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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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9375165
My friend.
And think of it as a coping mechanism as chapter three will show more character then just nice guy and give a reason why behind how he acts that ill be more detailing in future chapters. Again I can completely see what you are saying and i'm actually happy someone is looking at him so critically but the first two chapters are more me setting the sheet of characters that you'll see the most of then going into the minds of them.
Can't wait for the next chapter
9375661
thank you I plan to have it out soon.
You called him jake (and yes, you used a lower case j) at one point. I am intrigued to see
where this goes.
9376288
Such sharp eyes you have. Thanks for the point out and I can only hope I can satisfy your curiosity.
ur 1st story is a good story
Okay, I can finally stop pretending I have a life. My thoughts on this chapter so far.
I still think this guy is a sociopath possibly even a psychopath but I'll get to that later.
I feel like there are not enough details in some descriptions leaving it feeling flat or rushed, Ex "Twilight." Jack said being dragged by the excited girl. Unless you read from chapter to chapter people may forget twilight yanked him from the hospital doors, but yet we don't know where Twilight is heading towards or how far they got before her friends caught up or if Twilight was even talking to him about something or just mumbling to herself about... Twilight things.
And this "Sorry guys Jacks already told me i should slow down and brought up that we should show him around." Twilight replied looking at the group sheepishly We just read Jack saying something very similar to that and in normal everyday life people repeat themselves and repeat others constantly but in book format that's completely redundant and unneeded and in some cases it just feels for lack of a better word wooden for the readers.
This is more of a pet peeve of mine Jack asked hopefully with a chuckle, looking at the group as they laughed with him. It sounds like he's just having a small chuckling but everybody else is uproar with laughter. It comes across like the two parties are laughing at two different intensities at this little joke.
{She said marching on the group [as they] quickly following behind} {you seem to be handling this whole dying and [new] world thing} forgot a few small words.
You see, when i was younger i got in a fight that almost killed me
but obviously you can see it didn't at least that one did not."that part is not needed and he makes it seems like he got killed in a fight and not from saving a little girl
Jack stated while stretching his arm "After I got out of the hospital I started looking at how my life was and what I had done so far and realized I wasn't living my full potential.I think this could be a strong character moment for him, because it seems like this fight that sent him to the hospital, was a strong turning Point in his life but we don't know if it was a negative point and he feels ashamed for what happened or a positive point that he see he became a much better person but whatever it was it forced him to look back on his life and change it
One of my siblings when i brought it up to them made me make a promise with them as they know I despise those who don't keep important promises that from then on I'd always look to the positive ways of things no matter the situation.""Is that why you smile so much."-- No" Jack said, the smile on his face shrinking a little as a sadness crept across his eyes. " Thats for a different promise. One just as important as the one I told you already." He finished a frown finally taking up his features as he looked at the ground. Shaking his head the smile returned " This is what I was talking about before about him overcompensating he goes from looking sad to have a frown on back to having a smile within a matter of seconds making it feel fake (at least to me) it seems like you're trying to portray him showing his motion through his eyes but always keeping a smile on for others so having him also showing emotion through his facial features seems a bit redundant and takes away from him as well.
The girls looked at each other with frowns on their face and questions behind their eyes before following the weird man. On entering they already found him chatting with Mrs.Cake and the twins All laughing at some joke he told them the girls had just missed. Man that must have been one fast joke because the girls just look at each other and he's finishing a joke. Plus i think you should leave the eye emotion thing to just Jack to keep that uniqueness to him (if that was what you were trying to go for).
the others just watching from a distant their jaws hanging open from how fast he was eating
Are they in shock, disgust, amazed, intrigued? They just have their mouth open as they watch him eat.
Whipping his face he smiled weakly at the group Whipping X -> Wiping
a magenta hand slammed down on the table and a blade pressed to his neck. Tempest shot back pressing the knife harder to Jacks neck Jack rolled his eyes and looked as best as he could at the offending mare in question And this is what makes me think he falls into psychopath territory he has little to no reaction to a possible deadly situation his heart's not beating faster he's not getting any other adrenaline rush he's not going into a panic or going into a fight or flight state of mind he's just calm cool and collected. And this only strengthens my theory of him being either a psychopath or a sociopath when Tempest asked him have you ever killed before that what beings out an emotion shown as a deep scowl and he goes even further "as if a stranger said it and not the happy, smiling man just a moment ago" and he even pushes out a tear for this.
But an inconsistency with Twilight and her friends Tempest is ready to kill him on the spot in the publics eye in a bakery and possibly in front of children yet Twilight just said what the
should be in
Celestia's name do you think you are doing! yet when they find out he killed in the past when he was in the military that's when they feel unsafe for some reasonTwilight should have a bigger explosion as to why Tempest goes to such an extreme form just out of nowhere
"Don't be. Soldiers recognize Soldiers." Jack said but something under it made Tempest shake
from her reaction why does it sound like that was a threat?
God damn, that took far longer then i thought it would but theres my thoughts on this.
P.s if my next one is somewhat this long would you rather have me send you a pm or leaving it as a comment is fine?
9378991
Well first off let me make this clear Thank you for the detailed problems this is exactly what i was looking for to help with my writing but lets go down the list.
1. The first point with him being dragged by Twilight you are absolutely right. The norm in stories here do have her excitedly talking or mumbling to herself. I'll get on fixing that after this comment.
2.again correct about the repeat it doesn't feel natural. let me see if I can word it better or if not I can just remove it.
3.The laughs are more like he is having an embarrassed laugh at himself but not loud enough to count as a full "laughter" while the girls aren't hindered by embarrassment.
4. totally agree with the words, sometimes i think so fast but the hands don't write it all.
5. The added statement is sort of a dark humor joke as he pokes some fun at himself.
6.Glad you like that see i'm not trying to dump the all the characters secrets with in the first few chapters I want to build it out keep some mystery to the character Jack
7. I have to counter this with "Haven't you ever had a moment where you were happy and smiling but then thought of a sad memory?" I know I personally have had moments being at a party but then a second later i'm sad because I thought of one of my past pets but having to push the thoughts and emotion away to smile for my friends. Thats where Jack matches as humans we can switch emotions or at least change our faces quickly.
8.There are tons of jokes you can say in just a few moments.
9.The eating yes I can see your point. It doesn't have the proper descriptions.
10.also see your point.
11.As is revealed later he was a soldier and has killed so he has a good grip on his emotions in regards to these situations and again I plan to flesh him out and give more backstory to his character I know scenes like these are a little strange but there WILL be chapters later where you'll get why.
12.Some soldiers can talk about their killings and others can't again he's human. If you've ever talked to a soldier or someone who's been in a war the psychological damage to them can sometimes be huge. Family or friends when they hear the person talk about it can remark that the soldier doesn't sound the same to the usual sound. (source) My uncle
13.That next part is mainly do to twilight and the girls usually knock out or detain bad guys but Tempest on the other hand once served the storm king and you can imagine a guy like that upgraded to mature audience probably told her to kill. And after they find out he's killed keep in mind they don't so hearing that come from an admittedly new person makes them tip the still fresh scale into bad guy territory for a time.
14.Not a threat as more of a I know what you've done statement again Storm king probably told her to kill before.
and there you go some agreements and counters with why's behind it. hope this helps you understand a little better and if you make anymore of these go right ahead.
um, this brought me up short....when did Jack tell them how he showed up after dying? Applejack asks him about it...and yet I didn't see anywhere last chapter where it was mentioned/reacted to! Sorry, but that's a giant plothole unless I missed it?
9400872
Last chapter he explains during the questioning who he was and how he got here. EDIT( You are correct it doesn't say actually)
this is how i imagine the character when ive read the title!
freeapplewallpapers.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/10/DC-Universe-Online-The-Joker.jpg
it only goes to show how twisted and demented my mind is ryt now!
smiling warrior!
9409021
I mean who's to say Jack isn't slightly broken up in his head.
like deku from my hero?
9594422
No, Do you have a scene from the show in mind as I can't think of any.