Chapter 5: Death and Back Again.
Well, it's certainly been a while, hasn't it?
Dear me, I didn't think this would be as popular as it turned out, Lord knows it's hardly a fresh idea, I've seen a few Rincewind in Equestria fics done, though admittedly most of them involve the older Rincewind in human form.
Well, here's the last bit of Rincewind's misadventure with the Mane 6 and Nightmare Moon, let's see how the Wizzzard gets out of this one.
Chapter 4: Death and Back Again.
Most people, on waking up, accelerate through a quick panicky pre-consciousness check-up: who am I, where am I, who is he/she, good god, why I am cuddling a policeman's helmet, WHAT HAPPENED LAST NIGHT?
Rincewind woke screaming, a common occurrence for one who’s last memories is of their life flashing before their eyes(1), only to calm down as he found himself gazing into familiar murky darkness.
“Ah, here again…” he muttered, grimacing out of habit as he rubbed at his neck, blinking as he noticed he appeared to still be in pony form “Huh…I guess the state of one’s body DOES reflect on the state of their soul…”
INDEED. a familiar voice agreed from behind, Rincewind turning to face the speaker with decidedly more calm than one would expect from someone of his disposition, looking into the glowing blue eye sockets of the Death with an almost weary sigh.
It was a well-known fact, at least on the Disc, that Wizards, and cats, can see Death as easily as other people could see each other(2). What many people didn’t know, however, was that when a Wizard died, Death himself would come to collect them, rather than leaving the task to whatever little subordinates he might have on hand at the time.
Rincewind wasn't ashamed to admit that he’d met the acquaintance of the Grim Reaper a fair few times even BEFORE he’d met up with Twoflower, as Death was often walking around Ankh Morpork, usually picking up a Curry(3) after a busy night’s reaping, and had a healthy amount of respect for him. That being said, it didn’t mean he actually stuck around to chat, for Death always knew for whom the final bell tolled, and in Ankh Morpork in particular, the odds of it being for you was a thousand to one(4).
“Come to gloat, have you?” he demanded, eyeing the personification with a hint of defiance, only to blink as Death shrugged, the skeleton grinning at him in exasperation.
NOT AS SUCH. Death admitted, shaking his head with a sigh before gesturing towards a figure off to the side. I’M AFRAID WE'VE RUN INTO A BIT OF A…SNAG.
Rincewind blinked, following the Reaper’s gesture to find himself looking into the glowing blue eye sockets of a skeletal pony in a VERY familiar set of robes “You’ve got to be kidding me…”
DO I LOOK LIKE I’M JOKING, RINCEWIND THE WIZARD? The Death of Equestria asked, grinning at him seriously as, well, Death, the blue light in those equine eye sockets flashing red for a split second. MY COUNTERPART SEEMS TO HAVE FORGOTTEN THE RULES REGARDING OVERSTEPPING ONE'S AUTHORITY, I AM MERELY REMINDING HIM ON WHOSE TERRITORY HE TRESPASSES.
I HAVE NOT FORGOTTEN, MY OTHER. The Death of the Disc countered, grinning calmly, yet firmly, at his Equestrian counterpart. I AM MERELY, AS THE MORTALS SAY, IN HOT PURSUIT. He inclined one skeletal hand towards Rincewind, who flinched backwards instinctively despite the fact there was little need to fear the touch of Death at this point. THIS ONE IS ORIGINALLY FROM MY WORLD, THAT MAKES HIM ‘MY’ RESPONSIBILITY.
MAYBE SO, BUT HE DIED ON ‘MY’ TERRITORY. The Grim Pony countered, voice so eerily identical to the Discworld Death’s(5) that Rincewind had trouble telling who was speaking THAT MAKES HIM ‘MY’ RESPONSIBILITY.
“Um…excuse me…?” Rincewind stammered, trying to get a word in edge-ways, but the two arguing Deaths seemed too involved in their debate to care about the object of it “Well, how rude…”
“They’ll be like that for a while lad.” An elderly voice noted, Rincewind turning to see a wizened looking old man in a butler’s attire standing nearby with a picnic basket on a black and white blanket “Pull up a spot and rest yer legs, might as well have a sandwich while yer waitin.” He eyed the horse with a beady eye “Ye CAN eat sandwiches, right?”
“Er…Yes, I think so…” Rincewind muttered, trotting over to the basket, more than a little confused at this turn of events, accepting the cheese sandwich the old man held out to him and biting down “Err…who are you?”
“Me? I’m Albert.” The old man mumbled around a mouthful of Blt(6), Rincewind wincing, torn between longing and revulsion at the smell of the deliciously greasy slices of dead pig as the old man swallowed “Death’s Butler, the one with TWO legs mind you, he’s told me a lot about you lad.”
“Has he?” Rincewind wondered, still trying to come to grips that Death, his semi-constant companion, had a butler of all things “Er…demanding master is he?”
“Not so much, no.” Albert admitted, taking a swig of something medicinal(7) and holding out the bottle to Rincewind, who took an eager swig, as it wasn’t like he needed brain cells at the moment “Just need to dust around, only have to cook dinner for myself and the young miss, muck out Binky’s stable…”
“I’m sorry? Young Miss? Binky?” Rincewind repeated, returning the bottle to its owner, even as something whickered softly behind him, the Wizard turning round to see Death’s horse, a regal creature that probably could’ve had his pick of mares in Ponyville if he ever decided to stop by, lying behind him.
“That’s Binky…” Albert muttered, nodding towards the stallion as he pulled out another sinfully juicy helping of deep fried pork with the occasional fruit and veg bobbing about in a sea of brown sauce framed by two slices of white bread(8) “An the little’ miss is The Master’s Daughter…Adopted.” he amended at Rincewind’s look of shock “Picked her up from the ruins of a caravan, parents killed by bandits poor thing…”
“I…see…” Rincewind murmured, more than a little shaken by this onslaught of new information, as he’d certainly never pictured Death as a Family Man(9), Binky huffing softly as he took in the Wizard’s scent, having apparently taken a liking to him “Er…she planning to join the family business?”
“She’d like to.” Albert admitted, spitting tomato seeds off into the endless darkness “Master won’t hear of it o’course, one of the few things I’ve ever seen him refuse her, spoils her rotten otherwise. Typical really.”
Rincewind didn’t care to comment. For one thing, he didn’t want to get on his Death’s bad side(10) by commenting on his parenting skills, and on the other, it wasn’t like he could really judge the Reaper, for as a Wizard, even a failed one, he wasn’t allowed to sire children anyway.
I CONCEDE THAT, AS HE HAS DIED HERE, YOU HAVE THE RIGHTS TO HIS SOUL. The Death of the Disc conceded patiently, though there was a hint of annoyance in the skeletal grin. STILL, THERE IS THE FACT HE IS A WIZARD TO CONSIDER. I AM DUTY BOUND TO COLLECT THE SOUL OF A WIZARD WHEN THEY DIE, IT’S A PRIVLEGE.
IT IS THE SAME WITH ME, MY OTHER. The Equestrian Death insisted calmly. ALL THE MORE REASON FOR ME TO BE THE ONE TO ESCORT HIM.
“Um, I’m quite happy to put it off to a later date if it’ll save you the trouble…” Rincewind called out hesitantly, trying to ignore Binky as the mount of Death lipped his ear affectionately “It really wouldn’t be any bother…”
“I’d save my words lad…” Albert countered, patting the ponified Wizard on the shoulder, taking a swig of his flask as he did so “They’ve been like this since you got here, they’ll probably still be at it for a while yet.” He grinned darkly “That’s the thing about Death, he can outlast anything.”
“Even himself?” Rincewind demanded wryly, earning a bark of laughter from the old man, the Wizard lying back on the blanket with a sigh, allowing Binky rub his head against his back affectionately “Err…he does know I’m male, right?”
“Wouldn’t know,” Albert countered, eyeing the stallion with a neutral, if intrigued expression in his beady little eyes “Never seen him act like that around anyone but the Master and the little’ miss…you ain’t met before have you?”
“Death’s usually on foot when we meet up.” Rincewind muttered, flicking his tail at Binky half-heartedly, only to blink as he felt a strange tugging sensation from his navel “Urgh…” he muttered, rubbing his stomach tenderly “Don’t think that sandwich agreed with me…what cheese did yoooooooOOOOOOO-!”
Albert blinked, looking on in wonderment as the equine Wizard that his Master and the other Death had been arguing over began to stretch out like a piece of taffy, stretching so thin you could’ve used him to wrap you dinner up(11) before snapping together so quickly that his hind hooves disappeared under the rim of his hat, which promptly disappeared with a crack. He stared at the spot the Wizzzard had occupied for a moment, before glancing at Binky, who whickered knowingly at him, before taking another draught from his flask, emptying the thing in one go “That’s good stuff…”
WHERE DID HE GO? The Death of Equestria demanded, Albert turning to find the anthropomorphic ponification glaring at the spot Rincewind had vacated, eye sockets blazing red.
OH BUGGER, HE’S RUN OFF AGAIN. The Death of the Disc noted, his tone exasperated, though Arthur swore he could see the hint of smugness in that ever-present grin, the twinkling of his supernova eyes betraying some hidden amusement. HE HAS A PENCHANT FOR DOING THAT, I SUPPOSE I SHOULD HAVE WARNED YOU.
YES, YOU SHOULD HAVE. The Death of Equestria muttered, though there was no malice in its tone, merely professional irritation(11), the Grim Pony turning on its hooves and walking back into the darkness WE SHALL CONTINUE THIS DISCUSSION ANOTHER TIME…DO GIVE MY REGARDS TO YOUR DAUGHTER.
AND MINE TO YOURS. Death of the Disc offered, earning a look of astonishment from Arthur, who gaped after the Grim Pony in shock even as his Master mounted Binky and turned towards the darkness. COME, ARTHUR.
“Blinkin’ lunatics the lot of them…” Death’s butler muttered under his breath, stuffing the remnants of the picnic into the hamper and clambering onto Binky with a little help from his Master, the two of them riding off towards their home in Death’s Domain “Might as well start up a day care centre while they’re at it.”
THAT MIGHT ACTUALLY BE A GOOD IDEA. Death murmured, tapping his chin with one bony finger even as Albert swore under his breath for not keeping his thoughts to himself. YSABELLE COULD USE SOME NEW FRIENDS…
“-ooh shit…!” Rincewind groaned, opening his eyes with a jolt, gazing up at the ceiling above incredulously for a moment only to curse as a beam of sunlight pierced his brain for his trouble. "Bugger…!" he hissed, grimacing as he tried to sit up "I knew those blasted fillies were worried about nothing…eternal night my beard!"
“Hey! He’s waking up!” a familiar voice called out, the Wizard blinking, opening his eyes only to come face to face with to come face to snout with Spike the Dragon, (12) the rest of the Mane Six crowding around him as he yelped in alarm “How you feelin’ big guy?”
“Like an Elephant trampled me…” the Wizard muttered bitterly, grimacing as he tried to sit up, grabbing his head to stop it exploding “Where the hell is this?”
“We’re at the Carousel Boutique.” Twilight Sparkle revealed, the Purple Unicorn’s tone soothing as she helped him sit up, propping a pillow behind him for support “Rarity insisted we bring you here after what happened.”
“I hope she sells knives then, because I’d like to cut my head of.” Rincewind muttered darkly, only to pause, as the looks of alarm on the faces of the gathered filly’s proved just as sobering as a pot of Klatchian coffee “That was a joke,” he assured them, nodding at Fluttershy in particular, as she’d looked like she’d been about to scream “Mainly a joke, anyway.” He amended, only to grimace as his head pounded again “Dear Gods what did I do last night?”
He trailed off, eyes widening as he recalled the trip through the Everfree Forest and the rather short battle with Nightmare Moon “Magic…” he mumbled excitedly, his headache fading away, replaced with the memory of the power he’d wielded “I did magic…!”
“That’s right.” Rarity offered, patting the Wizard’s arm soothingly as Applejack helped him sit up, keeping a firm hoof on him to keep him from trying to get out of bed.
“Would you like me to do a spell?” Rincewind asked deliriously, smiling in that mildly concussed way that only victims of a mugging or surprise fatherhood can sport as he pointed a hoof at Fluttershy, Rainbow Dash tackling her fellow Pegasus out of the way, eyeing the Wizard warily as he continued to titter “I’ll turn you into a Tree! Just you all watch out!”
“The poor feller’s in shock…” Applejack noted sombrely, keeping a firm grip on the colt to keep him from hurting himself, or anyone else by wandering around, even as Fluttershy perked up for some reason “Must’ve been some shock.”
“I don’t understand…” Twilight wondered, blinking at the Wizard in confusion as Applejack and Rarity tried to get him to calm down again “Why’s he acting so strange?”
“I ain’t too sure, but I reckon its cause up till now, he’s never done a spell before.” Applejack admitted “Certainly never anything as big as that.”
“But he’s a wizard!” Twilight insisted, looking stumped at the very admission “And besides that, he’s a Unicorn! How can he have never used magic before?”
“I’m afraid it’s all rather complicated, Twilight.” Rarity assured her fellow Unicorn, even as she used her own horn to tuck Rincewind back into bed “Then again, he DID say earlier that he only knew one Spell…it could be that one spell is so powerful it takes all his magic to use it.”
“That…certainly makes sense.” Twilight admitted, rubbing her chin with her hoof as she gazed down at the Wizard, who was slowly calming down under Fluttershy’s attention, the gentle Pegasus whispering soothing words as she made him drink something “But I’ve never even HEARD of a Spell like that…he certainly wasn’t speaking in any language I’ve ever heard of.”
“Maybe Princess Celestia would know?” Spike wondered aloud, prompting a look from his partner and the others “I mean, when it comes to Magic, she’d know better than anyone, right?”
“You’re right Spike.” Twilight agreed, nodding her head at the Dragon’s wisdom “And she DID say she’d like to thank him for his help in defeating Nightmare Moon. I’ll let her know he’s awake...”
“Oh…oh dear…” Fluttershy stammered, Twilight turning to see the shy Pegasus looking a little sheepish, an empty mug held between her hooves, as she hovered over a snoring Rincewind, the Wizard’s ratty beard now accompanied by a milk mustache “Should I not have given him warm milk then?”
When Rincewind awoke the second time, it was to find himself staring up at the familiar ceiling of his room in the Ponyville Library, feeling much better than he was the last time, though that might be because he hadn’t dreamt about being strangled to Death, Picnics and Blt Sandwiches.
‘Magic!’ he breathed, feeling much calmer about the act than he had at the Carousel Boutique by simple fact that his brain wasn’t currently trying to smash its way out of his skull “So that’s what it feels like! No wonder wizards didn’t have much truck with sex!”
Rincewind knew what orgasms were of course, he’d had a few in his time back in Ankh Morpork, sometimes even in company, but nothing in his experience even approximated to that tight, hot moment when every nerve in his body streamed with blue-white fire and raw magic had blazed forth from his fingers. It filled you and lifted you and you surfed down the rising, curling wave of elemental force. No wonder wizards fought for power and so on.
‘Not that it was really ME doing it…’ he muttered, a bitter scowl adorning his features as he glared internally at the spot at the back of his mind, where The Spell lounged like a toad, watching his life pass by with only passing interest. He was really beginning to hate the Spell, something he suspected he’d always done since being thrown out of the University, but it was all coming to a head now that it had used his body to say itself without so much as a by-your-leave. Really, was it too much to ask that it allow HIM to decide when and where to call upon its eldritch power? He WAS the one carrying it all over the bloody place after all. It was HIS body that was at risk every time it decided to do anything other than scare off any other spell that he tried to learn.
‘If it weren’t for you, I might have become a half-way decent Wizard…’ he muttered darkly, glaring at the source, and solution, to so many of his problems of late ‘Maybe not a member of the staff, but even an assistant Librarian would’ve been nice…’
“Oh! You’re awake!” a voice noted, Rincewind blinking as he entered the library proper, to be greeted by none other than Twilight Sparkle and Spike, who were busy organising the books “Good morning.”
“Morning…” Rincewind greeted, blinking at the pair in surprise, keeping one wary eye on Spike as the infant dragon carried several tomes towards their designated shelf “Um…I don’t mean to be rude…but what exactly are you doing here?”
“We brought you home after we were sure you were just sleeping.” Spike responded, balancing expertly on the stepladder as he put his load of books away “You missed the Princesses’ parade by the way.”
“The what now?” Rincewind wondered, blinking at the dragon in confusion, slightly more at ease with the fire-breathing pest after their little misadventure in the Everfree forest.
“Oh it was amazing!” Twilight exclaimed, practically giddy with excitement, Rincewind and Spike ducking as several heavy tomes went orbital due to her magic “Princess Celestia declared today a national Holiday to celebrate Princess Luna’s return!”
“Princess Luna’s Princess Celestia’s little sister.” Spike informed Rincewind, who had turned to the dragon as the only other person in the room who still made a modicum of sense “After you passed out, Twilight and the others used the Elements of Harmony on Nightmare Moon to change her back to Princess Luna.”
“So wait, you’re telling me this whole thing was just a spat between sisters?” Rincewind demanded, the wizard eyeing the Dragon with a hint of exasperation, muttering darkly to himself as the reptile shrugged “Bugger all, I KNEW there was nothing to worry about.”
“I wouldn’t say ‘nothing’.” Twilight countered, trotting up to the Wizard with a meaningful expression on her face “If you and Spike hadn’t turned up when you did, there’s no telling what Nightmare Moon would’ve done to me.”
“We didn’t do that much…” Rincewind muttered, looking embarrassed despite himself, sending a glare a Spike, who was puffing himself up importantly “YOU didn’t do anything at all for that matter, unless you count pissing off that Manticore when you set his tail on fire.”
“I could’ve taken ‘im…” Spike muttered, the Dragon averting his eyes from Twilight’s quirked brow as he began shoving the books back into place with decidedly more force than was necessary.
“Don’t mind Spike.” Twilight assured the wizard, a knowing smile on her face “And don’t sell yourself short. There aren’t a lot of people that’d brave the Everfree forest to help people they don’t know…” she shuffled her hoof awkwardly “Especially given how we first met…”
“Erm…think nothing of it…” Rincewind muttered, the wizard shuffling awkwardly, cursing his equine form’s hormones once more as they reacted to how adorable the purple filly looked “Happy to help…really…” he shook himself at her smile “Still, it doesn’t explain what you’re still doing in the Library…weren’t you supposed to go back to Canterlot once the Celebration was over?”
“Well, that WAS the plan, yes.” Twilight admitted, looking troubled, a stark contrast to the exasperated mare he’d first seen at Pinkie’s Party “To tell the truth, one of the reasons Princess Celestia sent me here was so I could make some friends.” She blushed at the Wizard’s quirked brow “I know, right? Though to be fair I wasn’t doing myself any favours back in Canterlot.”
“She may be the Princess’ prized student, but if socialising were a class she’d be flunking it.” Spike quirked from the side, chuckling in the face of the embarrassed glare Twilight sent his way.
“I wasn’t that bad…” Twilight muttered, fighting down a blush as she averted her eyes from the deadpan look her friend sent her way “Okay maybe I was, but hay, do you know how hard it is to balance magical studies with a social life?”
“All too well.” Rincewind muttered, recalling his boyhood years at the university with only mild discomfort, memories of having his head shoved into the privies and getting stuck clambering over the secret exit and left to the tender mercy of the Bledlows(13) flashing before his eyes.
“Well anyway, when I first came here, all I wanted to do was finish the preparations for the festival so I could focus on researching the elements of Harmony.” Twilight continued, looking ashamed at the admission “In the end, it was only because I met Pinkie Pie, Applejack, Rainbow Dash, Rarity and Fluttershy that we were able to find them in the first place. If I’d gone straight to the library like I’d intended, not only would I not have found the elements, but I doubt I’d have made it through the Everfree Forest alive.”
“Yes, someone should really do something about that place.” Rincewind muttered, shivering at the memory of those eldritch woods even as he glanced at Spike “Preferably something involving a lot of fire…”
“Aheh…right…” Twilight chuckled, eyeing the Wizard warily, a sentiment that was shared by Spike, who shuffled awkwardly under the Colt’s beady stare “In any case, like you said, I WAS supposed to go back after the Celebration was over, but thankfully Princess Celestia agreed to let me stay provided I send her a report every time I learn something new about friendship.”
“Isn’t that kind of invasive?” Rincewind wondered, trying to imagine Lord Vetinari, the Patrician of Ankh Morpork, issuing such a command(14) “I mean, what about your education?”
“Oh I pretty much already graduated from the University a while ago.” Twilight admitted, blushing modestly as she waved her hoof “Besides, how could I possibly leave all my friends behind after I only just got to know them?”
“You’d put making friends over learning magic?” Rincewind wondered, eyeing the mare before him with an incredulous expression, honestly confused as to how he should feel about such a thing.
“Not at all!” Twilight countered, the purple mare beaming at the Wizard encouragingly “After all, Friendship is a type of Magic in and of itself.”
“It certainly as unpredictable…” Spike opined, chuckling at the dumbfounded expression on Rincewind’s face as the Wizard gaped at Twilight in disbelief “In any case, since we were supposed to be bunking here for the Celebration anyway, the Princess had all our stuff moved in while you were asleep.”
“You don’t mind, do you?” Twilight asked, looking suddenly troubled as Rincewind seemed to snap out of his daze to blink at her in surprise “I mean, I know we didn’t get off to the best start and all, but Spike and I can be a real big help around the library and I’d REALLY like to know more about that spell you used and…”
“Okay, okay!” Rincewind cut in, raising a hoof to silence the mare, rubbing his brow with a sigh “I don’t have a problem with you staying, Gods only know the trouble I’d get into if I threw you out anyways.” He eyed the mare warily “But are you SURE you’re alright moving in? I mean…you’re a young girl…pony…filly.” He muttered at length “And I’m, well…”
“A perfect gentlecolt.” Rarity cut in, the trio looking up as the tailor entered the library, followed closely by the other Elements of Harmony, Rainbow Dash hovering in the air as was her preference “Don’t be so hard on yourself Rincewind Darling, there isn’t a pony in Ponyville who’d believe you’d lay a hoof on Twilight.”
“Like Rincey’d know what to do with a mare anyways.” Rainbow chuckled, earning a glare from Rincewind that she returned with a grin, poor Fluttershy letting out an embarrassed ‘meep’, trying to hide behind her mane even as Applejack shot the Pegasus a warning look.
“Besides!” Pinkie exclaimed, Twilight and Rincewind jumping as she popped up between the two unicorns, Twilight’s eyes widening at the pink cannon the Party Pony had apparently pulled out of nowhere “Now we can throw Twilight a PROPER welcome party!”
“Pinkie don’t you dare-!” Rincewind barked, only to be cut off as the cannon fired, showering the inside of the Library with balloons and confetti, the residents of Ponyville pausing only briefly as a loud cry of “BUGGER!” tore through the air, before going about their daily lives as usual.
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Great chapter as for a filly taking interest in Rincewind i vote for Twilight. Looking forward to seeing what adventure Rincewind will have with the gang. Will anypony every find out about Rincewind being from another world?
What other crossover stories about Rincewind have you read this is the only one i know about right now?
You're talking about Ysabelle?
Evidently you haven't read Soul Music...
That's the one with Death on a motorbike, right? Music with Rocks in it? Can't remember much else, but wasn't Susan, Death's Granddaughter, supposed to be in it?
Keep in mind this is set chronologically before Soul Music anyways.
Ok, I just found this and it is wonderful! Anyways hope to see it continued. And my vote for the filly goes to Pinkie, because Rincewind needs more reasons to be paranoid.
Grand chapter, can't wait for more
1237560
I have actually, but this is set slightly before.
It's all wibbly Wobbly Timey Wimey.
Update?
Good story hope you continue this.
R.I.P.
And seven odd years later, still quite an enjoyable premise to have stumbled across and read.