• Member Since 4th May, 2013
  • offline last seen 51 minutes ago


On the Sliding Scale Of Cynicism Vs. Idealism, I like to think of myself as being idyllically cynical. (Patreon, Ko-Fi.)


In Canterlot's central shopping district, gift clocks are the newest Hearth’s Warming sensation: a present every day until the Eve itself, all in one convenient giant box! You can give them to other ponies! You can buy them for yourself and get a little surprise with every sunrise! They come in all sorts of themes! And as our eagerly shopping Bearers are about to discover, every last one has something in common.

Really, why does everypony keep presuming the ensuing riots are their fault?

(Dedicated without shame to Stuart Ashen.)

Now with author Patreon and Ko-Fi pages.

Chapters (1)
Comments ( 64 )

Oh wow, you're busy.

'tis amazing the bravery that stupidity is capable of.

I actually have pretty fond memories of the Lego Advent calendar, but I suppose they were more honest about what they were selling. I was easy to impress back then.

Hehehe. Oh my, this was great!

A very fitting and tailored ending.

I am so glad my family never got into the whole advent calendar thing. The chocolate ones would be cool but the whole idea just seemed absurd to me. Still glad to see that the girls are protecting the populous from shady dealings.

And we see again why Filthy Rich is a good businesspony. He can recognise a really bad idea before it hits the rotary air circulation device and splatters.

9376517 He has his own Pinkie Sense, which allows him to hit the deck just before the explosion.
9376516 Nothing can possibly go wrong with a calendar that gives you chocolate every day. Nothing.

Now I want a job that has 'Guaranteed Bail' as one of the benefits.

I guess either advent calendars were better 20 years ago or Playmobile just has too much pride to put out a substandard product but I'm really not sure where this hate comes from; I adored my advent calendar...

Still I appreciate over-the-top parody and great comedic timing and I especially enjoyed seeing Filthy Rich not being a villain or jerk. Perhaps I should read the other stories you've written about him...

Edit: And now this is a place-halter. :raritywink:

That was wonderful!

grass mask

And that produced a flashback to a series of Advent calendar videos on YouTube. Traumatic, but highly appropriate!


(Dedicated without shame to Stuart Ashen.)

And that's what I get for not clicking the link. Thank you, Estee, I'd forgotten who did these, and I hadn't seen that there were new ones!

I wonder if the palace staff have a special bail form for the Bearers, mass printed and easy to fill out:

Dear Mare/Stallion __________ (insert name of chief officer) of ________ (insert police precinct here):

Her Royal Highness, Princess (Celestia|Luna|Cadance|Twilight Sparkle) (strike out those not appropropriate) bids you welcome this ____am/pm, _____ of _____, year ____ (insert time, day, month and year) . In the interests of Equestria, please release the following beings on bail, surety to be provided by the Crown: (Tick all that are appropriate)

__ Her Royal Highness Twilight Sparkle (Alicorn Pony)(Cutie of mark of red star surrounded by six white stars)
__ Rarity (Unicorn Pony) (Cutie mark of three blue diamonds)
__ Applejack (Earth Pony) (Cutie mark of three red apples)
__ Rainbow Dash (Pegasus) (Cutie mark of cloud w/rainbow lightning)
__ Fluttershy (Pegasus) (Cutie mark of three butterflies)
__ Pinkie Pie (Earth Pony) (Cutie mark of two blue and one yellow balloons)
__ Spike (Dragon) (Cutie mark not present, as Dragon)

Insert Hoofseal of issuing authority here:

[This line left intentionally blank]
Official Bearer Bail Form, Version 2A.B . Reorder Number #23H-B, lot of 20

Is this part of the Triptych 'verse, and if so, where in the chronology is it?

I really enjoy the idea of the Bearers as being an Equal and Opposite Force of Nature to counter the Threat of the Day. A group of tornadoes to spin down a hurricane. :twilightoops:

I am imagining back when the fledgling nation of Equestria was forming, and the sisters were dividing up the rules of law between the Day Court and the Night Court. When the topic of consumer protection laws were raised, both Luna and Celestia shouted “Not it,” at equal volume and timing. So they didn’t bother.

And now they are witnessing the downside of extreme laissez faire economic practices. Usually by bailing the Bearers out and hearing about the latest scam...


Consumer protection laws, libel laws...I suspect there are a lot of gaps in Equestrian law due to neither Princess wanting to deal with it.

I actually quite enjoyed my cheese advent calendar this year, although the fact you needed two days worth of cheese to make a sandwich was a bit of an issue but it did result in a bunch of mixed flavours I probably wouldn't have tried without it.

I feel satisfaction and RELIEF that the Bearers or the community at large were not the ones being short-changed this time.

Fair deserts were given to those who deserved them.

Happy Hearths Warming, Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year Estee !

You're a fuckin' machine.

I had a Lethal Poison Advent Calendar.

It was a killer time for all!


...especially since the palace staff secretly believed that no group Bearer visit was official until somepony had posted bail.

:twilightangry2: "One time. One time!"
:applejackunsure: "This moon."

They believe...

Two of the more dangerous words in your work.

Ah. Yeah, in general, it's best to listen to the stallion who wears his business sense on his rump when it comes to this sort of thing. Or, at the very least, compare size to actual mass.

Given the Patreon announcement that came with this one... Well, best of luck, and thanks for the story. It is indeed entertaining, quality writing.

One can only hope that if Twilight ever does decide to step into the political arena in this world, her first act is legal reform. All of the legal reform. It's a very good thing that a string of ponies hiding behind the absence of law probably can't make her go full Nightmare Jurisprudence.

I started reading (entirely missing the dedication at the bottom, because breakfast time) and I thought: I wonder if Estee has been watching Ashens and Nerdcubed's - oh wait, yes.

Yes, Estee has.

This is gonna be even better...!

I was not at all wrong.

If you click the link in the long summary of the story to Stewart Ashen, aka Ashens, the great master of Tat on Youtube, he has for the past few years, being doing advent calendar videoes, where he (and latterly Dan Nerbcubed) have been trying various special advent calandars. As I understand it (I've not watched all of the years myself) one of the (Playmobile?) ones he did a while back contained a great number of grass masks and not much actually in the way of toys; the grass masks have become a running joke.

After last year's debarcle, he and Nerbcubded decided to buy what they thought would be some good ones this year (the way the best one they had last year was - Rarity's gift clock was, I suspect, a referrence to that).

And they were so very, very wrong.

Edit: I Did A Twilight and did some research: the grass masks came from a Playmobil advent calendar that Ashens did in 2013 that was pretty disappointing (no idea it'd been a running gag for that long); they are, apparently, supposed to be a bale of hay or straw with two holes to put the pitch-fork is (because this calendar seemed more like a random farm set where the farmer dressed up as Santa).


...Nightmare Jurisprudence.

I can almost see it. Enraged purple alicorn goddess, standing over a smashed Mare Justice statue. Shouting, “The red tape will last forever!”

Comment posted by Aotrs Commander deleted Dec 31st, 2018

Okay answer me this: Was flim and or flam involved because I would not be surprised if one or both of them had something to do with this...

9377067 Nightmare Jurisprudence? This would be the Twilight-derivative who actually completes the CODEX JUDICIA CREPUSCULIA?

Incidentally, I never heard of "advent calendars" until about ten years ago. I think I've only ever seen one in stores once in my entire life.

I've gotten one from my mom EVERY year for as long as i can remember, and i'll be 33 next week! Sometimes I cheat and take a few days at a time.... some go only to the 24th but others can go all the way to New Years eve; just depends on what kind. Also, when the season is over, you can reuse the plastic molds inside with your own melted chocolate! it's fun to microwave my favorite chocolate and refill the molds a couple of times, making a small bowl of Christmas themed chocolates LOL

I got a lot of these as a kid. Cheap ones though, simple flat cardboard thing (like in the image) and all the 'gifts' were little chocolates. Most of which were stale.

All while I read this, I was certain you'd watched this video of the worst MLP advent calendar ever.

Excellent. Mr. Rich is certainly an extremely shrewd businesspony -- maybe not the best at hiring personnel, but he knows his customers.

Near the end, I was certain the Bearers would unleash a Friendship Rainbow of VengeanceTM on his flanks.

"Yes," he said. "And even if some of the contents had not been consumed, even if everything was intact, because one cannot return an item which has missing or altered components, not to mention that every panel door had been pressed and the items are not in saleable condition... a simple fact remains. The gift clocks require twenty-eight days to open. Haydocks has a twenty-day return policy." He smiled. "Please enjoy your holiday."

Famous last words?


I think they'll eventually land under Luna, but she was in Abeyance so her portfolio of domains is still being updated.


Considering Twilight's avowed self-image... The filing would be perfect... or ELSE.

Good one there! Ten ROFLing Rainbow Dashes out of ten.


As usual, good work there, Estee. Well done. I hope that you got some satisfaction from it.

Justifiable retailicide.


Simlar to what kept Nightmare Moon from just crushing the Elements before they could face her, the small core of goodness within Nightmare Jurisprudence would allow for the laws to be navigable, still... you just need to jump through a lot of metaphorical hoops(and a couple of actual hoops).

Haha, the line about paying for bad fanfiction almost made me forget about the golden gem at the beginning where the fabric bolt had to adjust to a curtain sort of life. This one was really funny man.

I'm sorry hearing about the horrifically stressful time you had in the process of making it though. Wherever you're reading this at, I hope it brings you some good vibes. Oh, and happy new year!!

Seems like the problem was with the sub-standard items inside the calendar rather than the calendar itself. If Filthy Rich simply makes sure the items inside the calendar are of a better quality, he could make a tidy sum off the fad.

That would imply that after what happened with this set, anyone would be willing to take the risk and try buying one.

" And eventually, somepony remembered to go post bail.

It was, after all, an official Bearer visit."

As always, your slice-of-life disasters entertain! Thanks for this one especially.


Just recently, I came across a very decent advent calendar for computer programmers - http://adventofcode.com. It promises - and delivers - a new coding problem every day.

Of course, the fact that it's a website that simply delivers a page of text to your browser does help to keep costs down, and that's technology that's simply not present in Equestria...

You succeeded in turning out quality work, even in the situation you're in. :)

My family had one growing up, but it wasn't the box of tat style but a quilted one. In this case of a large house, with a little Santa figure that you moved from room to room until it reached the living room on Christmas Eve.

She'd won the bet. She was going to watch Applejack leading the Pegasus Pride March on the seven day of spring, fake wings and all, singing the Cloudsdale City Anthem at the top of her earth pony lungs.

THAT got a good chuckle out of me!

This was a fun story. Was this store owned by the same people who make the hazmat suits the Flower Trio are addicted to?

As a brief aside:

Anypony else leaving with that many huge boxes would have needed to hire a cart. The Bearers had a librarian.

I miss that show. Shame there was never a chance of a crossover. I bet Cassandra Cillian and Twilight Sparkle would get on like a house on fire, Eve Baird and Rainbow Dash would be epic... Jacob Stone and Rarity, maybe?

I miss it when it was just chocolate.
I don't miss the twenty-or-so days of continuous pretending to be opening windows that I have already opened, pillaged and expertly re-sealed to look like they're still intact.

My Most Lethal Poisons gift clock was exactly as advertised! :pinkiecrazy:

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