A seemingly regular human was turned into a Nightmare from the game Heroes of Might & Magic 5, and then transported to Equestria at the time of Nightmare Moon's return. Soon, he finds himself in the whirlwind of unexpected events.
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How is his name pronounced? Andro-mal-ius?
9393955
Frankly, I have no idea. Just use Latin pronunciation, I suppose. Personally, in my head, the accent is on the second a, so I pronounce it as Andromálius.
9393964
Ok then
9393955
Mybe And-ro-mal-ius
I think his reaction was a bit too calm when facing Luna. He didn't sound so desperate for someone who was thrown into different world and looking for a way home. Also, the Equestrian just let one of their Royal family faced the unknown entity with potential hazard alone? There should be at least one guard by Luna's side in case Mike dicide to attack Luna due to his anger or frustation.
9394066
Mike, while desperate, didn't want to come off in any wrong way, so he was rather quiet. No one really likes showing their emotions to people they don't know yet. As for going to him alone, Luna didn't feel danger coming from him in any way. So, she came alone as not to provoke him but to make him feel at ease.
Ok, things are running smoothly so far. Xd
9394088
This or math class, this or math class, I chose this
The first three chapters, especially the first two paragraphs of this chapter are detailed bordering on unnecessary. There is almost too much detail. These paragraphs could be condensed into something along the lines of, 'It was 11:35 and the clocks' hands seemed thunderous and all encompassing in their movement.'
There is little or no need to describe an analog clock in such detail.
I would ask that you try and find a middle ground between this and the original story in terms of pacing. Detail is good, but when descriptions become tangents that end up having little significant bearing on the story, remember: word count is not the end-all-be-all. Can you dive into a chapter like a ballpit of your childhood? Or do you have to burrow your way through clock descriptions?
I feel like the description is out of place in this case, while neat to see a good description of what is happening, a long description in a short chapter (relatively speaking) takes away from both the time for the plot and time for more description. In a way it feels like this and the previous chapter could have been combined in a way to not break up the flow of the story by transitioning to where this chapter begins. Waiting longer for chapters with both the story progression of the last chapter and the great detail of the narration in this chapter would be well worth the wait. I'm interested in what you think.
Yo I'm really enjoying this rewrite. So much more introspection & idiosyncrasies really gets me into Mike's mindset. The details are also welcome as they fill out the world more compared to the dialogue heavy of the original
9394581
The clocks were described in such detail to give the impression of how anxious Mike was. He was waiting for something to happen, but nothing happened for a good long while. It describes the anxiousness of waiting for something to happen while having no idea what that 'something' would be. Though, I do agree that there needs to be more action to balance it all out.
9394883
As I just pointed out, this seemingly excessive description of things has its purpose. Otherwise, I wouldn't put it there.
Interesting, it some hoe eerily reminds me of another story with the same premise, Still, this could be an interesting story to read, if you are interested I am open for commissions if you want a cover art for your story, you can find the link to my DA gallery just bellow, and PM me if you can.
https://www.deviantart.com/amalgamzaku
9401910
Thank you for your offer, but I have to decline for a few reasons. One, I have literally no free money to spend on such things, unfortunately. Two, your art style edges into the uncanny valley territory for me, no offense. What you're drawing is damn great: colors, shading, details; but how ponies look... not my taste, sorry. And the third reason is that I want internal consistency for the story, so I'm drawing everything by myself right now. I as an artist need to improve as well, so I'm trying to mix things up in what and how I draw.
9402407
No problem, everyone have a their own tastes for art and don't necessary have the budget to pay for the work, and wanting to do the cover art yourself is certainly admirable, and I wish you the best of luck on that front. But. if you ever change your mind let me know on a PM.
Even better than the first one and i read that 4 times! keep up the good work dude!
nice, Been a while since I read the original and I loved that version so this should be even better. Lookin forward to future updates!
Uh, trying to tell us something, dude?
What’s up with the description?
You describe him as an average human being with generic everything but his personality is not generic at all. He has anxiety, self doubt, and he hesitates for everything even opening a door. His personality is everything but average, he reminds me to a spineless fluttershy. I’m assuming he’s gonna change for the better but for now he’s pathetic.
I wonder if he falls in love with Twilight when she turns into her 'Ponieta' form. Two burning ponys foreverrr
9394088
I got to say I love your story's and can't wait for more.
Ah but what gave him this name?
Question, I can’t remember much of the old story but I thought Luna was sealed a thousand years, did she stay the age she was when sealed or has it only been two hundred years since she was sealed?
10099129
He said at least. So not far off. But I agree, their probably between 1200 to 4000 years old those two. Celestia and Luna that is.
Its a nice start. LUNA is open minded. Celestia could really follow her example.
10441933
Nice change of pace seeing how the roles are switched
Huh. So he's the demon that catches wrongdoers. Yeah there are ways for that to be good.