• Member Since 11th Dec, 2011
  • offline last seen 9 hours ago

Matthais Unidostres


I am Matthais Unidostres, I'm a Christian and I love FanFiction!

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After the events of their first Hearths Warming Eve together, and the revelation about Gallus' family, or lack there of, Silverstream comes to a shocking realization: Gallus has never had a birthday party! Silverstream decides to correct this as soon as possible, so she recruits the rest of the Young Six to put together a surprise birthday party for their griffon friend.

However, as all of his friends are busy planning this surprise, Gallus can't help but feel that his so called friends are avoiding him. Feeling alone and abandoned on this day, Gallus unknowingly finds himself in a vulnerable position ripe for manipulation.

Chapters (7)
Comments ( 69 )

Good work, I can't wait for more.

There is a grammatical error here.

As Ocellus set her basket down, and Smolder landed and put down her own basket, Silverstream hovered up in the air intently watched the retreating figures of Gallus and Twilight. As the pair got further and further away, Silverstream's smile grew and grew, and she got more and more giggly.

The watched should be watching.

The rest of the group all exchanged glances as the truth of Silverstream's words sank in. When they considered Gallus' lack of a family, combined with the overall selfishness and unpleasantness of Griffonstone, it became obvious that Gallus' birthday was probably never a very happy day for him. This was quite a sad thought for the group. Even Smolder and Ocellus, whose races hadn't had a history of being happy and friendly, had memories of happy birthdays.

I think it'll be much better if it were worded as "Even Smolder and Ocellus whose races has had a history of being unfriendly and unhappy, had memories of happy birthdays"

Just my opinion though this is gonna be a great story.

Yep... "what could possibly go wrong" cliche. Gonna be fun watching how it goes wrong.

There are quite a few error scattered about, which I'd be happy to help with, but this story is going well so far, I'd say! Can't wait to see more, finish up on that next chapter!

Piñatas in the shape of Chrysalis were going to be in high demand very soon.

I can just imagine Chrysalis's horrified expression the moment she catches wind of this. Kinda makes me want to explore the idea of her sneaking into the hive in time for a changeling's birthday and gets to witness first-hoof things like that. :rainbowlaugh:

what could possibly go wrong?

Only everything. But, you know, who's counting? :raritywink:

All right, I'll bite and see where this goes. :twilightsmile:

Smolder is indeed accurate. Honestly, considering Gallus’ abandonment issues, I could see this fic going in a very DARK direction.

Silverstream stood tall and proud as she said, "Uh-huh! This is gonna be great! I mean, with my perfect plan, what could possibly go wrong?"

Aannd now you jinxed it.

9327467
Well, it won't get darker than the original Party of One. . . but then again, is that really saying much?
[Maniacal Laugh!] :pinkiecrazy: :pinkiecrazy: :pinkiecrazy: :pinkiecrazy: :pinkiecrazy: :pinkiecrazy: :pinkiecrazy: :pinkiecrazy:

Oh, just hang in there, Gallus, I suspect it'll pay off in the end.

Everyone on this show are terrible liars (except some villains).

Nice chapter.

Another great chapter. Keep up the good work.

Now wearing a full smile, Gallus made up his mind to splash some water of his face, give his feathers a quick preening, and head over to the cafeteria to join his friends for some breakfast.

Need to change the of his face to on his face

Yona gulped down her glass of orange juice, let out a quick burp, and said, "Yona trust Silverstream! She make really nice decorations for party!"

Belch might be a better word instead of burp, but that's just my opinion.

Not sure how to take this, Gallus simply echoed, "You didn't notice me?"

This should probably be changed to that

Gallus grunted as he stared down at his food. "So, I guess Sandbar's the unlucky one who gets stuck having to associate with the griffon?" he thought to himself miserably.

Ouch.

The chase in on. Cue the chase music.

N’aww. Poor Gallus. Now I just want to hug him.

Comment posted by GpMaR deleted Dec 12th, 2018

Sandbar was leading the way as the walked down one of hallways of the School of Friendship. However, the pony came to a sudden stopped and "hmmmed" loudly as he looked left and right.

Just need to change the, "the walked" to "they walked".

But besides that it's really really good

Uh oh.

I certainly don't trust this Rey guy.

This Rey guy must be a Cozy worshipper or something, why else would he want to befriend Gallus?

9360730
Definitely seems suspicious, but we’ll see.

This Rey guy feels as sly as a fox...

...like his cutie mark.

Which, when you think about it, certainly doesn't bode well.

Dan

Blowing balloons didn't give G1 Spike any problems.

belching contests for the boys

I don't know why you specified this: I'm pretty sure it was a female dragon that proposed making belching an acceptable greeting. It doesn't seem like it'd be a gendered activity to them...

Dan

Now I'm kind of hoping someone draws art of Silverstream blowing huge piles of balloons.

This is pretty good so far, even if the characters behaviors are a little frustrating, and the story feels vaguely S1E25-derivative. I'm happy to see the spelling and grammar is good on this one too. Waiting for the last two chapters...

Great, a new cozy glow on the way.

Ooh. Political-favor "friends." The worst kind. :rainbowlaugh:

Every time I see a villain I want them to see them monologue later.

"Hell come on, we'll all yell surprise, he'll blow out his birthday candles, he'll open up his presents-."

He’ll*

I do like this villain. He seems cunning, though egotistical. However, I would have preferred not being told his plan, but rather have hints, to have it be fully revealed later. But, this is still nice.

The ending felt just a liiiitle rushed, but all around, this was a really fun and sweet story that felt a lot like the show. :pinkiesmile:

Dan

The power of fluffyboys shines within them all.

Yeah, the ending felt a bit rushed. The question that’s on my mind is, will Rey remain his friend? Because in previous chapters it was reavealed he is evil. Other than that, good story.

"He was abducted by aliens when he was younger, and given superpowers to fight in their army,"

I bet he and Captain Marvel get along nice.

However, in his peripheral vision, Rey spotted none other than Pinkie Pie standing down the hall, eyeing him severely. The pink mare gestured towards the room, then slowly lifted a cupcake in her left forehoof and slowly took a bite out of it, all while staring directly into Rey's very soul.

She knows.

Gallus grunted as he stared down at his food. "So, I guess Sandbar's the unlucky one who gets stuck having to associate with the griffon?" he thought to himself miserably.

Gallus had just lost his appetite.

Yikers. Also, nice little returning theme.

9408830
OMG EXACTLY WHAT I THOUGHT!! :rainbowlaugh:

Yona shook her head, making the bags on her horns shudder again, and she said, "How is lion a kitty cat? Lion is big and strong. Cat is small and cute."

Yeah, well, have you looked at Gallus?
derpicdn.net/img/view/2019/1/13/1934594.png

"HAVE YOU BEEN TAKING CRAZY PILLS!?" Smolder shouted as she threw her arms up into the air.

:rainbowlaugh:

Piñatas in the shape of Chrysalis were going to be in high demand very soon.

:rainbowlaugh: Sign me up for a whack.

Silverstream stood tall and proud as she said, "Uh-huh! This is gonna be great! I mean, with my perfect plan, what could possibly go wrong?"

:ajbemused: Too easy.

All the humor in this chapter was on point. That ending was especially fantastic.

I see Smolder has been spending time with Rarity. :ajsmug:

What the heck?! Did ANYONE go to that school to actually learn about friendship?

Oh, thank you, Pinkie Pie. :twilightsmile:

WOOOOOOO! And once again, friendship wins!

9407917
Well, since Pinkie Pie, and thus the other teachers, know about him, they'll be sure to pay him a little extra attention to keep him from becoming Cozy Glow 2.0. Also, he's not as much as a sociopath as Cozy Glow, so there's home for him.

It's good, but a few grammatical errors and misleadings

Gallus' grumpy expression softened, and he said, "Eh, make sense, I guess. So, you know how it took me a while to get back from the bathroom."

Need to add a s at the end of make

"Hey, Gallus! I was just bringing in some stuff for tomorrows class when heard you walking along outside! So, how's the School of Friendship's most favorite griffon?" Pinkie Pie said cheerfully.

Need to add an I after when

As Gallus walked away, Pinkie was stood lost in thought for a moment. Then, she hopped over to the griffon's side and asked with a suspicious look on her face, "Saaaaaaay. . .did you friends. . . I don't know. . . maybe. . . make up some excuses that sounded okay at first but then after thinking about them you realized that they were suspicious and really excuses and then split up and did everything they could to avoid you while some of them started sneaking around with boxes or bags or boxes and bags and even tried to run and hide from you when you tried to get the truth out of them."

Need to nix was and add there after stood or change stood to standing and add there

Rey shook his head and said, "Aw, don't yet it bug you. You probably just caught her off guard, and she tried doing something to make you laugh. She didn't have any funny material at the time. But don't get mad at her though. Nopony's perfect, after all. So she's got a one track mind when it comes to her Element? The other professors balance her out well enough."

You put yet instead of let


But it is still a good story

A good conclusion to a good story, but a few misspellings and grammatical errors.

Sandbar nodded and smiled as he said, "Pretty cool! Pretty cool, Ocellus. But just wait until he see this !" Sandbar walked over the table, set down the present he was holding, and quickly untied the ribbon so he could lift off the lid. "Take a look at that!" he said eagerly as he motioned to the open box.

Need to add to between the and table

Sandbar turned to see the pony that he been standing on the opposite side of Gallus, but had gone unnoticed by Sandbar due to his focus on the griffon.

Need to make he had

Gallus then narrowed his eyes at Smolder, and opened his beak to tell him exactly what he thought of Sandbar's request, when all of a sudden Rey wrapped a hoof around his foreleg and began to pull him back.

I'm confused here

But I think you might have accidentally mixed up the names so maybe reword it like

Gallus then narrowed his eyes at Sandbar, and opened his beak to tell him exactly what he thought of his request, when all of a sudden Rey wrapped a hoof around his foreleg and began to pull him back.

As Silverstream flew out of the room, Smolder followed at a slightly slower pace and said, "Eh, why worry? From what I've seen, stuff seems to just always work out in Equestria. Just sayin'."

Ya know, I woulda pegged Sandbar or Silver to be the meta, genre savvy one of the group. Color me impressed Smolder.

Of all the student 6, cat-bird deserved this the most. Gotta love Gallus man. Fuffy Boi indeed.

I enjoyed the humble simplicity and presentation of this story... up until this chapter. These little devils suddenly appearing with their oh-so-evil schemes has driven me away — I no longer care about this story. Partially because Gallus falls into this particular scheme far too easily, as though you couldn't think of any more creative and believable explanation for his fall. It just erases the fun. Oh, and, uh... I could instantly see Faux's plan coming because of the mention of manipulation in your synopsis. :/

EDIT: I felt bad saying it, but talking to a friend about it has strengthened my resolve. I think the way these villains speak is really obnoxious. It comes across as arrogant on your part, the "Oho, we are very intelligent because we're criticizing another villain!" Sorry to put it so harshly — I really do mean well.

Now, I do want to give props for trying to add something unique to this plot that we've already seen in MLP. Totally guessing, but I feel like that was an intentional decision, and I appreciate that. I just don't think this was a fun way to do it. Feels like way too much. Not like I'm a great writer, buuut that doesn't mean I can't have an opinion, right?

Hope you take all that well, Matthais, I appreciate ya. Best of luck—

This fic was heart warming and funny but I think I could have been a bit better with the villain, felt like an unneeded element to the story. If you were looking for something for Gallus to do while he was alone, why not just have pinkie hang with him for a boy knowing how he feels but also knowing how much it’s gunna pay off.

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