• Member Since 18th Jan, 2015
  • offline last seen 1 hour ago

Cosmic Eclipse

Fan of bats, Tiki Enthusiast, Theme park fanatic, writer, and now occasional editor. 'Til the Spire! (Thanks to Lawra for the awesome Avatar!)



This story is a sequel to Pandemic: Dreamers

(Chapters 1-12 will be seeing significant rewrites in the near future to address pacing and other issues that I've wanted to address - They're more than a bit rough in some places, but hey this has been a great learning experience!)

Set in the Pandemic Universe

A Scholar on a journey,
An Optimist seeking out an oasis,
An Inventor with dreams of a better Tomorrow...

Three months have passed since the ETS pandemic left a quarter of the US population transformed into ponies, completely changing their lives for better and for worse. A group of ponies set out to find something new in the world, their paths crossing at an important junction in their lives. Trying to put the past behind them, the group sets out to make their dreams of a brighter tomorrow a reality...

...However, not everything is as perfect as it seems... for some, the future is merely a means to an end, the path to fame and fortune... will the group be able to overcome the many challenges involved with creating the future?

Halira's stories, What you are Meant to Be and Picking up the Pieces offer some expanded night pony lore which give a fuller understanding of the concepts brought up in this story. The original story is highly recommended as it offers the basic premise for this rather niche sub universe.

Special thanks to:
for offering much needed feedback and advice over the course of writing this story.

Chapters (19)
Join our Patreon to remove these adverts!
Comments ( 12 )

It's ksp? Kerbal space program?

No, this is a side story set in the same universe at this story:

The small Colorado town of Lazy Pines soldiers on through a bad outbreak of influenza in an otherwise typical flu season ... until the OTHER symptoms manifest.
ASGeek2012 · 440k words  ·  941  50 · 10k views

Story could use some more description of where things are happening. The dreamscape was given a decent description but the rest seem to be happening more in a void. 1st chapter Silver is going to old home, but the reader isn't given any description of it. Is it upscale? Poor? Big or small place? Why would the humans not want him there?

Characters as well, like in chapter 1 where Gyro and Tinker are going back and forth it's just the conversation without knowing how they were standing, were they moving while talking, their tone when speaking?

The world you're painting feels a bit flat so it's hard to get invested in what may happen.

This is all very valuable feedback, and I’m definitely going to go back in and address a lot of it. Chapters 1 and 2 are weaker than the rest imo, mainly because they were written before I had as clear of an idea in mind. Chapter three and all subsequent chapters were written relatively recently and it definitely shows a lot more. Chapter 3 in particular has a very detailed section that is one of my favorites so far. Thanks for giving such clear and concise feedback, it all really helps a lot!

Edit: I've added more detail to Chapter 1, I might tweak some stuff a little more but your feedback has been a huge help!

Stanley's portions were definitely stronger and more enjoyable. The vagueness of whatever is going on with the Tinker/Gyro/Silver sections take away from their enjoyment but stuff like Tinker singing as he goes about his work is a nice touch.

The dreamscapes, at least for me, just don't seem that interesting. Seems like a bit more effort could be used to setup and describe things like the little exhibition and what they actually hoped to get out of it. The duo are casting out a fishing line but they seem to be trying to lure people or ponies who probably wouldn't be wandering or enticed by their flier and on such short notice.

The pandemic story has proven twilights weakness. She goes straight to her friends right away.
She did this when thinking of who to show to the transformed even when three of them were the worst possible examples to show. Rarity, Applejack and rainbow dash would fit right in Sunsets world of sterotypes and no matter what Applejack and Rarity say about their sisters it will have no impact compaired to the displays they are showing.

still weary, I hope you know that.”

there's one other in a previous chapter as well

but if you think you’re up to the journey than I won’t stop you. Just please


Really enjoyed how Jasper turned out. She got stuck with a leadership role she never expected to have and is dealing with far too much to miss the chance to mess with some random ponies in the middle of nowhere.

Also good to see the faults in the Oasis operation getting some attention, like how it's entirely ponies. It may have happened completely without malice, but Silver is going to need to work around human limitations eventually.

Overall, this is a nice story. A few others have already offered the same constructive criticism that I would have done, so I won't repeat that here, There is one thing that I don't remember whether it was mentioned or not. There were a few places in the dialog where I was struggling to follow who was speaking. While it is good to have a sequence of dialog without "he said/she said" in order to maintain good flow, there were times where the initial opening line had no indicator, and I had to pause to understand who had just spoken.

Also, there were a few places where a character did a really long infodump, which made the dialog feel stiff and unnatural. Doing good dialog is a hard skill to master, so don't feel bad about that. Like I said, the overall story was good, and worthy of the canon folder, to which I will be moving the story shortly. Please continue to write, as you can only get better at it :twilightsmile:

This has been a huge learning experience overall, it’s actually one of the first big projects that I’ve worked on as well and it definitely shows. It’s been a valuable process though and I’m actually working on reworking a large portion of the story to better reflect what I wanted it to be and work with the feedback and info I was given throughout. Thanks again!

Login or register to comment
Join our Patreon to remove these adverts!