• Member Since 28th Jun, 2012
  • offline last seen Aug 18th, 2017

chazzergamer


E
Source

While the Changling attack at the Canterlot Wedding ended up with Twilight and her friends being victorious, everypony has no clue what Luna was doing during the chaotic time.
As she is forced into battle with a similar enemy and forced to face the evil inside herself.
The pic is not mine I except no credit the picture. It was made by anbolanos91 and 90sigma on deviantart
This is my first fic so I hope you enjoy, please give feedback but don't scold me too much on only grammar mistakes.

Chapters (2)
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Comments ( 12 )

okay this will either be really good like she is getting a second wind or nightmare moon is taking over her body again which is really bad

It was good, but the grammar mistakes make parts of the story unintelligible. Do not use the passive voice, look to eliminate unnecessary words, use commas before dialogue, capitalize the first word in the quotation marks, and consider splitting some of your longer sentences into multiple sentences. For instance, "Luna could not take her eyes off no matter how sick it made her, the smell on its own was bad enough to put ten rotting corpses to shame but then she had figured it out, rotting. When Luna began to inspect the hearts she noticed only one was beating, the other was shrivelled and dead[,]" should be at least two sentences. But, you'll continue to get better, and I applaud you for actually finishing a story (that is a feat I have yet to accomplish). Seriously good work, and just shoot me an email/PM if you wanna hit me up for some help or tell me to go the heck away, or whatever.

Best Wishes,
Golden

he tilted his head down and let the princess of the night scrape of his horn before falling all the way back down to the ledge.

It should be....
"He tilted his head down and let the princess of the night scrape off his horn before falling all the way back down to the ledge."


waiting for the next chapter.:scootangel:

1237899
Thank so you much for this feedback and I am so glad you enjoy it. :pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy:
I do struggle with grammar and I hope this will improve from learning and by continuing to write.
But i have to disagree with you on one point.
"and I applaud you for actually finishing a story" I not finished just yet and i hope that the ending will be satisfactory and enjoyable.
I do have to ask you something about how I did on explaining the environment and the surroundings because I had one last quick look through the chaptor 5 mins before it was uploaded and was near close to banging my head against the table for thinking I did a crap job.

"He forced down upon Luna’s throat with all his strength, bursting it wide open."
(grabs throat in a fear reflex)
GAH
:pinkiegasp:

This hasn't been updated in nearly a year. How is it in the Featured box?

3087964
Which bit don't you get.
I will go back and re-write it to try and improve the quality.

3092906
I think it happened when I accidentally pressed "publish chapter" instead of save but I immediately pressed it again half a millisecond after.

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