• Member Since 25th Jun, 2012
  • offline last seen Apr 12th, 2015

Unknown-Brony


Ponies.

T
Source

The adventures of a boy who ends up in Equestria after a tragic loss.
In his pegasus form he finds himself in a critical moment of that world. Will he be able to defeat his past and save Equestria from certain destruction?

This is my very first fic, which I found on my pc. Please don't be too harsh, as I'm working on constant improvement. I'm willing to learn though.

Chapters (4)
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Comments ( 5 )

I'll give it a shot! :twilightsmile:

Whew... wow. Alrighty then! Um, geez where to start...
Well first off, you need paragraphs. LOTS of them. Indent every now and then to give your writing more flow. There weren't too many spelling mistakes, but ALOT of verb tense issues; you would switch from past tense to present tense way too much, sometimes even in the same sentence! :twilightoops:

Also, things were moving VERY fast, there was barely anything in between major scenes, plus it was unrealistic. Now, I know this story is about candy colored ponies in a magical world, so I'll give you some lee-way. But a wound in which your foot is literally dragging behind you would render anyone immobile, much less able to scale a wall unaided. Plus a wound of that degree would require way more hospital time than a day.

In short, there are some really major mess-ups that you need to fix before I start nit-picking specific misspelled words and the like.

Hopefully that wasn't too harsh, please tell me if it was! It sounds like an interesting story so far, but the atrocious errors are smudging it's potential.

Again, you need paragraphs. Plus it seems like the whole story is comprised of multiple, staccato sentences. Its almost. As if. A robot. Is writing. The story. Also, there were multiple contradictions in this chapter, nopony was allowed in the forest... yet Fluttershy was there...? Not to mention that the nurse dumped a murderer on Fluttershy, who didn't even bat an eye at the decision. Fluttershy was very bi-polar too, after her outburst at Rufus she went back to her usual caring self.

Okay, WAY too many paragraphs man!! XD Only use them when a new character speaks and when a new major event happens... not after every sentence! On a side note, everything is moving SO FREAKING FAST!!

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