Hey guys! It's me, Discord!
After ensuring nobody stays at Canterlot High School for the night, Vice-Principal Luna is about to close the doors and head home. However, when she checks the labs, she finds a flask with an odd content. The curiosity makes her taste it.
She would regret doing that if she didn't like what happens next…
This is a one-shot short story requested by JimmyHook19. Hope you like it.
Images made by goattrain on DeviantArt.
Oh, and TwiPON3 has made a short sequel for this. It's here.
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Precisely 1,000 words! A first for you, good sir, but an instant fave from me.
9360970
Thanks! Also, what if that 1,000 is a coincidence with the character on the story?
9360979
To misquote Robin Williams,
9360996
9361000
Well, it is. But Nightmare Moon probably ate A LOT of cheese...
9361004
Most likely.
Great story! You, my good sir, are magnificent! But alas, as every writer makes a small mistake here & there, even thou hast made one :
It should've been 'She thought'. Anyways, we don't blame thou for making a mistake as all makest them. We are marvelled at the fact that thou hast written this in only thousand words! Thou shalt get a reward! And that would be a like & addition to our library! (Okay, I'll stop now!
)
Crystal Out! xxxx
9361025
Ha! Thank you for the comment. Oh, and thanks for telling me. Fixed!
Noice :3
Instant Thumbs Up, Favorite, and added to my Library of Requests from you! <3
Although just one tiny little problem: I thought you were going to add the images ^^;
9361060
Thanks!
Add the... Oh...
9361061
Your Welcome =3
Yeah.... can you fix that up real quickly for me please? ^^;
9361063
Images? Experimental!
9361080
yeah, I just didn't want you being the only one to do so in your stories X3
9361080
Glad you like it!
9361084
Like Stable 17?
9361091
Well.... some of your other stories outside of that ^^;
I wonder what happens the next day...
9361100
It's a mystery.
9361107
You mind if I try to write a sequel of sorts?
9361109
Hmmm...
Sure, you can try.
9361092
Such as?
9361122
It's up.
To be blunt, this is really bad.
However, there were some good parts. I liked the good art throughout the story, and I liked the transformation scene, but mostly it was really bad.
1) It was extremely telly. Ever heard of "show, don't tell"?
2) Luna was out-of-character with how overwhelmingly stupid she acted. Seriously, you walk into a lab, you see a chemical, and drip some on your skin! And then you DRINK IT just 'cause?!?!? Why is it left out in the first place?! Ugh, idiots
3) This entire premise and you never make a reference to Jekyll and Hyde?!?! How dare you?! I mean, the only possible direct reference that I found was that the chemical was green. This was the entire reason I wanted to read this! You disappoint me.
Signing out, VShuffler42
9361862
Two words: SHUT UP.
You are just jealous >:/
9361880
Okay...
1) You don't have the right to tell me to shut up just for stating my opinion. Though if you're just joking, then you need to let me know.
2) Let me clarify. Unlike most times when I comment, I was tired and I didn't have the time to check all my boxes and clarify exactly what I was saying. So if by any means, I did not clarify and insulted either you (Since (s)he commissioned it for you) or the author or sounded mean or apathetic, I apologize. To make it up, I'll try and turn my original comment into constructive criticism (Which is what I usually do anyway).
I liked the premise of the story. It is a good idea. I just think it could have been written better. That said, I have read worse.
For my first point, I am going to be blunt. Like I said before, it was very telly. "Show, don't Tell" is a difficult concept to grasp for newer writers, especially since the author told me on my user page that (s)he hadn't even heard of that term. To be honest, this is the worst thing about this story. But I'm not angry, I'm just disappointed. I have read many stories where this had been a problem that would otherwise be really good. Where it had an excellent premise, but the story was ruined by it being too telly. I still have trouble with "Show, don't Tell" myself every now and then. It is just difficult to get right. I am going to send the author a PM on what "Show, don't Tell" means and how to use it., but the gist ot it is that instead of telling the audience what is happening, you show them what is happening by 'painting a picture in their minds'.
As for my second point, Luna does act incredibly stupid in the story. She walks the halls, sees a chemical laying about (which is stupid, in of itself. It should have been put away. And yes, I read the sequel, so I know Pinkie left it there, that doesn't change anything). Then she drops the unknown, unlabeled chemical on her skin! Then since it seemingly does nothing, she decides to drink it, just because! This is so overwhelmingly stupid that it drags me out of the story. Luna, in character, would never do something so stupid. She's way too smart for that. If she was that stupid, she wouldn't had been hired as the Vice Principal. It would be more believable for her to accidentally knock it down and then it falls on her. (Also when I said idiots. I was calling the characters idiots, not you and the author)
As for my third point, in all honesty, I did only read this for a reference to Jekyll and Hyde. It is the perfect premise to make one. And yes, when I didn't find one, I was slightly disappointed. But this was not a major issue. I didn't mean for it to sound so serious. I came, expecting and waiting for one to happen, but it never did. That's all. (Though I genuinely believe it would had made the story better.)
Even with all this, I did enjoy the art/transformation scene. The art was extremely well drawn. But this is not enough to make the story good.
I stand by my opinion that it is really badly written, but now I add that, I can see the potential. To be honest, I have read some even worse stories on this site and elsewhere. If the story was less telly, and Luna was portrayed less stupid, it would be a much better read.
So when you say I'm jealous, No I'm not. I am not jealous of this story's quality. This story is really bad, despite the potential. Instead, I am jealous that the author even has time to write. I have almost no time to write my stories. I have more 10 stories I want to write and have started to write, but I simply don't have the time to finish. (And therefore they are not submitted or published yet.
Well in any case, Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays.
Signing out, VShuffler42
9363198
Let me be clear though..... This is Fan Material Luna, not Canon Material Luna. KNOW THE DIFFERENCE.
9363198
9363246
Please, don't argue, ok? I'm gonna tell some things.
VShuffler42, I added the "Alternate Universe" tag. That could be a reason for Luna to drink the liquid, because Canon Luna would probably not do it. When I write a story and I think the characters will not act like we know, I use the "Alternate Universe" tag since it helps me a lot.
I'm still waiting for that PM so you can tell me what "show, don't tell" means. I would be glad to know what it is.
As for the "Jekyll and Hyde" reference, I didn't think about that. Maybe that could be a reason for Luna to drink, since she would have probably seen the movie, but I didn't think about that when I was writing. Otherwise, I would have added that reference. Sorry if that disappointed you.
Having explained those things, I suppose you still think this story is bad. And that offended me because, after writing the stories I have here, you're the first person to say that.
I guess having a few issues can make the difference between a good story and, as you say, a really bad one.
9363299
Sorry ^^;
9363299
9363305
Okay... I'm sorry. I was actually in the middle of replying to you JimmyHook19, when I took a moment to refresh the page and I saw this.
Look, I'm sorry if I offended you, but it was a badly written story. (I shouldn't have said really) However, I will say that I can ultimately see the potential. It wasn't as bad as I first said, okay? It just needs some work. Make it less telly and it will be a lot better.
You will receive the PM by the end of the day. Maybe not soon, because I am going to be going on a 5 hr long car ride soon, but at least by the end of the day. I think it will help you.
As for the Jekyll and Hyde reference, even though the absence of one did disappoint me, it wasn't a major issue, just more of a missed opportunity, alright? If you were too busy or you didn't think of it, I understand.
I'll get started on the PM right away.
Singing out, VShuffler42
9363366
Alrighty
9363366
I also think it will help me. And yeah, I was a bit busy at the time of writing the story, so I didn't think about adding that reference.
Still, thank you for understanding.
9363381
If it helps with show don't tell, you need to assume your audience can piece two and two together. You don't necessarily need to say that everyone had already left the building because you already said that it's late at night, and it's common sense that no one would be there. You don't really need to tell the reader that Luna had accepted the task to check everything at the school and that Celestia had ALSO left as well because she herself said that it's time to be the security guard. You don't need to tell the reader why she's locking the door, because it's obvious why she's locking the door because you've already told us why she's there. Twice. That is, of course, unless you're trying to make a point about Luna being really cautious or something, but then she isn't because she drinks the unlabeled vial (which isn't really a problem just because it's the premise that you were working with, but I do agree with VShuffler42 that it's pretty overwhelmingly stupid).
The transformation part is a bit better with the whole show and tell just because it's more acceptable to tell physical appearances, but things like "Luna said, happy because of what was happening" could definitely be changed from just telling the reader that she's happy to saying that she's laughing or grinning. Just something else, an action that would imply she was happy.
Also, maybe it's because nothing is happening in the second part while she's walking through the school, but it's incredibly dull to read because it's just a laundry list of Luna going through rooms and looking at nothing. Nothing is out of place and nothing is going wrong and it's also not adding to the story in any way, so why is this part here?
Anyway, show don't tell is basically don't give the reader information directly that you can give indirectly and also have the characters do something in the meantime and don't tell the reader something that is very clearly obvious from the setting you're in or the characters' actions, because then it feels like you think the reader is too stupid to figure out what's going on. It is usually fine to tell physical characteristics though, because unless it's a real talking point (someone so hulkingly tall they need to crouch to fit inside someone's house maybe?) I don't think it's important to focus on too much.
9363606
Oh, so "show, don't tell" means that? Thanks for telling me.
That's the only thing I didn't like of the explanation.
Oh, and about this:
I added the "Alternate Universe" tag because I felt that would explain Luna's actions, because she wouldn't actually do that.
Anyways, thanks for the info on that. It sure helps.
9363606
-speaks calmly- Who requested this story? Oh I remember now: Me!
9363625
Yea not saying that's what you were thinking, just the sort of impression it gave off.
9363627
k
9363663
Thanks for telling me anyways.
But what do you think about the story? Or about what I said of the "Alternate Universe" tag?
9363663
Alrighty.
9363665
Honestly I don't care for the premise in the first place, but that's just completely subjective. I think the beginning is really slow, mostly because of the part where she's just walking around and nothing happens. There's also some grammatical errors strewn about and weird phrasing ("for going back home" "left for going home"); I would go through reading word by word or use a text to speech or something to try to catch things like that. Once it gets into the transformation it's a bit better (although I feel that may have been just easier for you to write because it's a lot of just physical description based off pictures you had?) but there are still some awkward things. Like that one break in the middle of the transformation that feels really unnecessary as well. It would make a lot of sense if there was something in between, but there isn't, so it's just kind of there.
I don't think the problem is that Luna is acting out of character, I think the problem is that Luna is acting like a bad character. Unless this alternate universe is just one specifically without general lab safety instructions, which would be a really weird AU, she's just being stupid. It's not really a matter of in character or out of character, any character in that situation doing this would be stupid. So I don't really think AU matters here.
9363698
Oh, I can fix those grammar errors. Thanks.
Also:
What do you mean? Isn't there something in between?
9363707
As it stands, you cut away from Luna transforming just to cut back into Luna transforming. Why make the cut at all?
9363710
Uh, I think I added one or two bits of text before that. And maybe I wanted to try and make a dramatic pause, like on MLP show.
9363716
Okay yea I can see that sort of commercial break cut back in.
9363726
Thanks.
9363726
9363743
Aw man. You beat me to it... I had to go on a 5 hour car ride... well the PM was sent before I read this so...
And Rubilaxe, with your point on her being a bad character instead of out of character, I agree and disagree. It would be stupid for any character to do that, like you said. But if the main character was meant to be stupid, then it makes the story more believable. Though, it would probably turn it into a comedy. So I think it's both. She is acting like a bad character, and therefore acting out of chracter. But if the main character was someone like Snips or Snails, characters that are meant to not be very smart, then it would still make the story more believable.
Signing out, VShuffler42
9364072
Ah yea, that's true, didn't think of that.
9364072
9364900
Hmmm...
Now that I think about it, would it be better if I added the "Comedy" tag?
9364941
No. The story does not focus on comedy. This story is more serious and it is not trying to make us laugh.
I was only implying that if the main character was meant to be stupid from the very beginning, it would naturally write itself to be more comedically inclined, because it would be difficult to take the main character seriously, and therefore it would be funnier as we laugh as his/her misfortune that (s)he him/herself causes.
This story doesn't have that.
I mean you could add the Comedy tag but you would have to revise your story.
Signing out, VShuffler42
9364966
You didn't get it. I meant adding the tag and putting on the description that the tag is there for a slight bit of comedy, but the story is still Dark (obviously).
9365046
Yes I understand. I'm just saying this story was not written to be a comedy. It does not have enough focus on comedy to be considered a comical story.
For example, someone might laugh at a certain funny moment in Romeo and Juliet, but one would not consider it a comedy. Same applies for this story.
Signing out, VShuffler42
9364941
9365046
It's not a comedy though? Unless I completely missed something, but I don't think I did.
I believe VShuffler42's point was that, had you written it in a certain way, it would have been more comedic.