• Member Since 11th Jul, 2018
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Just a MLP/Marvel/Miraculous fan with a wicked sense of justice (or vengeance, one might say).

Comments ( 38 )

So far it’s off to a great start! Looking forward to see what happens in future chapters :D

nice its a bit better.


Thanks! I thought it could use some change. Glad you like it!

Interesting, noticed some errors here and there, but nothing to hinder the readabilty. Also, Sunset seems to be in character, as far as she can be in a crossover, at least :derpytongue2:

Glad to hear I've got some things right! Thanks! Stay for more, if you want!

Am reserving judgement till more chapters are here, but am hoping this will be better than the first attempt. It is a great idea, if done right.

I sure will, already tracking the story :raritywink:

The idea here is interesting enough to get me hooked from the first chapter. I like how you just dropped us into the story assuming that everyone knows Daredevil exists in this world. It can save dreadful exposition.

I actually have another character I made up who also has voices in his head he talks to. He's in A Rather Large Adventure.

Glad you're all liking the new version! I honestly didn't think everyone would take it this well! Thanks!

If you haven't noticed yet (or probably did), the second voice is the demon (or the remnants of it) from the Fall Formal. I added her in because it actually represents the 'devil' inside of her, and it's not just metaphorical. They have a... complicated relationship, so it's not clear from the start whether they hate each other or not.

I definitely have to read A Rather Large Adventure, but there's so much on my to-read list that it's not easy. I will check it out in the future, though.

I did not see the old version of this but thiz is a great start. For me at least.

Hey, if anyone doesn't know, I'm the guy that has been cleaning up Dark's story, making it readable and et cetera, cos no offense to him, but his writing is usually unreadable. My stuff ends up mostly focused on formatting, but I do contribute ideas to the story a fair bit and write scenes here and there. I try to get as many errors as possible, but I don't get them all, as I said in the author's notes above, so please point them out.

On another note, we would like some help. While neither of us are expecting a huge amount of feedback on this admittedly lower quality story, we would like some ideas for something. Specifically, the voice in Sunset's head. We have decided it will play a semi-significant role, and hence needs a name, but we can't make our minds up on what it should be, so we are now taking suggestions. Comment them if you have ideas, but do keep in mind it's meant to be Sunset's darker side.


This has been an interesting chapter, I think you both have done a good job. It’s nice to see the events of the Anon-a-miss comic redone in this way and I’m waiting for more. Though, what was the one part written from first person POV good for?

Furthermore, the only recurring issue that I noticed were some runaway commas or full stops put inbetween direct speech and dialogue tags—there were lots of them, so I didn’t try to make a list, sorry about that.

As for Sunset’s inner demon, why do you think it needs to have a name? It’s just her dark side with an interesting sense of humour, after all.

In order: Ask Dark. He wanted it, so I don't know.
The strange punchuation is gonna be a common issue, I'm afraid. Dark has a habit of doing it on... about every single sentence. I do have other things to do with my time, and I think at somepoint during this chapter, I just said, "screw it, not fixing this." I probably should get to work on it in future chapters, and maybe this one as well.

As for the demon, it is going to evolve beyond a voice in Sunset's head in the future. It doesn't have to have a name, but it'll make things so much earier for every one involved.

Alright, I see, will wait for his response ‘bout that.

And just a few words of a fellow editor: Don’t take up working on more stories than you can handle, should it lower the quality of the individual stories. But I believe you already know that. As long as the author gives you enough time to work on the chapter and you get to the “screw this” point, quit working on the chapter for a moment and calm down, saves a lot of stress and overlooked mistakes. Oh, it’s also good to try to educate the author about recognizing the basic issues and fixing them himself, that should make your job far easier :pinkiesmile:

And I see about the voice... should it somehow jump out of Sunset’s head, having a name for it truly would be convenient.

Granted, the 'screw this' moment actually occured around 1 o'clock in the morning, so I only have myself to blame there. Stayed up too late.
But Dark's english honestly isn't that bad - he just is terrible in terms of formatting, all of it essentially bad habits. I won't shame hin for saying what he does, but there's alot.
I honestly don't edit much - I usually proof read and point out mistakes. I'd thought I'd try my hand at full-on editing on a (relatively) small story. Maybe it'll take me somewhere, we'll see! Thanks for the advice anyway.

First of all, hello again! I'm glad you're enjoying the story so far, and hope you stay for a while.

Second, I'm trying my best to write a bit more efficiently. As I said before, this is my first story, and it's also my first time writing something like this. I'm not too familiar with writing, so I do make mistakes. A lot. And I'm sorry for that. But I'm trying to fix 'em as soon as possible. All I'm asking is for people to give me a chance to do so. In conclusion, don't worry. I've got this!

As for the first person part, you probably won't see things like this in the future. I did this because I thought it'd add a bit more drama to it. I thought that If I were to write it in third person, It wouldn't have a stronger impact. This was kind of an experiment, so yeah...

I promise that the future chapters will focus more on action and drama, not just inter-monologues.


As I said before, this is my first story, and it's also my first time writing something like this. I'm not too familiar with writing, so I do make mistakes. A lot. And I'm sorry for that. But I'm trying to fix 'em as soon as possible. All I'm asking is for people to give me a chance to do so. In conclusion, don't worry.

Don’t worry, we have all been there. The most important thing is that you want to get better! :ajsmug:

I see what you were going for with the first person, though I assure you, you can do the same with third person as well. In general, it is best not to switch between the various POVs unless you have a good reason for it—otherwise, you risk confusing the reader. Luckily that didn’t happen here, but still. If you need anyone to talk to about writing or other story stuff, feel free to send me a PM. I’ll try to help myself or direct you to someone else.

Oh, and by the way, I really like the internal dialogues, they are dynamic and flow really well. But should the next chapters need a change of pace, I wouldn’t mind it :twilightsmile:

Oh there will be a change of pace alright!

This is a good attempt for a first story, and it's biggest flaw (in my view) is one that I've noticed in my own recent attempts at getting back into writing myself.

Descriptions, and the lack-there-of. I get the general idea of the story, but nothing is ever described. Or very few things are. For instance, what does Sunset's suit look like? You've given it some specs, sure, but no actual description showing what it looks like. Same with a lot of other things.

Don't get me wrong, I enjoy it as is, an i'm intrigued at how you'll take this story. But you definitely need to describe things more, or describe more things.

At least that's my viewpoint. Still looking forward to the next chapter.

I have a few other gripes here and there, but that's something that may (hopefully) get addressed later.

The first few chapters were supposed to focus a bit more on emotions, so there's not too much details to add. I'll fix it later though.

You can convey emotions through details and actions. I get the dialogue aspect, but, while difficult, you can convey emotions in the descriptions you write. I'm... not sure how to really explain it? Outside the fact that it's really hard to do and takes a lot of practice.

In a sense, I guess I'd have to say that the beginning just feels flat? I don't really know how I'd explain it.

Anyway, feel free to PM me if you want. I don't want to fill up your comments with my ramblings. Lol

To add to this conversation - part of the deal we kind of have is that I do the descriptive parts (Or that's what it's meant to be. I need to remind Dark, it seems). Dark did want to focus on emotions, and as a result, there hasn't been a huge need for description, though I admit there was a missed oppotunity here, I think there's going to be plenty of that next chapter.

But personally? Yeah, we should've done more here. Our mistake, and we learn from it. Admittedly, it is one I've done before, and hence I am slightly embarassed to be doing it again. Maybe we'll revise it, maybe not, we shall see.

I think having two writers split roles is actually a really difficult and convoluted idea. And could lead to major disjointment later on. I'd say it might be better to have a base writer with an editor who takes what is written and just rewrites on top of everything? Maybe... I don't really know. I did that once and it was definitely an interesting experience. Lol

Don't be embarrassed by that mistake though, it's an easy one to make and happens to everyone.

It's less us writing together, and more; Dark writes the basic chapter, with all the mistakes, and I go through and make it look neat and tidy and readable. Occaisionally I write a scene, or modify a segment so it fits with the rest of the chapter. I have no idea how we'd do it otherwise. Probably with lots of careful application of Google Docs.
So I essentially edit it. But with a tiny bit more.

Lesbian pairing crap again has ended it for me.

No offense buddy, but why? I mean, how does it ruin the whole story for you?

This was a nice chapter. I especially liked the little internal monologues. I actually do that with a character of mine as well. But I don't call this other voice by any other specific name. It's just "Freedom Fighter's other voice said this," or whatever.

Also, why'd it switch to different POVs and into first-person? Keep it consistent. Do other popular authors switch into first person in the middle of a third-person story? No.

That was a one time thing. Mostly because I thought things wouldn't be that dramatic when you're not seeing it from the accused person's POV.
I'm pretty sure I needed that just here.

Huh. Expanding the plot now, I've noticed. Nice job making it work. I actually want to know what Grubber and Bluey talk about.

you better have Princess Twilight come to the human world and confront the five

She won't have time for that once she sees Sunset...

There should be a comma when flutter shy was talking between stop and anon a miss

Can't we all just get along? I mean in the grand scheme of shitty and fucked up things in this world, the anon-a-miss incident doesn't even clear the bottom 10 percent. There are worse things that could have happened. An if you're willing to forgive Starlight "Jihadist" Glimmer than you're more than capable of forgiving the Humane 5 and the Humane Crusaders. No flames please. PEACE ✌

He's right. As shitty as the humane 5 were in the comic, it doesn't mean they're irredeemable. A lot of us don't want to forgive them for what they did, but sometimes we have to. Even in my story, they and the CMC won't be murdered, hate fucked, or whatever people imagine they'd do to them. The only hint I can give is that they'll go through the same experience.

I like the inclusion of DD Season 3, it looks pretty good so far.

Trixie as the Karen of this story is an interesting choice. I wonder if her relationship will go the same way as Matt and Karen's did

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