Psicosis
Joined 19th Jul, 2012 ·
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Hum. I don't want to say your story is really bad or you do anything horribly wrong, but, truth be told, you don't exceed either.
What desperately needs fixing is the paragraphing. Just scratch those superfluous Enter hits and reduce them to breaks between paragraphs, FIMFiction will make breaks for you automatically, heavily increasing readability. There are some minor punctuation issues, correcting those should be easy once you bring everything that belongs so onto one line.
I don't know, but it feels like Scootaloo is acting like she's younger than she actually is, and heavily overreacting at the same time. She's a schoolfilly, not a baby, she has some rational sense! Rainbow Dash's characterisation is fine, though.
Another issue is that your English is rather simple. Again, look it over a bit and try to replace words you're using too often with synonyms or alternative phrases. While we're at the topic of repetition, sometimes you repeat a point that has already been brought across the first time around perfectly fine.
Judging by everything combined, I'd assume you are not born in an English country, but honestly, that's no excuse. English is technically my fourth language, even fifth if you count the bit of French I know. Just work on it and you'll be able to improve. This is your second fiction, so don't worry, practice makes perfect.
Ooooooooooh! Pleas do moar!
1029438 Regarding the line breaks, I did the formatting check on google docs, so I didn't see it then
Good job with the story so far psi 
1029438
I found that rather offensive. You just assume I'm not born in an English place?
I was born in Ireland, I admit I'm not the best with grammar, but I tried my hardest.
Scootaloo is suppose to overreact. The whole point is to make her look obsessed with Rainbow Dash.
I think she acts just fine for her age, she is a little girl after all. Not an adult like Rainbow Dash.
Kids get jealous all the time it's very natural. I'm just showing what can happen with obsession.
I appreciated the advice, but some of it was very offensive. We're not all amazing writers who know five different languages.
But have a great day none the less. Thanks for the advice.
The whole point is obsession just remember that.
1029504
Not sure what that means...
Is that good or bad?
1029446 Don't worry I will.
The formatting wasn't that hot, and the story would be better if you gave the reaction more time to build. Over the course of two rejections isn't really believable. I know it's supposed to be an over reaction, but it would be just as much of an over reaction if it happened over the course of a month, with periods of loving Dash again in between.
1029570
Thankyouthankyouthankyouthankyou!!!
1029586
I didn't wanna drag it out.
I probably should off, but I was afraid of boring people with details.
I thought this would roughly get the job done at least.
My bad.
I'm out before things get real.
media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m5xmkaccC71r03okc.gif
But Not bad.
1029570 not bad but not good, Im just not gonna fav it thats all, doesnt spark my personal interest
I am intrigued, but this needs some serious editing.
I wonder who can help you with that . . .
static6.depositphotos.com/1003625/592/i/450/dep_5927192-Look-here.jpg
I like. Update please.
Ironic emote.
1029907
That's not a problem everyone has their own interests.
1030015
I will don't you worry about that.
1029960
You would like to help?
If you wanna talk more just PM me.
marcamos.com/ha/this-is-gonna-be-good.gif
1030485
You just made my day.
1033819
I promise I will.
I'm glad you enjoyed it.
1033852 also am enjoying you cutie mark fanfic you first one really good i cried i really fucking cried you going places
1029489 Yeah, I admit. And please don't take offense, it's just that many authors aren't born in English countries, so I've come to expect that. My English isn't perfect either.
Scootaloo intentionally overreacting is fine, but it just felt like she overreacted a bit too hard. If Dash lost her patience with her and got rude or something, I could understand, but she just calmly explains the situation. I guess that's a matter of opinion exactly how young Scoots is. I always imagine her to be the equivalent of maybe a ten years old, perhaps that's a bit too much.
1034085
I guess what age people think she is does affect it.
Even in the show they never give her age out.
Dash did lose her patients that's why she started getting angry and shouting at her to get home.
Then again it's all a matter of opinion I guess.
I really LOVED it! Can't wait for more!!
mediablogues.be/wp-content/themes/twentyeleven/mlp-fim-rainbow-dash-rule-34-i10.png
1037603
I'm so glad you did!
Heads up. I'm actually re-writing the first chapter right now to make it better.
I hope you fall in love with it even more.
Why is there a gap to the comment box? Anyway, a clear referanse to Cupecake. Very clever.
1039949
I referenced Cupcakes?
Where exactly did I do that?
Sorry, but I can't remember doing that...
1040499“You lost my trust... and now you have to accept the consequences.”
She let Rainbow go and could see the shock on Rainbows face, she was pleased that she give her false hope only to break it. She wanted Rainbow to feel the pain that she was forced to feel.
She focused her attention on an item that was covered with a cloth. She stared into Rainbows eyes and pulled the cloth off to reveal a table with medical equipment on it, she picked up a scalpel and looked at Rainbow once more and said almost seductively.
“Shall we start with your punishment?”
Clearly something in here are from the infamous Cupcake
1040628
I honestly didn't know that was in Cupcakes.
I admit I have read it but that was ages ago.
I only really remember the torture scenes in it.
1040638 I said that was a clever reference.
1040646
Fair enough well I'm glad you liked my accidental reference.
1040695
I always begin my stories like poems.
I don't know why, I just cant help it.
I don't mean to do but it just happens.
Shit hits the fan.
Things can only get better from here.
Also, where's Sweetie Bell and Applebloom? I mean, the are the CMC, so yeah. They're usually seen together.
Eh, I like this chapter anyways keep up the good work.
1041647
I guess there on holiday?
I probably should of explained something like that I guess.
I thought scootaloo was just going tp dye all of her fur and hair to look like rainbow dash not make a coat out of her skin
cant wait for more.
What. The. Fuck?
Well, now that RD's dead, what now?
Scoots went crazy.
Crazy.
1048327
I don't know, I was thinking about continuing it for one more chapter but I feel it would be best to leave it as it is.
How is she going to after taking her wings off attach all the tendens of rainbow dashs wings that control movment without help.
1051342
Cupcakes did nothing for me, I have yet to find a gore story that has freaked me out.
Also what exactly didn't you get?
1052477
Oh my bad.
Cupcakes is alright. It just didn't freak me out but I would still suggest it.
Im sorry I hate this story cuz im a Rainbow Dash Fan but.... i have to admit you did good on the gore and that idea of knocking dash out with the sandbags classic Acme Stunt and the slitting of the throat and all that.... it was really in good detail. I sugest you like start making like Wherepony stuff you would be really good with the gore factor and please give it a good ending and no death to mane six ponys or ask me for a list of ponys to kill and not kill if you do... P.S. Cupcakes freaked me out... so yeah im not hating im giving advice :X You should have killed trixie :D none cares for her XD make like her someone like idk... Simon Sail (cutie mark is a sail boat) and have him look up to trixie and then trixies mean to him so he kills here i would love that make sure to have lots of blood and gore!
1073284
I like kill the characters people love...
I'm a horrible person that way.
Also I don't think I will be doing another gore story for a long time.
To be honest, I'd ramp up the rating to mature and add the gore tag. I had to bail out when I saw it going where it did...
1080316
I thought I put the gore tag there...
Odd well I will go do that now.
1083156 To be honest, I hadn't realised that the gore tag wasn't displayed any more until much later.
Sorry for the bother.
1084111
It's alright, I changed the rating to mature as well.
Thanks for the heads up.
..........Psicosis will you marry me?
1090747
It appears you liked this story and I'm glad to hear that.
If you want my hand in marriage you will have to work harder for it.
P.S If you enjoyed this story you also might like my new one.
Two sides of the same coin. If you read it please do let me know what you think of it.
1091847 I was kidding about the marriage part. I actually really like the gore. Almost so anatomically correct. :megusta:
1092926
I knew you were kidding, I was simply playing along.
I'm glad you enjoyed the gore.
I don't understand what the picture has to do with any of this......
1144212
I really couldn't find anything better...
I guess you could think it was what Scootaloo felt like?