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A reasonable start. Do you know how long this is going to be?
Why does this feel like this is a story in a series
9384757
probably this line
I mean there has to be a prequel for that right?
9385868
Exactly I mean it even said that he became a royal babysitter why how when
9386047
The why is thanks to said lust god, and the when is after he fouls were born.
9386114
Then why is he retired if there a need for royalty and living with the 2 sisters ( who my or mynot have foals)
I would deliver twilight at least in the same town Why would you need to retire instead of just transferring
9386127
like I said there will either be backstory in future chapters or a prequel. On a side note, he said he was watching the kids of random nobles so I guess the main kids no longer need a sitter or someone else is doing it now.
WOW, he just went for it, I expected this to be a slower thing like the "babysitting cream" game but nevermind.
This is getting very interesting. I hope you finish a new chapter soon.
no orgasm?
I smell... chicken
Is this going to be a series?
Totally Scootaloo.
He will train all of the CMC Like his own slutty Charlie’s Angels
...welp, that escalated quickly.
Honestly this just felt like an odd anal fixation fic
Wet wipes are stupid. I'm sorry, but I said it, they're stupid. You REALLY don't need them. BTW, kudos on having James tell Sweetie not to flush them.
So, Sweetie has no friends, it seems. Does this mean this story takes place before she met Apple Bloom and Scootaloo in season one?
Wrong!
This was enjoyable. A few weird ideas here and there and you should work on your grammar/spelling and proofread your stories more. But other than that, it was a good read. You conveyed the feeling of using the opportunity to have sex with a filly who is neglected by parents and big sister well. Slightly questionable what happened there, especially when he stuck his finger into Sweetie's anus without asking first. But that he taught her how to cook and some other things show that he cares for Sweetie even without having sex and that he isn't seeing her as sex puppet and Sweetie was okay with it and liked the sex, so the situation improved.
Still, you should avoid certain awkward ideas. The crab pony attack was fine, but the way you described it happened too sudden and this made the entire event too random.
The way you incorporated a musical number, while creative, feels off when thinking on it what we've seen in the show. For one, the instruments playing out of nowhere does not really work, because the music during songs is just background music and naturally wouldn't be heard in Equestria. We never see ponies with instruments playing those melodies during a song or any other identifiable source of the music. Reading that part was a little hard and I was glad when I was past it.
For second, we've also gotten several clear signs for it that ponies of course remember when they sung a song. And there is no logical reason why the background ponies who sing as choir should forget it. I never had to say this about any MLP: FiM fic I've read, but this part made me cringe, just for how unrealistic and much too silly it was. Creative ideas are nice and even vital but, before you write them into a story, you should think them through and check if they really make sense. It will heavily affect the quality of a story if you don't.
Other than that, I liked the story and I'm going to read the sequel as well. The cliffhanger at the end is exciting.
9390087
think more babysitting cream hacked
Is it just me or does rarity come off as a capital B in this story?
10784434
She's just there to set the scene and go away. Also, pre-season one, so definitely focused on certain things above others.
Heh, was wondering with the wipe. Then the level difficulty skyrocketed!
Interesting, the stallions remark about how he could do better seemed to indicate the disapproval was with something else, and the mares cajoling seemed to indicate she thought it funny instead of disturbing... Maybe he really should research them laws! 😇
Close.
You know, Rarity might actually approve...
DLDR takes on whole nother meaning with this story. This is just SICK.
Wtf, Lol you went from babysteps to riding a missle in 1 paragraph. Pump the brakes goddamn
The title does seem deceptive up till now
... That was fast