• Member Since 15th Dec, 2018
  • offline last seen June 20th

CousinBraeburn00


T

Sunset Shimmer is an idiot, plain and simple. She gets herself into a bit of a situation, but the best things come from it. Rated T to be safe. SunLight.

Chapters (1)
Comments ( 8 )

[love confession] + [life or death situation] = [most delicious SciSet confession]

Hmm... okay, an interesting start... or should that be middle? Or end? Well, whatever the case, it's certainly an intriguing snippet from a larger narrative (even if only a hypothetical one at this stage) and I'd be interested to see where it goes if expanded into a full work.

As it is, though... well, I feel the lack of buildup kind of hurts it. I like the idea of the confession in the midst of mortal danger - the whole "almost never got a chance to say..." thing - and the confession is very nice on its own. However, the fact that their affections haven't been mentioned beyond allusion up til that point means the impact is somewhat diluted. The fact that most of it is said in retrospect - essentially telling us what they've been feeling (admittedly the point of a confession, but still) rather than showing it - compounds this. Rather than feeling like the culmination of a friendship blossoming into a romance after almost being cut horribly short, it feels just like an event that is then explained. Again, the confession works well enough, just not as strongly as I think it should.

The idea of the villain is kind of the same - there's a lot said about her, but it's all presented like secondhand information. Now, to be fair, the format of the story does limit what you can do with them: because I know this is currently just a one-shot, I know that she's not going to appear or be especially important to the rest of the story, so she doesn't feel mysterious so much as nebulous - I don't wonder who she is or what she can do because neither matter. If this was an In Medias Res prologue to a story that then went back and showed how this all started, she might work quite well (though would need a lot less detail to maintain that mystery), but as is, she's just kind of a thing.

Overall, I do somewhat like this and I'd be interested in seeing if this goes anywhere, but it feels like it could be a lot more.

9351857
Thank you very much for this input. I appreciate it!

Like I had mentioned, it was just something I was playing around with. I'm just glad to have actually typed something out, whether it be a one-shot or not. I do admit I feel the second half of this piece is especially weakened. If I were to turn this into something longer, I would definitely rework this scene (if it happened at all), and polish it up. But that's still just a "what if" at the moment.

But anyway, thank you again! Also, thank you for the favorite.

Nice little story here. Good job

Gotta wonder what the paramedics would make of a magic inflicted wound.

9379715
I like to imagine one would treat it similar to a stab wound. Though the paramedics in that town are probably used to seeing odd, magical wounds and just take it with a grain of salt now.

Bravo!

Seriously, super well written. At first, I was just enjoying the fact that your paragraphs were some long, some short, some super long, etc. Things felt broken up and fluid, but any mistakes you did make (that I consider mistakes) aren't worth mentioning because you wrote this so well. I was hooked from early on -- thinking, this one knows how to use their words -- and then you wrote something like, " ... everything you do, everything you say, makes my heart palpitate ... " Damn, when I read that, my heart palpitated in awe.

So I say again,
Bravo!

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