Love without Feeling
I don't know who will find this journal, or when. I do not know if there is a cure of any sort for my people. My name is Playwright Flare. I am a kirin and I remember how wonderful the feelings of joy, happiness, passion, and love felt. What we were before the stream cooled our emotions and turned us silent inside and out.
My coldness, now my oldest friend, is this curse of silence. We can no longer feel rage to become civilization ending niriks; the cooling has removed far more than just our destructive flame. Without speaking, I feel trapped within my own thoughts, and the best thoughts I can find are memories. From before we accepted this “Cure” of silence.
My husband just came in, the only sound is the door closing. The yearning of my heart flares to feel his embrace. The desire to run to him and wrap my hooves around him while he strokes my mane. Something we did before the silencing our leader demanded.
Yet here I am, writing this with but a simple nod to him and an exasperated silent sigh. My body no longer able to even make the sound of exhaling air in emotional release. While my heart makes demands, I feel the coolness run through me. It drives the warmth of love from me and chills me inside and out. To cool that passion to seek out a simple joy.
I remember what it was like to see him come in, to passionately embrace the stallion I love. To feel his breath upon my neck, to sense his powerful muscles around me being as gentle as possible. The warmth coursing into me from him both physically and emotionally. While my own caresses and sweet soft heat push back into his chest. Yet now, the chill inside is silencing my heart. This chilling quiet more destructive than the embrace of death. Yet here I am, unable to do more than nod in his direction.
Autumn Blaze spoke and attempted to sing to us all. She shattered the curse of silence and for that was given a sentence worse than death, to be alone forever. I cannot decide which form of cancer grows faster; truly being alone or feeling like I am a void in room full of kirin. I want to talk with all of them again. The seed my memories leave cause a tear to well up within my eye.
To speak would make all look upon me, declare me a “Fool” just to save themselves, and remain within this torment and agony. They would declare they do not know me and cast me out; if only to stay within the curse of silence. They would rather be caged than risk burning with passion once more. Our fate of hollowness is far worse than the grim reaper’s scythe could ever be.
If only they could hear the words I write with such fire and passion! No one could deny my teaching! I would stretch out my hooves to them and embrace them, if only to reach their sheltered minds.
We continue within this existence and yet even now as my husband comes back he sees my mind fighting to win. My heart screaming and raging to be heard. All I can do is let a single tear drop upon this piece of paper. Like a silent raindrop it falls to grace my work with the only bit of emotion I can express beyond the words I write. All he can do is look upon me with concern. He is as crippled as I am. Together we are more alone than in a room without each other.
There is no embrace at night. There is no reaching each other that we might save ourselves from this. Any feeling of true love is suppressed by the utter coldness of the curse of silence. Our leader's wisdom may have saved our village from our rage, but her arrogance has doomed all of our souls such that I would rather seek death that stay in this state of being.
I want to speak to him, I want him to hear me. Instead all we hear is the moving of my quill and the teardrops upon the paper. They are like a pindrop upon a Hearth's Warming night. I want us to listen to each other, softly holding one another, heads laid upon pillows of feathers. Whispering sweet nothings to each other again would be simply divine. My soul can only take so much as I look from him to my letter opener. Would he even notice if I were gone?
Would he be able to feel the weight of my death? Would he be able understand with his emotions or would it be purely a logical emotionless thought within him? His lover is now dead, a mere shell of what she once was. Would the cold of silence still grip him or would he find the strength to break the spell and speak? Would I even receive a eulogy from him?
I am lost to that neon water and the power it holds over us. Like a malevolent god, even writing this has caused the cold within to become physically painful. I want to scream out in agony. I want to let the thoughts go and feel the cold wash over as it once did the first time; when I stepped into the stream. Yet if I do not write this, no one will hear my scream.
The words form upon this paper as I fight to write. The chill of the stream trying to stop me from saving our people from a living Tartaric Hell. I have no other way to describe it. I am not allowed to speak it, even as my lips quiver, the cold grips my heart like the ice of Yakyakistan. The depth of chill reaches so far that forcing my lips to move to make a sound has caused me to drop to the floor and lose my will to remain awake.
I am at a loss to say anymore. The torture must come to an end, I must have some hope of escape and at this point. My husband's eyes, they went wide for just the briefest of seconds. Is this the realization of just what is eating at my very heart and soul or is it simply the thought of true loneliness gripping him?
He already goes to a market stall with other kirin all around him yet is completely within a prison. The prison that makes him alone despite being surrounded by our kind. I see the tears in his eyes. The warmth I know is within him, now fighting desperately to beat the cursed silence.
I should feel horror. I should feel regret. I should know the passion to end one's own existence. I have done it so many times upon stage as a illusionary play. The rejection, the rage, the screaming out to the world in utter surrender.
Yet all I feel is empty, I feel the cold embrace of the curse fighting its way trying to reclaim my mind. Now desperate to suppress the passion which had led me to this point. To deny me even the simplest of part of all existence: The right to have an end.
He pushed the knife onto the floor. Physically with his hoof the letter opener rolls away from us. I felt tears well up and force their way out. Not a single raindrop but a stream of silent agony unleashed. The feeling of hopelessness shattered for only the briefest of seconds to allow such a display.
The depth of love it took for him to manage that simple action, yet I have no words with which I could thank him. He felt something that wasn't being suppressed by the blackness that damnable curse of silence brought with it. Together we stayed, closer than we had been since embracing this curse.
As hope begins to fade it was suddenly made anew. I could hear something for the first time in what seems like an eternity. A voice.
Have I made a terrible mistake? Was all this for nothing? Can I finish this writing? Can we be saved? Or is this another false hope, my husband only now fully realizing the horror of my existence without passion?
I watch him read what I’ve written. I see his eyes growing with the same dread I feel waking up every single day. It is not his voice that has fought through our curse. He is as quiet as I am.
Does he even feel it as I do? I see the tears fighting to the surface upon his face. One of them falls and stains this page, next to my own. I feel his hoof against mine. Can this damage be healed, body or soul?
The voice rings out louder in ponish, “If y’all have a friendship problem, we're here to solve it!” I cannot recognize that accent as my strength resist the numbing grip fades. The coldness in my heart spreads through my body. My ability to fight this curse is dying. I must give in. I’m nearly too cold to move. My magic is sparking out to move my quill. Was this pain, truly worth it? To have to scream out so loud with pen till I feel my blood run cold. Could our saviors have arrived? I feel his warmth and look to him, he has heard me.
Has our love found a way? Can I be brought back from the edges of this icey Tartaric cage? Time and action will decide. For now, I simply find a small sliver of joy in that the two of us can touch and cry. Even knowing, this curse of silence will claim our tears yet within but a few moments, once our will to fight it surrenders to frozen tomb surrounding our hearts.
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9340814
You expect my stories to not make you feel things at this point?
9340816
It was the most suitable reaction I could think of. well done on another good story
Try moving away from the stream, then embrace your lover⁄
A veary dark but passionate story. This might be one of the most deeply passionate things I have seen you writie in only few hours. And that with all of us neophytes distracting you. Well done Fi well done.
9340835
Glad you enjoyed it.
If you can not feel love, how can you raise a child?? If you don't feeling anything for those that share your home, then you are alone in crowded house. I once locked away all my emotions, and looking back I regret that choice. The need to express one's self is more important than many can fathom. The episode this is linked to reminds me of something we all go through at some point in our life; conform to what society expects us to be, or to branch out, be ourselves, and follow our own desires in life. A nice short emotional piece.
[Achievement Unlocked: Screaming Silent] Express a main character's pain and suffering, without them ever uttering a word.
Jeez. Great exploration of this...horrifying and sad existence. Thumbs up. 👍
9340949
Yays ! I'm glad you enjoy it.
God, want to hug this poor Kirin. Dark, but vibrantly passionate.
9341364
Yays! That is what we were going for.
9340834
You realize they are in their home right? And if you didn't watch S8 E23 you wouldn't get this one.
This. Was. Intense. Thanks for the story and you are a great writer Fi!
9341618
NP glad you enjoyed it and glad we hit the notes I wante to get across.
9341699
Was there a stream for this I missed?
9341713
Saturday night. I typed all of this in one night.
Adorable
9342152
Job done :)
Let's get some stuff out of the way:
I think what you're looking for is a small sliver of joy.
This is a chilling view into what a kirin would've lived like for...how long was it, really? Autumn Blaze didn't seem to age much in between their pre-silence lives and the episode's time, but one fic implied that it's been a few years. Still, even a week without saying or expressing anything must be very agonizing.
You've captured how a kirin would do and feel in such a situation. Why can't she just speak or even just hug, for example? You describe the coolness overcoming her. You describe the struggle between the emotions right inside of her versus the stream's coolness.
Not only do we have a look into a kirin's struggle, we also get a look into how a kirin would see another kirin—a loved one, to be specific. It's great you chose a married couple for this one, because, in marriage, love is allowed to be expressed to the fullest...and yet, the tragic irony here is that this mainstay of marriage is no longer there. Sure, they love each other, but where's the expression? People want to know they feel loved, not just being told, "I love you"—and, if they're robbed of even that, then I don't know what to say...and you capture that horrible condition fairly well.
Not just with descriptions, but with picturesque descriptions. Your use of imagery, like:
...and you continue to point out the irony of it all, of being together in a town full of kirin yet being so alone.
The second-to-last paragraph also makes it a cool tie-in to the episode. However, it's not just that...you managed to make hearing a voice feel like thirsting for water after a desert's trip without it. The first immediate thought that she'd fought against the coldness only for that fight to seem worthless...and then, as she hears the voice, the coldness seems to take over in full force once more.
And then, you picture the coldness as not absolute. The last paragraph shows that much. That tears could flow, and the couple could share some emotion together before the coldness comes in.
Overall: It's great.
9341873
You truly are an awesome person and fantastic author Fi!
9342339
To see a comment like this tells me that I have done what I set out to do. Even if this doesn't get to where I had hoped yesterday; it certainly did exactly what I aimed for.
9342370
I'm a try hard, there is a difference.
9342506
*readies newspaper*
9343025
*HIDES!* No I didn't say it!
9343050
*puts away newspaper* That's good, because you put together words until emotion can be felt, and that is truly admirable.
9343853
So keep being a better word smith?
9343985
ja, be the silversmith (you want to see in the world)!
9344273
cute.
9344687
*in shcock*
9344864
Anyway, get to reading Dead Tree, come on! I know you wanna see where that one goes.
This is a very good story that brings some light over what horrors sound of silence implies.
I really like this story. It is tuely a favourite of mine.
9344942
Yays! :) Glad you liked it, if you wanna check out other stuff of mine, I recommend Bone Daddy.
9344904
Just got to chifundo's date and shirt dress
9345539
Oh my, well the next chapter is ALL between game actions.
9345604
hehe, sounds like a great read! Thanks again so much for not just the writing, but also all of the awesome community work you do!
This one is very hard to deal with! I've been married for 36 years to a woman that is so bonded to my soul that even doing simple things without her feels hollow. The sharing, the passion, in all things big and small is the water of our lives! The horror of what you so properly put into words here was so visual, visceral, and thought provoking! People say we are a mushy couple. We say "I love you" hundreds of times a day. We were a military couple, we did not know when one of us walked out the door if it was the last time we would get the chance to say those very precious words. Very well done!
Perfect!
There is not enough Kirin diva on this site. We need to fix that
9347931
You are most welcome I'm glad I could bring up those feelings in you.
Made me tear up Fi
9350085
Mission complete
Different type of hurt to my feels but still owe my feels
9425062
I did warn you; I can strike pretty hard on the emotional stuff.
I guess a very long fantasy/sci-fi stories or shorter ones that illustrate emotional pains that we cannot find ways to truly express are my specialties.
9425427
Sticking to your guns nice
9425462
Well yeah, so Chapter 27 FoE is in edits and the edits for the publication of the Volume 1 book are in progress too.
9436872
Well good luck
This story is where I was several years ago. When I was in college and living with my parents, I got fed up with how shitty I felt whenever my mom lectured me about wasting time online and ignoring how often I wasn't wasting time online but assuming I was just because I was on my laptop. One day I forced myself to stop feeling the pain, to stop feeling the hurt, and eventually it worked. No longer did I react in any way to her, which started to frustrate her because I wasn't reacting the way she was expecting me to. For years I felt nothing, and then one day I realized that by not letting myself feel negative emotions, I'd unwittingly forced myself to stop feeling positive emotions too. I no longer moved to music I enjoyed, nor could I feel attachment to other people, nor did I do more than smirk when I found something to be humorous. I couldn't feel love.
It's an experience that I don't wish upon anyone, but I'll forever be grateful for. It's a very personal experience that I loved to see depicted on MLP, and along with one of the best characters and one of the best songs, brought that episode to the top of my list of favorite episodes.
Had a nice cozy time reading this, which are the best stories imo.
Lovely job.
9687328
I hope I truly captured the sense of extra-existential dread that faced the Kirin.
9687193
I am glad to help bring you back from that moment and for you to know that depth of sadness allows you to know a moniker of joy that few can ever hope to achieve.