Apple Family Ritual

by Ashen Heart

Family Talk

The rooster crows as the sun begins to slowly creep over the orchard. Mornings in the Apple family were always rough, especially for AppleJack. Being the self-proclaimed head of household, she had to make sure everypony else woke up and that everything started off on the right hoof. She just wasn’t a morning person. After shrugging her way out of the apple printed comforter, she grunted as she tried to get the room around her to focus again. As the room righted itself, AppleJack headed for the door to start breakfast.

Grabbing the eggs and flour for flapjacks, AppleJack starts to hear hooves coming down the steps. Looking through the old wood door she sees a big red stallion coming down the stairs.

“Mornin, Big Mac,” she says as she starts mixing the ingredients.

“Eeyup,” Big Mac responds grabbing the plates to set the table. It was the same routine as every morning. Any minute now we’d hear AppleBloom stumble down the stairs as she smells the flapjacks. Granny will probably be the last to come down the stairs going on about some dream she had. Funny how the moment before things change forever can be just like any other day. AJ was interrupted from her thoughts as she heard a thump at the bottom of the stairs. Knowing it was AppleBloom, she continued on with the flapjacks starting to fling them over to her brother as they finished. AppleBloom sat down at the table grunting, as she grabbed the flapjacks piling them on her plate.

“AppleBloom, don’t eat all those flapjacks again. We all gotta eat too, and yah can’t afford a stomach ache again.” I say trying to take away the stack. AppleBloom grunted as she said, “I’m hungry though, can’t I have a couple more at least?” Looking down at her plate I sighed and put a couple more on her plate. AppleBloom quickly devoured the flapjacks on her plate. Tilting my ears to the side, AJ heard Granny coming down the stairs as they lightly creaked under her.

“Good Morning, Granny,” AJ says trying to be cheerful.

“Mornin,” Granny responds, sitting down at her usual spot. I flip the final flapjack onto the plate as I sit down to start eating. Big Mac grabs the syrup dumping it all over his flapjacks as Granny starts chewing. AppleBloom was already nearly done. This would probably be the best time to ask AJ reasoned, as she started to sweat lightly from nerves.

“So y’all know ah’ve been dating Rainbow Dash for awhile,” I start seeing them all nod, continuing to eat. “Well ah’ve been thinking about having her do the Apple Ritual,” AJ says quickly. Everypony stopped eating to look up at AJ, Granny talking first. “What in tarnation are you thinking AJ?”

“We’ve been dating now for 3 years, and ah feel it’s time to move forward in our relationship,” AJ tries to defend herself.

“And yah think that’s enough for an Apple Ritual?” Granny asks.

“Granny, ah think that we should let AJ decide that for herself,” Big Mac says putting a hoof on Granny. Big Mac rarely talked anymore so when he did everypony tended to listen to what he had to say. Granny sighed, but didn’t say anything else deciding to go back to her flapjacks. Deciding that was that everypony went back to finishing their food so they could start on the morning chores.

Going out to the barn, AppleJack grabbed a crateful of baskets and headed out to the orchard. Stepping outside the barn she felt the soft breeze blowing past as it carried the scent of perfectly ripe apples. Around her the trees were just starting to turn to the yellow and reds of fall. Applebuck season was here and there was a whole orchard worth of trees to harvest. Getting a move on Applejack quickly made her way to the eastern field. Big Mac was working on the north field and they were going to work the usual in out pattern. Rearing up to the first tree of the field she quickly bucked down the apples from the tree moving on to the next one. She continued this for awhile til the sun was midway through the sky.

Sighing she looked up at the sun deciding to take a little break. Resting against a tree she covered her face with her hat to relax for a couple of minutes. Sadly though, the apple pony was not allowed her break for as soon as she settled in, a cyan pony poked out from behind the tree.

“Boo!” Rainbow Dash shouted, as she grabbed hold of AppleJack.

“Rainbow! That’s not funny, yah darn near give me a heart attack!” AppleJack whirled around to face the offending pony. She was greeted with a smirk as Rainbow shrugged lightly.

“I didn’t scare ya that bad,” Rainbow said as she laid a kiss on AJ’s cheek. Said farm pony blushed a little as she gave one back.

“So what are you doing here?” AJ asked, as she got up and went to the next tree starting to buck apples again.

“I thought we could go out for some lunch today,” RD responded as she followed AJ through the trees. AppleJack looked up at the trees left in the orchard before nodding her head.

“Sure ah suppose we can grab a bite to eat. Where were yah thinkin?” AppleJack asked as she loaded up the baskets of apples she already harvested so far.

“There’s a new cafe that just opened up last week, figured we could go there,” Rainbow said before helping AJ hitch up the crate to her back, walking towards the barn. Nodding, AJ and Rainbow walked through all the trees as the cool breeze sways them closer together. Getting to the barn AJ quickly unhitched and unloaded the cart. Putting the apples in the storage area, she quickly washed off any hay or sweat from the days work so far. Shaking off she heads out and meets with Rainbow outside the barn.

“Ready?” Rainbow asks.

“Eeyup,” AJ responds as they head towards town.

Author's Note:

Hey guys going to do a little side project. This is going to be a short fic only being a couple chapters as a side project. I still plan to work on The love of a mother, but this will be around to kinda break the flow a bit. Let me know what you guys think

Comments

[Natedogg2006]

I'm a little conflicted on this one. Your description has me intrigued, but the story so far leaves me wanting and I can't tell yet if it's in a good way. Your writing needs work, though I don't consider myself a good writer so take my advice with a grain of salt. The way you described things seems off, and I think it's a problem with your tenses. You are writing in a first person present tense but it sounds like, or at least to me feels like, you're writing in either a past tense or some kind of indirect second person perspective. It's more like Apple Jack is narrating a scene rather then describing what's happening around here.
My advice would be the same I give to anyone I try to give advice to. Listening to the work helps. The site has a function for that, and using it to edit makes things really stand out. If you hear it you might hear what I hear. If not feel free to delete my comment and yell at me on my page. I don't mind either way.
For now I think I can spare you your first like on this story and give it a track. I think it's at least good enough for that. I took the time to analyze it this critically, so there's something I like about it.

[Ashen Heart]

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I will never turn down a good critique u weren't being a troll and I appreciate the good feedback ik my writings not great yet and so the critique u gave me will help me get better. So instead of yelling at you I'm going to thank you. I'm an artist as well as writing for fun and Ik when someone is trying ti help and critique my work and when someone is being a troll. I'm still unfamiliar with a lot of the sites features I'd like to use wht u told me so if u could tell me where to find tht tool I'd very much appreciate it. And thank you for liking and tracking my story I hope to improve my writing and I hope u will enjoy what I have to offer.

[Natedogg2006]

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Thanks. I figured you'd take it well, but I try to keep my comments light hearted when I'm leaving big messages. Just lets people know I'm not being too over critical.
The trick I use works when you use the site on a mobile device, I've never tried on my computer. What I do is bring up two tabs with the same story. Put one into edit mode. Switch to the other tab and just click on the text. A small menu should come up just above the text with the option to read. Switch back to the editing tab and follow along. My advice is to use head phones and be ready to switch back to stop the reading often. I am always stunned by how many easy mistakes I make and catch using this. The voice is robotic and stumbles on some slang, but overall works great. Let me know how it goes. Good luck

[EverfreePony]

This story is written rather well, with captivating descriptions and quite nicely done, serene atmosphere. The pacing is just right as well.

However, as Natedogg before me pointed out, there are a few issues that may hamper the enjoyment of the story. I’ll try to be a little more concrete in describing them.

First, inconsistent tenses. While most of the story uses past tense, there are a few spots where you have switched over to present tense. For example, look at the verbs in this paragraph:

Putting the apples in the storage area, she quickly washed off any hay or sweat from the days work so far. Shaking off, she heads out and meets with Rainbow outside the barn.

It’s great to be consistent, so always make sure you are not jumping between past and present. Doesn’t matter which one you use, but make it just one.

Second issue is POV inconsistency. Most of the story is told from the viewpoint of a third person narrator (someone who is not a character in the story, and is just passively describing the scenes), but a few times, you switch to the first person point of view, namely AJ’s. Here is a excerpt from the story:

”...,” I start seeing them all nod, continuing to eat. “Well ah’ve been thinking about having her do the Apple Ritual,” AJ says quickly.

Again, make sure this is consistent, otherwise you really risk confusing and turning your readers away.

[Ashen Heart]

9523616
Thank you for the feedback I really appreciate it and I will try to keep more of an eye out for those inconsistencies while I'm writing

[EverfreePony]

9530186
You are welcome! Glad I could help, let me know if you encounter some other writing issues