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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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9352962
It will be like that for a while but I will try to fix that later.
The language at the very beginning was harsher than expected, especially Luna's first line. You don't want to overpower the dialogue with profanity, so you might wanna consider toning it down a bit.
A bit more description of what the others are doing when writing about them would help add depth to the story
(ex. Pinkie's interaction).
Other than that it's pretty good.
9351219
Yes please! Continue it. The only thing which makes it not a pleasant read is that it is unfinished.
9352152
I am starting to read the story right now. If it doesn't stop at a critical point like the story that inspired you, I'm sure this is gonna be , as Rainbow Dash says, soooo awesome. :)
Well yea Cadence, the Night Guard does more fighting then the Day Guard will see in a decade.
9937374
More like the night guard kept in fighting shape well the day just didn't get fat.
OK NOW IM LAUGHING!