plenty of offers,” she said with a trace of her old cocky personality returning, “but intimacy never seemed all that important to me before.” She smiled ruefully at Fluttershy. “What did sex have that I couldn’t get from flying, right?”

Fluttershy wasn’t sure what to do with this newfound information; frankly, she and her friends had always taken Rainbow Dash for one of the more experienced ponies in town. It was making more sense to her now as to why Rainbow Dash was taking this so hard. There had been the violation of trust, but also the violation of one of the most special gifts one pony could give to another. “I don’t know what to say.”

“It’s okay, really,” said Rainbow Dash. “It’s just … knowing that none of it was real is going to take some getting used to.”

“Rainbow Dash-” Fluttershy took her hooves in her own “-remember, the Changeling impersonator was being fed with information directly from my mind.”

“It wasn’t you.”

“No.” Fluttershy nodded her agreement. “But I was, in a way, in there.”

“Are you saying …? What are you saying, Fluttershy?”

“I’m saying-” she hugged Rainbow Dash tightly and kissed her on the cheek “-small steps, okay? But let’s take them together.”

Something that felt very much like hope surged in Rainbow Dash’s breast for the first time that night; without even thinking about it, or the impostor, she entwined all four of her legs around Fluttershy and held her closely, tears streaming from her eyes. “Yes. Together.”

Comments

[SmashGenesis]

Wow, that was really sad. But also kind of sweet? I'm mostly surprised at how... together Fluttershy seemed. Still, this was good!

[Autumn Colors Fall]

This was a lot better than the average story I happen to click on in the new stories feed. Really tough subject that you handled very well here.

[Nemesis01]

Great work! You conveyed Dash's emotions really well. I featured this on episode 249 of my podcast, Pony 411.

[Chienne1]

That was a good read. Goddamn. Thanks for writting this wonderful fic. It was truly an emotional journey.

[BirdsBooksBrownies]

This was amazingly deep, and I am with Dash that what the changelings did was beyond reprehensible, and nothing about it was the act of a mere predator trying to get its next meal, this is predatory in a completely different and horrifying way.

In any case, I would love to see an expanded story on the year-long incursion, or the aftermath where Twilight takes this information to Princess Celestia and Luna.

[Silver Starlight]

Oh wow, this....this hurts.

Nice work.