Monochrome Promise

by Unknown-Brony

The Beginning of a New Legend

"Urmm... where, where am I?"
As I tried to get up, I realized that I couldn't. I tried to look around me. It looked like I fell in a pit, but it's walls were made of spiky rocks.
Why couldn't I get up? I looked at the place the pain was coming from.
My foot was unable to move so I realized that it was something rather serious.
And so it was. I had a very deep wound. The torn skin was barely holding to the foot. The blood was flowing on my foot, and it was dripping in the mud.
I came to, noticing that the blood flow has slowed. Horrified, I realized I was laying in a pool of my own blood.
At that moment, the fear took over my body. What if I was going to die there? What if I was going to die in a horrible way? What if...
But I had no time for what if's. I closed my eyes and I cleared my mind. When I opened them, I concentrated on using the strength I had left, and, with an exhausting effort, I got out. But it was very hard to climb on those rocks, even without my numb foot.
It was no time to feel sorry for myself. I had to use my strength left to get somewhere populated.
Finally, reaching the top, I began walking forward, directly away from where I escaped. Unfortunately my limping was getting worse.
After a while I saw a big white building. It looked like my luck was turning. It could've been a hospital or anything else, but at least there would be someone to help me.
I ran as fast as I could on my feet, ignoring the wounded foot that I was literally dragging behind me.
When I opened the door, I crashed on the floor and then I fainted. I was happy.
After I woke up, I looked around me. I was in a hospital bed. My front leg was tied to my neck with a bandage.
I tried to get out of my bed but I heard a voice trying to call me.
"Good morning! How do you feel?"
"Well... my foot still hurts me."
"I know and I'm sorry. All the unicorn medics left the hospital today because they had to take care of "personal problems". So I had to use some traditional methods."
Did I just hear the word "unicorn"? Then it hit me. I looked at myself. I was a pony with wings. I couldn't see more because I was covered by a white sheet. I was surprised when I saw myself. I wasn't used to it.
"Well sweet heart, let me check your wound." the nurse said.
A white pony approached me. She unveiled me and checked my bandage.
"I'm glad that the wound stopped bleeding."
"Me too," I replied.
She chuckled.
"And by the way sweetie, you should get some sleep while you can. Tomorrow you're free to go."
"Thank God!"
"Wait... what's a God?" she asked me.
Confused, I felt fast asleep, trying to get to safety.
When I woke up I heard a new voice. It was a very thick male voice. Curious, I pretended I was still sleeping. I lay quiet, listening while the colt and the mare were talking.
"So... he is a red pegasus colt. No cutie mark. Oh? What's this? Weird green symbols on the neck and on the feet. Hmm, interesting. I have to examine this."
After he finished his sentence, he placed the papers on the drawer in front of my bed and he left.
At that moment I was quite scared.
"You don't have to be scared. The doctor's name is Lefious. I know that it's a weird name, but he is one of the best unicorn medics in the whole Equestria." the nurse told me.
It must have shown on my face, because the nurse looked over, reassuring me.
"Doctor Lefious will only examine you. And I don't mean any surgical type of examination. So you will be just fine."
I don't know why it was still weird for me to get used to the terms. "Unicorn"? "Pegasus"?
It was like my brain was fighting with the terms. It was like my brain knew that there is something wrong in here. But I didn't cared. That nurse made me feel safe.
"Well... here comes doctor Lefious. He is going to take you to a lab. Don't worry, I'll stay by your side all the time," the nurse assured me smiling.
I wasn't scared at all.
As the nurse was pushing my bed trough the hallways, the doctor was checking a list. It looked like the list he checked when I first heard him.
"Interesting." he kept saying.
After a while, I realized that we stopped in front of a door.
"Allow me." the doctor said very politely.
I saw his horn lit up, and then the doors opened without him even touching them. Magic?
When we entered the room, I saw a group of 3 or 4 unicorns waiting for me.
When the nurse stopped pushing the bed, the group of unicorns approached me. They turned me on my every side of my body just to see all the symbols. After they saw it, they took out some notebooks and they started writing.
"Ok. We're finished here. Did it hurt?" the nurse asked me kindly.
"No... Thank you." I said.
She didn't say anything as she kept pushing my bed.
When we arrived back in my hospital room she told me:
"Ok, you can leave now! But before you do, I have some questions for you. Where do your parents live? You know, so we can tell them to come to take you home."
At that moment it hit me. I couldn't remember anything. My name, how I was nor who my parents were.
"Oh. I'm sorry. I didn't knew." the nurse said.
"At least do you have some relatives living here?" she asked me again.
But... same answer... nothing.
"Well then kid, what are we going to do with you? You're very strong. A unicorn medic went on your blood trail and found the pit you felt into. I can say that he was very tired asfter that little "trip". Well I guess that I can let you leave by yourself. At least can you give me your name?"
I was desperate. I had no excuse for not having a name. So I remembered something. While those unicorns were examining me, one of them left a Latin book opened on the table next to me. When I tried to take a peak, I could only make out one word: 'Rufus', meaning red or red haired.
"My name is Rufus." I said.
"Ok then... Rufus. You're free to go."
And after she released my foot from the bandage, I exited the hospital.
So, I had a purpose. I must find out who I am!

Comments

[MyLittlePwny]

Whew... wow. Alrighty then! Um, geez where to start...
Well first off, you need paragraphs. LOTS of them. Indent every now and then to give your writing more flow. There weren't too many spelling mistakes, but ALOT of verb tense issues; you would switch from past tense to present tense way too much, sometimes even in the same sentence!

Also, things were moving VERY fast, there was barely anything in between major scenes, plus it was unrealistic. Now, I know this story is about candy colored ponies in a magical world, so I'll give you some lee-way. But a wound in which your foot is literally dragging behind you would render anyone immobile, much less able to scale a wall unaided. Plus a wound of that degree would require way more hospital time than a day.

In short, there are some really major mess-ups that you need to fix before I start nit-picking specific misspelled words and the like.

Hopefully that wasn't too harsh, please tell me if it was! It sounds like an interesting story so far, but the atrocious errors are smudging it's potential.