• Member Since 9th Nov, 2018
  • offline last seen Yesterday




I have decided to put Tic Tac on hiatus because I realized I have made the mistake many new authors make; my first story (Tic Tac) I'm writing is an 'Epic' so to say. What is an 'Epic' you ask? I don't know the actual definition, don't sue me. From what I've gathered an 'Epic' is a large story focused on adventure and generally 'Epic' stuff. I know it's a bad definition but too bad I'm not that knowledgeable.

I will hopefully come back to this story, but for now I'm going to focus on less 'Epic' stories.

Below you will find the original description.

Tic a changeling in disguise and his pony brother try to join the Royal Guard but what awaits them there?
The main reason behind the Alt Universe tag won't come in story for awhile... Although you will get snipets the story will mainly focus on canon for now. Same deal with the dark tag.
This is the second story I've started to write but I didn't like the first one so I ditched it I'll probably write it again but... Later
And as my favorite author on this website always says! "Comments are a writer's food pellets!"

Oh and the story takes place two months before the Summer Sun Celebration.

Chapters (3)
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Comments ( 11 )

A solid first chapter, i would say

And as my favourite guy on here always says, "Comments are an author's food pellets!"

Very well, let’s see if I can give you some food for thought then. The story definitely contains a nice idea; while there are quite a few fics with changelings joining the guard, never before have I seen one where two changeling brothers do so. Also, it seems the relationship between these two is well-thought.

But I’ll stop beating around the bush. While the idea is good, the execution itself is not. It mainly suffers from its rapid pacing—the plot moves forward too fast, there is no atmosphere to get the reader properly invested in the story, nor to leave an impact on him. The reason the story feels this way is because it’s mostly just dialogue without any meaty descriptions, there’s just the occasional long sentence with lots of info in it, rushing through each scene. The lack of punctuation is not making this issue better either.

However, all this can be fixed with the help of a good editor. And I believe that if you choose to follow that path, this story’s gonna be great one day!

Anything unclear? Or something I should explain more? :pinkiesmile:

Thank you! I'll try to improve my work for later chapters!

You are welcome! Though, as a more seasoned author, may I share a piece of advice? Your first chapter should be always the highest one* in quality, otherwise people are never going to read through to the "better" chapters :applejackunsure:

*And the rest of the story should also reach that quality.

Not bad for a first story. Writing is much like painting or playing an instrument. The more you do it, the better you get.

Great start, I look forward to more.

The Monk
“On her doorstep was Twilight Sparkle. While Derpy deeply respected the mare, like most in Ponyville, they wished she'd either switch to decaf, or start hitting the harder stuff.” -Dan_s Comments

Good chapter, i like it, but i have to ask

“Hey… Rose?” Ditzy spoke looking over at another mare in her group, “I think that blue one is it.”

After putting in a piece of paper each the doctor pulls out a paper reading, ‘'Slowly integrate into his life and then when he trusts us we drop the bomb about him being a changeling and interrogate. Love Derpy~ :P’

is Derpy now her real name and Ditzy the cover, like with Bon Bon and Sweetie Drops?

alright, reading the first chapter, there are quite a few things that could be better (Dont worry... the worse your writing is, the easier, quicker and more straightforward improving is^^ In my position, its all a giant question mark to me)

first of all, the first paragraph has you using the brothers name at every opportunity. It quickly registered to me as an endless flow of Tic..Tac...Tic...Tic...Tac...Tic, not helped by the fact that their names are so similar.

For example, the first sentence:
"C'mon Tic! We have to train if we want to join the guard one day!" Tac yelled over at Tic.
First of all, we dont technically need the characters name in the first sentence, this is the moment you put in a physical description. Also, why would he even shout that? Its obvious to the characters, and to the reader too if they read the description. Start with describing their effort, how Tac is already pushing his limit. And then have him shout something like "Push harder, the guard doesnt accept weaklings!"

Second, coming back to the constant naming, "Tac yelled" would have been fine. Tic would react in the next sentence anyway, that's where we can get his name. After that, you will want to use words like "he" whenever you can replace a name with it without confusing the reader who's talking. Its a bit of an art, and gets much harder when there are more than two characters, but in that case, its usually okay to use names a fair bit more often.

Next up, some minor writing rules (none of them are set in stone, but unless you know exactly why you are breaking them, you shouldn't):
"Ha ha ha ha ha" <- dont do that, describe it as "uproarious laughter", but dont write out more than one "ha".

Tic immediately began doing push ups and within a matter of 2 minutes finished all 100 push ups, before noticing Tac on his 28th Wing up. <- this might be different from author to author, but I would urge you not to use numbers. especiallly 100, because I wouldnt know whether to read it as "a hundred" or "one-hundred"

The two brothers were quickly introduced to their commander who was unsurprisingly, named 'Boot', although the two thought this was just a dumb nickname kinda like their own, they just went with it. <- this is called "skipping over a scene", which you should only do when you dont think the scene doesnt have enough meat to be written out normally (or the chapter is already chock-full of scenes like this and you dont think it could take another.) However, if you only do this, you're not really telling me a story. You're summarizing a story to me

1. Only 4 ponies in the arena at all times, two ponies from each team.

2. Since the amount of trainees were short this year each team got a handicap for some reason, only about ten pound weights on their legs, fifteen for Earth Ponies, a slight magic suppressor, and the pegasus got of easy and didn't have anything extra.

2.5. Although this wasn't explicitly said the magic suppressor made it harder for Tic to stay in his pony form reminding him to create a pony shell for training instead of the regular disguise method.

3. Do not severely injure any pony, you are allowed to knock them out though, and give them a thoroughly bruised and blooded body.

4. Any siblings or ponies that had significantly affected another's life were put on the opposite team.

5. One Life. <-Like numbers, dont do lists. The only exception is when they're reading something, then you can use both lists and numbers

Tic immediately liked Crate at least five times more than he had before. But before Tic had time to do something a hoof was rammed into his horn.

“Ah! Mother Bucker!” He yelled as he was thrown backwards, looking up he saw his pegasus brother looking at him intently. “Fuzzy blue bastard…” He mumbled to himself. <- action scenes in writing are hard. Lemme tell you that right now, it it often an exercise in trying to find creative scenarios for a fight. I like the part where the hoof is rammed into Tics horn, but... why would he fly backwards from that? Wouldnt just his head snap around? Also, this is a time to describe the pain he feels. "His eyes watered as forced himself to concentrate through the throbbing pain in his spire-"

Tic quipped back before launching a trap he set up for Sky. A spark lit on Sky's hair which started to spread quickly. <- oh, yeah: The protagonists do not get to set up traps without the reader knowing what hes planning. Actually, that isnt true, the reader does have to know however that: he is planning something, plus a hint of what that plan could be, like the character having his eyes fixated on a specific spot for a moment before looking up to taunt their opponent, while thinking: "just one step, pretty hairs~"

Hope that massive dump helps ya out ^^

Thank you so much, I'm brand new with writing so my stuff isn't that good.

Thanks for your help, I'll definitely need this.

Without trying to shill, my story Void Trials starts with a fairly similar scene. (Tryouts for becoming a soldier), if you want something as an example/comparison, you could use that

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