• Member Since 7th Feb, 2018
  • offline last seen Last Wednesday

damiranc1


Dinosaur fan. English is not my native language, and my stories can sometimes be really hard to read. Twirax shipper DERPI-LINKVALIDATION-3A1B5ADE8B

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(I rewrote it, and made that story longer… I hope you will like it…)

Ocellus really wants to know about her past...


…and who are her parents…


Cover Art by: Hanayuri-chan

Chapters (2)
Comments ( 27 )

Really good, grammar could use a little work, but other than that the exposition is good, the feels and scenery are well established.

(As a side note if you feel the need to edit more, just do what I did in "birds of a feather" I got comments about grammatical errors and politely asking for more detail and I just edited the existing story that way I could save the comments)

Hope you keep up the good work my friend

Interesting concept, can you expand on this in another story? I would like to see more of this.

way better than the last one, though I feel this could be more than a one shot TBH, it has great potential, the plot is awesome and interesting.

Other than a few minor grammar errors, it's pretty good. Also, if this gets either a second chapter or a sequel, one of the first things that should happen is the official announcement of an heir to both the changeling throne and the throne of friendship.

Oh my gosh! I love it so much! It's sad but it gets really cute at the end! You did a good job! :fluttercry::twilightsmile:

Also, thank you for using my art as the cover of the story!

eh... it's meh... I like the concept, but the grammar is really bad, and the passing is not that good either. I would like to point out all the errors, but there are too many to point out. I'm not going to downvote it or anything like that, but this really needs more work done on it.

Good, but a bunch of typos and lack of punctuation are a bit annoying.

Well damn, after complaining about there not being enough stories about the Young Six, somepony else posts another story on the same day as mine...

Grammar needs a bit of work but I found it interesting. It flowed well and there was no rush. Overall it was a good story, Keep up the good work.

I think that this is a very good idea, and it's, for the most part, well executed. Due to the fact that English is not your first language, your stories suffer from minor Grammar issues, but the poor flow is what's holding this story (and your others) back. But that's to be expected. I would highly recommend that you get either an editor, or just someone to give your stories a once over. If you can't find one, please PM me. I would be more than happy to lend you my grammatical expertise.

Not bad. but I believe there are some parts missing to make it better. I would suggest adding more to the beginning. So that the read knows more about the situation before Twilight and Thorax have a talk with her. Other than some grammer errors, nice story.

Hmmm i would say definitely better then your last version. More in its much happier but bot unreasonably so. I would say can definitely have a longer sequel. With said sequal being about them trying to properly form a family and manage everything

Why did I hear Oceiros screaming Ocellot in my head?

The story is interesting, It's kind of short and jumps around alot for its length, and while it does generate a decent amount of feels the length makes it pass too quickly to enjoy the moment. I like the premise though.

It's coming along nicely and has a good grip to the situation, there are a few grammatical errors, but an easy fix.

Twilight looked around, with the sweat coming from her head.

this would sound better as Twilight looked around with beads of sweat falling from her head or Twilight looked around the room sweating bullets.

She looked at him with a shock.

this would sound better if he said She looked at him with a shocked expression on her face or She looked at him in shock

"Do changelings has any common feature, if it's about having offspring?" she asked, but this time, pretending to be calm.

this would sound better if it said "Do changelings has any common feature, regarding having offspring?" she asked, but this time, pretending to be calm.

She quickly stepped back with a disgust.

this would sound better if it said She quickly stepped back with a look of disgust or She quickly stepped back in disgust.

The entire lower half of her bed, or more accurately a cloth was covered with a thick purple smear.

this would sound better if it said The entire lower half of her bed, or more accurately the cloth was covered with a thick purple smear.

"Princess Twilight… I didn't meant to..." Thorax, also feeling disgust about his weird hormones, tried to explain, but the purple male unexpectely smiled at him.

this would sound better if it said "Princess Twilight… I didn't meant to..." Thorax, also feeling disgusted and ashamed about his weird hormones that he tried to explain, but the purple male unexpectely smiled at him.

Thorax sighed with a relief, rubbing the sweat off his head. "I thought you would hate me" "I would not have the heart, to be angry at you for that" she sighed. "We all do not control our hormones" "It looks like I went a little crazy" he laughed about it, but after a while his muzzle returned to a shock. "Do you remember what we did yesterday?"

this would sound better if it said
Thorax sighed with relief, wiping the sweat off his head. "I thought you would hate me" "I would not have the heart, to be angry at you for that" she sighed. "We can't always control our hormones" "It looks like I went a little crazy" he laughed about it, but after a while his muzzle returned to a shocked expression. "Do you remember what we did yesterday?" or Thorax sighed with relief, wiping the sweat off his head. "I thought you would hate me" "I would not have the heart, to be angry at you for that" she sighed. "We all do not control our hormones" "It looks like I went a little crazy" he laughed about it, but after a while his muzzle returned to shock. "Do you remember what we did yesterday?"

The purple mare sat on the floor, and catched her head trying to remember what happened previous day. Thorax moved closer, and all he did was sit down next to her.

this would sound better if it said The purple mare sat on the floor, and caught her head trying to remember what happened the previous day. Thorax moved closer, and all he did was sit down next to her or The purple mare sat on the floor, and hung her head trying to remember what happened the previous day. Thorax moved closer, and all he did was sit down next to her.

"I do not think that this memory is such an important" "I think you're right" the purple mare concentrated more on her thoughts.

this would sound better if it said "I do not think that this memory is very important" "I think you're right" the purple mare concentrated more on her thoughts. or "I do not think that this memory is of importance" "I think you're right" the purple mare concentrated more on her thoughts.

"I remember… I invited you for a tea…" The purple mare said, still focusing on the visible image in front of her.

this would sound better if it said "I remember… I invited you for tea…" The purple mare said, still focusing on the visible image in front of her. or "I remember… I invited you for a spot of tea…" The purple mare said, still focusing on the visible image in front of her.

Thorax slowly closed his eyes, feeling Déjà vu "I associate it"

this would sound better if it said Thorax slowly closed his eyes in recollection "yes,I remember " or Thorax slowly closed his eyes in recollection "yes,I do recall that"

"I remember… It was raining and you complained about your brother" Twilight continued.

this would sound better if it said "I remember… It was raining and you complaining about your brother" Twilight continued.

"I see something else… You decided to stay at my place for a night"

this would sound better if it said "I see something else… You decided to stay at my place for the night"

Twilight, despite a weakness, did not hide her shock.

this would sound better if it said Twilight, despite the weakness, did not hide her shock.

The small creature only looked at her mother, with a dark blue eyes, when she checked the gender of a infant.

this would sound better if it said The small creature only looked at her mother, with a dark blue eyes, when she checked the gender of the infant.

Its's a really good story and i love the plot, but also don't for get to begin a new paragraph when a different character is talking. for example.

Thorax sighed with a relief, rubbing the sweat off his head. "I thought you would hate me" "I would not have the heart, to be angry at you for that" she sighed. "We all do not control our hormones" "It looks like I went a little crazy" he laughed about it, but after a while his muzzle returned to a shock. "Do you remember what we did yesterday?"

Thorax sighed with a relief, rubbing the sweat off his head.

"I thought you would hate me" "I would not have the heart, to be angry at you for that" she sighed.

"We all do not control our hormones" "It looks like I went a little crazy" he laughed about it, but after a while his muzzle returned to a shock. "Do you remember what we did yesterday?"

Twilight seeing her newborn pride like that, began to desperately nuzzling it.

You're gonna want to change nuzzling to nuzzle

It did not help. The infant, without any sign of life, laid rigidly on the blanket.

here i think you should add a "s" to sign

She looked at him with in shock.

just take out with

Interesting Head Canon, it makes much Sense, given ocellus is simliar to Twilight in likes.

Uh. Nice? A bit rushed had a few errors..
Like:
Sleeped with.
Slept with.

Wow. This explains some things about Ocellus. Maybe Fluttershy was her godmother as well? :)

I’m just gonna ask. What exactly is the context here?

10000284
Isn't it obvious? It's my headcanon, where Ocellus is Twilight's and Thorax's daughter.

You know what I’m just gonna explain what I meant when I mentioned context earlier because it just feels like something that needs to be said.

The story starts off with Twilight explaining things to Ocellus but you never say why. All that we’re told is that Ocellus is upset for some reason and Twilight has to explain things because apparently it has to do with why she’s upset and Thorax is there because reasons. Ocellus also says she doesn’t want anymore lies so does that mean she was being lied to for some time now? What had been happening with her up until this point? You have a number of things happening in this story but you never explain why they’re happening.

I’m not saying the story is bad, I’m just saying that it lacks some major context.

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