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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Just read both chapters and one thing I got to say is he jumps into danger without thinking (which is not the problem within its self ) but that leads into why did he jump into a fight with a mythical creature that I'm assuming is much larger than him (forgot if you said anything about its size ). He's quite lucky he got a boost in his abilities because if not he would have died within 2-3 minutes of coming into this new world.
Would have liked to see a brief training period to see him test his new abilities such as climb a tree with ease, break rocks and boulders, run, maybe react faster to a falling branch or something of that nature to clue him and the reader he's not a normal human being anymore. Because he just manhandles this thing as if its a toy dog with no fear or hesitation. I would also say he doesn't show much personality other than the sweet nice guy and I find that much too boring. He also takes everything way too easy going for finding out he just died and there's a cosmic entity that just does what he wants with peoples souls to relieve his boredom, and that the multiverse theory is true or some form of it is true being plopped into a new world and seeing a new a sentient life that's an amalgamation of horse and human.
I think it's still too early to say if your hook on why he's here has a strong base but at the moment it has promise being a link back to Hercules and the Greek mythology.
I could go more into the nit-picky stuff but I think this is fine for now.
9374859
Thank you for the comment and you are right about how the character acts as sort of just 'Nice guy' but its because i have already in place WHY he's thats along with the character is loosely based on an old friend of mine that would always jump to help others even if it put his life into danger ( he ended up in the hospital more then once because of this) along with skills that he already had before dying. stay tooned and i promise more will start fitting.
9374882
when you say
the character is loosely based on an old friend of mine that would always jump to help others even if it put his life into danger ( he ended up in the hospital more then once because of this) along with skills that he already had before dying.
do you mean Jack having skills before dying or your friend? Because how it's written it could be seen both ways.
But when I brought up the 'Nice Guy' mark it was more or less saying he's overly polite for no reason for example at the hospital, he should be more confused or scared, untrusting, or maybe even defensive but the first thing that came out his mouth was
"Am I that scary, guards are needed miss." Jack asked putting on his best smile to hopefully not scare them.
at face value it seems like he's just trying to ease the tension, or how I see the situation which I find more disturbing (to me it feels like he's just plastered on a big fake smile)
then when he finds out the princesses are coming in to meet with him "The princesses will be notified you are awake and they will decide what happens next." implying there could be some sort of a negative outcome his reaction is.
"Wait, princesses as in royalty. Oh i do not look good enough i haven't even had a bath yet i probably smell horrible!"
the first thing he's worried about is other people's perception of him. Now that could be just him but that still doesn't show us who he is other then he's nice and polite to the point where he could be overcompensating. But both those examples could just be him throwing out a sarcastic joke to ease the tension but it doesn't come off that way, it sounds like he's being serious. and if he is being serious it's almost coming off as him being a Sociopath.
Or maybe I'm looking far too deep into this and seeing things that are not even there.
But can you see my point of view on his lack of personality being display In the first two chapters distorting my view of the character?
I only have one correction (or complaint, however you want to see it) and it's if this guy is an American, he should not be bowing to royalty. He can still be respectful to royalty, but bowing basically means submitting to the monarchy. There's a reason why the American flag isn't "bowed" like the rest of the flags during international ceremony. We're Americans, not subjects, and we fought to the free of a monarchy.
9413006
Imagine it this way you get sent to a new world and hear that a person is royalty. You don.t know the protocol or how they act to things like this. Bowing is like taking a safe bet to not get beheaded immediately.
9413231
Presenting your head so they don't take it? Good call!!!
10792760
Reminds me of the old saying "Either bend the knee or have it broken"
And to be fair, i too like my knees.