I'm just your everyday dragon of shadows here to write stories and help others write theirs as best I can. I mainly enjoy writing about underrepresented species. Message me at Schattendrache#9353
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The Great and Not Obsessive Trixie2,047 stories ·1,636 members
When Starlight and Trixie are called to an old, abandoned manor, Starlight is skeptical of the legends of a curse hanging over the house. But why would the map call them if there’s nopony here?
Wait, those doors weren't open before. And why does this not look like it's been abandoned? What was that sound just now?
This story is a Christmas present for my friend Azure Drache and was posted here for your enjoyment with his ok.
Edited by 0_0. The long description also thanks to them.
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What a nice story you made
And that in such a short time
I must say I expected something more dark to happen after you told me what you was going to do, but it turned out emotional and sweet, great work!
Edit: About me choosing a horror story, well, it is one of my favorite tags for stories here
And with how well this turned out, a lot of people will have a good read thanks for your writing skills with it
Not bad! I liked the buildup to the reveal, how certain things seemed out of place against the dilapidated house. The suspense worked well there.
Starlight and Trixie once again make a good team. I feel that this was more of a Starlight story given how she felt more invested in getting this friendship mission solved. Trixie felt rather subdued, though that can be forgiven due to her anxiety of thinking the house was haunted. Still, both had their moments.
However, once the reveal comes, the pacing becomes rather ho-hum. Events go from high tension to long exposition very quickly. I think some parts could have been trimmed down to keep things interesting.
Other than that, good work!
9377907
Yeah, to address your criticisms. This was mainly a Starlight fic due to me having a better grasp (or at least I think I do) on her character than Trixie. As for the pacing, that's just kind of my thing. If you ever go through the works I do, I tend to have extremely slow pacing. I have a liking to stories with LONG drawn out events that are described in great detail. [A good example would be A New Life, where I will end up having around 70K words covering the events of two days.] As I said in my A.N., my original plan was to kill Mossy off [he wouldn't have been a kid in that version] and have the tension stay high throughout. But due to how depressing that ending would have been, and since this was a gift, it was changed to give a happy ending with a more relaxed pacing.
I would like it if you could tell me the parts you felt could have been trimmed and what improvements you would have for the story. I want to improve as a writer, so any critique is appreciated.
9377943
One thing I can think of off the top of my head is Starlight's tail injury. It comes and goes with a few lines and doesn't amount to much. The other is the meeting with Keen Eye. You could have cut everything with the receptionist and just have them meet him right off the bad. Little things like that can tighten things up.
Probably some of the descriptions of Starlight and Trixie wandering around the house. That does add to the mystique however, so that's more justifiable to keep in.
9377978
I probably would agree with you on the tail injury. I was trying to show that what Mossy could become were major threats and that their lives were at risk. If it didn't work then I should have gone a different way with it or just kept the threat implied. As for the receptionist, I was attempting to make the world feel lived in, that there are more ponies and beings to the world than the ones that actually see major "screen" time. If it just bogs down the story I'll try to keep the use of tertiary characters to a minimum in my future works.
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9377986
I disagree on that. When this scene happend the reader was already in tension how this all would turn out, delaying the unavoidable by a few seconds increses the tension, not smallers it.
*Headtips and churr-clicks my beak in deep thought, then begins signing in reply with gryphon paws.*
Ok after reading this, I will try a guess...
I'd have to wager Mossy was a dove, altho I couldn't figure why doves were magical, other than being a symbol of peace. Maybe that was from Mossy feeling peaceful to Starlight Glimmer to heal her tail.
Sadly I don't know too much about mystical birds like the Phoenix or such, other wise my guess may have been better.
The story itself was excellent and the buildup was good, altho the story had taken me sideways after Moss'es reveal in the basement, but it was a thankful change in direction.
Being abandoned is never fun, I had broken ties from the family that raised me because of some very bad things that happened as I was growing up, so I can identify with Mossy here. I was only able to function when I met my gf/then wife who became my best friend for 15 years and we have a 14 year old daughter, who are all MLP FIM fans.
This was a great §tory again, and I can't wait for more from you dear Drake.
(I do have an idea of a one shot idea... if you're interested... PM me when you wish. ) *Winks a hazel-green eye at you*
Cheers mate,
Gryphon <><
9379028
Well, I was going to say a pigeon, but dove is so much fitting...
So yeah Mossy transformed into a dove, but not any Dove, but to God, most specifically the Holy Spirit in form of a dove...
Of course I can be wrong
9420582
*pawsigns and nodding in reply*
That's exactly the imagery I was trying to convey... /) *Brohoofs*
Cheers,
Gryphon <><
1 Corinthians 15 : 1-4
9420582
9421482
Unfortunately, the bird is more interesting than a dove. I will give the hint that how each of them responded to seeing Mossy is an aspect to the bird that mostly reveals what it actually is.
9420582
I mean... Doves are just white pigeons in my opinion.
9422124
Lemme try a swing at this; but first, may I ask a question? Does the bird exist within our own real world, or is it a mythical bird?
9486444
Well, read the description I gave of it and how Starlight and Trixie each reacted to it. I don't want to answer that question directly as it would give a bit of an unfair advantage. I will say that Azure Drache accidentally figured it out on his first attempt, so the answer isn't too hard, it just requires piecing ALL the clues together.
9486488
Yeah, good point, I didn't really think about that. Someone already said dove so I'mma say Swan.
9486488
It was an accident, really
9486759
It twas not a swan.
9487173
I'm just going to assume I used up all my guesses and continue with a joke that isn't even mine.
"That's the sickest goose I've ever heard. Hey, are you okay, you're sounding a little hoarse. Just kidding! You're a goose!"
And now the world will never know-- I just noticed you guys both have Drache in your names.
9487341
And we're friends too. I never stipulated the amount of attempts anyone could have, only that the first person to figure it out gets the prize
9487366
Yeah, but I don't think you'd want the same person to be pestering you over and over about a what kind of bird you wrote about.
Is... Is it goose?
9487384
Alas, it was not a goose. The bird that I'm looking for is: Pure white, with a heavenly glow, has brown eyes that enrapture whatever looks into them, is magically able to heal anything that looks into its eyes, and if you aren't looking it in the eyes you are filled with utter despair.
9496660
I don't... This doesn't feel right to take another guess, so I'm just gonna say this is my last try. Is it alright if I send it to you in a pm? I ask because I don't even have an idea for a one shot right now, I just wanted to try and find out what kind of bird it was.
The reason I say it doesn't feel right is because your reply shows the bird is, indeed, magical in nature. This left it for mythical birds, which then left only a handful of ones to choose from. If I'm wrong, that's cool. If I'm right, please don't feel obligated to make a story (as happy as I would be otherwise). I was able to learn about a bunch of cool birds, from Germany to China, both real and mythical. I didn't even know albinism was a thing in the bird world!
This way, if someone puts the bird in the comment section before I can think up a one shot idea, than maybe they could get the one shot instead.
Thanks for that! This was pretty fun!
9496709
sure, you can send it in a PM.
Caladrius, the legendary borb of Rome!
9497286
The answer is thus. THE BIRB HAS BEEN FOUND!!
9497286
9497291
That was about time!!!
9498721
I mean... I do now, but... This excuse loses its power when it no longer applies...
I don't know birds!
You can has review!