• Member Since 12th Jan, 2016
  • offline last seen 9 hours ago

Ashen Heart

Hey guys, just a random person writing for some fun. Stick around and see if you enjoy any of my works, always love to hear feedback. ^^


AJ and RD have been dating for about 3 years now. Feeling as if it was time, AJ decides to lay her heart on the line and give Dash the Apple Ritual. Hopefully RD is as committed to this relationship as AJ, as this ritual reveals the truest parts of themselves and their emotions to each other.

Chapters (1)
Comments ( 6 )

I'm a little conflicted on this one. Your description has me intrigued, but the story so far leaves me wanting and I can't tell yet if it's in a good way. Your writing needs work, though I don't consider myself a good writer so take my advice with a grain of salt. The way you described things seems off, and I think it's a problem with your tenses. You are writing in a first person present tense but it sounds like, or at least to me feels like, you're writing in either a past tense or some kind of indirect second person perspective. It's more like Apple Jack is narrating a scene rather then describing what's happening around here.
My advice would be the same I give to anyone I try to give advice to. Listening to the work helps. The site has a function for that, and using it to edit makes things really stand out. If you hear it you might hear what I hear. If not feel free to delete my comment and yell at me on my page. I don't mind either way.
For now I think I can spare you your first like on this story and give it a track. I think it's at least good enough for that. I took the time to analyze it this critically, so there's something I like about it.

I will never turn down a good critique u weren't being a troll and I appreciate the good feedback ik my writings not great yet and so the critique u gave me will help me get better. So instead of yelling at you I'm going to thank you. I'm an artist as well as writing for fun and Ik when someone is trying ti help and critique my work and when someone is being a troll. I'm still unfamiliar with a lot of the sites features I'd like to use wht u told me so if u could tell me where to find tht tool I'd very much appreciate it. And thank you for liking and tracking my story I hope to improve my writing and I hope u will enjoy what I have to offer.

Thanks. I figured you'd take it well, but I try to keep my comments light hearted when I'm leaving big messages. Just lets people know I'm not being too over critical.
The trick I use works when you use the site on a mobile device, I've never tried on my computer. What I do is bring up two tabs with the same story. Put one into edit mode. Switch to the other tab and just click on the text. A small menu should come up just above the text with the option to read. Switch back to the editing tab and follow along. My advice is to use head phones and be ready to switch back to stop the reading often. I am always stunned by how many easy mistakes I make and catch using this. The voice is robotic and stumbles on some slang, but overall works great. Let me know how it goes. Good luck

This story is written rather well, with captivating descriptions and quite nicely done, serene atmosphere. The pacing is just right as well.

However, as Natedogg before me pointed out, there are a few issues that may hamper the enjoyment of the story. I’ll try to be a little more concrete in describing them.

First, inconsistent tenses. While most of the story uses past tense, there are a few spots where you have switched over to present tense. For example, look at the verbs in this paragraph:

Putting the apples in the storage area, she quickly washed off any hay or sweat from the days work so far. Shaking off, she heads out and meets with Rainbow outside the barn.

It’s great to be consistent, so always make sure you are not jumping between past and present. Doesn’t matter which one you use, but make it just one.

Second issue is POV inconsistency. Most of the story is told from the viewpoint of a third person narrator (someone who is not a character in the story, and is just passively describing the scenes), but a few times, you switch to the first person point of view, namely AJ’s. Here is a excerpt from the story:

”...,” I start seeing them all nod, continuing to eat. “Well ah’ve been thinking about having her do the Apple Ritual,” AJ says quickly.

Again, make sure this is consistent, otherwise you really risk confusing and turning your readers away.

Thank you for the feedback I really appreciate it and I will try to keep more of an eye out for those inconsistencies while I'm writing

You are welcome! Glad I could help, let me know if you encounter some other writing issues :twilightsmile:

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